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Old 06-19-2017, 08:30 AM
 
1,395 posts, read 763,020 times
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Spending the day with my family yesterday for Father's day is really prompting me to post this... i will try to keep it short.

I'm the youngest and the only girl in my family with two older brothers. For whatever reason my brothers are "praised" a lot more than I am.. for all sorts of things. I think this has happened my whole life but now as an adult at 29 i think i'm starting to realize and notice it a lot more. For example - i could say that i did something over the weekend and i will get a mediocre response. my brothers could say they did the same exact thing and my parents will react as if it's the greatest thing ever. To add to this, my parents like my brother's significant others a lot more than they like my boyfriend. so same thing - i could say my boyfriend and i did something and it will be "meh", and if my brother and his wife say they did the same thing it's the greatest thing in the history of the world lol.

There were a bunch of different things yesterday that happened while we were all together that left me feeling SO crappy and upset. I don't want to go into it because it will be too long of a post - but one thing was about the card we got my dad. *I* picked out the card. my dad loved the card and thought it was funny. he says to my brother - where did you get the card from? he just assumed that my brother got it... i'm like no actually i got the card (this is just an example). Another thing was that i brought up an interesting fact as a topic of conversation that my dad was shocked by - a few hours go by and he brings it back up and thought that my brother was the one who stated the fact. so again i said "no that was me who mentioned that".

This seems to happen time and time again. I'll leave a family function feeling so unimportant and invisible and declare that i'm done with them to the point that i am in tears... but then a few days will go by and i get over it and the cycle repeats.

i don't know how to deal with this anymore. I always tell myself to be the bigger person and to just let it go but then i stop and think about how it's not fair to be treated like that. and now as an adult, i can make connections about how this has affected my personality all throughout my life.

has anyone ever dealt with this? i'm obviously not going to cut off my family and never speak to them again but i need a coping mechanism that's better than leave in tears every single time.
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Old 06-19-2017, 08:56 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,932 posts, read 17,236,141 times
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I am so sorry.

I have seen this happen in families where men are treated better than women.

I had a friend whose family carried it to the absolute extreme. The husband did not "allow" his wife to eat meals with him and their son (even when he was a young boy). She made the meals and served them "to the men" and then she ate by herself in the kitchen (and later cleaned up and did the dishes by herself). Needless to say the son grew up thinking that all women were second class citizens.

And, this was not an ignorant or immigrant family. Both were in America for several generations and both husband and wife were college graduates.
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:01 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
I am so sorry.

I have seen this happen in families where men are treated better than women.

I had a friend whose family carried it to the absolute extreme. The husband did not "allow" his wife to eat meals with him and their son (even when he was a young boy). She made the meals and served them "to the men" and then she ate by herself in the kitchen (and later cleaned up and did the dishes by herself). Needless to say the son grew up thinking that all women were second class citizens.

And, this was not an ignorant or immigrant family. Both were in America for several generations and both husband and wife were college graduates.
thanks for taking the time to read my post

I do wonder if it's just because i'm a girl. also i'm the youngest. so maybe when i was born my parents were just exhausted from raising 2 kids already so by the time i came around they just cared a lot less lol.

i am fortunate in that it is not as extreme as your friend's. and i will say my parents did a lot for me and all that stuff. but still hurts nonetheless.
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:12 AM
 
Location: equator
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This is so disheartening, OP. I really feel for you. Can you cut down the times you get together---or at least when your brother is also there? How often are you ALL together?


It probably IS the male-dominance thing, whether or not your father is aware. I rather doubt that talking to him would do any good---he probably wouldn't even recognize what you're talking about.


Since you asked, yes, I've experienced this but not so much with family. We are all girls.
But with other friends, this happens to me all the time. It is like being in high school.


The "cool" people can talk about what their cat did and people are hanging on their every word and acting impressed.


I might say I soloed an airplane over L.A. and it is dismissed and not commented on.


So yeah, I totally get it. I just tend to keep quiet after decades of this BS. I've never understood it....
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:13 AM
 
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Have you ever tried to talk to them about this?
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:15 AM
 
1,395 posts, read 763,020 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sand&Salt View Post
This is so disheartening, OP. I really feel for you. Can you cut down the times you get together---or at least when your brother is also there? How often are you ALL together?


It probably IS the male-dominance thing, whether or not your father is aware. I rather doubt that talking to him would do any good---he probably wouldn't even recognize what you're talking about.


Since you asked, yes, I've experienced this but not so much with family. We are all girls.
But with other friends, this happens to me all the time. It is like being in high school.


The "cool" people can talk about what their cat did and people are hanging on their every word and acting impressed.


I might say I soloed an airplane over L.A. and it is dismissed and not commented on.


So yeah, I totally get it. I just tend to keep quiet after decades of this BS. I've never understood it....

It helps to hear people understand to be honest.

Because I feel like if i told my parents about this and how i feel they'd spin it around on me and say i'm just insecure or something. or maybe i'm unhappy with my life so that's why it bothers me.

It feels good to hear that my feelings are at least real and valid, thanks
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:16 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Have you ever tried to talk to them about this?
No, actually in the post above i just said that i feel like if i talked to them about it that they would put it on me. that has happened once or twice before - like "oh well you must just be unhappy with something in your own life for that to bother you" or something along those lines.

But i'm at the point where i think i need to really like lay it out there for them. They are thinking of taking my grandma out to eat in two weeks and if my brother and my wife go i know it will be ALL about them. so i'm tempted to say listen i'm not coming and here's why.
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:20 AM
 
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Originally Posted by bell235 View Post
No, actually in the post above i just said that i feel like if i talked to them about it that they would put it on me. that has happened once or twice before - like "oh well you must just be unhappy with something in your own life for that to bother you" or something along those lines.

But i'm at the point where i think i need to really like lay it out there for them. They are thinking of taking my grandma out to eat in two weeks and if my brother and my wife go i know it will be ALL about them. so i'm tempted to say listen i'm not coming and here's why.
Dont bring it up with them again then. How about your brothers? Do they notice?
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:24 AM
 
1,395 posts, read 763,020 times
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Originally Posted by Tinawina View Post
Dont bring it up with them again then. How about your brothers? Do they notice?
I don't know. Probably not. I could ask them. They are a lot more unphased by my parents actions/words. but then again, they are treated better lol
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:30 AM
 
Location: SW MO
23,605 posts, read 31,397,991 times
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My parents doted on my 11 years younger brother and after he was born I became the invisible child. In a way, having the attention of my alcoholic parents diverted from me was a comfort. I simply accepted it and didn't dwell upon it. In time I became a commissioned officer in the military which should have made my Marine Corp, career officer father proud but it was barely acknowledged by my parents. Invisible indeed. As an adult I simply continued to accept it and filed it away. If you have no expectations you can never be disappointed.
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