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Old 06-05-2017, 12:31 PM
 
156 posts, read 438,242 times
Reputation: 183

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My parents own a piece of property in a rural area. Over the years, we have buried several pets there. These were outside only pets that came to us as strays. I created a small graveyard for the last five pets as I wasn't involved in the burial of the ones before that. I don't even know where they've been buried. There's no markings for any of them.

My father is the one that helped start the graveyard. I have small rocks outlining where each pet is buried, and today he was digging them up! I went out to say something to him as politely as I could considering I was very upset. He got mad and said he wanted to "tidy up." I'm not opposed to that, but I told him he should've said something to me first. He also said he didn't want those small rocks there (the ones outlining where each pet is buried). I told him what they were for and he got madder. He had a temper tantrum and picked up the small fence around the graveyard and threw it. At one point I was so upset I considered grabbing his arm and begging him to stop, but he probably would've hit me thinking I was attacking him.

He said the animals were dead and they don't care. I told him that I care and that those markers tell me where I have room to bury another animal. I was saving a spot for a daughter, I just buried the mother four months ago.

I know my father doesn't care about dead people or animals or their grave sites. I think he did a long time ago before he started suffering from mental illness. Now he doesn't care about anything and seems to have control issues.

I remember about 20 years ago when I was a young teenager, my father was using his tractor to clear some trees. In the process, he dug up and destroyed the grave site of up my mother's dog that I grew up with. That has always stuck with me. She was the sweetest dog and he just treated her remains like it was nothing. He's the one that buried her there and put a headstone there. Because of that, I prefer to have all my pets cremated, but it's so expensive at $400 minimum. I worry what will happen when my parents sell their property. It bothers me when I think of it.

It bothers me that human cemeteries are dug up and moved. There was a cemetery in the county where I live that was completely dug up and moved so a school could be built there. I think that's horrible. I don't trust the workers to put the caskets with the correct headstones. I would never bury my pets in a pet cemetery because one day they will probably be destroyed for land - they're not regulated like human cemeteries.

I know my mom cares about the graveyard I made. Those are her pets too. She owns the property just as much as my father does - 50/50. To me, those pets are my family. They mean more to me then my father ever did. My pets never treated me like crap. They loved me and I loved them.

Am I wrong in thinking my father is being a total prick about this? Just because he doesn't care about the graveyard doesn't mean that my feelings don't matter. If he can't respect my feelings, then he has no right to call himself my father. My mom only puts up with him because of money and because she feels sorry that he developed a mental illness.

Does anyone have anything I could say to him to get him to realize that he's being selfish and unfair? I don't want something that will make him mad.
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Old 06-05-2017, 01:19 PM
 
Location: South Florida
5,016 posts, read 7,420,342 times
Reputation: 5446
It sounds like he's got something heavy on his mind.
I'm sorry he upset you with what he did... but maybe put that aside and ask your dad what's going on?
It may be something you're totally unaware of that he's really upset about.
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Old 06-05-2017, 01:52 PM
 
16,715 posts, read 19,358,105 times
Reputation: 41482
Quote:
Originally Posted by mej1 View Post
Does anyone have anything I could say to him to get him to realize that he's being selfish and unfair? I don't want something that will make him mad.
It's not your property to tell him what to do with; that's the bottom line here. Perhaps offer to buy him out of that plot.
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Old 06-05-2017, 03:26 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,662,335 times
Reputation: 54735
How old are you honey? You will find that as you mature into adulthood, hanging onto childhood just stops being so important. Small things like this will pass as your life becomes more full and more fulfilling.
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Old 06-05-2017, 03:34 PM
 
15,546 posts, read 11,971,143 times
Reputation: 32595
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
How old are you honey? You will find that as you mature into adulthood, hanging onto childhood just stops being so important. Small things like this will pass as your life becomes more full and more fulfilling.
The OP said 20 years ago she was a teenager, so I guess she must be in her late 30s.
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Old 06-05-2017, 03:40 PM
 
7,743 posts, read 15,839,592 times
Reputation: 10451
Quote:
Originally Posted by mej1 View Post
My parents own a piece of property in a rural area. Over the years, we have buried several pets there. These were outside only pets that came to us as strays. I created a small graveyard for the last five pets as I wasn't involved in the burial of the ones before that. I don't even know where they've been buried. There's no markings for any of them.

My father is the one that helped start the graveyard. I have small rocks outlining where each pet is buried, and today he was digging them up! I went out to say something to him as politely as I could considering I was very upset. He got mad and said he wanted to "tidy up." I'm not opposed to that, but I told him he should've said something to me first. He also said he didn't want those small rocks there (the ones outlining where each pet is buried). I told him what they were for and he got madder. He had a temper tantrum and picked up the small fence around the graveyard and threw it. At one point I was so upset I considered grabbing his arm and begging him to stop, but he probably would've hit me thinking I was attacking him.

He said the animals were dead and they don't care. I told him that I care and that those markers tell me where I have room to bury another animal. I was saving a spot for a daughter, I just buried the mother four months ago.

I know my father doesn't care about dead people or animals or their grave sites. I think he did a long time ago before he started suffering from mental illness. Now he doesn't care about anything and seems to have control issues.

I remember about 20 years ago when I was a young teenager, my father was using his tractor to clear some trees. In the process, he dug up and destroyed the grave site of up my mother's dog that I grew up with. That has always stuck with me. She was the sweetest dog and he just treated her remains like it was nothing. He's the one that buried her there and put a headstone there. Because of that, I prefer to have all my pets cremated, but it's so expensive at $400 minimum. I worry what will happen when my parents sell their property. It bothers me when I think of it.

It bothers me that human cemeteries are dug up and moved. There was a cemetery in the county where I live that was completely dug up and moved so a school could be built there. I think that's horrible. I don't trust the workers to put the caskets with the correct headstones. I would never bury my pets in a pet cemetery because one day they will probably be destroyed for land - they're not regulated like human cemeteries.

I know my mom cares about the graveyard I made. Those are her pets too. She owns the property just as much as my father does - 50/50. To me, those pets are my family. They mean more to me then my father ever did. My pets never treated me like crap. They loved me and I loved them.

Am I wrong in thinking my father is being a total prick about this? Just because he doesn't care about the graveyard doesn't mean that my feelings don't matter. If he can't respect my feelings, then he has no right to call himself my father. My mom only puts up with him because of money and because she feels sorry that he developed a mental illness.

Does anyone have anything I could say to him to get him to realize that he's being selfish and unfair? I don't want something that will make him mad.
Is your father's mental illness being treated?

I agree that bottom line, it's his property and he can do whatever he wants. It also sounds like your mother doesn't stand her ground on this. Your feelings doesn't supersede any of that.

If you're looking to justify casting out your father, you do not need other people's approval-- you'll just have to decide if it's worth it/matters that much to you.
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Old 06-05-2017, 03:53 PM
 
156 posts, read 438,242 times
Reputation: 183
I want to point out that my MOM feels the same as I do. I mentioned that in my original post. My father treats her the same way. It's her property too. They're her pets too. What about her? So he gets to do whatever he wants and her feelings don't matter either?
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Old 06-05-2017, 04:06 PM
 
7,743 posts, read 15,839,592 times
Reputation: 10451
Quote:
Originally Posted by mej1 View Post
I want to point out that my MOM feels the same as I do. I mentioned that in my original post. My father treats her the same way. It's her property too. They're her pets too. What about her? So he gets to do whatever he wants and her feelings don't matter either?
You also said she's only staying with him because of money and the fact that she feels sorry about his mental illness. So I guess those are the two things she prioritizes over the Pet Cemetery. You do not need to get involve in your parents' marriage nor try to fight your mother's "battles". If you think they have a unhealthy marriage, most you can do is suggest is counseling. Both marriage and personal.
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Old 06-05-2017, 04:08 PM
 
12,003 posts, read 11,854,088 times
Reputation: 22684
If your father's mental illness is bipolar disorder, he may be heading into a manic phase, particularly as he was involved in creating the pet cemetery and his recent behavior seems out of character and he is apparently immune to the distressing effects of his behavior on you and your mother. I am sorry for your pain over this, but a call to his doctor might be in order, as the mania may escalate to the point of endangering himself or others.

Take good care of yourself - ditto for your mother. From now on, consider cremation for your pets, with a small pretty box or urn you can keep for their remains. You can bury their ashes later on...

If you're not already familiar with it, check out the legend of the Rainbow Bridge online. It may bring you some comfort.
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Old 06-05-2017, 04:14 PM
 
7,274 posts, read 5,263,213 times
Reputation: 11476
I don't care what your age is. Pets are special, living creatures. I would be upset too. I mean no offense, but your Dad is a d*ck....not including any effects of his mental illness. If it was me who wanted to "clean-up" the area (and again, with no mental illness), I would have told you AND would have proposed a site to move the pet graveyard (I know, not the best solution), and been careful and respectful in the process. I know exactly where our bunnies and guinea pigs are buried and would never do anything to them without care.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It stinks.
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