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Old 06-20-2017, 10:20 AM
 
44 posts, read 45,593 times
Reputation: 171

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vector1 View Post
A cousin "would have known all about it"?
What makes you so certain that the entire family will know about a private medical condition?
But lets take a few steps back here first.

Lets say you could verify that your Dad is ill with cancer, and your parents genuinely need the money for a worthy cause. Would you give it to them?
Ask yourself (whether you give them the money or not), would that change how you feel/felt about the past?
If you did give them some financial help, would it be out of some feeling of obligation for them having raised you for 17 years prior to the blowup?
Or would it be an olive branch to help heal the past wounds?

Far be it from CD posters to be able to untangle the situation you find yourself in, but maybe we can give you some perspective.
Profoundly religious people can disown their kids for being sinners in their minds, and it is more common than you might imagine.
Additionally, many parents, dare I say most parents want their kids to marry within the same race/culture/religion as they are. This is true of minorities as well, but not typically talked about because of the PC police that would want to label them as bigots/racists.
Yet, by parents wanting their kids to follow the rules (religious/societal), they are presumably looking out for their children's best interests.
Now you could emotionally choose to ignore that fact, but your parents actions were likely rooted in that belief.
Thus even if you do not agree with their value system, you should consider that they were trying to raise you in the manner they thought would give you the best future. Lets face it, many unwed mothers stories do not turn out as well as the one you have experienced, right?
For that matter, one could point out unemotionally that you life might be altered for the worse for having
engaged in behavior that led you to where you are today. Granted that is hard to see, considering you cannot imagine life without your son at the very least. Yet we really never know, now do we?

In any event, are your parents greedy people, just wanting to get some money to make their retirement years more comfortable? Lying about a potentially lethal illness would be a pretty low thing to do. Does that really sound like either of their characters, or are you sprinkling in some anger/resentment into the situation.
I certainly would not base your decision on what a cousin purports to know or not know. People can keep such personal matters close to the vest, with relatives the last to know.
You might wish to provide some financial assistance just for your own piece of mind, knowing they raised and provided for you as a child. If God forbid your Dad were to have cancer and died from it, you might forever feel guilty, and it might make any future reconciliation with your mother impossible.
Lets face it, if you donate to charities to help strangers, you'd likely want to help your own parents through a medical crisis unless the aforementioned negative emotions are holding you back.

I do not envy your situation, but wish you well in it's resolution.


`
What makes me sure it's not real is because my extended family would've known about it by now. Believe me, my mom is the kind of woman who would tell all if I or my dad so much as got a sprained ankle.

Oh and I'm not disputing the fact my parents had every right to be mad when I was pregnant. Like I said I was just a child and looking back on how my husband and I struggled back then, it's a miracle we're we are at now. I was foolish. My boyfriend was foolish.

But they cut me off for 20 years. Not so much as a word to check up over those two decades. When I read about family estrangements, usually they last for a few years, not decades. I don't hear from them for that long and then all of a sudden I'm supposed to welcome them with open arms and a considerable cheque (which is being requested on a false pretext?) I'm sorry but I can't look at it without subjective emotion. I can't.

Regarding future reconciliation with my mother - I don't plan on it. Like I said, I can't let her in my life - not just because of what happened, but I could never trust her around my son. I know a lot of families have problems with interracial unions (despite my husband being born out of a mixed union, my uncle had a problem with him and I marrying and my husband cut the man off like a rotting limb). With that history, I can't risk it. Frankly I don't care what race/religion culture the woman my son marries, will be. As long as he's happy.
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Old 06-20-2017, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Midwest
9,321 posts, read 11,072,887 times
Reputation: 17683
This is one reason God created the IGNORE button.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire View Post
You don't owe her a response. You owe her nothing. She may have given you life, but she chose to withdraw her love and support for 20 years. Clearly she knows nothing of the unconditional love of a parent.

Please don't respond. Block her completely. And have no guilt doing it.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Robino1 View Post
Delete the message and block her name.
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:41 AM
 
564 posts, read 446,765 times
Reputation: 1155
Vector 1 has given this matter a lot of thought, too much IMO. Your "Dad" abandoned his daughter. Your mother did, too. That is unforgivable, again, IMO. Now they come asking for money?!?!? These people can only bring you and your husband further grief. Have no contact for any reason, illness, death - no contact.
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:56 AM
 
16,715 posts, read 19,355,889 times
Reputation: 41482
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vector1 View Post
Profoundly religious people can disown their kids for being sinners in their minds
...
most parents want their kids to marry within the same race/culture/religion as they are
...
they are presumably looking out for their children's best interests.
That doesn't make it any less damaging, and a healthy individual would do well to stay away from such toxicity that would have two parents stay away from their child for 20 YEARS for those reasons.
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Old 06-20-2017, 12:04 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
9,053 posts, read 17,158,249 times
Reputation: 15226
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vector1 View Post
Far be it from CD posters to be able to untangle the situation you find yourself in, but maybe we can give you some perspective.
Profoundly religious people can disown their kids for being sinners in their minds, and it is more common than you might imagine.
Additionally, many parents, dare I say most parents want their kids to marry within the same race/culture/religion as they are. This is true of minorities as well, but not typically talked about because of the PC police that would want to label them as bigots/racists.
Yet, by parents wanting their kids to follow the rules (religious/societal), they are presumably looking out for their children's best interests.
Now you could emotionally choose to ignore that fact, but your parents actions were likely rooted in that belief.
Thus even if you do not agree with their value system, you should consider that they were trying to raise you in the manner they thought would give you the best future. Lets face it, many unwed mothers stories do not turn out as well as the one you have experienced, right?
For that matter, one could point out unemotionally that you life might be altered for the worse for having
engaged in behavior that led you to where you are today. Granted that is hard to see, considering you cannot imagine life without your son at the very least. Yet we really never know, now do we?

So they did it out of "love" for their child? Kicking a pregnant 17 yr old to the street sure doesn't sound like love.


Quote:
Originally Posted by lochness angel View Post
Oh and I'm not disputing the fact my parents had every right to be mad when I was pregnant. Like I said I was just a child and looking back on how my husband and I struggled back then, it's a miracle we're we are at now. I was foolish. My boyfriend was foolish.

But they cut me off for 20 years. Not so much as a word to check up over those two decades. When I read about family estrangements, usually they last for a few years, not decades. I don't hear from them for that long and then all of a sudden I'm supposed to welcome them with open arms and a considerable cheque (which is being requested on a false pretext?) I'm sorry but I can't look at it without subjective emotion. I can't.

Regarding future reconciliation with my mother - I don't plan on it. Like I said, I can't let her in my life - not just because of what happened, but I could never trust her around my son. I know a lot of families have problems with interracial unions (despite my husband being born out of a mixed union, my uncle had a problem with him and I marrying and my husband cut the man off like a rotting limb). With that history, I can't risk it. Frankly I don't care what race/religion culture the woman my son marries, will be. As long as he's happy.
Yes, they had a right to be upset. Kicking you out on the street went far beyond that. Good for you in protecting your son from these nasty, judgmental people.
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Old 06-20-2017, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Camberville
15,836 posts, read 21,369,827 times
Reputation: 28134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vector1 View Post
Lets say you could verify that your Dad is ill with cancer, and your parents genuinely need the money for a worthy cause. Would you give it to them?
Ask yourself (whether you give them the money or not), would that change how you feel/felt about the past?
If you did give them some financial help, would it be out of some feeling of obligation for them having raised you for 17 years prior to the blowup?
Or would it be an olive branch to help heal the past wounds?
I would recommend that if the OP felt so guilty about it (and I certainly hope that she doesn't) that she gives whatever she would be willing to give to the people who birthed her to the cancer center. If her parents are truly in need, they can apply for the funds. Otherwise, the money certainly goes to people who need it.

Her parents chose to give birth to her. She does not owe them for providing for her in childhood.

And she knows better than most about what it's like to be abandoned when she needs help the most. A pregnant 17 year old wasn't deserving of help, but a man in his 60s or 70s who had his whole life to plan for this has the audacity of reaching out to ask for help? No. Nope. No. There is absolutely no scenario where these people are not selfish. If they wanted to renew bonds, why didn't they reach out 20 years ago when they realized they made a colossal error in disowning their teenage daughter? Or 19 years ago when their precious grandson was born?

They don't regret losing the OP from their life, they regret losing access to her money and time in their old age. I know that well - my parents have the same regrets.
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Old 06-20-2017, 12:41 PM
 
Location: West of Louisiana, East of New Mexico
2,916 posts, read 2,987,749 times
Reputation: 7036
I'd ignore her and move on with my life.

If you and her reconciled 10 years ago, rebuilt your relationship and then she needed money, I'd say "help the family." However she hasn't contacted you AT ALL for 20 years. You parents abandoned you when you needed them the most but expect you to help them when they need you most. They chose their path, and now they have to stick to it. You can forgive them in your heart but that doesn't mean you should give her the satisfaction of knowing you forgave her.
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Old 06-20-2017, 01:15 PM
 
Location: Living on the Coast in Oxnard CA
16,289 posts, read 32,270,302 times
Reputation: 21891
Write a letter to your parents, don't write a letter to your parents. Not my call.

I think you and your best friend, the man that stayed with you and helped you raise your son can only make that decision. What a story you tell. You both are awesome. So many people split up in today's world. It may have been easier to do just that. So many people run to the government because of mistakes that they made. It doesn't sound like you two did that. You guys stuck together and beat the odds. You don't need anyone telling you what to do. You have done it on your own. Somehow you both went from being kids to adults, faster than may be recommended. I can bet the early days were difficult without the support of others. It is so cool that you loved each other enough to stick together and make it happen.

What I would like to see is a book. I want you to write a book about your experience. I want you to show the world what happens when two people are committed to each other even if the start to being adults was not exactly perfect. Let people know that it is possible to see success after getting thru adversity. I would bet that as you look back on the past 20 years you will find that even in the hard times, because you had each other, that those were probably some of the best times of your life.
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Old 06-20-2017, 01:34 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,058 posts, read 18,261,749 times
Reputation: 37120
"Oh, there are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down; you know they hurt your pride
You got to put it all behind you 'cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I will live happily ever after and my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness, forgiveness..."


Give yourself the gift. Forgive.
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Old 06-20-2017, 01:59 PM
 
Location: Camberville
15,836 posts, read 21,369,827 times
Reputation: 28134
Quote:
Originally Posted by picklejuice View Post
"Oh, there are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down; you know they hurt your pride
You got to put it all behind you 'cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I will live happily ever after and my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness, forgiveness..."


Give yourself the gift. Forgive.
Forgiveness must be earned, it must be deserved, and it must be requested. It seems that none of the above is true in the OP's case.
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