Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yeah, it's very tempting to really let my mind rip and indeed, tell her to f**k off. But a part of me does think what would even hurt them more is by not responding at all. Acting like they don't exist just like they acted like I didn't exist for all these years. I feel like letting them know that I'm still angry and upset over what happened, will give them a little victory. That's the logical part of me. The impulsive part is all for letting it rip.
This.
Write the letter for your impulsive side. Vent everything. Then burn it, while enjoying a nice beverage of your choice.
Block her on Facebook, without any response. To respond is to let them into your life and you don't need that.
Go on with your life, secure in the knowledge that you did what was right for you and your real family.
I'm going to give a little different advice: What if your father really has cancer? I know you said the family would have known and your anger at your past treatment, is standing front and center.
I would contact your father immediately and talk to him. If he DOES have cancer, this might haunt you that you did not at least contact him to see what is going on? Forget the Mom. [She is mentioning money to help with treatment]..... (let's put her aside right now)...
Here is an honest question: What if your dad really has cancer and your (help) can keep him going longer? (whether that help is financial or emotional support)
From a very fractured-family myself, where nobody forgives anyone and everyone is carrying a big heavy grudge, and everybody thinks it's cool to stop talking to other members of the family, I am asking you to find out for sure. If you find out he does, the ball is in your court to respond at all, or arrange a visit, or EVEN helping your dad in his last moments of life, be it financially or emotionally because you were there.
It would also help you to forgive your dad. That sounds shocking but it is for YOU, not your dad. That is just for you, to take away the burden of carrying this around for 20 years.
If after all this, your family lied and your dad is just fine, it would be time to close the chapter on this book. Or you can choose to try to understand your aging father and try to partially-assemble your family again, should that be what you want. Please contact your dad. Soon.
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,487 posts, read 3,338,219 times
Reputation: 9913
Because a parent has cancer or any disease does not automatically give them a free ticket back into ones life.
I'm sorry but that doesn't mean that person will change just because they have an illness.
My mother got someone to contact me through social media. I flat out told her that I have no wish to start up a relationship with my bio mom. She insisted that my bio mom had changed and she is friends with her again.
A year later I found out that my bio mom had screwed her over again and they were no longer speaking.
Bio mom was going through breast cancer at the time. I regret Nothing.
Because a parent has cancer or any disease does not automatically give them a free ticket back into ones life.
I'm sorry but that doesn't mean that person will change just because they have an illness.
My mother got someone to contact me through social media. I flat out told her that I have no wish to start up a relationship with my bio mom. She insisted that my bio mom had changed and she is friends with her again.
A year later I found out that my bio mom had screwed her over again and they were no longer speaking.
Bio mom was going through breast cancer at the time. I regret Nothing.
This.
Amazing how many people are willing to fold for someone who abandoned them, just because they have a sob story, true or false. And yet the same people would walk past a homeless person in actual need as if they didn't exist.
'Waaaah, it's your mom and dad, nevermind that they didn't give a rat's ass about you for a few decades, send her money, you'll be sure to get into heaven that way.'
I'm going to give a little different advice: What if your father really has cancer? I know you said the family would have known and your anger at your past treatment, is standing front and center.
I would contact your father immediately and talk to him. If he DOES have cancer, this might haunt you that you did not at least contact him to see what is going on? Forget the Mom. [She is mentioning money to help with treatment]..... (let's put her aside right now)...
Here is an honest question: What if your dad really has cancer and your (help) can keep him going longer? (whether that help is financial or emotional support)
From a very fractured-family myself, where nobody forgives anyone and everyone is carrying a big heavy grudge, and everybody thinks it's cool to stop talking to other members of the family, I am asking you to find out for sure. If you find out he does, the ball is in your court to respond at all, or arrange a visit, or EVEN helping your dad in his last moments of life, be it financially or emotionally because you were there.
It would also help you to forgive your dad. That sounds shocking but it is for YOU, not your dad. That is just for you, to take away the burden of carrying this around for 20 years.
If after all this, your family lied and your dad is just fine, it would be time to close the chapter on this book. Or you can choose to try to understand your aging father and try to partially-assemble your family again, should that be what you want. Please contact your dad. Soon.
Wow, what a series of guilt trips you have cooked up. How about this...what if the parents 20 years ago had been good and wonderful people. They wouldn't be in the situation they are now expecting her to come to their rescue.
You are forgetting that the OP already verified this Dad having cancer is a scam since no one else in that family knows about it. Even so, in 2017 in the USA, people aren't being pushed out in the snow to die because they can't afford cancer treatment at a hospital. In spite of what gets reported in weird cases without the facts, you don't drive by hospitals and see people dying in the parking lot because they can't afford health care.
If they had reached out to the OP, minus the scam to see how she and her family is doing with an apology of how she has been treated by them, then you may have a case to tell her to contact them. But this isn't what is going on here, and I think it is sick to try guilt trip her into overlooking what is actually going on here.
Ah, made a mistake in the title. Was supposed to read "it's all about money."
You may want to consider that it's not your mom at all. It could be someone else who knows the story claiming to be your mom. It wouldn't be the first time.
Wow, what a series of guilt trips you have cooked up. How about this...what if the parents 20 years ago had been good and wonderful people. They wouldn't be in the situation they are now expecting her to come to their rescue.
You are forgetting that the OP already verified this Dad having cancer is a scam since no one else in that family knows about it. Even so, in 2017 in the USA, people aren't being pushed out in the snow to die because they can't afford cancer treatment at a hospital. In spite of what gets reported in weird cases without the facts, you don't drive by hospitals and see people dying in the parking lot because they can't afford health care.
If they had reached out to the OP, minus the scam to see how she and her family is doing with an apology of how she has been treated by them, then you may have a case to tell her to contact them. But this isn't what is going on here, and I think it is sick to try guilt trip her into overlooking what is actually going on here.
^Agree with you ABSOLUTELY about this! OP sees it for what it is.
Maybe, just maybe, that the contact happened at all is just a 'sign' to the OP that she has truly risen above the baseness of those 'parents' (egg and sperm donors, actually) and the past hurt they inflicted; and that now she can freely rejoice in the love and success that she and her little family have created, against many odds. She has made it this far without the negative influence of those people and she doesn't need to doubt, in any way, her instincts. She doesn't need to respond in any way, negative or positive. IMHO it is a 'sign' for her to move on.
OP, you GO! Congratulations on all your accomplishments! You deserve to continue to enjoy a happy life with your little FAMILY - your son, your husband and you. All the best!
I will respectfully disagree with you as well. We are speaking metaphorically here when speaking of wounds and scars. I think the OP has already acknowledged what her parents did to her and she's been living with it for the past 20 years and made a good and successful family life for herself without them and in spite of their treatment of her.
You say the OP has a scar, I'll say it's an open wound that wasn't fully healed yet, it was partially healed but hadn't scarred yet, but now it's been fully re-opened again by the very same person who cut her the deepest of all with the first wounding. When both parents disown a child it's bad but it's always roughest on a girl when her own mother turns her back on her in the girl's greatest time of need of support and compassionate understanding from her mother.
This. When I was a kid I never really had a close relationship with my father. But I did with my mother. And now that I'm also a parent, I can't imagine doing to that to my son. And in a way, it hurts more now I'm a parent than it did back then.
I'd reply back and say that you are very busy with your life and no longer have time to develop a relationship with them.
I'd also say that, having been left without their support, emotionally or financially, when you were 17 and pregnant taught you a very important life lesson. You learned that one can overcome great difficulties, both financially and emotionally, with great determination and hard work ... and a good friend, who you, thankfully, found in your baby's father. And that hopefully their relationship WITH EACH OTHER, and their hard work and determination will get them through the challenges that their life presents.
It closes the door, and lets them know you are not wanting a relationship, and they can deal with their own issues without you.
Forgiveness would probably do OP some good, but forgiving does not mean you have to let the offending person back into your life or have any sort of relationship with them.
I agree.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
