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I should have also included that he and his girlfriend hang out every single day. He gets out of work before she does, and as soon as she gets out and gets home, he comes to her house and they hang out until she goes to bed. She also gets annoyed that he doesn't let her relax for a couple of hours after work, but I will add that he not only does this with me, but with her and his other friends. So the notion that he is secretly gay and has a crush on me is ridiculous, I'm sorry.
So exactly what do you want to happen regarding your friendship with this guy?
Exactly what advice do you want from us?
Exactly what do you plan on doing regarding his refusal to take no for an answer?
Why are you getting defensive?
Is there more to this story regarding the 2 of you that you are not telling us?
Last edited by snugglegirl05; 05-21-2017 at 09:52 PM..
I have just gotten home from college about a week ago, and I have a friend I used to work with who asks me to hang out with him and his girlfriend every single day. I go most days because they are fun people and I genuinely love hanging out with them, and we are going on a cruise in July, but when I either can't or don't want to go, he continues to persist until I either give in or stop answering. For example, this was the conversation last night.
Him: Are you busy tonight?
Me: Yeah I am, sorry.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Hanging out with John (my friend from high school).
Him: What time and for how long?
Me: Pretty soon and until 11 because he has to get up at 5 tomorrow). I was lying here so he wouldn't persist).
Him: Why don't we all hang out later then?
Me: We can't because John has to get up early.
Him: You're hanging with him until 11. Why can't we hang out with you also?
Me: Because his parents want us to stay home.
Him: Ok.
He does this all other days too that I can't or don't want to hang out. It doesn't matter if I have plans already. He just insists that I meet up with him and his girlfriend (who I am also friends with) either before or after the other event, no matter how early or late it is. To make matters worse, he was about to text me again last night to hang out after I left my other friend's house at 11, but his girlfriend told him to leave me alone. At that point I would've shut my phone off. Is there any way I can approach this with him if it happens again (which I'm sure it will), or should I just not answer when I can't or don't want to hang out. I don't want to hang out with him and his girlfriend, or any person, every single day. I'd just get tired of it. He is very sensitive as well. And part of the reason I haven't said anything yet is because I like having the option if I do want to go.
If you actually really love hanging out with him and want to remain friends - step 1 is figuring out whether that is true and you say it is, then be an adult and tell him that sometimes you like having specific plans with specific people. Including specific plans with him. That the insistence of hanging out in a big crowd all the time isn't what you prefer but that you want to remain friends. Then later when he gets clingy you can make a joke of it. I know its hard and feels confrontational. Learning the lesson that open honest communication is the only way to maintain relationships is an important one and like most important things doesn't come easy.
Essentially you have a person who likes his relationships close and inclusive all the time. There are a lot of people who really hate being alone. He is I want to be in a big puppy pile all the time and I want all your friends to be part of it, the bigger the better. You are not. There isn't anything wrong with either way other than it doesn't work for everyone. That doesn't mean you can't be friends. You need to realize who he is and he needs to realize who you are and you both try to accomodate each other. Talk about it!
All these people here who call others toxic and then ghost people are very immature and exhibiting toxic behavior themselves. Be kind, be honest, stay non confrontational. If they get upset say I'm sorry I upset you, take some time to think about it, I hope you call.
You don't want to go through life causing other people hurt feelings, insecurities. Seeing people that you have to hide from or ignore. Doesn't mean you have to be a doormat either but you don't have to be cold distant or whatever either. Take care of it up front honestly and it will work out one way or another. At the very least, if you don't remain friends, they will at some point mentally and emotionally feel good about your honesty and you will have a reputation for being an honest decent guy.
This is a good life lesson in learning how to set boundaries. He's a good friend, and understandably you don't want to hurt his feelings, but it sounds like his girlfriend has also twigged to the idea that he's being a little too demanding, when she told him to "lay off".
You don't owe this guy your minute-by-minute itinerary. Just laugh and say, "No, don't plan on me tonight, I'll give you a call if anything changes." If he persists, you can kiddingly say, "Hey, (friend), even my mother doesn't ask me this many questions!"
I agree to ignoring detailed questioning. Once you say you already have plans, just don't answer any more about that. He will learn to stop asking after being informed you are booked.
For example, this was the conversation last night.
Him: Are you busy tonight?
Me: Yeah I am, sorry.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Hanging out with John (my friend from high school).
Him: What time and for how long?
This is where you should have ended the conversation:
"Stop it. I said no, I can't go out tonight. Talk to you later."
*hang up*
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