U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-09-2017, 01:54 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,818 posts, read 2,185,892 times
Reputation: 2772

Advertisements

I have realized I attract this type of person all the time and I'm curious to hear if anyone else does, and how you deal with them. I'm talking about the person who has hidden insecurities and doesn't believe that you really like them, and so they act passive-aggressive, controlling, and punishing towards you, basically ATTACKING you for not liking them. Meanwhile, I have no issue with these people (until they start acting crazy like this) and I am left bewildered as to what I did to cause them to lash out at me.

Their behavior towards me is so off-putting that I DO wall up to guard myself against them, which then reinforces their belief that I don't like them, and the whole situation gets worse.

Literally every time where I make the conscious decision to be extra sweet to them, despite the way they're treating me, they automatically switch into being happy and excited. It's then that I realize their whole monkey dance was just about them wanting positive attention/validation from me.

I WISH that people like this did not resort to such passive-aggressive tactics just to get something that I would have happily given them anyway. It's like they create a self-fulfilling prophecy that people "don't like them" by acting like absolute jerks towards the ones that they assume don't like them! I suppose I understand wanting to protect yourself against someone you think does not like you, but why go to such extremes?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-10-2017, 11:21 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,818 posts, read 2,185,892 times
Reputation: 2772
Nobody with experience with passive-aggressive people who lash out because they perceive you don't like them?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2017, 11:45 AM
 
3,137 posts, read 1,808,819 times
Reputation: 5990
Quote:
Originally Posted by stava View Post
Literally every time where I make the conscious decision to be extra sweet to them, despite the way they're treating me, they automatically switch into being happy and excited. It's then that I realize their whole monkey dance was just about them wanting positive attention/validation from me.
I think it's a personal weakness when someone wants everyone to like them. I really don't care if someone dislikes me, and I will be happy just to avoid them altogether. People who need constant validation from others are so annoying.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2017, 12:23 PM
bg7
 
7,698 posts, read 8,131,104 times
Reputation: 15088
Quote:
Originally Posted by stava View Post
Nobody with experience with passive-aggressive people who lash out because they perceive you don't like them?
Few responses since most people here can't read other people's minds.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2017, 12:25 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,818 posts, read 2,185,892 times
Reputation: 2772
Quote:
Originally Posted by bg7 View Post
Few responses since most people here can't read other people's minds.
I'm talking about when it is revealed to you that this is why someone was behaving negatively towards you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2017, 12:27 PM
 
9,916 posts, read 3,950,992 times
Reputation: 25057
Stava, I think you've pretty much stumped the board with this one.

The lack of responses on the board from people who share your experience is interesting, since you state "I attract this type of person all the time".

I can't even picture what you're talking about here - I've never had anyone attack me because they think I don't like them. If anything, they kind of grow quiet and distant.

I suspect they're attacking you because you're treating them with such open hostility that they have to defend themselves to safe face. Your perception is that they're attacking out of a misperception that you don't like them - why are all those people misperceiving this? To the point that they attack you?

Can I offer that you put out VERY prickery vibes without realizing it somehow, then you get prickery vibes right back? And when you "go out of your way to be sweet" to someone, they're so relieved that today may be a better day and they won't have to avoid you or defend themselves, so they reward your courtesy by being extra solicitous?

I don't know you, so I'm just guessing - but the fact that this dynamic is a constant for you, maybe you could consider you're putting off very negative vibes.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2017, 12:37 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,818 posts, read 2,185,892 times
Reputation: 2772
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I don't know you, so I'm just guessing - but the fact that this dynamic is a constant for you, maybe you could consider you're putting off very negative vibes.
That is a fair assumption. But in my experience that's not the case. What I have been told is that because I'm attractive and assertive, people assume I'm mean before actually getting to know me. I had one guy tell me that I reminded him of the "mean girls" in high school that rejected him and made his life hell, so before he knew me he assumed I was like that and was therefore really nasty to me. Once he got to know me he realized I wasn't like that and we finally became friends.

So it's like an automatic conclusion that many people seem to jump to about "how I am", before getting to know me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2017, 12:46 PM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,622,157 times
Reputation: 41117
Quote:
Originally Posted by stava View Post
Nobody with experience with passive-aggressive people who lash out because they perceive you don't like them?
I've never had that happen to me. People around me pretty much know whether I like them or not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2017, 12:57 PM
 
23 posts, read 11,978 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by stava View Post
That is a fair assumption. But in my experience that's not the case. What I have been told is that because I'm attractive and assertive, people assume I'm mean before actually getting to know me. I had one guy tell me that I reminded him of the "mean girls" in high school that rejected him and made his life hell, so before he knew me he assumed I was like that and was therefore really nasty to me. Once he got to know me he realized I wasn't like that and we finally became friends.

So it's like an automatic conclusion that many people seem to jump to about "how I am", before getting to know me.
In my experience, (I've had quite a lot of people around me) the assertive/attractive women can seem aloof and cold, thus giving the vibe of disliking the people around them. Some of them really do hate everyone, but in most cases they are thinking about their own thing/dealing with their own stuff and showing some sort of facial expression that everyone reads as unfriendliness. The only thing you probably need to do is look up and smile/smile as much as you can.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-10-2017, 12:59 PM
 
6,406 posts, read 2,304,073 times
Reputation: 14747
Stava, I've had this happen a few times. My sense in all the instances, was that they had a basic insecurity, and something about me was setting off their insecurity. Almost like...they bit me first, because they thought I was going to bite them.


The first couple of times it ever happened, I was hurt. But then when I started recognizing the problem, I'd just tell myself "They give me a lot of power by being afraid of me." And I'd have myself an inner smirk.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top