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Old 06-20-2017, 04:33 PM
 
17,002 posts, read 20,679,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jowel View Post
OP, you're getting lots of advice telling you to definitely make the move.

While this may be okay, keep in mind that it's probably from the perspective of a very modernized Westernized mindset where families do move far off from each other to chase different aspects of life that they see as opportunities, because they get bored where they are, etc..

But whether this is a good move for your family is more complex than flippant statements that some have made like "your son is 21, not 11" or "cut the umbilical cord". There's nothing wrong with family wanting to live in close proximity to each other (maybe not always too close , but close enough for easy visits). There are plenty of history where families haven't been as nomadic as they are now, and there have been some pros and cons to both situatoins.

Can this allow people to pursue certain dreams that they have? Yes.
Can there be good reasons for making the move to pursue certain dreams? Yes.
Can they still maintain a close relationship? Yes.
Will the relationship be exactly the same as if you were living closer, and could visit more often? No, probably not.
Is this a good decision for everybody? Maybe, maybe not.
Is there a cost or downside involved, even if it is determined that the pros still outweigh the cons? Probably so.

For those who are lucky to have a good relationship with their families, wanting to stay in close contact even after the proverbial "umbilical cord" has been cut at 21, 31, 41, or 61 is nothing to be embarrassed about, whether you live a 5 or 5,000 miles away.

My only other thought (just my opinion) is that if you are expecting and wanting your son to visit often, there is a travel cost associated with that, and the person making the move should probably be the one to pick up the brunt of the expense and trouble to make that happen, especially if you are in a better time and money situation make that happen. I hear of people who move to faraway locations and then expect their children (who are likely on a tighter budget to pay for the travel and take time off work) to pay for expensive travel, airfare, etc. and that really does seem like a lot to expect.

Best wishes to you!
Did you miss this part? "College is close by (30 minutes), and he usually does not come home on weekends, but does for all the vacations".

So he could have lived at home and commuted very easily, or he could have come on weekends, or even one weekend a month.

He didn't do that, he only came home on extended vacations the way college kids who go to school on the other side of the country do. So clearly he didn't feel the need to visit often when he could. Including coming home on say a Tuesday for dinner. People who work do longer commutes than that twice a day.

The OP was already most likely paying for the room and board. Which I don't really get from an economic standpoint when the school is close by.

In another words the son didn't seem to be bothered not seeing his parents when he easily could have the last 3 years, so the parents moving away isn't really going to make that much of a difference. This isn't some kid who is super close to his parents and made frequent visits home when he easily could have.
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Old 06-20-2017, 04:54 PM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 20 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,487 posts, read 14,320,905 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
My comment was about these expenses NEXT YEAR after he graduates. Not during college.

Yes I know, I did it myself because my kid couldn't tolerate the obnoxious party dorm and wanted peace and quiet in an apartment.
Huh? What difference does it make whether he's still in college or has graduated? I didn't stop helping my kid just because he graduated, request for a little grocery money or help with the rent came trickling in occasionally for a few years even after he was working full time.
I don't see that as a reason to stay near your kids, in or out of school, if there are other reasons to move. I guess I'm missing your point?
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Old 06-20-2017, 05:56 PM
 
Location: Paranoid State
13,047 posts, read 10,439,740 times
Reputation: 15683
Two thoughts.

1) Before embarking on a house building project, I suggest you first purchase an hour of a construction defect attorney's time. Have him/her spend the first half hour telling you of the horror stories s/he's seen in residential construction defects. If you decide to go forward, then ask the attorney to tell you what you can do to legally protect yourself so you do not have a nightmare outcome.

2) Move down south. Don't guilt your son; he's a grown up now.
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Old 06-20-2017, 05:58 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
2,910 posts, read 2,014,986 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Did you miss this part? "College is close by (30 minutes), and he usually does not come home on weekends, but does for all the vacations".
That's a fair point, but it's quite possible that "coming home" to the OP means staying overnight on the weekends. Even if he's not doing that, it's possible that he is stopping by for a quick visit, but just staying at his college dorm. Or they both have the comfort and convenience of knowing each other is close by in case they need to see each other, which isn't possible if they are hours and hours apart.

Besides, in the OP's case, it sounds as if she may not want to move for other reasons as well, so there's that.
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:59 PM
 
6,848 posts, read 3,718,587 times
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He's 21 and about to graduate. He'll move out on his own anyway unless you keep tying those apron strings tighter trying to keep him at home. And if you do that, he'll probably just move across the country to escape. You're not abandoning him. You can still help if needed, but don't plan your life around what your ADULT son will do. Heck, by this time next year he could be on his way to LA with a new job.
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Old 06-20-2017, 10:25 PM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,542,431 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
And lots of college students find themselves back at home because they have montly student loan payments that are more than rent on a one bedroom apt. in their area.
That's what the JOB is for.

Roommates, weekend bartending, etc. That's how it's done. It's not like these loans were a big surprise. If families are making higher ed plans that include living with parents after graduation for years on end, that's ok I guess. But how common is that? It is still very possible to leave the nest after graduation even with debt. But you may have to relocate and work more than 40 hours a week. As has always been the case.

EDIT: Seain, my rant was not directed at your post. I have just seen this excuse sooo much. It hurts us as a society if our young people aren't going out into the world with solid life skills. and a sense of the sacrifices required when you are starting out and paying dues.

Last edited by zentropa; 06-20-2017 at 10:52 PM..
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:16 PM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,738 posts, read 9,030,452 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dogrunner View Post
DH and I bought a lot in a southern state a few years ago. The intent was to "some day" build a house on it. DH decided to take early retirement. He is 63. This is the scenario: DH's son (31) and DIL live in that same southern city/state with their young child, and they are about to have another child. DH's sister and BIL also live in the same city/state. DH and I have one bio son together. He is 21 and going into his senior year of college. We have talked to DS about possibly moving down south with us after college. He says no, that he likes New England too much. He also has close friends from high school who will probably return to the area after college, but who knows. DS has been interning for the past two summers at a company around here, and there's a good possibility they may offer him a job after college. But, who knows? DH and I are at odds right now. It would be different if DS had graduated college, had a job, had his own place or even had an apartment and lived with someone. But that is not the case.....at least, not now. I think DH is jumping the gun. I want to stay here in our own house for a few more years.....at least until I know DS is somewhat "settled." I should say that DS is very close to us and we have a good relationship. It would feel to me as if I were abandoning him.
It would not be as if we were a couple of hours away if anything went wrong. Being 22 and just graduating from college is not being 25 with a steady job and more friends.

Has anyone been in this situation? Recommendations? Suggestions?
Sounds like it's time for "dear son" to grow up. I'm not understanding the concern.
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Old 06-21-2017, 06:38 AM
 
12,705 posts, read 9,972,676 times
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I moved away from home for grad school at age 21, it was from Arkansas to Maryland, and ever since I have only been going back to visit 1-2 x per year, sometimes less. How is it so different if parents move away from adult kids vs. the other way 'round?

Would you call me a "runaway"?

If not, then would you still say that if my parents moved away, it would have been "abandonment"?
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Old 06-21-2017, 06:59 AM
 
3,914 posts, read 2,748,478 times
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There are grandchildren down south, plus other family members. That's a big plus. BTW, my husband and I don't differentiate between his kids/grandkids and my kids/grandkids, they are ours.

Waiting a few more years is missing the sweet time with the grandbabies. Your son is off doing his thing, building his future. He doesn't need you at this age as much as the other son with the small child and one on the way.

We have 5 grown children, in 4 different states. Just plan on plane trips to wherever he ends up living after college.

Does he plan on living in the dorm his senior year? I've never known anyone in college that stayed in the dorm that long. It's a good maturing experience to have an apartment, learning to pay rent, bills, living with roommates, cooking, etc.
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Old 06-21-2017, 10:18 AM
 
17,002 posts, read 20,679,321 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jowel View Post
That's a fair point, but it's quite possible that "coming home" to the OP means staying overnight on the weekends. Even if he's not doing that, it's possible that he is stopping by for a quick visit, but just staying at his college dorm. Or they both have the comfort and convenience of knowing each other is close by in case they need to see each other, which isn't possible if they are hours and hours apart.

Besides, in the OP's case, it sounds as if she may not want to move for other reasons as well, so there's that.

Very true. The OP does sound hesitant for other reasons as well. Which is understandable, because once you make a move like this if you find you don't like the new state, it's more difficult to undo. Personally I would rent for a year, see if you like the area like you thought than proceed with the house.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
That's what the JOB is for.

Roommates, weekend bartending, etc. That's how it's done. It's not like these loans were a big surprise. If families are making higher ed plans that include living with parents after graduation for years on end, that's ok I guess. But how common is that? It is still very possible to leave the nest after graduation even with debt. But you may have to relocate and work more than 40 hours a week. As has always been the case.

EDIT: Seain, my rant was not directed at your post. I have just seen this excuse sooo much. It hurts us as a society if our young people aren't going out into the world with solid life skills. and a sense of the sacrifices required when you are starting out and paying dues.
Agree with you, but many don't think about having to pay it back.

I know a young man who like the OP's son could have lived at home had to live in the dorm and than an apartment at a college that was already pricey. Now he did get a job out of college making $60K, however his student loan payment is a $1,000 a month( I about fell off my chair when he said that), and he will be doing this he said until he is around 30.

He also has a car note, so guess who he is living with? Mom and dad of course.
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