U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-13-2017, 11:58 AM
 
33 posts, read 21,207 times
Reputation: 90

Advertisements

Hi everyone! I had a platonic female friend for almost 10 years. We basically grew up together from our teenage years. We shared almost everything.

Whenever she was going through trouble, i was her go to person for advice and consolation. When she needed to vent about her relationships, family and even when she needed career, life advice and help with college homework!

About a year ago i noticed that she talked to me less and less, whenever she did, it was because she needed help with something, not because she wanted to see if i was okay.
Whenever she wanted to hangout, it was because she needed something from me. When i suggested hanging out she was always busy. Which i was okay with at the time, because i know that people change, and dynamics change.

So last month i went through a terrible break up, there's this thing about guy friends that you just can't talk to them about something like a break up. They would either ask you to man up or just laugh at you for crying over something so "trivial"

So i reached out to my friend, the first three times she was busy. I asked for a fourth time and she agreed to meet, but it never happened. A month went by, not only did she not meet, she didn't drop me a single message to see how i was doing. Now this is a girl i have helped through countless breakups.

I was disappointed that the friend that i gave so much for, i needed something from her for once, and she couldn't give it to me.

So i had a conversation with her, and let her know that we can no longer be friends. In her defense, her mom was going through a life threatening disease(which is not a lie), but all you need to do is look at her newsfeed to realize that she had no trouble spending time with other friends during this time. It's not that she couldn't meet me, it's that i felt like i had no importance to her whatsoever during this time. I felt utterly used and betrayed.

I would like your opinion on this. Thanks
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-13-2017, 12:13 PM
 
2,502 posts, read 1,532,476 times
Reputation: 5347
You have to do what you think is best in these situations. Are you getting anything out of the friendship? Is dealing with this person upsetting for you? If the answers to these two questions are "no" and "yes" (respectively), maybe it's time to move on.

I will tell you that, personally, I have ended friendships if I felt the person is being disrespectful towards me and/or if I see the friendship is only one-sided.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2017, 12:38 PM
 
1,389 posts, read 538,076 times
Reputation: 3091
Yes...you did do the right thing. You were giving and giving and she was just taking and taking.Friends are suppose to be there for you through good times AND bad times...
You noticed this but thought nothing of it at the time but then you gave us examples of other times when she did the same thing.
You have done the right thing in letting this one go.You were never appreciated by this person and only used when SHE needed you to help her go through whatever drama was going on with her life...SHE made herself accessible to you then BUT ONLY when SHE needed something...NOT COOL.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2017, 12:40 PM
 
16,990 posts, read 20,585,256 times
Reputation: 33951
Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl View Post
Yes...you did do the right thing. You were giving and giving and she was just taking and taking.Friends are suppose to be there for you through good times AND bad times...
You noticed this but thought nothing of it at the time but then you gave us examples of other times when she did the same thing.
You have done the right thing in letting this one go.You were never appreciated by this person and only used when SHE needed you to help her go through whatever drama was going on with her life...SHE made herself accessible to you then BUT ONLY when SHE needed something...NOT COOL.

Exactly, you did the right thing OP.

It could have been a bad break up, a job loss, a death in the family. Doesn't matter the issue, it's all about her.

Good riddance.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2017, 01:16 PM
 
12,528 posts, read 10,407,434 times
Reputation: 17286
I think you did the right thing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2017, 02:12 PM
 
13,742 posts, read 14,576,691 times
Reputation: 11425
it's always sad when you realize some people even family won't go out of their way to be a good friend.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2017, 02:16 PM
 
12,827 posts, read 6,153,477 times
Reputation: 10687
OP --- You did the right thing.

In the past, I knew people that I thought were my friends. I, too, was there for them when they needed help. Then when I needed help, they were full of excuses. Or they would only call when they wanted something. I ended up dropping them all. None of them ever asked why. Although, one whom I discovered to be a constant liar, drifted away when I confronted her on one of her lies. Then several months later she wrote me a letter asking to bury the hatchet. I just ignored it.

That said, I think it was good that you had a talk with her and let her know how you felt. If I have to guess, as time goes on, she will keep using and losing people in her life. People like her never learn.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2017, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,544 posts, read 14,166,997 times
Reputation: 30110
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoxField View Post
Hi everyone! I had a platonic female friend for almost 10 years. We basically grew up together from our teenage years. We shared almost everything.

Whenever she was going through trouble, i was her go to person for advice and consolation. When she needed to vent about her relationships, family and even when she needed career, life advice and help with college homework!

About a year ago i noticed that she talked to me less and less, whenever she did, it was because she needed help with something, not because she wanted to see if i was okay.
Whenever she wanted to hangout, it was because she needed something from me. When i suggested hanging out she was always busy. Which i was okay with at the time, because i know that people change, and dynamics change.

So last month i went through a terrible break up, there's this thing about guy friends that you just can't talk to them about something like a break up. They would either ask you to man up or just laugh at you for crying over something so "trivial"

So i reached out to my friend, the first three times she was busy. I asked for a fourth time and she agreed to meet, but it never happened. A month went by, not only did she not meet, she didn't drop me a single message to see how i was doing. Now this is a girl i have helped through countless breakups.

I was disappointed that the friend that i gave so much for, i needed something from her for once, and she couldn't give it to me.

So i had a conversation with her, and let her know that we can no longer be friends. In her defense, her mom was going through a life threatening disease(which is not a lie), but all you need to do is look at her newsfeed to realize that she had no trouble spending time with other friends during this time. It's not that she couldn't meet me, it's that i felt like i had no importance to her whatsoever during this time. I felt utterly used and betrayed.

I would like your opinion on this. Thanks
I am not sure why you felt you had to do a formal break up. Why not simply not contact her any more? It is possible that the friendship might pick up at a later date.

I terms of giving encouragement and not receiving any, I do understand what you are saying. Sometimes we have friendships like that. I am not sure that all friendships operate along a strict quid pro quo. In your case, your friend could not find time to talk to you at all. I think she was being thoughtless, or preoccupied, but not necessarily cruel.

I also think you might have cut her some slack since her mother is quite sick. It might be that she is stretched thin emotionally, and was exhausted by the thought of having to listen you your romantic woes.

But if you have broken off the long term friendship, then I am not sure if you can repair it. I don't know if you want to repair it, but your post indicates that you are having some regrets. Friendships do not always last lifetimes. I hope your friend has other friends who can offer support as she deals with her mother's life threatening illness.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2017, 02:29 PM
 
Location: Boston
3,732 posts, read 1,452,159 times
Reputation: 5796
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoxField View Post
Hi everyone! I had a platonic female friend for almost 10 years. We basically grew up together from our teenage years. We shared almost everything.

Whenever she was going through trouble, i was her go to person for advice and consolation. When she needed to vent about her relationships, family and even when she needed career, life advice and help with college homework!

About a year ago i noticed that she talked to me less and less, whenever she did, it was because she needed help with something, not because she wanted to see if i was okay.
Whenever she wanted to hangout, it was because she needed something from me. When i suggested hanging out she was always busy. Which i was okay with at the time, because i know that people change, and dynamics change.

So last month i went through a terrible break up, there's this thing about guy friends that you just can't talk to them about something like a break up. They would either ask you to man up or just laugh at you for crying over something so "trivial"

So i reached out to my friend, the first three times she was busy. I asked for a fourth time and she agreed to meet, but it never happened. A month went by, not only did she not meet, she didn't drop me a single message to see how i was doing. Now this is a girl i have helped through countless breakups.

I was disappointed that the friend that i gave so much for, i needed something from her for once, and she couldn't give it to me.

So i had a conversation with her, and let her know that we can no longer be friends. In her defense, her mom was going through a life threatening disease(which is not a lie), but all you need to do is look at her newsfeed to realize that she had no trouble spending time with other friends during this time. It's not that she couldn't meet me, it's that i felt like i had no importance to her whatsoever during this time. I felt utterly used and betrayed.

I would like your opinion on this. Thanks

That level of reliance on other people can be a problem. Some people can't help and find it a burden.
Wheresoever you place your ultimate reliance in life, that is your God.
People will always fail you in the end, even loving parents die.

You can't talk to guys because they are less likely to co-sign your BS.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-13-2017, 02:32 PM
 
33 posts, read 21,207 times
Reputation: 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
OP --- You did the right thing.

In the past, I knew people that I thought were my friends. I, too, was there for them when they needed help. Then when I needed help, they were full of excuses. Or they would only call when they wanted something. I ended up dropping them all. None of them ever asked why. Although, one whom I discovered to be a constant liar, drifted away when I confronted her on one of her lies. Then several months later she wrote me a letter asking to bury the hatchet. I just ignored it.

That said, I think it was good that you had a talk with her and let her know how you felt. If I have to guess, as time goes on, she will keep using and losing people in her life. People like her never learn.
Talking to her did really help. The only reason i questioned my decision even once was because i knew her mom was dying, and she was looking after her. So for a long time i ignored it until i realized she was having fun with other friends, and her mom's disease wasn't getting in the way. During our last conversation she did admit that she couldn't do half the things for me that i had done for her, and that if she had the time to, she would have. I simply did not believe her. She also said that she didn't think i was going through a bad time, when i flat out said, i really want to sit down and talk to you. I went through so much pain because of the break up, it was just heartbreaking that she as a friend did not even care to ask me how i was doing.

I'm glad you found the strength to drop people like these, how did you deal with the loss? And how did you make new friends?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:38 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. | Please obey Forum Rules | Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top