U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-21-2017, 10:32 AM
 
10,604 posts, read 14,220,217 times
Reputation: 17203

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
Huh? What difference does it make whether he's still in college or has graduated? I didn't stop helping my kid just because he graduated, request for a little grocery money or help with the rent came trickling in occasionally for a few years even after he was working full time.
I don't see that as a reason to stay near your kids, in or out of school, if there are other reasons to move. I guess I'm missing your point?
What's the reason to move?

The father's mid life crisis where he already screwed over the wife by taking penalized early retirement Social Security?

You don't think being in college is different than OUT OF COLLEGE after senior year having to set up the situation and support yourself?

HAHAHAHAHA OKAY.

I don't even know what YOU are talking about.

You jumped in to extract a comment I made about "I hope the father is willing to pony up $5K to set the son up if you're planning to pull the house out from under him.....

To tell me all about your kid. IDC, actually.

The son lives in a dorm. Paid by parents. Could even include meals.

It's not the same as finding a roommate and having to quickly set up an apartment and all the other things that go with that like CAR INSURANCE when the parents are in a big hurry to sell HIS HOME and move to another state.

Sure he could go with them. That IS NOT what she asked.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-21-2017, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Somewhere
1,389 posts, read 1,871,473 times
Reputation: 2712
I just get the feeling that you may be (even unbeknownst to you) using your son as an excuse as to why you shouldn't move now. If that is the case, you need to be honest with your husband about your OWN reservations for moving. However if the sole reason really is not wanting to move because of your son, please know that he will do just fine :-)

Your son is truly capable of taking care of himself at his age. Sometimes it's us parents who have the tough time letting go and allowing our children to flourish. Maybe I have a different view about this because at your son's age I had to actually quit college to raise a child on my own. Not because my parents weren't willing to help (in fact my Dad said that he would raise the child) it was because I felt I had to do it for my own sake and for my child's sake. Believe me where there is a will there is a way. It's not just a saying ;-)

As for my own children.... We moved clear across the country when my son was your son's age. He had no desire to move here. He has done very well for himself (is now married with one child) and still has no desire to leave California. I'm not saying it was easy for me to leave and yes, just like any parent, so many things went through my head but in the end he was an adult and at the age where HE was charting HIS own course.

Our daughter, who did move with us because she was still a minor, graduated college last year. Now she is moving away (took a new job in a new city) because she feels she needs to experience living in a new city on her own since she didn't go to college out of state. So you never know what your son will decide until he decides it :-)

To be honest at your son's age, even while attending college, he should probably be in his own apartment (not a dorm) learning how to slowly become self sufficient. We made sure our daughter lived in an apartment during that time so she could learn to live on her own. Although we paid for college and her housing and car expenses she had to work part time while in college to pay for all her "extra's" and boy did she like "extra's" so at times she had three part time jobs while taking on full course loads to pay for those things. When she decided she wanted to live in a different apartment that was more expensive....guess what she had to come up with the difference.

I also don't think letting children know that coming home and no job upon graduation is even an option. When your child knows they have options, the one's that haven't developed a sense of drive, determination and self sufficiency will always want to come back to the nest where it's comfortable. I didn't even have to tell my recent grad to look for jobs prior to graduation. She took it upon herself to start looking for a career and had several offers prior to her graduation day. She started her job immediately after graduation and has been 100% self sufficient since.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2017, 11:49 AM
Status: "could've~would've~should've used 'have', not 'of'" (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
10,511 posts, read 14,346,913 times
Reputation: 23384
Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
What's the reason to move?

The father's mid life crisis where he already screwed over the wife by taking penalized early retirement Social Security?

You don't think being in college is different than OUT OF COLLEGE after senior year having to set up the situation and support yourself?

HAHAHAHAHA OKAY.

I don't even know what YOU are talking about.

You jumped in to extract a comment I made about "I hope the father is willing to pony up $5K to set the son up if you're planning to pull the house out from under him.....

To tell me all about your kid. IDC, actually.

The son lives in a dorm. Paid by parents. Could even include meals.

It's not the same as finding a roommate and having to quickly set up an apartment and all the other things that go with that like CAR INSURANCE when the parents are in a big hurry to sell HIS HOME and move to another state.

Sure he could go with them. That IS NOT what she asked.
Actually, no I don't because their is no reason he can't set it up before he's out of school. Lot's of kids do. I suppose it's great if parents can be there to help out with getting and setting up a first apt, but not all kids need or even want that.
I bring up my kid because he's a real life example and not just me theorizing?
And I did not say he could with them, I said they could be his cushion, his back up if things go awry, a place to regroup and try again.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2017, 12:20 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,782,389 times
Reputation: 20540
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
^^^^this. The OP neglected to mention what the living arrangements currently are. Surprised no one asked this before you did.

If he is living at home and going to college, than yes it is unfair to pull the rug out from under him his last year in school. If he has been living in a dorm or in his own apartment the whole time that's a different story.
I was surprised no one asked where he lived! That was my first thought. Everything i would say depends on his living situation. It's not permanent, but it could be a couple of years. Give the kid a chance in life! He's made it this far. There's really no point in adding stress to his life if it's something that can wait. He's got a lot on his plate.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2017, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,782,389 times
Reputation: 20540
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogrunner View Post
Wow! Lots of opinions on this issue, which is a good thing.

To clarify, DS does live in the dorm at college. College is close by (30 minutes), and he usually does not come home on weekends, but does for all the vacations. He also lives here during the summer because the "internship" company is near his college (30 minutes). So, he would need another place to live (apartment/condo) because we would need to sell this house before moving south.

I am not talking about moving away the day DS graduates from college. Alot of things have to happen first (new house built, old house sold, DS must have job, etc.) A lot of things are not yet known, and I feel we can't move until certain things "are" known: where is DS working, where is DS living.....those two are the main ones.
Building in the South happens FAST! Nothing like building up North where it can take 20 years to get approval to build a shed....sure feels like it! We built a house in SC. From the day the lot was cleared to we closed and moved in was less than 4 months. We built in a development so permits and everything were fast tracked.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2017, 12:35 PM
 
Location: SW US
2,223 posts, read 2,039,757 times
Reputation: 3834
I find myself wondering if the US is the only country where it is considered virtuous to throw the kids out of the family home as soon as they finish school if not before?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2017, 12:40 PM
 
Location: Raleigh, North Carolina
2,095 posts, read 1,086,569 times
Reputation: 4033
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
I find myself wondering if the US is the only country where it is considered virtuous to throw the kids out of the family home as soon as they finish school if not before?
Or, you could look at it from another perspective. We have a large population who attend college to learn professional skills. There is an emphasis during this time to work towards lining up a job in the field of study so the graduate can immediately put those skills to use.

Does it work all of the time? No, but our culture is set to encourage graduates to find jobs. Many times, those jobs are not going to be available where they grew up, especially if they originated from a small town.

So, it's not the parents kicking out the kids. It's the kids turning into adults and looking to make their own way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2017, 12:57 PM
 
1,880 posts, read 1,342,583 times
Reputation: 1520
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogrunner View Post
DH and I bought a lot in a southern state a few years ago. The intent was to "some day" build a house on it. DH decided to take early retirement. He is 63. This is the scenario: DH's son (31) and DIL live in that same southern city/state with their young child, and they are about to have another child. DH's sister and BIL also live in the same city/state. DH and I have one bio son together. He is 21 and going into his senior year of college. We have talked to DS about possibly moving down south with us after college. He says no, that he likes New England too much. He also has close friends from high school who will probably return to the area after college, but who knows. DS has been interning for the past two summers at a company around here, and there's a good possibility they may offer him a job after college. But, who knows? DH and I are at odds right now. It would be different if DS had graduated college, had a job, had his own place or even had an apartment and lived with someone. But that is not the case.....at least, not now. I think DH is jumping the gun. I want to stay here in our own house for a few more years.....at least until I know DS is somewhat "settled." I should say that DS is very close to us and we have a good relationship. It would feel to me as if I were abandoning him.
It would not be as if we were a couple of hours away if anything went wrong. Being 22 and just graduating from college is not being 25 with a steady job and more friends.

Has anyone been in this situation? Recommendations? Suggestions?
Last time I checked a 21 year old is able to buy alcohol by their self, vote, join the military, etc...Basically, he is an adult.

Let him make his own decisions. Time to understand, your "baby" is no longer a baby.

He's an adult.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2017, 01:03 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,703 posts, read 4,433,594 times
Reputation: 11722
JMHO; I would plan the move and start building the house. By the time the house is ready your son should just about be finished with college. Then it will be his choice to join you guys -- if only for a while -- or settle into a new place of his own locally.

When it was time to flee the nest, my kids left me; I didn't leave them. Had they not launched, I might have taken other actions. Maybe even pushed them out of the nest a bit. But 21 years old can be someone ready to start his own company, someone still needing a lot of guidance, someone very immature. Just because he is 21 doesn't really mean alot. Only you know. At 21, I was independent and mature. At 21, my brother was pretty much an older teenager.

Your son is 90% launched. I wouldn't screw up all the good parenting at this point by leaving if you feel he needs you to be local for under a year longer. But of course you might think about going once the house is ready and making airplane tickets available for him to come whenever he wants. And of course you would make it crystal clear how much you want him to visit or move to the new area.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-21-2017, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,034 posts, read 21,767,703 times
Reputation: 22250
Your son is 21, he is an adult, I get the concern 100%! However I think your husband is right.

My parents did this to me when I was in my senior year of college. I was living at home, and they decided to move to another state. I got an apartment, finished college and made my way.

Your son will be fine!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:25 AM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top