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Old 06-21-2017, 07:12 AM
 
44 posts, read 34,232 times
Reputation: 170

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vector1 View Post
Well lets take what I bolded first. It would not surprise me that someone who engaged in an interracial relationship would not care about whom your son married. Lets face it, he is tri-racial if I understood your post correctly, so it would be hard for him not to marry the same race, unless it was a yellow or red woman.
[If he has black in him, he will likely be looked upon as black by society]
However, lets say you knew that if he married a yellow woman, she would immerse him into her culture and potentially even move to her native country, you might think differently. The same is true if he were of your religion, but then married someone from a religion that would indoctrinate him and your future grand kids into hating your religion/culture.
Heck what if he married a black woman who hated white people. That would be a cause of friction/trouble for your relationship with him and/or your grandkids.

You see, most people do not think of such things when they are dating someone outside of their own race/religion/culture. Yet many parents do think of those things, having experienced or know people who experienced life long conflicts as a result.
As an example, I know someone who kid married a Jewish woman, and they raised their kids as Jews, almost to the point of deriding Christians.
Nothing Christian could be celebrated or even talked about with the grand kids, or the Christian grandparents would be "cut out of their lives".
The parents naturally feel sick about this, but predicted it when they opposed their son marrying a Jewish woman. They also feel betrayed by their son for having suborned his beliefs to appease his wife and her family.
So if you knew or even suspected that the woman your son was thinking of marrying could lead to the end of your relationship with him or your future grandchildren, you might think differently.

As to kicking you out or cutting you off, were you officially disowned to where you could not reach out to them or even show up on their doorstep?
I ask because many times it is a two way street. They demand you live a certain way, and some kids are rebellious and refuse. Then the kids take the attitude "if my parent/s cannot accept me for for who I am, or what I've done, then I don't want to be around them either".
This type of attitude contributes if does not start the rift, and both sides take intractable, stubborn, prideful positions.
Then before you know it, decades pass, and the next time they see each other, it is at a funeral.
That is a sad way to go through life, but it is more common than you might imagine.

`
Well, he's actually dating a Korean-American young woman. They met in college. I haven't met her in the flesh (my son's college is far from home - and his girlfriend's home state is even farther) but he seems smitten about her. He's always on the phone with her when he's back home. She makes him happy, and that makes me happy. Doubt they will end up marrying (most relationships at that age don't last the lifetime) but if they do, they will encounter problems and in my experience, those issues will mostly consist of stuff same/race marriages face.

Around 40% of marriages in America end up in divorce. And the overwhelming majority of those marriages consist between two people of the same race/religion. Relationships, marriages, are incredibly difficult, whether it's between two people of the same race or two people of differing ethnicity. That's why a lot of them don't end well.

I'm not disputing that being in a biracial/cross-religious marriage may present extra problems, but if I've learned anything from the last twenty years is that, if two people love each other and want to stay together, they make it work. Those early years of my son's life were incredibly difficult and I and my husband would go two, three days without conversing properly because of some stupid falling out. But we worked at it and things got better.

And to answer your latter point - I was officially disowned. Shortly after moving in with my husband and his family, I went back to my old home and knocked. Figuring maybe their anger and disappointment had cooled down. Mom answered, and said she or my father didn't want me in the house and they didn't want to see me anymore. When my son was born, I sent a letter and pictures of him. No response. That's when I decided I was done with them. That rejection hurt me deeply at the time. My son, and my husband, were now my priorities and it's been that way ever since.

Last edited by lochness angel; 06-21-2017 at 07:23 AM..
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Old 06-21-2017, 07:18 AM
 
44 posts, read 34,232 times
Reputation: 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by picklejuice View Post
With all of those conditions, no one would ever get or give forgiveness.


Forgive for yourself, not the other person. Forgiving is one thing, and welcoming people back into your life is another. You can do one and not the other. Both are not necessary to join together. One is necessary for your own peace and well being.
I have already started shopping for therapists since my mother got in touch. I'll be honest - I'm not at a place where I can forgive right now. But perhaps I will be when I find a suitable therapist.
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Old 06-21-2017, 07:44 AM
 
44 posts, read 34,232 times
Reputation: 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by SOON2BNSURPRISE View Post
Write a letter to your parents, don't write a letter to your parents. Not my call.

I think you and your best friend, the man that stayed with you and helped you raise your son can only make that decision. What a story you tell. You both are awesome. So many people split up in today's world. It may have been easier to do just that. So many people run to the government because of mistakes that they made. It doesn't sound like you two did that. You guys stuck together and beat the odds. You don't need anyone telling you what to do. You have done it on your own. Somehow you both went from being kids to adults, faster than may be recommended. I can bet the early days were difficult without the support of others. It is so cool that you loved each other enough to stick together and make it happen.

What I would like to see is a book. I want you to write a book about your experience. I want you to show the world what happens when two people are committed to each other even if the start to being adults was not exactly perfect. Let people know that it is possible to see success after getting thru adversity. I would bet that as you look back on the past 20 years you will find that even in the hard times, because you had each other, that those were probably some of the best times of your life.
He is my best friend. I couldn't have done it without him. His charisma, strength and quirky sense of humor got me through a lot.

As for the book - I used to love writing poetry when I was in school. Don't think I have the endurance for an entire book!
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Old 06-21-2017, 09:36 AM
 
Location: Aiken, South Carolina, US of A
1,762 posts, read 3,834,712 times
Reputation: 3563
Delete the message and block her from contacting you on FB.
She has hurt you enough, hasn't she?
Then prevent it from happening again.
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Old 06-21-2017, 10:35 AM
 
Location: Northern NJ
7,947 posts, read 7,874,941 times
Reputation: 11164
Quote:
Originally Posted by lochness angel View Post
I have already started shopping for therapists since my mother got in touch. I'll be honest - I'm not at a place where I can forgive right now. But perhaps I will be when I find a suitable therapist.
Forgiveness should not be a goal. Just focus on your family and realize that you no longer have parents. And you haven't had them for a very long time. And you will never have them. Accept it. DNA does not determine whether someone is your mother. Actions do. And the actions of this woman who provided you with your DNA are the opposite of those that fit the description and spirit of being a parent.


You don't need therapy, you don't need to forgive. You need to block and forget and concentrate on your family. In fact, it is a dereliction of your own duty as a wife and parent to inflict this distraction on their lives.


You don't need to forgive, you need to endure. Some things cannot be corrected or erased with an apology or new intentions. Live with the pain and use it to prevent repeating any of it in your own role as a parent and wife.
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Old 06-21-2017, 11:02 AM
 
Location: fluid
261 posts, read 162,441 times
Reputation: 318
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Please do not respond to these racist manipulators
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Old 06-21-2017, 11:26 AM
 
235 posts, read 255,849 times
Reputation: 291
Quote:
Originally Posted by lochness angel View Post
Ever since my mom contacted me after all these years, I have been considering therapy. I really did think I put it all behind me. I think on a subliminal level, my mind gave me the impression that I had gotten over it in order to allow me to focus on more immediate issues (raising my son, making sure I and my husband were at our best so we gave him the best shot possible in life).

But now that my son is making his own life and things between I and hubby are great, I think I should take a step back and really confront these feelings. And therapy seems like the way to go for me.
I can truly relate. I don't want to write a novel about my situation but believe me, I understand the internal conflict when it's "family". Therapy is a good idea. It's not as easy as people think to let it go, especially now that the ball was put back in your court. IF you choose to take the high road - keep a distance (FB messages or emails only) and make it very clear that any contact/relationship cannot involve money.
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Old 06-21-2017, 11:35 AM
 
44 posts, read 34,232 times
Reputation: 170
Quote:
Originally Posted by seaduced View Post
I can truly relate. I don't want to write a novel about my situation but believe me, I understand the internal conflict when it's "family". Therapy is a good idea. It's not as easy as people think to let it go, especially now that the ball was put back in your court. IF you choose to take the high road - keep a distance (FB messages or emails only) and make it very clear that any contact/relationship cannot involve money.
Yeah, I really did think I had overcome everything until my mother messaged me. But it's clear I haven't and it's clear I need to work on that. I think one of the reasons it's still there is because now I'm an experienced parent. My son is now older than I was when I was disowned. I couldn't imagine doing that to him. Never in a million years.
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Old 06-21-2017, 12:06 PM
 
Location: Finally the house is done and we are in Port St. Lucie!
3,488 posts, read 2,047,402 times
Reputation: 9734
Quote:
Originally Posted by lochness angel View Post
Yeah, I really did think I had overcome everything until my mother messaged me. But it's clear I haven't and it's clear I need to work on that. I think one of the reasons it's still there is because now I'm an experienced parent. My son is now older than I was when I was disowned. I couldn't imagine doing that to him. Never in a million years.
I think what you are coming face to face with is the fact that your parents disowned you with such ease. That Is Not the way normal parents act towards their own flesh and blood.
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Old 06-21-2017, 12:21 PM
 
82 posts, read 44,978 times
Reputation: 98
Express your delight in having her back in your life, tell her about your husband's upcoming overseas job of some months, and that you can be at their side through this horrific time. Share the joyous news that you're expecting healthy twins any day now, and that gran can help with them.
__________________________________________________ ______________

I am sorry when people have bad parents. It's really not anyone's fault, and it can be hard to forgive them. You ought to do that and while you're at it, forgive yourself for feeling so much toward them. You all didn't deserve each other, and that's the end of anything between you. (I'm not smug; I just had my own awful parents.)

Last edited by onlyne; 06-21-2017 at 12:24 PM.. Reason: fixing punctuation
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