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Old 06-20-2017, 07:49 AM
 
1,511 posts, read 1,249,239 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bondaroo View Post
Oh man, I feel for you. I am you, but 21 years older. I have finally made peace with the dynamics of my family, because my parents have both passed (guess who took care of them in their old age?).


Your feelings are very real and valid. In my case, I did talk to my parents - and yes, they turned it on me. I was accused of "taking things personally, like you always do". As if the treatment wasn't personal.

I also talked in small bits over the years with my brothers. My older brother is totally oblivious and agreed with our parents. My twin brother saw it, but had no answer for me, he just went along with it.

There was one particular Christmas when I was about your age where I spent a lot of time and energy collecting things for a gift my twin and I gave our parents together. My brother helped, but I organized it and I lived in the same town so I got the restaurant gift certificates and wrapped it and all that. When our parents opened it, they kept asking my brother how he came up with such a wonderful gift. At one point he looked at me and raised his eyebrows - he got it. But never said anything to them.

The stories go on and on and on.

My advice as someone who has shed so many tears over this, the only way to get out of it is to get out of it. Emotionally disengage. They will never change.

My moment of waking up from how it was affecting things was when older brother's daughter got married, 3 years ago. Our parents were already dead. My husband, 19 year old daughter and I were left out of a big family gathering with all of the out of town relatives the week of the wedding, including my twin brother and his family. My 19 year old daughter told me "just forget it, they don't like us". Near broke my heart, but she was sort of right. I don't think they don't like us, they just don't consider us. Which hurts just as much, and maybe worse. My husband is correct, I think, in that my brothers were taught by our parents how to treat me, and by extension, my family.

I also have an older sister, who was always the black sheep and treated worse than I was. When I finally "got it", I called her and apologized for not seeing things for what they were. I tried so hard to get my parents and brothers to value me, I often sided with them about my sister. We've had a rocky relationship, but always had each other's backs, and she's never disrespected me like the boys have repeatedly. And at the ripe old age of 49, I finally am at peace.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
I hope that you and your sister now have a relationship, better late than never thanks for posting
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:16 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
18,761 posts, read 11,755,546 times
Reputation: 64148
I understand exactly where you're coming from Bell. My brother could do no wrong and was the treasured one,especially by my mother. My father treated him differently with more privileges because he was a boy. I remember once when he broke into a house and hid a stolen TV up in the attic. My mother did nothing about it. I was a half an hour late because I went to help a friend deliver papers and was grounded for a week. Yeah, I get it that girls are more vulnerable, but come on.

Dear one, you will never change your family dynamic. You only have the power to change how you deal with it. I'm of the opinion that if something causes you too much grief, then it has to be eliminated from your life. See your family only when you feel the need. If they start gushing over your brother, then it's time to leave. I chose to totally eliminate my toxic parents from my life. Honestly, I didn't miss them. You have to decide how to deal with them. Are they all bad? If not, then focus on the positive and eliminate the negative. You can pick and choose which behaviors you want in your life, and which ones you don't.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:19 AM
 
19,487 posts, read 12,122,052 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
Yup, that is the first thing i always think of. Actually i saw a thread just before, i think in the parenting forum, where a mother is asking why her daughter doesn't call more often or something. and i think to myself - maybe you are saying/doing something harmful that you don't even realize. Like i wonder if my parents even realize they are doing these things.
If you tell them and they toss it back at you, they know they are doing it.
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Old 06-20-2017, 09:16 AM
 
Location: In a chartreuse microbus
3,863 posts, read 6,282,992 times
Reputation: 8107
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I'm sorry. Isn't it frustrating to have this happen all your life and know they're never going to change?

You know, we see a lot of people (particularly in the Retirement forum) who are upset because they're estranged from their adult children. I sometimes wonder what those adult children would say if they were asked. I'm guessing at least some of them would tell a story similar to yours.

You could try a couple of sessions of talk therapy to see if that helps. Sometimes having a neutral third party giving you their entire attention helps.
Yes. I am sorry that this is your reality, OP. One of the hardest things to acknowledge, and what no one ever wants to come out and say, is that family ties not only bind, they can strangle. The very ones you would hope you can count on to provide support many times turn out to be the least reliable. Hoping you can create a different world for yourself.
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Old 06-20-2017, 09:50 AM
 
712 posts, read 837,087 times
Reputation: 994
OP - there is no such thing as 'perfect family' **.
And it's not just a 'gender' thing; I'm a 'boy', but was also 'ignored' relative to older siblings (parents had 7 kiddos) when I was younger. In my 50's now, and both parents are gone; enjoy what time you do have - nothing lasts forever. In the end, my parents came to appreciate me (and my accomplishments/family) as the individual I am. Now in their position, I realize how easy it is to be overwhelmed by everything life has to throw at you, especially if you are raising kiddos.
BEST words of advice I can share, is to NOT perpetuate/project those same 'inequities' onto your own relationships/family nor make your spouse 'pay' for parents/fathers shortcomings (easy for me to 'say', but many will need 'therapy' to figure it out). As 'bad' as you have 'had it', you have been blessed with much in your family.
.
** - (at least here on earth; there is ONE heavenly PERFECT role model family though...).
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:25 AM
 
18 posts, read 20,568 times
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Do the other women in the family notice it (Is this a men vs women thing or a sons vs daughter thing?) Do they get the same treatment?
You should say something. Saying something may or may not change their behavior towards you but you will know that you tried to address the situation in the best possible way. If you decide to say something make sure to tell them what is it that you exactly expect them to change. You don't want to go through the trouble of bringing up the topic only to find a few months later nothing has changed because the men did not know what to change.
If nothing changes after all your efforts just remember you are who you are irrespective of whether others choose to acknowledge it or not.
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Old 06-20-2017, 12:58 PM
 
13,262 posts, read 7,978,903 times
Reputation: 30753
OP, I wonder...


Do you think maybe things could be better between you and your parents if you did some one-on-one things with them? Like ask your mom out for a spa day, or you and your boyfriend ask your mom and dad to dinner?


Some kind of situation where you can shine your own little light, and not have to compete with the boys?
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Old 06-20-2017, 01:00 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
15,479 posts, read 15,564,516 times
Reputation: 28462
Hate to say this, but you are going to have accept it and get over it. They're not going to change. Many families are like this. it is what is and there's no changing it. You can change how you deal with it and how many get togethers you go to, but that's about it. Many times they're about as clueless as a box of rocks and will deny what you're saying until the cows come home.
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Old 06-20-2017, 01:05 PM
 
1,511 posts, read 1,249,239 times
Reputation: 1734
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
OP, I wonder...


Do you think maybe things could be better between you and your parents if you did some one-on-one things with them? Like ask your mom out for a spa day, or you and your boyfriend ask your mom and dad to dinner?


Some kind of situation where you can shine your own little light, and not have to compete with the boys?
I have dinner with them once a week. I do things with my mom once in a while also. Which leads to even MORE frustration. I'm the one that actually spends more quality time with them, but i am the one who gets cast aside. So at this point i think i'm better off actually cutting back on those things.
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Old 06-20-2017, 02:13 PM
 
Location: The Jar
20,058 posts, read 18,261,749 times
Reputation: 37120
OP, your story and situation is all too common. We human beings and parents are far too flawed. It's rare to find a family where everyone is favored and treated equal. After all, we all have favorite foods, favorite clothes,favorite movies, favorite pets, etc., etc.. And sadly, but similar most of us have a favorite aunt, child, family member. The thing that we should try to do is to not make our favoritism so obvious. It's about being tactful and thoughtful. It's about trying to be fair.
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