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Yes, you and OP do fail to see how one person staying up can disrupt their lives. But nonetheless it is a fact and they have stated as much.
And yes it is rampant in America so as they say when in Rome do as the Romans do, when at home do as your parents do.
It doesn't really matter what you and OP think or understand, it's their house and it's their rules. Simple.
This is indicative of entitled "kids" who are adults and feel they can do whatever they think is right in their own eyes without considering whose home they are living in, rent free. Comply or leave.
Militant regimes no longer work in a residence when each is an Adult.
It was Never "my house, My rules", It was and continues to be- OUR HOME, Your view points matter. Contribute, and discuss.
The OP is clearly trying to find a middle ground that is so lopsided.
After making a mid career change by going back to school, I've spent the past month job hunting and my applications have been getting some positive feedback, mostly with phone screens and a couple of invitations to face to face (F2F) interviews. I had to decline one F2F interview as the hourly salary they were paying was too low and relocation assistance was not provided, while housing, car and food expenses were too high. I'm awaiting a response from another F2F interviewer about the salary range they're offering since it wasn't in the ad and there was no phone interview where I could have asked. While a third F2F interview depends on me passing some certification exams.
Back to the subject of this thread. I've been living in my parents' spare bedroom for the past month in what was supposed to be a temporary situation until I get back on my feet. There's been some tension, namely:
Whenever I tell my dad about contacts with potential employers, he rudely interrupts and says I write too much, talk too much..have bad time management, etc.. annoying
I've heard my dad bash me to my mom behind my back
Dad is insisting I tell him how much a potential employer is offering (salary)- I think it's none of his business and declined to give a number ...then he got mad. It's not like I ask him how much his pension or former job paid
Dad often rants about various things and when I brought it up to my mom, she defended him and said arguing was normal (oh really?)
Dad actually checks what I am doing during the daytime when I'm on my PC and asks if I've finished various tasks that he feels are important and if I don't answer with the progress of exact task he "assigned" me to do during my job hunt, he gets mad. Who is he to tell me what to do?
I feel he's being controlling and then getting bent out of shape when I don't "comply". He's acting like he's the boss and I'm his subordinate.
Both mom and dad complain about what time I get up and go to bed. It's lights out by 10pm according to them...which is too early by my standards. It gets annoying to be treated as a child.
My dad keeps freaking out about some optional certification exams...the agency that administers them called to postpone one and frankly I haven't had much time to study. I'm focusing on job hunting primarily and getting my foot in the door. It's causing friction.
I wonder if there's any use to try and get them to see it my way, be more open minded despite the daily dose of negativity, avoid my parents as much as possible during the day or move out despite the fact that I'm unemployed with little income.
Mid career change, huh? Back to the nest... Well suggest that you find a bit of gratitude that you had "the nest" to fall back on. Pretty lucky to be able to go back home. Yes your folks are negative and controlling, but ummmmm you ARE living there, and being kinda whiney... there are 2 sides to every story.
They probably want you to quit jerking around, get your certification and get a job so you can get out there and be an adult and get on with your new career. Stop with the excuses...
Daily does of negativity... interesting.... you are living there for free and being pretty critical of them and their attempts to help you. You are still their child (um back living at home aren't you?) and they have nothing else to focus on but YOU. Cut them a break, humor them, and thank them for their help. Tell them you are doing your best and ask for some space please. Also maybe some interviewing coaching from your local unemployment office might not be a bad idea. Changing careers mid way through life is a lot of work and maybe a coach can give you some help with the interviewing process and handling questions, etc.
Dad will also ask about YOUR money. He's your Dad. He wants to guide you and help you make good decisions. You live there for free, and he sees you as his baby bird who returned to the nest. Give him the respect he is due. AND stay out of your folks bickering etc., or marriage issues or whatever is going on there. You are there temporarily at their generosity.
You are being way too sensitive and whiney about how they are treating you... so they complain about what time you get up and go to bed? Sheesh. Deal. Be quiet when you watch TV. Play by their rules a bit, let them have their way. Let it roll of your back and get on with getting a job... OH and perhaps reconsider about the "low pay" you think you are getting. You change careers midway through, starting over again, and part of that is "low pay" in many cases.
Militant regimes no longer work in a residence when each is an Adult.
It was Never "my house, My rules", It was and continues to be- OUR HOME, Your view points matter. Contribute, and discuss.
The OP is clearly trying to find a middle ground that is so lopsided.
Most Family homes respect and regard each entity.
Glad I hat works in your family but clearly that doesn't work on OPs family. As much as he wishes he could do whatever he like in his parents home, the operative word is Parents. It's not his home. Honestly, he should just go to bed at ten. Big deal. He is living free, go to bed. He is not going to have to live there forever, it's a small price to pay.
I feel very sorry for your father. Anyone who goes through life with such an attitude will not have a long life or happiness. You need to get out ASAP. Get a roommate and a part or full time job anywhere to support yourself. You will be much happier.
I don't feel sorry for the father. I know the OP is living back at home, but the father clearly has issues of his own that go way back. It is a choice how you speak to and about people. It is a choice how you behave towards others. Creating mental anguish and strife is clearly an issue of something deeper. Sure the father wants his child out of the house, but ambushing, criticizing, and basically being a jerk to his child, wife, and other people isn't helping the situation one bit.
Glad I hat works in your family but clearly that doesn't work on OPs family. As much as he wishes he could do whatever he like in his parents home, the operative word is Parents. It's not his home. Honestly, he should just go to bed at ten. Big deal. He is living free, go to bed. He is not going to have to live there forever, it's a small price to pay.
Sorry, but I disagree -- when I visit my mother, she knows that I often have to spend a couple of hours late at night (10-12) catching up on things that happened with clients, etc. while I was visiting with her during the day. I make sure there are no surprises the next day, answer questions, and leave notes and instructions for admin staff re: things that need to be taken care of. Never once has she ever said, "You must go to bed when I go to bed." Not even when I was 18 and home from college during the holiday breaks.
To me, it's disrespectful in the extreme to force another adult to adhere to your own bedtime. The OP doesn't sound like he's bringing in guests at all hours of the evening. Hopefully he's not playing music or watching TV with the volume turned up. This is another illustration of the father's attempt to exert control over the OP, another grown adult, down to when the OP has to get into bed! Certainly the OP should be contributing to the running of the household and helping out as much as possible. But this smacks of parenting an 8 year old.
Frankly, if the parents are finding this burdensome, they should be the ones saying, "Look, OP, we love you, but it's time to find other living arrangements." But they aren't -- obviously they aren't happy with the situation, but pulling this passive-aggressive b.s. of bringing empty cups to your door and freaking out over cheese has to be wearing on not only the OP, but his parents as well.
Sorry, but I disagree -- when I visit my mother, she knows that I often have to spend a couple of hours late at night (10-12) catching up on things that happened with clients, etc. while I was visiting with her during the day. I make sure there are no surprises the next day, answer questions, and leave notes and instructions for admin staff re: things that need to be taken care of. Never once has she ever said, "You must go to bed when I go to bed." Not even when I was 18 and home from college during the holiday breaks.
To me, it's disrespectful in the extreme to force another adult to adhere to your own bedtime. The OP doesn't sound like he's bringing in guests at all hours of the evening. Hopefully he's not playing music or watching TV with the volume turned up. This is another illustration of the father's attempt to exert control over the OP, another grown adult, down to when the OP has to get into bed! Certainly the OP should be contributing to the running of the household and helping out as much as possible. But this smacks of parenting an 8 year old.
Frankly, if the parents are finding this burdensome, they should be the ones saying, "Look, OP, we love you, but it's time to find other living arrangements." But they aren't -- obviously they aren't happy with the situation, but pulling this passive-aggressive b.s. of bringing empty cups to your door and freaking out over cheese has to be wearing on not only the OP, but his parents as well.
This!! These sound like parents who can't adjust to the fact that their child is now an adult; they're unable to switch from parenting mode to relating to the OP as adults to an adult. Most parents who have adult children visiting, go to bed at their usual time, and are oblivious to when visitors go to bed, and don't care. Why would they care, as long as no harm is being done and strangers aren't being invited in?
This!! These sound like parents who can't adjust to the fact that their child is now an adult; they're unable to switch from parenting mode to relating to the OP as adults to an adult. Most parents who have adult children visiting, go to bed at their usual time, and are oblivious to when visitors go to bed, and don't care. Why would they care, as long as no harm is being done and strangers aren't being invited in?
It doesn't matter whether they are good parents or not. That's not the big picture, it's a distraction from the original narrative.
The fact is, the OP has injected himself into their life. His choice. He could leave at any time, but he chooses not to do so. We are debating parenting skills based upon the rather prejudice view from the OP and the message has been lost.
We still don't know from the OP why he feels he doesn't have enough time to pursue certifications and improve the possibility of getting a good job. What we do know is that there are plenty of excuses why he hasn't been able to find a job yet. Take those last two sentences together and we have a conundrum.
If the OP was really that unhappy, we would expect he would be doing everything within his power to get out and make his own way. But the fact is, he has a pretty sweet deal, right now, even if the parents seem to be spoiling things a bit by not being the pushovers they were when he was in high school.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,737,988 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by reds37win
It doesn't matter whether they are good parents or not. That's not the big picture, it's a distraction from the original narrative.
The fact is, the OP has injected himself into their life. His choice. He could leave at any time, but he chooses not to do so. We are debating parenting skills based upon the rather prejudice view from the OP and the message has been lost.
We still don't know from the OP why he feels he doesn't have enough time to pursue certifications and improve the possibility of getting a good job. What we do know is that there are plenty of excuses why he hasn't been able to find a job yet. Take those last two sentences together and we have a conundrum.
If the OP was really that unhappy, we would expect he would be doing everything within his power to get out and make his own way. But the fact is, he has a pretty sweet deal, right now, even if the parents seem to be spoiling things a bit by not being the pushovers they were when he was in high school.
The parents allowed the OP to stay and if he is that much of a problem, they can kick him out at any time. Again, I don't see the parents as blameless victims who should be conceded without question to like so many here.
The parents allowed the OP to stay and if he is that much of a problem, they can kick him out at any time. Again, I don't see the parents as blameless victims who should be conceded without question to like so many here.
That has no bearing on the overriding issue. It doesn't matter if the parents are the relatives of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the OP is the one who chooses to remain in that atmosphere.
Exactly what choices are available to him? Put up and shut up or move out. That seems pretty plain. And yet, the OP has chosen not to take the steps necessary to speed his departure.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,737,988 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye
Glad I hat works in your family but clearly that doesn't work on OPs family. As much as he wishes he could do whatever he like in his parents home, the operative word is Parents. It's not his home. Honestly, he should just go to bed at ten. Big deal. He is living free, go to bed. He is not going to have to live there forever, it's a small price to pay.
The bedtime thing is just controlling and no reasonable adult would insist on it unless the OP was making excessive noise. My mom is pretty controlling herself and even she doesn't get on my a&% about what time to sleep when I visit her.
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