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Stop buying these people lunches....Don't buy friendships....it gives people who are prone to being jerks the opportunity to use you.
The fact that these co-workers were discussing socializing, while you were setting there seems mean....I think you may be the type that has given too much already. I feel like you're likely spending too much time trying to get along with people that do not deserve your friendship....And, as far as work goes, they should be trying just as hard to meet you halfway to make your workplace effective.
But, to reiterate.....Stop being overly nice.....save this for true friends that you should seek out away from your work place. Find a group of like minded folks.....either volunteering, or participating in a local activity that will afford you the opportunity to meet non-work related adults.....and get to know folks who are desserving and mutually interested in you.
Agree with this.
OP, I think you need to keep in mind why you were hired - to do a job. You're not being paid a salary to make friends and socialize. Sure, it's good to get along and exchange pleasantries but buying lunch for these people is ridiculous. The "please like me" mindset in a workplace is lame; maybe people see you as needy.
Getting too close with co-workers and sharing too much personal information can and will come back to bite you.
Continue to be pleasant, but stop buying their lunch and when they plan things in your presence walk away when possible. Focus on the WORK and cultivate friendships outside the workplace.
OP: perhaps I missed reading it, but I haven't seen any mention of the age group of your coworkers v. your age. Just wondering if that may have any bearing on why they've excluded you from the after work socializing.
Otherwise, haven't anything to add other than what has already been posted.
But I don't think that either of those are necessarily terrible things to know about your coworkers. To me it's no different than knowing that a coworker is an avid photographer or is dealing with a parent with dementia. Knowing about people adds some humanity and perspective to your work relationship. One of my current coworkers is going through a rocky patch in her relationship, so we know that's why she can be a bit distracted lately.
Having a parent with dementia(and especially if you are doing the caregiving) is much different than some coworker having some "relationship" issues.
If she gets distracted that easily, well come promotion time that will be remembered.
There's a big difference between knowing your coworker is a member of a bike club on weekends vs. they're about to declare bankruptcy or in AA.
Sharing too much about personal problems can backfire on you. It can also make others uncomfortable and especially if they like to keep their private life private.
OP, I think you need to keep in mind why you were hired - to do a job. You're not being paid a salary to make friends and socialize. Sure, it's good to get along and exchange pleasantries but buying lunch for these people is ridiculous. The "please like me" mindset in a workplace is lame; maybe people see you as needy.
Getting too close with co-workers and sharing too much personal information can and will come back to bite you.
Continue to be pleasant, but stop buying their lunch and when they plan things in your presence walk away when possible. Focus on the WORK and cultivate friendships outside the workplace.
Yes, it will.
Great advice in this post.
I had a coworker who was going through a divorce but was still living in the house with her soon to be ex-husband(due to economic reasons), she said on purpose he didn't pay the electric bill. Had to give several people daily updates on her situation.
Well a higher positon opened up that she wanted, I was told one of the bosses said "she isn't even responsible enough to pay her bills on time". Guess what happpened?
Keep your private life private. A work ennvironment can be difficult enough, don't supply the ammo.
I think all of the answers so far have had wisdom in them. It is nice to have a good bond with coworkers, especially if you all are on the way up. Good relationships will sometimes pay off later. But if the relationship isn't there, that isn't a tragedy either. I think you need to NOT be buying people's lunch, unless there is something we don't know about here. I also think you can cultivate a decent working relationship during lunch. And, I also think there are better way to find friends that at work.
Your co workers do not need to know you all that well to get along. And vice versa.
So, if it is not to be, try to let go of hurt feelings, and find you a social life outside of work. Do your job, make your boss look good, be kind to people around you and you will do fine.
Going out for drinks after work is not a good idea with coworkers.
People start talking about their personal business(their bad marriage, their adult child with the drug problem), they start to talk too much with a few drinks in them. On Monday they remember they told you too much and you could be viewed as a threat. They told you too much, or they may start pressing you for your details.
You must have some friends, socialize with them.
LOL!! I have been doing that for most of my career. If your job is the type where you work in teams (I am - technology) it is critical that the team is cohesive and has good communication and a sense of camaraderie. When staff members genuinely like each other, their work on team-based projects improves greatly. I consider my co-workers as personal friends as well. It has been this way in every job I have had. In fact most of the friends that I do have, started as someone that I worked with.
Jeeze people- getting together after work once in awhile with work colleagues for a couple drinks is no big deal. I've done it 100's of times over the course of my life, and literally nothing weird has happened.
Agreed and same here. We're a lot happier at work than the ones that insist on the having business only stick up thier butts.
I'm polite to people I work with, but don't socialize with them after work. I see them enough @ work that I don't want or need to deal with them after hours. I also agree that things can be said "when you let you hair down" that later can be used against you. No thanks. Also, there are a number of my co-workers that I can't stand. I'd hate to have to see them outside of work.
I have had co-workers "spill their guts" to others, and it's really TMI - no one needs to know all of your personal business @ work.
I also hate forced socialization @ work, i.e. Christmas parties, lunches, etc. I go to work to work, not to socialize. If someone doesn't like that, tough!
Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 05-30-2017 at 07:36 PM..
I think I go above and beyond to get along with coworkers. Sometimes I even buy them lunch at work. So then, it seems all my coworkers are always doing things together and socializing after work. However I never am invited. Like today, a few of my coworkers were talking about going for drinks after work and I was in the room with them like but it felt like I wasn't even there. I do try to get along with my co workers, but they don't seem to like me or want to socialize with me. There is one woman at work that will ask me to do something with her or make plans, but then cancel them when the day comes. I know I'm not a social butterfly, but it still stings a little.
The same here...though I don't go above and beyond,but I will make some sort of an effort to interact. However I'm discovering that,where I've been working anyway,that it's pretty much like high school...everyone gets on their teams and cliques and the rest of us are just random outsiders.
Some may say well don't worry about it just do your job,but obviously what others think of you at work can cause stress if you're not in with the right people...
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