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Old 05-19-2017, 01:44 PM
 
6,266 posts, read 3,382,849 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2martins View Post

We tell MIL she needs to take care of it. Mother in law admits what she did was wrong and apologizes and SAYS she will take care of it but then procrastinates and talks to other SIL again and hasn't done anything yet.
MIL isn't going to do a darned thing. It will completely slip her mind.
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Old 05-19-2017, 01:52 PM
 
1,222 posts, read 891,049 times
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I don't really blame the OP, or many others, for not coming back to follow up. You guys certainly jump to some absurd conclusions based on the limited information that was given.
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Old 05-19-2017, 02:31 PM
 
9,879 posts, read 3,926,184 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lbjen View Post
I don't really blame the OP, or many others, for not coming back to follow up. You guys certainly jump to some absurd conclusions based on the limited information that was given.
I completely agree - except she didn't even log back into this website after posting that.
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Old 05-19-2017, 10:56 PM
 
Location: OHIO
2,315 posts, read 1,051,606 times
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When threads like this happen I always assume the OP joins and posts when emotions are high and judgement clouded. They sleep on it, wake up, realize they were being silly/stupid/whatever and are too embarrassed to come back, or just don't care to.
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Old 06-01-2017, 11:04 AM
 
87 posts, read 259,157 times
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I was trying to keep it short but my MIL has apologized. I did not invite SIL1 becsuse she's mentally ill, smokes like a chimney and there is no smoking where the ceremony or reception are AND I knew she would want to bring (and she is indeed) bringing her boyfriend - the guy she recently dumped her husband for- that no one has met yet. Hubby and I were supposed to meet him and visit her a couple of weeks ago but then they blew us off. In all of our discussions with the other family, she was never mentioned, so her being invited was a complete surprise. I had to tell them that they cannot invite her to graduation, that isn't how that works. Their family is used to using manipulation to get what they want. When them just inviting her didn't work , they upped the ante by saying SIL wouldnt go in solidarity. When that didn't work they upped the ante by saying BIL wouldn't take the photos.

I found another photographer and told him his services are not needed. I also finally got to talk to my son about this (he'd been out of the country) and he totally agrees with us. My side of the family agrees with us and my husband agrees.

Obviously they can invite SIL to the city they will be in, but not the event. Problem is that my son is ridiculously busy while they are here outside of the event. DH and I don't want to spend time with people that would emotionally blackmail us anyway.

And announcements are sent *after* the event to people that you care about but were unable to accommodate at the event.

My son doesn't care if they come or now now that I have located a photographer and said what they did was "lame". The SIL due to her illness ends up making everything​ about her and this time it was also going to be about her new boyfriend. It's supposed to be about my SON. We told him that if he wanted to spend time with them when he was in town he was totally welcome to do that where they are staying or out somewhere. He said well, if I have time.

We also talked to him about healthy family relationships and that if he wanted to avoid being emotionally blackmailed when his college graduation and wedding rolled around that he needed to think carefully about how he wanted to handle this.

We reminded the MIL, SIL AND BIL that we love them even when we have issues and that we were ready and willing to forgive and forget when an apology and solution were forthcoming.

SIl responded last night but none of us are sure what she means. It sounded generally positive but I think she means they will celebrate apart from the ceremony. Which is great if DS has time
He doesn't seem incredibly motivated to MAKE time, so we shall see what happens.
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Old 06-01-2017, 11:09 AM
 
5,347 posts, read 2,235,197 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2martins View Post
Sister in law and Mother in law saw that other sister in law wasn't invited to my son's graduation.

first Mom in law sent me an email with sisters email address since I must not have it. I thanked her since I would definitely need it for an announcement.

MIL and SIL talk and decide (without talking to my husband or me) that they will invite the other sister anyway, assuming that I will cave in once she's already been invited since uninviting her will hurt her feelings.

Husband and I remain adamant she's not invited. Obviously, we have very good reason for this.

We tell MIL she needs to take care of it. Mother in law admits what she did was wrong and apologizes and SAYS she will take care of it but then procrastinates and talks to other SIL again and hasn't done anything yet.

So then SIL tells my husband well I won't come if sister isn't invited. My wonderful husband replies, Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. We'll really miss you. So the next morning her husband emails me and tells me he won't photograph the ceremony as he promised to do months ago.

I told him that while I understood his wife not coming that he made a commitment to my son and the entire graduating class and that I expected him to honor his commitment.

He responded that well his first priority is MIL and SIL and maybe if we can repair our relationship he will be able to shoot the ceremony.

I reply that I am willing to forgive and forget if they apologize, fix the problem, and I expect him to honor his commitment.

So far no response. Totally pissed here. I can't find any advice on line pertaining to this because NO ONE DOESModerator cut: delete THIS!!!!
What exactly DID your SIL do to be snubbed in this way? Be honest. No beating around the bush. Don't manufacture something. Just give it to us straight.

Because until we know what exactly she did that was so heinous, I can't decide who is being the bigger pill.

UPDATE.

Now that I've read your reply, I think you're the one in the wrong. Smokes like a chimney? Bringing her boyfriend? These seem like minor offenses, given that your sister can almost certainly be persuaded to not smoke during a two-hour graduation. Certainly far less that telling someone that they are not invited to their nephew's graduation.

Now as far as the mentally ill bit goes, are we talking psychotic episodes? Will she be standing up, interrupting the event to try and exorcise the dean? Or is she just weird, often saying the wrong things? And have you allowed your manifest dislike of her magnify every little odd thing she does?

Good rule of thumb in life. People who say they don't want drama are typically the biggest manufacturers of it. By snubbing your sister-in-law at a major event in the family's life and thrusting your MIL and other SIL into a very awkward position, it seems to me that your drama seems to beat hers by a country mile

Last edited by MinivanDriver; 06-01-2017 at 11:20 AM..
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Old 06-01-2017, 12:50 PM
 
16,722 posts, read 14,608,301 times
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Thanks for the update, OP. I don't blame you a bit for the reasons why you didn't want your SIL there. She can be a cheating drama queen at someone else's event.
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Old 06-01-2017, 03:22 PM
 
16,990 posts, read 20,594,508 times
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[quote=MinivanDriver;48354456]What exactly DID your SIL do to be snubbed in this way? Be honest. No beating around the bush. Don't manufacture something. Just give it to us straight.

Because until we know what exactly she did that was so heinous, I can't decide who is being the bigger pill.

UPDATE.

Now that I've read your reply, I think you're the one in the wrong. Smokes like a chimney? Bringing her boyfriend? These seem like minor offenses, given that your sister can almost certainly be persuaded to not smoke during a two-hour graduation. Certainly far less that telling someone that they are not invited to their nephew's graduation.

Now as far as the mentally ill bit goes, are we talking psychotic episodes? Will she be standing up, interrupting the event to try and exorcise the dean? Or is she just weird, often saying the wrong things? And have you allowed your manifest dislike of her magnify every little odd thing she does?

Good rule of thumb in life. People who say they don't want drama are typically the biggest manufacturers of it. By snubbing your sister-in-law at a major event in the family's life and thrusting your MIL and other SIL into a very awkward position, it seems to me that your drama seems to beat hers by a country mile[/QUOTE]


Very true.

And saying someone is mentally ill, well that really casts a wide net doesn't it? That could mean anything from suffering from a mild depression to as you said causing a scene.

Also never heard of graduation(even HS) where there seems to be no limit to how many guests can be invited. OP lives in the Reno, NV area and the temps are already in the high 80s and 90s, so it must be inside. Surely there is a seating capacity.

And frankly most people who aren't directly related and close to the graduate aren't thrilled with attending. Is the OP so sure the SIL's boyfriend wants to attend a long and boring ceremony for somone he doesn't even know?
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Old 06-01-2017, 03:41 PM
 
87 posts, read 259,157 times
Reputation: 66
I don't, my husband doesnt, my son doesnt, .y sister doesn't and my other brother in-law doesn't and NO ONE wants the new trailer dwelling boyfriend that picked up SIL1 in a bar while she was still married and then picked her up from the mental hospital this last time she got out. But SIL2 didn't care what anyone thought but her and her mom and her sister. Once again, it's all about SIL1. As usual. When it was SUPPOSED to be about my son.
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Old 06-01-2017, 03:57 PM
 
87 posts, read 259,157 times
Reputation: 66
The BIL is a semi pro photographer. He's quite good. I'm organizing the graduation which is the very first one for the school and there is no budget. So I asked my BILS who are both semi pro photographers to do please do the ceremony for the entire class, not just my son. If I have to hire someone for the class it's coming out of my pocket and its wedding season and last minute. I already paid for the caps and gowns for the whole class. I'm also organizing the reception for the whole class and all of their family and friends and paying for half of the food. Hopefully next year the school will have it together and THEY will be handling these things but I stepped up to take care of it when I realized they didn't. Since I will be very busy and under stress it's really not a good time to have the mentally ill sister in law around. Sometime she will get so upset becausdesome one said something that no normal person would take the wrong way. She's tried to commit suicide before. I really can't handle that extra stress on top of organizing the whole thing! If she is around everything's about her. The graduation is for​ the seniors. I want to be able to enjoy the event and not worry the whole time about what SIL1 might do. I want my SON and husband to be able to enjoy the event. I doubt SIL1 would even come anyway, but we didn't want to risk it. If I were just attending the ceremony and reception it might be different but I'm in CHARGE of them.
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