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A little background: I myself had gone through a rough patch with separation and moving to another city with 2 children. Not just another city, but another language as well. So I swallowed my pride and stayed for about 6 months in a shelter while learning my way around. Eventually I found my own place, learned the language, took IT courses and found a nice job.
While taking courses, I met this woman, who became sort of a buddy for assignments etc. She is a muslim and followed her husband to Canada 3 years prior. They had a child who is now 3 years old.
Starting at those courses, I became a witness to the frictions between her and her husband - she is an intelligent woman and mostly kept her anguish within herself, sometimes calling on skype to her family back in Tunisia and crying. I told her about my experience - that there was support for abused women and children, and it did not matter what kind of abuse - emotional or financial also counted.
We graduated from our course about two years ago already. But she would contact me from time to time, mostly complaining of how hard it was for her to live with him. There was no physical abuse, it was a war of wills more like. I think I approached with the western view - that a woman could make a decision in this society, that you are not chained to your husband, that there is help out there. She sort of demurred at my words. She always said that her husband would take their son, that he threatened with it. That she would have to first find a job to support herself and her son, so the courts would leave her son to her. She was having troubles, btw, to find a job. I said that while it would generally be better, no one would separate her from her child. That in the shelter I lived in, no one was taking their children from their mothers just because they were on welfare.
One time, when she texted again and complained again "I cannot do it anymore, he pushed me, I fell and was in pain, and asked him to call 911, but he instead dragged me into a bathtub", I used stronger words that he could kill her and she would better off leaving him.
She also replied with stronger words - that she would not want to repeat my way. I understood that, in her mind, living in a "shelter" was waaaaaay beneath her. Way beneath her to even mention about it to her family. She sort of lives on two fronts, still - she absorbs the ways of the western society, but also she has to report to back home, and measure up by those standards. Living in Canada, the beacon for many people in Tunisia, and living in a shelter () and maybe on welfare (), is still inconceivable and shameful in her head.
I even went to my own bosses and basically got out of them an internship for her, in my company. She was a fast learner and would be a good employee. But unfortunately my company had to let her go, not because of her, but because of downturn in business.
Cutting to the present time. She learned that my children would spend a part of this summer with their father and I would be living by myself for a month. I was looking forward to this time, too - a whole month to unwind, to finally have my own time for myself. After all that I have been through, with re-establishing my life.
So she texts me: "I would like to take a week or two away from my husband. Do you know any cheap places to stay, furnished?" I replied - "Hostels or airbnb - or shelters for free for women and children". She said that she would not take her son with her. I said - "Then definitely look up a hostel." She did not reply to that. I have this strong feeling that she expects me to invite her to my apartment. I resent the fact that I earned my apartment by going through what I went through, the path that she considers beneath her. Yet there is something that eats at me, like I am not helping a woman in marital troubles.
Stop feeling guilty. You are not this person's social worker. You *are* helping her by giving her advice, by setting up an internship for her. Allowing her to move in with you will not help her and it will cause issued for you and your children. What if she doesn't leave after a week? What if her husband comes after her to your home? Abused woman are *never* 100% safw, but at least a shelter can offer some protection as well as counseling, workshops, etc.
ETA: I wanted to add-in have someone in my life who is trying to guilt me into letting her move in with me (in my one bedroom apartment). For so many reasons -just no. My sister? In a heartbeat. A stranger? Sorry, but no.
Also wanted to add that many years ago I met a single mom and we became friendly but it was clear that she was taking advantage of me . She would call in hysteria, "I can't take it anymore, I'm going to throw my kids out the window" so if course I would just tell her to bring them to me for the weekend. I eventually had to make a clean break with her. I would strongly encourage you to not get started
Last edited by Shira_k; 06-17-2017 at 09:53 AM..
Reason: Forgot something
Shira_k, thank you for your perspective. I agree with you.
I think the change is hard for her, from a culture of close-knit extended families, to having no family at all and not knowing where to turn when living with her own husband is he*ll. She unconsciously wants to mold me into a surrogate family. I am sorry for her. But I would like to have my comfort, too, and that comfort includes our individualist ways. If I provide a safe place for her, she may never find her own footing.
Another thing, that I am also sorry for, is her not knowing English. She does talk about how she should. But, while sitting at home, she does not do anything about it. It gets to the point that while sending her links, I am trying to find French equivalents of the sites, and many don't have them. And why should I?
A little background: I myself had gone through a rough patch with separation and moving to another city with 2 children. Not just another city, but another language as well. So I swallowed my pride and stayed for about 6 months in a shelter while learning my way around. Eventually I found my own place, learned the language, took IT courses and found a nice job.
While taking courses, I met this woman, who became sort of a buddy for assignments etc. She is a muslim and followed her husband to Canada 3 years prior. They had a child who is now 3 years old.
Starting at those courses, I became a witness to the frictions between her and her husband - she is an intelligent woman and mostly kept her anguish within herself, sometimes calling on skype to her family back in Tunisia and crying. I told her about my experience - that there was support for abused women and children, and it did not matter what kind of abuse - emotional or financial also counted.
We graduated from our course about two years ago already. But she would contact me from time to time, mostly complaining of how hard it was for her to live with him. There was no physical abuse, it was a war of wills more like. I think I approached with the western view - that a woman could make a decision in this society, that you are not chained to your husband, that there is help out there. She sort of demurred at my words. She always said that her husband would take their son, that he threatened with it. That she would have to first find a job to support herself and her son, so the courts would leave her son to her. She was having troubles, btw, to find a job. I said that while it would generally be better, no one would separate her from her child. That in the shelter I lived in, no one was taking their children from their mothers just because they were on welfare.
One time, when she texted again and complained again "I cannot do it anymore, he pushed me, I fell and was in pain, and asked him to call 911, but he instead dragged me into a bathtub", I used stronger words that he could kill her and she would better off leaving him.
She also replied with stronger words - that she would not want to repeat my way. I understood that, in her mind, living in a "shelter" was waaaaaay beneath her. Way beneath her to even mention about it to her family. She sort of lives on two fronts, still - she absorbs the ways of the western society, but also she has to report to back home, and measure up by those standards. Living in Canada, the beacon for many people in Tunisia, and living in a shelter () and maybe on welfare (), is still inconceivable and shameful in her head.
I even went to my own bosses and basically got out of them an internship for her, in my company. She was a fast learner and would be a good employee. But unfortunately my company had to let her go, not because of her, but because of downturn in business.
Cutting to the present time. She learned that my children would spend a part of this summer with their father and I would be living by myself for a month. I was looking forward to this time, too - a whole month to unwind, to finally have my own time for myself. After all that I have been through, with re-establishing my life.
So she texts me: "I would like to take a week or two away from my husband. Do you know any cheap places to stay, furnished?" I replied - "Hostels or airbnb - or shelters for free for women and children". She said that she would not take her son with her. I said - "Then definitely look up a hostel." She did not reply to that. I have this strong feeling that she expects me to invite her to my apartment. I resent the fact that I earned my apartment by going through what I went through, the path that she considers beneath her. Yet there is something that eats at me, like I am not helping a woman in marital troubles.
Not your job, nor your responsibility. I find it insulting that she 'hints' to you as opposed to just asking you flat out, trying to manipulate you. By being her 'rescuer' you're interfering in her marriage and opening yourself up to friction with the husband, a man with whom you have no issues. Frankly, it's none of your business, and you seem to be seriously contemplating disrupting your free time with some married woman's drama.
The workplaces are supposed to advertise in French. Often they advertise in both languages. But when it comes to interviews and actual work in IT companies, it is important to know English.
Don't let her stay, for the following reasons: She is only looking out for her own interests and being inconsiderate and presumptive to you. Plus, she is being sneaky by hinting instead of asking out front. But most important is that if you were to let her stay in your home she could legally establish residency and you couldn't even get rid of her! You took care of your problem on your own and she can do the same.
I find it insulting that she 'hints' to you as opposed to just asking you flat out, trying to manipulate you.
You focused this for me. It was felt but out of focus before. Yes! I agree, she is not asking me straight, she does not want to be the one who asks. Another possible cultural thing.
Don't let her stay, for the following reasons: She is only looking out for her own interests and being inconsiderate and presumptive to you. Plus, she is being sneaky by hinting instead of asking out front. But most important is that if you were to let her stay in your home she could legally establish residency and you couldn't even get rid of her! You took care of your problem on your own and she can do the same.
You focused this for me. It was felt but out of focus before. Yes! I agree, she is not asking me straight, she does not want to be the one who asks. Another possible cultural thing.
Then let her learn the hard way that in your culture, one asks for what one wants. Nevermind that they're going to get told 'no' anyway.
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) and maybe on welfare (
), is still inconceivable and shameful in her head.
