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Old 05-31-2017, 08:33 PM
 
11,678 posts, read 14,369,272 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Big Lebowski Dude View Post
Agree wholeheartedly. Even now, every few years I will make a point of "cutting ties" with people, and moving on.
By "cutting ties" I don't mean to give the impression that I throw people overboard just because. There's an ebb and flow in most friendships; I simply don't fight it if it's ebbing. I tend to be more emotionally unavailable than most, especially women, so it's not difficult for me.

 
Old 05-31-2017, 09:22 PM
 
2,502 posts, read 1,533,889 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
Wait, so you deliberately cut ties with your friends every few years? To me, unless I'm reading it wrong, that's very sad.

It's one thing to move on if you don't feel a connection with your friend anymore, or your interests completely differ now, but to do so every few years because you feel you have to is just very odd.
Nothing sad about it. I feel great after ending a so-called "friendship" - like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And, it's a natural process. If I get to know someone for too long, it's inevitable that they'll say or do something to pi$$ me off eventually - and that'll be it. I also get bored easily, and don't see the point in staying in a friendship if it's not doing either of us any good. I will not put up with any form of B.S. in my personal life.

From the types of posts on this forum, that's better than what a lot of people on here do - i.e., stay in "friendships" out of a misplaced sense of "obligation" or just "because they've known someone for years" - despite the fact that the "friendship" has become toxic and/or the person is only in it to use them. There are more posts on here re: wanting advice on whether or not to "break up" with a friend than there are in a the relationship forum re: whether or not to break up with a spouse/SO.

Last edited by The Big Lebowski Dude; 05-31-2017 at 09:34 PM..
 
Old 05-31-2017, 09:36 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,807 posts, read 2,187,000 times
Reputation: 4833
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Big Lebowski Dude View Post
Nothing sad about it. I feel great after ending a so-called "friendship" - like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And, it's a natural process. If I get to know someone for too long, it's inevitable that they'll say or do something to pi$$ me off eventually - and that'll be it. I also get bored easily, and don't see the point in staying in a friendship if it's not doing either of us any good. I will not put up with any form of B.S. in my personal life.

From the types of posts on this forum, that's better than what a lot of people on here do - i.e., stay in "friendships" out of a misplaced sense of "obligation" or just "because they've known someone for years" - despite the fact that the "friendship" has become toxic and/or the person is only in it to use them. There are more posts on here re: wanting advice on whether or not to "break up" with a friend than there are in a the relationship forum re: whether or not to break up with a spouse/SO.
Okay, lol, so you end a friendship that has no issues because they "might" pi$$ you off in the future? Yeah, call it what you want, but that is sad.

Also, sometimes, disagreements and what not may happen with friendships (no different than with a significant other).

With your attitude, just don't be shocked if/when you eventually want friends down the line, but you ended up pushing them all way because of misguided notion that they'll pi$$ you off, or that you got bored and didn't want to deal with it, etc.

Now, if it's clearly not a friendship in your case because the other person is using you, has become toxic, etc. That's something else entirely, and I would most likely agree with ending it. I wouldn't disagree with you there. Those kinds of friendships I stick away from, end it, or don't even enter in the first place if I quickly suspect it.
 
Old 05-31-2017, 10:30 PM
 
2,502 posts, read 1,533,889 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
Okay, lol, so you end a friendship that has no issues because they "might" pi$$ you off in the future? Yeah, call it what you want, but that is sad.

Also, sometimes, disagreements and what not may happen with friendships (no different than with a significant other).

With your attitude, just don't be shocked if/when you eventually want friends down the line, but you ended up pushing them all way because of misguided notion that they'll pi$$ you off, or that you got bored and didn't want to deal with it, etc.

Now, if it's clearly not a friendship in your case because the other person is using you, has become toxic, etc. That's something else entirely, and I would most likely agree with ending it. I wouldn't disagree with you there. Those kinds of friendships I stick away from, end it, or don't even enter in the first place if I quickly suspect it.
I never said I ended friendships that had no issues - all the ones I ended had issues. Again, nothing sad about this. What's sad is people who let their "friends" walk all over them.

I have to deal with a-holes at work every day. I will NOT deal with them in my personal life. I don't tolerate any kind of crap from anyone. Obviously, a lot of people will put up with others taking advantage of them because they want to keep the "friendship" going - those people are suckers.
 
Old 05-31-2017, 10:35 PM
 
Location: coastlines
372 posts, read 407,176 times
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I think early attachment issues can impact our capacity for friendships, especially over distance.

It's really disappointing.

Kind of like, out of sight, out of mind.
 
Old 05-31-2017, 11:37 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,807 posts, read 2,187,000 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Big Lebowski Dude View Post
I never said I ended friendships that had no issues - all the ones I ended had issues. Again, nothing sad about this. What's sad is people who let their "friends" walk all over them.

I have to deal with a-holes at work every day. I will NOT deal with them in my personal life. I don't tolerate any kind of crap from anyone. Obviously, a lot of people will put up with others taking advantage of them because they want to keep the "friendship" going - those people are suckers.
If that's the case, then no arguments or disagreements from me. And yeah, lots of people deal with broken or dysfunctional friendships because they don't want to be alone, or because they feel invested in them after so many years.
 
Old 06-01-2017, 02:09 AM
 
212 posts, read 96,746 times
Reputation: 227
In my experience...
Could be 1 of 3 things-
1. Life changes after school is done. It's sad but once you are in the working world, it sucks and you have responsibilities. It's like the time for being fun, carefree, and everything about your friends is over. I sort of wish that I had a "wild" time in my 20s. I was too shy in my 20s, low self esteem, and just wanted to get good grades lol. Now that I'm my 30s, I sort of feel stupid trying to act like I'm 22 and 23.

2. You just grew a part. It happens and it is natural.


3. She may not value friendship as much as you do. That's not a reflection off you though. This may sound awful but I'm someone who only has a couple of friends. We hardly speak and I like that lol. In my free time, I like being alone 90% of the time. Yeah it's sad when that 10% of time I may not have anyone, but I brush it off and just do other things.
 
Old 06-01-2017, 04:45 PM
 
14,377 posts, read 17,235,850 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsinSnow View Post
You just grew a part. It happens and it is natural.
Which body part do you believe that he grew?
Regeneration of body parts doesn't usually work very well with humans.
 
Old 06-05-2017, 07:15 AM
 
3,758 posts, read 3,482,711 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Big Lebowski Dude View Post
I never said I ended friendships that had no issues - all the ones I ended had issues. Again, nothing sad about this. What's sad is people who let their "friends" walk all over them.

I have to deal with a-holes at work every day. I will NOT deal with them in my personal life. I don't tolerate any kind of crap from anyone. Obviously, a lot of people will put up with others taking advantage of them because they want to keep the "friendship" going - those people are suckers.
I understand your sentiment, but sometimes friends have fights and disagreements. Then they make up. That's how friendship works. Like marriage, it's not about total peaceful harmony at all times, but about being resilient and forgiving toward people whom we value and want to keep in our lives.

That said I do agree that some people are such high maintenance that it's just not worth it, and cutting them off brings a sense of relief.
 
Old 06-05-2017, 08:14 AM
 
Location: Crook County, Illinois
3,453 posts, read 1,565,182 times
Reputation: 4334
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsinSnow View Post
1. Life changes after school is done. It's sad but once you are in the working world, it sucks and you have responsibilities. It's like the time for being fun, carefree, and everything about your friends is over. I sort of wish that I had a "wild" time in my 20s. I was too shy in my 20s, low self esteem, and just wanted to get good grades lol. Now that I'm my 30s, I sort of feel stupid trying to act like I'm 22 and 23.
Story of my life! I, too, was shy and socially awkward during my socially acceptable party years (early 20's). Which didn't allow me to do much partying. Whenever I pushed myself to go out to clubs, "because it's normal", more often than not, I hated it. (And the friends I had at the time didn't care.) Fast-forward 10 years. Now, all my long-time friends settled down and stopped going out, except for romantic dinners with their SO's. I continue to maintain the friendships by hanging out at home occasionally, and celebrating birthdays. But the bulk of my fun nights out shifted over to Meetup groups, where trivia nights in a bar, hours-long sports games in a city park, drunken New Year celebrations, and even relatively sedate board games nights, are the norm well into one's 30's. A few of my Meetup friendships have gone "organic", but most are primarily through the groups.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts View Post
I understand your sentiment, but sometimes friends have fights and disagreements. Then they make up. That's how friendship works. Like marriage, it's not about total peaceful harmony at all times, but about being resilient and forgiving toward people whom we value and want to keep in our lives.
I kind of like the bank account analogy I've seen used for describing friendships. You make a deposit to the "bank account" when you: (1) go through shared experiences or shared emotions, (2) perform a sincere gesture of goodwill, or (3) come through in a time of need. You make a withdrawal from the "bank account" when you: (1) say something insensitive or insulting, (2) go against a friend's wishes, or (3) damage a friend's property. What you have in the end is the balance. A friendship can be sustained well enough as long as the "balance" doesn't run too low. Now, the "deposits" and "withdrawals" include, but aren't limited to the above actions. They also don't mean that doing nice things for a friend gives you a license to be a jerk later on. Frequency, severity, and intent are a huge part of it.
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