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Old 05-19-2017, 10:45 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michael917 View Post
As I've mentioned in other threads, I regularly facilitate a self-help group which has been by and large a successful endeavor. On rare occasions, though, it forces me to deal with difficult situations.

Over the past 24 hours, I've exchanged a couple of emails with a group member who was seriously offended by what happened at the last meeting. Her version of the story is that she shared a very difficult subject matter looking for feedback, and instead we were dismissive and judgmental. From there, she ranted that for a group that's supposed to be dealing with difficult personal issues, we spend an awful lot of time talking about pleasant, upbeat topics.

I wrote a response trying to explain the situation as I understood it, but her next email was even angrier. She took several things I said out of context, although she did express (at the very end) an appreciation that I reached out.

I'm just wondering how to handle this going forward. I virtually never get criticism about the group, and yet this makes me wonder if others are secretly unhappy as well, or if it's just this one hyper-sensitive person twisting things around based on her anger over one incident.
Perhaps you should suggest she find another group, seeing that this is not a productive relationship on both ends.
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Old 05-19-2017, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,762 posts, read 4,182,912 times
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If she meets you for coffee and she can get over being so bothered, good. I think I'd let her know that you are going to bring this up in a meeting in a couple of weeks (NOT the next week and NOT her, specifically) but bring it up that some people can be offended by what others have said and to please make it known to you privately if this should ever happen to them.

It's just letting people in the group know that they can come to you if something is bothering them about an incident that came up (like she did). Maybe she's a whiner, maybe not... from another perspective, she had the guts to say something rather than never attend the classes again.
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Old 05-19-2017, 01:37 PM
 
Location: Canada
9,077 posts, read 8,355,728 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michael917 View Post
Just to clarify this one point, her real complaint was that we barely gave any feedback at all. She felt that one specific person was being judgmental and the rest of us were dismissive of the issue. My recollection (it's a week later now) is that it was a hugely sensitive issue, and my guess is that most people had no idea how one should deal with a problem of that nature.
Did you say that to her? If everyone else shared and received advice, but she didn't receive any, i can see how she would perceive it that way. Sometimes issues are beyond the capabilities of a self-help group, but you dont want to invalidate someone's issue just because the group doesnt have any feedback. It's a fine line.
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Old 05-19-2017, 03:12 PM
 
Location: BNA
490 posts, read 278,358 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michael917 View Post
As I've mentioned in other threads, I regularly facilitate a self-help group which has been by and large a successful endeavor. On rare occasions, though, it forces me to deal with difficult situations.

Over the past 24 hours, I've exchanged a couple of emails with a group member who was seriously offended by what happened at the last meeting. Her version of the story is that she shared a very difficult subject matter looking for feedback, and instead we were dismissive and judgmental. From there, she ranted that for a group that's supposed to be dealing with difficult personal issues, we spend an awful lot of time talking about pleasant, upbeat topics.

I wrote a response trying to explain the situation as I understood it, but her next email was even angrier. She took several things I said out of context, although she did express (at the very end) an appreciation that I reached out.

I'm just wondering how to handle this going forward. I virtually never get criticism about the group, and yet this makes me wonder if others are secretly unhappy as well, or if it's just this one hyper-sensitive person twisting things around based on her anger over one incident.
Well here's some criticism.

I wasn't there, so I can't give you my personal observation about the dynamic of your meeting or what your goal for that meeting happened to be. Your colleague however, WAS there, and she has a viewpoint about what happened. Her viewpoint came from somewhere, and it's her reality. That is not to say that her perception of things is correct, or is aligned with what you intended. It's therefore your job to try to see how and why she might develop such a viewpoint, rather than make the assertion that she "ranted" and is "hyper-sensitive." Maybe you aren't sensitive enough.
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Old 05-19-2017, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Xelfer View Post
Well here's some criticism.

I wasn't there, so I can't give you my personal observation about the dynamic of your meeting or what your goal for that meeting happened to be. Your colleague however, WAS there, and she has a viewpoint about what happened. Her viewpoint came from somewhere, and it's her reality. That is not to say that her perception of things is correct, or is aligned with what you intended. It's therefore your job to try to see how and why she might develop such a viewpoint, rather than make the assertion that she "ranted" and is "hyper-sensitive." Maybe you aren't sensitive enough.
Good post. Some people are highly sensitive and feel things more deeply. It's simply the way they are wired.
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Old 05-19-2017, 06:53 PM
 
Location: So Cal
40,531 posts, read 40,030,591 times
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Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
Good post. Some people are highly sensitive and feel things more deeply. It's simply the way they are wired.
I think that those same people should learn to be more objective about themselves and to "watch" their feeling more. The people in my life that I've known to be HSP types tend to not reign themselves in as much as they should. It's probably easier said than done I'm sure, but it should be something that they should learn, at least for their own sake and mental sanity, if anything.
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Old 05-19-2017, 08:27 PM
 
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
I think that those same people should learn to be more objective about themselves and to "watch" their feeling more. The people in my life that I've known to be HSP types tend to not reign themselves in as much as they should. It's probably easier said than done I'm sure, but it should be something that they should learn, at least for their own sake and mental sanity, if anything.
I'm an HSP. I feel things very deeply, think deeply and have an overabundance of empathy compared to the average person. Not really clear what i need to watch or reign in.
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Old 05-19-2017, 08:29 PM
 
Location: So Cal
40,531 posts, read 40,030,591 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
I'm an HSP. I feel things very deeply, think deeply and have an overabundance of empathy compared to the average person. Not really clear what i need to watch or reign in.
What I said was more applicable to HSP's that are more on the hotheaded side and find offense easier than people who are deeply empathetic.

Last edited by Chowhound; 05-19-2017 at 08:53 PM..
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Old 05-19-2017, 09:13 PM
 
Location: Canada
9,077 posts, read 8,355,728 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound View Post
What I said was more applicable to HSP's that are more on the hotheaded side and find offense easier than people who are deeply empathetic.
Hotheaded and easily offended aren't HSP traits. Here's one example that summarizes HSP's.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...nsitive-people
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Old 05-22-2017, 06:30 AM
 
3,205 posts, read 1,678,473 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011 View Post
Hotheaded and easily offended aren't HSP traits. Here's one example that summarizes HSP's.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...nsitive-people
The OP never said the person had sensory issues. And he didn't say she had HSP or that she was "hyper" anything. He said she was overly sensitive.

It is difficult for people when they are accused of being "judgemental" because that is such a meaningless term. Example:

A very long term friend of mine, when we were single and heavily into the dating world, complained to me more than once that she seemed to continually choose a particular "type" of guy that always ended up being wrong for her.

One day she was on the phone with me complaining about being heartbroken by the latest guy, and how she wished she could meet a "good guy" and I basically parroted back to her what she had said to me for years: That she was picking the wrong guys -- for her.

Well, later that day she sent me an angry email saying she was "hurt" that I "judged her" for who she was choosing. Huh? I wasn't "judging" (whatever that means). In fact, I was friends with one of these guys. I was merely reminding her that if she wanted to break this cycle of being disappointed all the time, she knew what she had to do because she had actually been the one to TELL ME what she needed to do.

Anyway, she "got" where I was coming from and it all smoothed over. But the point is, people often can't face their own insecurities and turn it onto others with the "judgemental" cry.


____________

As for reigning it in, yes, sometimes that needs to happen. You can't make others responsible for your insecurities. It affects relationships. My father is hurt because of an innocent "slight" made by a relative -- a relative he has had a good relationship with for 50+ years. He is simmering about this, has been for days, and hung up on me when I told him there may be another way to look at it. My father's sensitivity manifests like this ALL THE TIME and I really believe it has cost him some relationships because others feel like they have to walk on eggshells all the time. Hell, I used to feel that way too but I no longer care if he hangs up on me.
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