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Old 06-16-2017, 07:47 PM
17,002 posts, read 20,682,700 times
Reputation: 33988


Originally Posted by basketballcoach View Post
I'm getting married next fall. I have 5 guys as groomsmen and my step-brother as best man.
I'm fed up of always being left out of friends' and relatives' weddings. I found out last night that one of my groosmen who is also engaged and will be getting married next year picked his wedding party and I'm not in it.
I go out of my way for my friends and relatives all the time. My fiancee and I host parties at our house all the time. I allow them to stay with me when many are in town. I've lent money to various people and when a cousin's wife was seriously injured in a car accident, I took care of that friend's two sons for days at a time so he could be at the hospital with her. They later had a third child and I kept hoping I would be asked to the godfather, but they asked some relative who two states away and they barely see that person.
I'm tired of not being appreciated and I don't feel like I'm good enough for my friends since they keep leaving me out of weddings. Anyone else have similar experiences. I just wish I could have the experience of being in at least one wedding.
The bolded part is the only thing to be bent out of shape over.

You are going to have the experience of being in a wedding, in fact the most important one, YOUR OWN.

Originally Posted by basketballcoach View Post
No I haven't asked them. I know it's weird that I long to be in a wedding. But, as a kid I went to a lot of relatives' weddings and so how much the bride and groom valued the people in their wedding. I saw how honorable it was to be a best man. I wish I could find ways to tell my friends this, but I know it will look weird. Maybe, I'm an idiot for feeling this way, but I just always wanted to feel part of someone's big day and know that cared enough about me to give me the honors.
You are part of their day, you're an invited guest. You keep saying you don't care about cost and I'm guessing you're on the young side. The money and aggravation you have been saved could be invested or spent on really nice vacation for you and your bride.

Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
This strikes me as a very, very small thing for an adult man to be so sour over.
A very small thing, again I'm guessing the OP is young. I'm now over 50 and I could care less if I ever go to another wedding. Went to several in my 20s, I am not in contact with any of these people. All but one couple that I know is divorced.

Originally Posted by merv1225 View Post
OP should count himself fortunate. Much better to simply smile and attend the wedding as a guest.

I was in 3 weddings and every one of those marriages crashed and ended within a year.
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Old 06-16-2017, 07:48 PM
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Seems like we may be diminishing OP feelings bc he's a guy. I guess I'd be hurt if I had very close friends since childhood and I felt left out.
I'm not sure what the answer is OP bc the only way to get the truth is to ask or try to deduce for yourself.
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Old 06-16-2017, 08:00 PM
Location: Howard County, Maryland
5,672 posts, read 3,649,479 times
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If I had to guess, I would say that being excluded from the wedding party is not intended to be an insult against the OP. Rather, since it's the brides who do the vast majority of the wedding planning, it's they who are largely responsible for choosing the wedding parties. And if it comes down to either picking her brothers and closest cousins, or one of the groom's friends, then there's the answer.

And while I agree with the posters who are telling the OP to count his blessings by NOT being included, that's beside the point. The OP is being denied an experience that is important to him, and I think it's reasonable for him to be upset.

My advice to the OP would be to invite whoever you want, either in the wedding party or as guests, and enjoy your day. Don't dwell on any slights, real or imagined, but enjoy the company of your friends on this important day.
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Old 06-16-2017, 08:13 PM
Location: interior Alaska
4,486 posts, read 3,319,586 times
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Most brides and grooms have siblings and/or close relatives who sort of fill those positions by default, regardless of who the bride and groom actually feel closest to. Wedding parties are more often about familial politics than about sentiment.

I wouldn't take it personally unless the groom asked, like, your whole circle of buddies but not you.
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Old 06-16-2017, 09:19 PM
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,094,556 times
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OP, I've seen this happen before, and I'm sorry you are hurt. My husband had 5 people in our wedding. 2 reciprocated. 3 did not. I had 5. 3 reciprocated. 1 did not. the 5th didn't even invite me to hers! All I can say is that we've stayed close to people who were not in the wedding party and drifted from people who were. It is important at the time, but not in the big scheme of life. If you are looking for a reason, you may never find one. Maybe stop bending over backward for these people. You now have a better idea of where you stand in their eyes.
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Old 06-17-2017, 12:33 AM
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If it's all relatives they have in their weddings, it may be a family custom to only use relatives in their wedding.
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Old 06-17-2017, 02:55 AM
12,703 posts, read 14,081,338 times
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Originally Posted by stava View Post
It doesn't to me. If he's been repeatedly left out despite going out of his way as a friend multiple times, he rightfully feels like he's getting the short end of the stick.
What? You go out of your way for friends to get a payoff, is that it? What a profoundly crappy, juvenile way of looking at friendship...and life.

I lived in a relatively small town with one school system, so we all knew each other to one degree or another. I was the best man in only one wedding, and never in the wedding of another. But I went to the weddings of friends and acquaintances over the years, and had a wonderful time celebrating with them.

Good grief, people. Get a grip! It is about someone else's wedding, their happy day...celebrate and be glad with them. Stop all the baaah-waah-waahing like a bunch of spoiled jr. high schoolers.
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Old 06-17-2017, 07:05 AM
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OP, you don't seem to mention that you have a best friend. Generally, in my experience a guy asks his best friend to be his best man, and then half the time the other spots are filled by the groom's relatives or his bride's family. My cousin had his father as his best man and sole groomsman. My other male buddy had friends who were seriously close to him as his groomsmen - two were somewhat older mentors (who are also among our closest mutual friends) and the others were his wife's brother and his long-term college roommate. I was floated as a possible "groomchick" but his wife wanted to keep things traditional. When it was the marrying years for my closest friends, I was never asked to be in wedding parties - instead I was the first choice as a reader for some reason. I have a HORRIBLE speaking voice, but all my friends wanted me to read for them. I have no problem with that whatsoever - no costs associated with it and the only obligation is to show up, know the reading and speak clearly.

And then some guys also just pick whoever they're hanging out with at that point in their life. I'd say unless you have spoken up to say you'd love to be in a wedding, they're not going going to give you any special consideration.

Plus there's also this vibe of "bean counting" to your post. You helped your friends out and then you expect to be included in bridal parties or named as a godparent. Dude, that's just weird. And you may be giving off a vibe that pushes people away.

I'm not the best person with emotional intimacy. But I think you need to work on cultivating that with your friends. You may want to check out a book by a guy called Goleman; the title is simply "Emotional Intelligence" I believe.
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Old 06-17-2017, 07:50 AM
2,690 posts, read 1,626,717 times
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OP, I think your attitude about this is precisely why you haven't been included in any wedding parties. Drama. No one wants to have a member of their wedding party with such a petulant attitude.

A wedding day for someone is not about you in any way shape or form. You should be glad you were invited to attend, but apparently that isn't good enough for you? If I were one of your friends and I knew that about you, I'd feel disgusted I invited you at all.

And being miffed about not being chosen as a godfather??? You've got to be kidding me. Parents choose a godfather for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they'll choose a family member, sometimes a best friend, sometimes a friend who isn't nearly as close. They're looking for the best choice for their child, and your feelings are not a factor at all in that.

We picked two of my friends to be godparents. We had lots of friends we are much closer to. But the people we chose, we did so for several reasons. They both have good jobs and are good with their finances. We don't have to worry about them blowing our daughter's inheritance after they take her in if we were gone. They also have children about the same age as our daughter. They are both highly educated. We've known them for decades. We felt that growing up with them if we were gone would be the least traumatic/stressful for our daughter.

My best friend didn't get the nod because he has 2 boys who are older, a wife who has medical issues and her own challenges, and they make about half what we do. We didn't want any funds for our daughter being used to put their kids through college, for example. Their support network (parents and family) are scattered across the country. That means they get less help if an issue arose and could possibly mean they'd have to move to be closer to family and uproot our daughter from here.

Being a godparent is not a decision to make lightly, and the fact that you think it has anything to do with YOU means you aren't fit to be one.
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Old 06-17-2017, 07:57 AM
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Feeling left out sucks.

Bending over backwards for others and then being left out sucks harder.

You do a lot for your friends and you feel unappreciated. Do you do these things because you TRULY want to or because you want to be RECOGNIZED as a super pal by them and others? If the latter is the case, you need to stop doing things for people. You will never receive the gratitude you deserve and it is quickly forgotten by the fickle. There are lots of fickle folks these days. If you are going to do things for people, do it because you really want to and then forget you did it. If they are sincere in their gratitude, they will be bringing it up more than you and it will be a nice surprise each time because you sort of forgot you did it. Less hurt feelings, less expectations, better quality of life for you.
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