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Old 05-12-2017, 08:58 AM
 
174 posts, read 76,006 times
Reputation: 139

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I lost a once close friend because I was immature. I didn't do anything to purposely hurt them, but I said a few things in anger I didn't mean to get a reaction (they seem to think that anything I say in anger must be gospel truth. I called them egotistical. I've gotten a lot more insults on a message board). I also use to look down a lot on geeky things because and well they loved geeky things, so that was a major source of friction. Either way, I feel really guilty about it all. They obviously want nothing to do with me, and I don't think contacting them is good either. How do I deal with the guilt?


I looked online for different answers, but most of the issues have to deal with cheating, backstabbing, rape, etc. I mean, I don't think I should be held to those sort of standards.
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Old 05-12-2017, 09:04 AM
 
9,880 posts, read 3,931,322 times
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I don't think you're feeling much guilt at all, actually. You're defending insulting him/her, apparently believing you should be able to insult your friends just to get a reaction, and then you go on to say you've been insulted worse on a message board. That's certainly not a standard by which you should measure your behavior - don't insult your friends worse than the behavior you see on internet message boards.

I think you're feeling bad you don't have this friend anymore but you aren't accepting the responsibility for being insulting and demeaning.

So anyway, maybe this is a learning moment. Don't insult people just to "get a reaction".

In your defense, I sense you're very young but I have a relative in her mid 50's who could have written this post, so you've got time to mature out of it.
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Old 05-12-2017, 09:10 AM
 
1,432 posts, read 1,110,915 times
Reputation: 4792
Quote:
Originally Posted by theatomicbomb90 View Post
I lost a once close friend because I was immature. I didn't do anything to purposely hurt them, but I said a few things in anger I didn't mean to get a reaction (they seem to think that anything I say in anger must be gospel truth. I called them egotistical. I've gotten a lot more insults on a message board). I also use to look down a lot on geeky things because and well they loved geeky things, so that was a major source of friction. Either way, I feel really guilty about it all. They obviously want nothing to do with me, and I don't think contacting them is good either. How do I deal with the guilt?


I looked online for different answers, but most of the issues have to deal with cheating, backstabbing, rape, etc. I mean, I don't think I should be held to those sort of standards.
When you say things in anger you are purposely trying to hurt someone. As a matter of fact, what we say in anger is often how we really feel. Usually when someone is angry they lose their filter and the truth comes out. Hopefully you have learned from this and won't do it again.
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Old 05-12-2017, 09:16 AM
 
5,349 posts, read 2,238,576 times
Reputation: 16109
Quote:
Originally Posted by theatomicbomb90 View Post
I lost a once close friend because I was immature. I didn't do anything to purposely hurt them, but I said a few things in anger I didn't mean to get a reaction (they seem to think that anything I say in anger must be gospel truth. I called them egotistical. I've gotten a lot more insults on a message board). I also use to look down a lot on geeky things because and well they loved geeky things, so that was a major source of friction. Either way, I feel really guilty about it all. They obviously want nothing to do with me, and I don't think contacting them is good either. How do I deal with the guilt?


I looked online for different answers, but most of the issues have to deal with cheating, backstabbing, rape, etc. I mean, I don't think I should be held to those sort of standards.
Time heals most things. In my fifties, I make it a point to apologize to people for things I said and did in my teens and early twenties before I started behaving like a civilized human being.

I think the thing to realize is that wisdom is mostly something that is acquired. We are born as almost pure id, driven by our wants and desires of the moment. We say and do things because they are gratifying in the moment, never realizing how it affects others. Only over time, do most of us begin to understand that we are not islands, but part of something bigger.

So here's how you change things. You begin with yourself. You resolve to be a better person in how you treat others and how you view them. Be more generous. Understand the consequences of your actions before you perform them. And, over time, when you encounter these people, be proactive and apologize. Take your lumps when you do. But by apologizing, you'll be surprised at the effect it has on others.

The other thing? Even the best-behaved and best-intentioned accumulate enemies over time. Even when you do the right thing for yourself and others, you will have people dislike you for it. You just have to reconcile yourself to that. For the world isn't perfect for the people in it aren't perfect. The sooner you come to really absorb this the more happy and well-adjusted you will be.
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Old 05-12-2017, 09:23 AM
 
Location: SoCal again
15,910 posts, read 12,703,320 times
Reputation: 31047
Depending on the situation and the friendship, I would maybe send a letter and apologize. Short and to the point.


A letter with no return address on it or phone number or anything. Just to find my own peace and let the other person know you were wrong.
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Old 05-12-2017, 09:25 AM
 
174 posts, read 76,006 times
Reputation: 139
Quote:
Originally Posted by ccc123 View Post
When you say things in anger you are purposely trying to hurt someone. As a matter of fact, what we say in anger is often how we really feel. Usually when someone is angry they lose their filter and the truth comes out. Hopefully you have learned from this and won't do it again.
no. it might be how I felt at the moment, but it's not how I felt about them in general. but I've been better at biting my tongue.
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Old 05-12-2017, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,660 posts, read 41,395,027 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theatomicbomb90 View Post
no...
Yes.

Until you acknowledge what you actually did, you won't be able to stop feeling this way.
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Old 05-12-2017, 12:30 PM
 
6,370 posts, read 2,285,056 times
Reputation: 14629
If you're truly sorry about what you said, apologize. THAT'S how you deal with guilt.
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Old 05-12-2017, 12:45 PM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
22,447 posts, read 24,005,241 times
Reputation: 48633
If this is the same person that the OP has confessed to harassing in her other thread, then the apology/closure bridge is probably burned. You lost a friendship because you couldn't control yourself, and you drove her away further with your actions. What you can do is accept the fact that you messed up, and do better going forward.
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Old 05-12-2017, 12:47 PM
 
3,137 posts, read 1,805,947 times
Reputation: 5990
See it as a learning situation. We've all been guilty of being rude or overly-critical towards someone.

If it makes you feel better, send them an apology via email or a card.
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