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Old 06-01-2017, 08:35 PM
 
68 posts, read 46,654 times
Reputation: 108

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2martins View Post
Sister in law and Mother in law saw that other sister in law wasn't invited to my son's graduation.

first Mom in law sent me an email with sisters email address since I must not have it. I thanked her since I would definitely need it for an announcement.

MIL and SIL talk and decide (without talking to my husband or me) that they will invite the other sister anyway, assuming that I will cave in once she's already been invited since uninviting her will hurt her feelings.

Husband and I remain adamant she's not invited. Obviously, we have very good reason for this.

We tell MIL she needs to take care of it. Mother in law admits what she did was wrong and apologizes and SAYS she will take care of it but then procrastinates and talks to other SIL again and hasn't done anything yet.

So then SIL tells my husband well I won't come if sister isn't invited. My wonderful husband replies, Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll really miss you. So the next morning her husband emails me and tells me he won't photograph the ceremony as he promised to do months ago.

I told him that while I understood his wife not coming that he made a commitment to my son and the entire graduating class and that I expected him to honor his commitment.

He responded that well his first priority is MIL and SIL and maybe if we can repair our relationship he will be able to shoot the ceremony.

I reply that I am willing to forgive and forget if they apologize, fix the problem, and I expect him to honor his commitment.

So far no response. Totally pissed here. I can't find any advice on line pertaining to this because NO ONE DOESModerator cut: delete THIS!!!!
No one has the right to invite anyone to your child's graduation except maybe your child of course. Otherwise this is easy peasy. And those invited can come or not come per their own personal reasons. That is just fine
Case closed
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Old 06-01-2017, 10:00 PM
Status: "Is that all there is?" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: Southeastern Pennsylvania
996 posts, read 863,000 times
Reputation: 2298
The honest-to-goodness truth is that a high school graduation is not a very big deal anymore. Yeah, they have a h.s. diploma. Big deal.

If a student is valedictorian or in the top 10% of the class, definitely an achievement to be applauded. Otherwise, isn't it kinda like the trophies for "participation" in sports? Show up, get the piece of paper, no idea what it really measures?
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Old 06-01-2017, 10:23 PM
 
Location: The sleepy part of New York City
1,953 posts, read 1,206,352 times
Reputation: 4327
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2martins View Post
We did decide with our son who to invite. I can ask SIL2 if she thinks SIL1 would prefer to receive or not an announcement. I
I certainly don't want to make to worse.
I think it's a little late for that. I really have a hard time understanding you and your motives. Are you deliberately trying to alienate your husband's family? It's your son's HS graduation for goodness sake. It's not like your son is receiving the Nobel Peace prize. You don't even have to sit with the relatives you don't want to be around. They'd be there for your son, not you.

Why do you have to make it all about you? And why involve your son? I can only imagine how the conversation with your son went.. What did you expect him to say? Hes just going to tell you what you want to hear.
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Old 06-02-2017, 12:57 AM
 
87 posts, read 259,615 times
Reputation: 66
Honestly I wanted the day to be about my son for once and not all about SIL1 who is mentally ill. She's only recently out of the hospital and my husband and I really thought it would be a bad idea to invite her. If you invite her and she doesn't want to go she could feel pressured and be upset. Or think it means you want a present even though you "know she can't come." Then during the event if she gets upset everyone would have to be worried about her and ignore our son. This has nothing to do with not liking her. It has to do with her being psychotic some times and you don't know when. And I have no idea what the new boyfriend is like. My son does not want her there! I talked to him because I wanted him to understand that if he wants to go see them and celebrate with them that we are fine with that even if we decide not to go. He's almost an adult and he should make his own decisions about relationships. We did recommend that he not allow them to guilt him into doing anything he was uncomfortable doing. He said if he went he wants to take a car so he can leave. He also didn't commit to seeing them. He said he would if he had time. He loves his grandma and I'm sure he wants to see her. He's disappointed in his aunt and uncle right now but he does love them. He's never had much of a relationship with SIL1. He doesn't understand why they would refuse to go to HIS Graduation because someone else wasn't invited. This isn't the first time that there has been manipulative behavior on that side of the family but we are done with it. If they had asked nicely if we could PLEASE invite her and explained why they thought it was a good idea, we could have discussed it. But they didn't talk to us, they just decided that they would invite her. That way we'd be the bad guys for "UNinviting her.". So out of guilt we were supposed to just invite her instead so she wouldn't get her feelings hurt. There were ways they could have changed their plans so that they went to see her before or after graduation so it wasn't necessary to uninvite her. They chose not to. I refuse to be emotionally blackmailed and I want my son to see it for what it is and understand that healthy relationships don't work that way. His college graduation and wedding are just a few years down the road probably. How he chooses to deal with this will set the tone for whether or not they respect his boundaries or try to manipulate him. I sure wish I'd learned that lesson earlier in life. It doesn't mean you don't love the other people, it's that you insist on people treating you with respect. (When people are actively psychotic they get a pass for saying rude things). And if someone does treat you badly but then apologizes and makes it right then you move on and put it behind you if they are family.
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Old 06-02-2017, 07:40 AM
 
3,295 posts, read 1,562,436 times
Reputation: 3602
Are all these adults living under the same roof? If it is, invite all or none. Realize a close knit, extended family will catch feelings if not invited . Would you not catch feelings as well?

The less you say to outside family, the better, they do not, or should not have any say in your family, and husband needs to respect that, and act on it. It will be very easy, our son does not want too many guests, we are afraid she will spazz out, thats it. Let your husband know that being made feel guilty is not fair.

Very simple task, do it now. Do the same for your son, and teach him .
When adults get married, mom and siblings are seperate, from wife and kids. The heads of the house make all the rules!
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:29 AM
 
68 posts, read 46,654 times
Reputation: 108
I have a schizophrenic BIL. My sons graduation was about my son, luckily.

BIL was not notified of it and requests went out not to mention it to him. It worked out fine.

All the rest of the year it is about BIL. Not fair but it is what it is. BIL also has to learn some places are not conducive to his illness, and being around alot of people doesn't help him. Our son looks forward to seeing family, including this BIL by the way, just not in settings counter-productive to his mental health and my sons big day. These days rarely come up. Just how we handled it.
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:30 AM
 
10,155 posts, read 4,049,404 times
Reputation: 25716
I just deleted a long and kind of rude message.

The whole point here, 2Martins, is you need to treat your husbands family as "we" instead of "they".

Initially, you should have had kind and candid conversations with your MIL and BIL/SIL about the upcoming graduation, what the ceremony was that you are planning, approx length of time, and ask if it seems SIL1 would appreciate being invited/want to attend. "We don't want to hurt her feelings, or make things awkward for her or you all, what do you suggest?" You shouldn't have let them be surprised and hurt to realize they were all invited but this one sister was being left out on purpose. And they were expected to graciously be fine with that, and participate in that.

If they said yes, then at that point you can ask what can be done to make it easier on her, or appoint SIL2 to monitor her and gracefully leave with her if it's too much for her.

Your whole approach of snubbing her and then getting angry and demanding apologies when your husband's family was so uncomfortable about snubbing her themselves that they included her in the celebration.

Your son doesn't even care whether they're there, and he's trying to leave at the earliest possible time in his getaway car, so I don't think you should worry that he wants everyone to focus on him. He wants to avoid this ugliness.

And yes, this will resurface again at college graduation, weddings, baptisms, your hallmark wedding anniversaries, etc. if you don't treat your husband's family like "we".
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:38 AM
 
68 posts, read 46,654 times
Reputation: 108
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2martins View Post
Sister in law and Mother in law saw that other sister in law wasn't invited to my son's graduation.

first Mom in law sent me an email with sisters email address since I must not have it. I thanked her since I would definitely need it for an announcement.

MIL and SIL talk and decide (without talking to my husband or me) that they will invite the other sister anyway, assuming that I will cave in once she's already been invited since uninviting her will hurt her feelings.

Husband and I remain adamant she's not invited. Obviously, we have very good reason for this.

We tell MIL she needs to take care of it. Mother in law admits what she did was wrong and apologizes and SAYS she will take care of it but then procrastinates and talks to other SIL again and hasn't done anything yet.

So then SIL tells my husband well I won't come if sister isn't invited. My wonderful husband replies, Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll really miss you. So the next morning her husband emails me and tells me he won't photograph the ceremony as he promised to do months ago.

I told him that while I understood his wife not coming that he made a commitment to my son and the entire graduating class and that I expected him to honor his commitment.

He responded that well his first priority is MIL and SIL and maybe if we can repair our relationship he will be able to shoot the ceremony.

I reply that I am willing to forgive and forget if they apologize, fix the problem, and I expect him to honor his commitment.

So far no response. Totally pissed here. I can't find any advice on line pertaining to this because NO ONE DOESModerator cut: delete THIS!!!!
I hesitated saying this at first but I would NEVER speak to my husbands family in this manner. What in the world?? No one owes you an apology. Of course BIL isn't going to go to the ceremony, to photograph it or not, if there is a rift going on. You should've assumed that.

Wow. You really need get it together.
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:45 AM
 
258 posts, read 153,333 times
Reputation: 644
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Unless you say - in a nutshell - what this dispute is about, I don't think you'll get as valuable information as you could. It's not "obvious" at all, to a reader, that there is a good reason.

I'm curious about what the issue is, due to the fact that one sister in law has stated she won't go without her sister, and you still thought that sister's husband would offer you the favor of photographing the graduation his wife is boycotting in support of her sister. You're really missing out on understanding family dynamics.

Since everyone is allied with your SIL, and you shouldn't expect a favor to be honored when they are all hurting for her, and it's your doing.

Usually, when a family member does something really agregious, it splits families and some agree with each side. No one is on your side.

Can you - briefly - describe what this disagreement is about? The whole family sides with your sister in law.

Edited to add: I do have a question. Is he the contracted photographer for the ceremony by the school? If so, the school will need to handle severing the contract. If he was only extending the favor he was offering your son to anyone else who was interested in his generosity?
NOT TRUE at all. Just because everyone is siding with the uninvited SIL does not mean OP is in the wrong here. There are boundary issues with this, and most, families.
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Old 06-02-2017, 08:53 AM
 
258 posts, read 153,333 times
Reputation: 644
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
When people start meddling and issuing ultimatums, a good response is to call their bluff. Tell them you're sorry they won't be attending, and that you have another photog lined up. Hopefully you can find one last-minute. Don't let these people tell you what to do with your child's grad occasion. If honoring their wish to not attend causes a rift, so be it. Do you need people like this in your life? They're really showing you the stuff they're made of. Sorry this is happening, OP.
This. Exactly. Why have people in your life like this? You deserve better.
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