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I find that for healthy friendships, it is important to know one's personal boundaries, and then to maintain them.
If a friendship is a healthy one, the friend might feel a bit hurt by a boundary initially, but ultimately they will accept it, and the friendship can progress from there.
It appears you are making assumptions that she is hinting to stay with you. That isn't generally a helpful thing to do (making assumptions). Why not just relax, assume nothing, and if she asks to stay, then tell that you are sorry, but its just not possible.
How she responds to this boundary will determine whether you have a healthy friendship or not. And then you can decide how you want to proceed from there.
Last, there are many people who don't approach life problems the way others do. Some are more active, while others can be passive. It sounds like this is the case with your friend and you. You took an active approach to solving major life problems, and she is taking a passive approach.
This is not a problem if both can respect the other's boundaries.
I find that for healthy friendships, it is important to know one's personal boundaries, and then to maintain them.
If a friendship is a healthy one, the friend might feel a bit hurt by a boundary initially, but ultimately they will accept it, and the friendship can progress from there.
It appears you are making assumptions that she is hinting to stay with you. That isn't generally a helpful thing to do (making assumptions). Why not just relax, assume nothing, and if she asks to stay, then tell that you are sorry, but its just not possible.
How she responds to this boundary will determine whether you have a healthy friendship or not. And then you can decide how you want to proceed from there.
Last, there are many people who don't approach life problems the way others do. Some are more active, while others can be passive. It sounds like this is the case with your friend and you. You took an active approach to solving major life problems, and she is taking a passive approach.
This is not a problem if both can respect the other's boundaries.
Well I am making an assumption that she is hinting because 4 days ago she contacted me on Hangouts (Añ-goot in French manner) and asked 1)when I was leaving with the kids 2)how long I was going to stay there. I told her without any hidden thought that I was going to stay there just for a day, then return and spend a month by myself. So the fact that she reappears today with a statement that she thinks she wants to relax by herself without her husband or son for a week or two, sort of ties to me together. Maybe I am wrong, of course.
I guess I am mainly struggling with how far should I help her strictly with cultural differences. She has been in Canada for 6-7 years already, but always within her family of three, they have the same Tunisian way of things at home (furniture/cooking/praying etc), and she communicates with her family back in Tunisia a lot (mother-father-sisters). So I think I am almost the only one who explains the Canadian ways to her.
For example, she is still wary of police and any other authority, does not trust them because I suppose they don't trust them in Tunisia. Therefore any my suggestions of calling police-shelter are met with lowering her head. She basically believes all of them will take her child from her. I suppose not much I can do, neither, to make her believe otherwise and only life itself can educate her. It just feels like throwing a puppy in the rapids.
If it were a western woman, that would be the end of it. Both of us would understand that one is encroaching on another's boundaries, and the other is defending her boundaries. All of this would happen implicitly, and also both would absolutely know about the support system - police-ambulances-social workers-shelters.
I wonder if you could point her to a case worker who she could learn to trust?
In her culture, the husband is king. To allow her to come into your home, and perhaps not even let her husband know she was leaving, could open you up to accusations that you were instrumental in alienating her from her family. You could be in legal trouble, but should he decide to search for her and find her at your home, you might be in physical danger.
It seems that you have done all you can do, since she is adamant that what you advised is beneath her. You would be better off to disassociate yourself from her and enjoy your month of solitude and relaxation. Good luck.
A little background: I myself had gone through a rough patch with separation and moving to another city with 2 children. Not just another city, but another language as well. So I swallowed my pride and stayed for about 6 months in a shelter while learning my way around. Eventually I found my own place, learned the language, took IT courses and found a nice job.
While taking courses, I met this woman, who became sort of a buddy for assignments etc. She is a muslim and followed her husband to Canada 3 years prior. They had a child who is now 3 years old.
Starting at those courses, I became a witness to the frictions between her and her husband - she is an intelligent woman and mostly kept her anguish within herself, sometimes calling on skype to her family back in Tunisia and crying. I told her about my experience - that there was support for abused women and children, and it did not matter what kind of abuse - emotional or financial also counted.
We graduated from our course about two years ago already. But she would contact me from time to time, mostly complaining of how hard it was for her to live with him. There was no physical abuse, it was a war of wills more like. I think I approached with the western view - that a woman could make a decision in this society, that you are not chained to your husband, that there is help out there. She sort of demurred at my words. She always said that her husband would take their son, that he threatened with it. That she would have to first find a job to support herself and her son, so the courts would leave her son to her. She was having troubles, btw, to find a job. I said that while it would generally be better, no one would separate her from her child. That in the shelter I lived in, no one was taking their children from their mothers just because they were on welfare.
One time, when she texted again and complained again "I cannot do it anymore, he pushed me, I fell and was in pain, and asked him to call 911, but he instead dragged me into a bathtub", I used stronger words that he could kill her and she would better off leaving him.
She also replied with stronger words - that she would not want to repeat my way. I understood that, in her mind, living in a "shelter" was waaaaaay beneath her. Way beneath her to even mention about it to her family. She sort of lives on two fronts, still - she absorbs the ways of the western society, but also she has to report to back home, and measure up by those standards. Living in Canada, the beacon for many people in Tunisia, and living in a shelter () and maybe on welfare (), is still inconceivable and shameful in her head.
I even went to my own bosses and basically got out of them an internship for her, in my company. She was a fast learner and would be a good employee. But unfortunately my company had to let her go, not because of her, but because of downturn in business.
Cutting to the present time. She learned that my children would spend a part of this summer with their father and I would be living by myself for a month. I was looking forward to this time, too - a whole month to unwind, to finally have my own time for myself. After all that I have been through, with re-establishing my life.
So she texts me: "I would like to take a week or two away from my husband. Do you know any cheap places to stay, furnished?" I replied - "Hostels or airbnb - or shelters for free for women and children". She said that she would not take her son with her. I said - "Then definitely look up a hostel." She did not reply to that. I have this strong feeling that she expects me to invite her to my apartment. I resent the fact that I earned my apartment by going through what I went through, the path that she considers beneath her. Yet there is something that eats at me, like I am not helping a woman in marital troubles.
As someone else said, do not let her stay with you! Meet her in a public place, if you invite her to dinner you may not get her out! We see sad stories frequently, of people who let friends or relatives move in "just for a while" to "help them get back on their feet" and years later they are still there.
I agree with everyone else, don't do it. The last thing you need is to get caught in the middle of a domestic situation with an enraged husband showing up at your door. Like others have said, there's social services for this sort of thing. If your friend doesn't trust the authorities, that's her problem, not yours.
It does sound as if she wants it both ways; she wants to leave her husband, but not the financial comforts marriage offers. She wants the easiest way possible and sees you as a friend-in-waiting to rely upon any time she needs something. I'd probably cut her out of your life altogether, as the friendship sounds co-dependent and unhealthy.
It sounds like you've earned your month to yourself. Take it.
Just say no if she asks. If she asks why tell her "I don't want to". See how that goes. I've been practicing saying those exact words to people who want me to do things I don't care to do. Once she gets in your place how do you plan on getting her out?
She's an acquaintance, not a friend. Why not just block her # and stop dealing with her?
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) and maybe on welfare (
), is still inconceivable and shameful in her head.
