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Old 06-13-2017, 02:59 PM
 
2,359 posts, read 1,194,164 times
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Doesn't anyone have a role that they sometimes slip into? I know that when I used to visit my mother with my sister, we both found ourselves back in the same family roles we had as kids, whether or not we liked it. We had to constantly remind one another that we are adults, things have changed, etc.

These friends definitely each have a role in the group. One is the tastemaker for whom nothing is ever good enough, the other sees himself as the life of the party, never growing up and the third is socially awkward and angry. My partner worked hard to leave where he grew up and is likable, successful and moves easily through the world. In this group, however, he gets shouted down for being this way. He has to prove he is "just like them" and that he's not left because he "thinks he's better." That is the dynamic. I have seen it time and time again. The more evidence there is that he has moved in a different direction, the more goading and bullying, the more drinking and egging on. He's trying to prove he still is "one of them." But he just isn't.

When our daughter passed, I understood wanting to regress and wallow in that energy for a time. But we have accomplished a lot, healed a lot, since then, I thought. This seems like the "crabs in a barrel" mentality and they keep wanting to pull him back. No idea why he lets them.
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Old 06-13-2017, 03:05 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
11,043 posts, read 3,956,581 times
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WOW, sounds like a bunch of winners! How old is your partner if you don't mind me asking? At some point your partner and his friends need to grow up! Even if your partner acts like that once a year, it's once a year too much if they are wrecking vehicles and such which could put their lives in danger! Seriously! My husband had a few friends like this. I didn't forbid him to see them, but I made it clear I didn't like them. As soon as my husband turned 31, he had no interest in seeing these guys anymore. It's like a lightbulb went off and he realized that he had grown up and they never did!

With that said.......I have to say I'm assuming your not married since you said partner, correct? That means you can voice your opinion which he/she should honor since you've been together so long, but if you're not married then one can say that technically he/she can do what they want. Well, I guess that's true regardless, but there's no legal commitment is what I'm saying and they can walk at any time. DO you get what I'm saying? One could tell you to go fly a kite if one want's. It's a hard predicament you're in and I'd be careful throwing out any ultimatums, BUT......... if they are going to act like a childish idiot then it might be something you have to do. Just proceed with caution!

Last edited by CGab; 06-13-2017 at 03:19 PM..
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Old 06-13-2017, 03:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CGab View Post
WOW, sounds like a bunch of winners! How old is your partner if you don't mind me asking? At some point your partner and his friends need to grow up! Even if your partner acts like that once a year, it's once a year too much if they are wrecking vehicles and such which could put their lives in danger! Seriously!


With that said.......I have to say I'm assuming your not married since you said partner, correct? That means you can voice your opinion which he/she should honor since you've been together so long, but if you're not married then one can say that technically he/she can do what they want. Well, I guess that's true regardless, but there's no legal commitment is what I'm saying and they can walk at any time. DO you get what I'm saying? One could tell you to go fly a kite if one want's. It's a hard predicament you're in and I'd be careful throwing out any ultimatums, BUT......... if they are going to act like a childish idiot then it might be something you have to do. Just proceed with caution!
They are all 35-37-- not kids at all.

We are not married. Yes, either of us could walk. But we have been together for over ten years and raised a child. We own property together, have joint business ventures and our state considers us married via common law. I am not sure how I follow that being married makes someone more prone to courtesy, haha.

I am not throwing out ultimatums. I honestly think these relationships are toxic. I think these PEOPLE are toxic. He can decide if he wants to keep poisoning his future on his own. They just won't be doing it around me.
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Old 06-13-2017, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
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Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
They are all 35-37-- not kids at all.

We are not married. Yes, either of us could walk. But we have been together for over ten years and raised a child. We own property together, have joint business ventures and our state considers us married via common law. I am not sure how I follow that being married makes someone more prone to courtesy, haha.

I am not throwing out ultimatums. I honestly think these relationships are toxic. I think these PEOPLE are toxic. He can decide if he wants to keep poisoning his future on his own. They just won't be doing it around me.
Ok, yes time to let those friendships go! Too old for that crap! And I knew I remembered your name for some reason as I just saw another thread of yours.......Congrats on your baby!!


Tell him you honor his friendships, but he needs to make better choices now. Too much at stake for acting like a goof!


As a side note....it doesn't matter if you're married or not I was just wondering. Even someone that's married could walk away, but it's easier if you're not. I was just stating that if you were thinking of giving him an ultimatum.

Last edited by CGab; 06-13-2017 at 03:33 PM..
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Old 06-13-2017, 03:31 PM
 
2,359 posts, read 1,194,164 times
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Originally Posted by CGab View Post
Ok, yes time to let those friendships go! Too old for that crap! And I knew I remembered your name for some reason as I just saw another thread of yours.......Congrats on your baby!!


Tell him you honor his friendships, but he needs to make better choices now. Too much at stake for acting like a goof!
Thank you! We are very excited. Taking it one step at a time.

I just know how these people acted around our daughter. And what nonexistent support they offered when she passed away. That was it for me. I can put up with not liking you, your snide comments and BS, but when you fail to acknowledge the death of a CHILD of one of your "best bros" after an absolutely horrifying ordeal with a rare form of leukemia, you are permanently off my "deserves to breathe air" list. The excuse for this? "It was too much of a bummer man. None of us have kids and its totally random that yours died. Maybe you shouldn't have had one."

So yeah, I wasn't thrilled when he started hanging out with them again, but I understood that he needed to revisit some of his past. It was a weird time and a very hard one. I figured he would see them for what they are. But he seems not to be able to.
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Old 06-13-2017, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Saint John, IN
11,043 posts, read 3,956,581 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
Thank you! We are very excited. Taking it one step at a time.

I just know how these people acted around our daughter. And what nonexistent support they offered when she passed away. That was it for me. I can put up with not liking you, your snide comments and BS, but when you fail to acknowledge the death of a CHILD of one of your "best bros" after an absolutely horrifying ordeal with a rare form of leukemia, you are permanently off my "deserves to breathe air" list. The excuse for this? "It was too much of a bummer man. None of us have kids and its totally random that yours died. Maybe you shouldn't have had one."

So yeah, I wasn't thrilled when he started hanging out with them again, but I understood that he needed to revisit some of his past. It was a weird time and a very hard one. I figured he would see them for what they are. But he seems not to be able to.


I'm sorry about your daughter! I can't imagine the pain (I have 2 girls myself). If these guys weren't even there for him during his time of need, then screw them! They're only partying buddy's.
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Old 06-13-2017, 04:43 PM
 
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OP, the problem is your partner, not the friends.

You said "He can decide if he wants to keep poisoning his future on his own. They just won't be doing it around me."

But he IS doing around you. The calling you to bail him out of jail for example. The missing meetings, which could potentially affect your business deals and finances. Etc Etc.

Besides that, you said you think he got back in with these guys to deal with the stress of losing a daughter. What happens when something else devastating and stressful happens in the future? Because over a lifetime there most certainly will be new stressors. What if you guys become financially ruined? What if you or he or the new child gets sick and he "needs a way to deal" with it? Is this behavior going to continue?

I know its easy to blame the other people, but from your description of what your partner has done, it sounds like he is the one you should be mad at.
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Old 06-13-2017, 04:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
I am not insecure about it and have been vocal. But then I get the "I have known these people since childhood and you shouldn't ask me to end those relationships. That is controlling." I have said I don't want them in my house and so far they have not come since I have drawn that line in the sand. But the talk of a visit has started up again. We are moving to a new place that has more room, so I am sure that my SO thinks this means we will be able to host them.
Your response to the above, which by the way is him controlling you, "And it is inappropriate and passive aggressive for you to allow them to abuse your SO. Their abuse of who you chose reflects their lack of concern and respect for you."

Funny thing is he should be saying to them what he's saying to you when they criticize you.
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Old 06-13-2017, 07:58 PM
 
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They're fun chuckleheads. If you feel secure enough, take a "me-time" trip and get lost. (put away the breakables)

Who cares why, really? They've always been friends. Those are the best kind!
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Old 06-13-2017, 08:15 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,725,371 times
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Comic relief

Glad he has the life he has and these guys remind him of that

He's not in the closet about who he is and they make him thankful for that

He's known them forever. Just because you're partners doesn't mean you have to have the same friends. You don't see them often. Start being busy and let the boys go play unsupervised. Problem solved!
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