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I have a brother that has Asperger's syndrome that recently moved in with me. He had been living with my parents before that. He is very intelligent but has some social skill problems and not the cleanest person.
My area has more jobs than where my parents live and he was able to get a full time job. I agreed to let him move in and rent a room but I have to constantly clean up after him and remind of things like turning off the lights and replacing stuff. He never buys anything except for himself and just uses all my stuff (like toilet paper, paper towels, plates cups, etc.) without ever contributing. I have to constantly ask him about paying the rent and sometimes he does and sometime he doesn't. Not to mention he goes on these tangents about how he is tired of "people talking down to him... and he can't wait to get his own place with no rules"
Our parents don't seem to be doing more and in some ways I feel they just passed him off on to me. I love my family, both my parents and my brother but it is starting to get to me. Not only that, but my mom still gives him money like he is a child and doesn't seem to regard my feelings as she sees me as the "adult".
The whole thing just makes me a little upset and I was wondering if someone else was going through something similar or could give recommendations. Thank you.
Last edited by e2ksj3; 06-06-2017 at 08:35 AM..
Reason: Wrong forum, could a MOD move to non-relationship as this is dealing with family
I have a sister who is developmentally challenged and my parents had very strong expectations that I would "help" my sister...and that I was the "lucky" one. It is a heavy burden, especially when you are just getting started yourself and have your own challenges!
You'll need to use some behavioral techniques that may help him stay organized - lists of things he needs to do each day or each week ("reminders") as well as consequences if he doesn't contribute to chores - for example some of the money his parents give him will be docked for undone chores or things of yours he uses without buying for himself. You may need to get creative. But you KNOW he won't just be able to do this stuff without some aids/reminders/prods/motivators -don't expect him to.
If you're not up to giving this a try, talk to your parents and to him about what you'll realistically do for him. Also look into some behavioral programs/counseling for people on the spectrum teaching them living and coping skills. He obviously has some abilities if he can hold a job - he needs the motivation to apply that to other areas of his life - and skilled people have experience helping people see that.
I have a sister who is developmentally challenged and my parents had very strong expectations that I would "help" my sister...and that I was the "lucky" one.
I have a brother that has Asperger's syndrome that recently moved in with me. He had been living with my parents before that. He is very intelligent but has some social skill problems and not the cleanest person.
My area has more jobs than where my parents live and he was able to get a full time job. I agreed to let him move in and rent a room but I have to constantly clean up after him and remind of things like turning off the lights and replacing stuff. He never buys anything except for himself and just uses all my stuff (like toilet paper, paper towels, plates cups, etc.) without ever contributing. I have to constantly ask him about paying the rent and sometimes he does and sometime he doesn't. Not to mention he goes on these tangents about how he is tired of "people talking down to him... and he can't wait to get his own place with no rules"
Our parents don't seem to be doing more and in some ways I feel they just passed him off on to me. I love my family, both my parents and my brother but it is starting to get to me. Not only that, but my mom still gives him money like he is a child and doesn't seem to regard my feelings as she sees me as the "adult".
The whole thing just makes me a little upset and I was wondering if someone else was going through something similar or could give recommendations. Thank you.
How old is he?
If he is functional enough to work, he is functional enough to pick up after himself. He may need it to be super structured...like, chore checklists (obviously not childish checklists, as adults find that condescending, but maybe checklist apps, calendar apps that will provide systematic alerts when things re due and what his share is).
If your brother is serious about living on his own, and it's not just something to say when he's mad, perhaps you could sit down with him and make a game plan for how he could work toward that. Stress to him that in his time with you, he really needs to practice the life skills he'll need if he gets his own place...things like keeping things clean and stocked, and tracking finances and budgeting. Emphasize it helping him to be more independent.
I taught adolescents with high functioning autism/Asperger's for a long time, and very clear expectations with solid rules and framework were very helpful.
Parents' job, when they have a child with special needs, is to arrange for care and support for their child when they can't provide it any longer.
For some families, this means other family members step up. For some, it means planning for non-family support and assistance. Parents know they won't always be the ones, though.
This is all just opinion, I'm no expert, but I think Aspies tend to need other people's requirements or demands spelled out for them, and need negative consequences (within reason) for failing to meet those standards. It's not because they don't give a damn or because they are incapable of turning off a light or cleaning their room. But they live so much inside their own heads that they aren't always aware how they are affecting others around them.
Since many of them are quite intelligent, they do comprehend the need for cleanliness and paying the bills. But they never get around to it, because they are fixated on other, more abstract things. They don't want to annoy others, and will usually do what they're told to have harmony. But they need to be told what to do. They may grouse about it, because such basic things intrude on their shut-the-world-out mindsets. But when forced, they will clean and pay on time.
Tell him that if he continues to use your stuff, you expect him to contribute to the household shopping bill. Be firm about it. Tape a reminder to the refrigerator and next to the mirror in the bathroom. Verbally remind him as shopping day approaches.
He (and you) might even prefer simply raising his room rent to cover the added costs. It's easier that way, and frees up his mind to think about other issues.
As for cleanliness, tell him everything has to be cleaned on the spot. If a glass is used, it must be washed. No trash can be left on table surfaces. Clean-as-you-go should be the policy. You have to adhere to it too, though, or it won't work. If he can't stick to it, declare some rooms off-limits. Allow him to clutter his own room as much as he wants (Aspies need a place for clutter) but don't tolerate anything that produces odor detectable beyond his door. If his clothes stink, go ahead and tell him they stink. He probably doesn't notice himself, or thinks nobody else will.
If he keeps whining about wanting a place of his own, then tell him to take the practical steps needed to get one. Help him out, check listings, etc. If he wants to go so bad, let him go. But if you wait for him to do it on his own, the day will never arrive. Once on their own, most Aspies do learn quickly that paying rent is a priority, even if cleanliness isn't always.
I have a brother that has Asperger's syndrome that recently moved in with me. He had been living with my parents before that. He is very intelligent but has some social skill problems and not the cleanest person.
My area has more jobs than where my parents live and he was able to get a full time job. I agreed to let him move in and rent a room but I have to constantly clean up after him and remind of things like turning off the lights and replacing stuff. He never buys anything except for himself and just uses all my stuff (like toilet paper, paper towels, plates cups, etc.) without ever contributing. I have to constantly ask him about paying the rent and sometimes he does and sometime he doesn't. Not to mention he goes on these tangents about how he is tired of "people talking down to him... and he can't wait to get his own place with no rules"
Our parents don't seem to be doing more and in some ways I feel they just passed him off on to me. I love my family, both my parents and my brother but it is starting to get to me. Not only that, but my mom still gives him money like he is a child and doesn't seem to regard my feelings as she sees me as the "adult".
The whole thing just makes me a little upset and I was wondering if someone else was going through something similar or could give recommendations. Thank you.
I think you have to talk to him like he honestly doesn't get it, because he honestly doesn't get it.
"Henry, paper plates aren't free. It's fine with me if you use my stuff. It's just good manners for you to replace things on occasion. If you want people to like you, you have to use good manners."
I have a brother that has Asperger's syndrome that recently moved in with me. He had been living with my parents before that. He is very intelligent but has some social skill problems and not the cleanest person.
My area has more jobs than where my parents live and he was able to get a full time job. I agreed to let him move in and rent a room but I have to constantly clean up after him and remind of things like turning off the lights and replacing stuff. He never buys anything except for himself and just uses all my stuff (like toilet paper, paper towels, plates cups, etc.) without ever contributing. I have to constantly ask him about paying the rent and sometimes he does and sometime he doesn't. Not to mention he goes on these tangents about how he is tired of "people talking down to him... and he can't wait to get his own place with no rules"
Our parents don't seem to be doing more and in some ways I feel they just passed him off on to me. I love my family, both my parents and my brother but it is starting to get to me. Not only that, but my mom still gives him money like he is a child and doesn't seem to regard my feelings as she sees me as the "adult".
The whole thing just makes me a little upset and I was wondering if someone else was going through something similar or could give recommendations. Thank you.
I bolded the key part here
I don't mean to be harsh, but you agreed to this. You need to own it.
And if it's not working for you after trying to work with him, you need to tell him that he needs to leave.
I have a brother that has Asperger's syndrome that recently moved in with me. He had been living with my parents before that. He is very intelligent but has some social skill problems and not the cleanest person.
My area has more jobs than where my parents live and he was able to get a full time job. I agreed to let him move in and rent a room but I have to constantly clean up after him and remind of things like turning off the lights and replacing stuff. He never buys anything except for himself and just uses all my stuff (like toilet paper, paper towels, plates cups, etc.) without ever contributing. I have to constantly ask him about paying the rent and sometimes he does and sometime he doesn't. Not to mention he goes on these tangents about how he is tired of "people talking down to him... and he can't wait to get his own place with no rules"
Our parents don't seem to be doing more and in some ways I feel they just passed him off on to me. I love my family, both my parents and my brother but it is starting to get to me. Not only that, but my mom still gives him money like he is a child and doesn't seem to regard my feelings as she sees me as the "adult".
The whole thing just makes me a little upset and I was wondering if someone else was going through something similar or could give recommendations. Thank you.
Yeh I've been through similar I was HIM for many yrs, that was me.
Its a long road to get well, not because its difficult or complicated, its a matter of defiance.
Theres nothing you can do for him, get him out of there, he'll end up living under a bridge or in some dump, he has to experience the consequences of his own choices. The more you try to help him, the further down the scale he will fall, then he'll be angry at you but not know why.
No-one could help me until I beat myself into a teachable state.
Moms always enable, its their nature.
BTW, aspbergers is no longer recognized, its a polite term for spoiled brat.
Keep the faith, it'll be alright in the end.
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