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Old 06-21-2017, 03:42 PM
Location: Paranoid State
13,047 posts, read 10,439,740 times
Reputation: 15683


Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
I find myself wondering if the US is the only country where it is considered virtuous to throw the kids out of the family home as soon as they finish school if not before?
In most other countries, the kids are no longer kids by the time they are 16. They are adults. So, you are not "throwing the kids out;" you are "throwing the adults out."
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Old 06-21-2017, 03:51 PM
564 posts, read 296,430 times
Reputation: 1155
Lots of sorry, angry people show up in many threads here. One must know the OP personally, as he/she states DH screwed OP by taking SS early. No reference to SS in the OP's post, only to early retirement.
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Old 06-21-2017, 03:55 PM
6,844 posts, read 3,716,925 times
Reputation: 18083
Originally Posted by runswithscissors View Post
What's the reason to move?

The father's mid life crisis where he already screwed over the wife by taking penalized early retirement Social Security?

You don't think being in college is different than OUT OF COLLEGE after senior year having to set up the situation and support yourself?


I don't even know what YOU are talking about.

You jumped in to extract a comment I made about "I hope the father is willing to pony up $5K to set the son up if you're planning to pull the house out from under him.....

To tell me all about your kid. IDC, actually.

The son lives in a dorm. Paid by parents. Could even include meals.

It's not the same as finding a roommate and having to quickly set up an apartment and all the other things that go with that like CAR INSURANCE when the parents are in a big hurry to sell HIS HOME and move to another state.

Sure he could go with them. That IS NOT what she asked.
You seem really emotional about this. Even to the extent of bad mouthing the husband (whom we know nothing about) with a midlife crisis and "screwed over the wife" by taking early retirement. How does his retirement screw her over? Then you seem to think the son is a baby unable to care for himself after college. He'll do what most college grads do -- move out and get a job. There is no problem to be solved here other than whether the parents want to move or not for their own sakes.
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Old 06-21-2017, 04:58 PM
Location: OHIO
2,353 posts, read 1,078,278 times
Reputation: 5398
If he can find a job that pays enough to pay rent and all his bills he will be fine. Will he have student loans to repay? If not, he will be in an even better position than most. If he doesn't work now, maybe he should start so he can start saving something. He lives in a dorm even though it's only 30 mins from home. It would save so much money to live at home, but he wants his independence enough to live in the dorms...so I think he aspires to be on his own. That's good, but it will just be something he will have to work for.

I had to live at home after college. This form never fails to make me feel like a failure for it, but I couldn't afford rent around here. And yes, I held 3 jobs. I had nobody to share rent with, oil and gas made prices stupid high, so home was where I had to be. It wasn't a huge deal. In fact, I still live at "home" because our parents divorced and my brother and I got the house to do as we please. I lucked out, as it's still much cheaper than rent.

He still has time to get a plan in place, so let him try. You have a good relationship with him so I'm sure he knows if he really needs you, that you will be there for him.
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Old 06-21-2017, 09:06 PM
51,928 posts, read 41,798,494 times
Reputation: 32398
Originally Posted by dogrunner View Post
DH and I bought a lot in a southern state a few years ago. The intent was to "some day" build a house on it. DH decided to take early retirement. He is 63. This is the scenario: DH's son (31) and DIL live in that same southern city/state with their young child, and they are about to have another child. DH's sister and BIL also live in the same city/state. DH and I have one bio son together. He is 21 and going into his senior year of college. We have talked to DS about possibly moving down south with us after college. He says no, that he likes New England too much. He also has close friends from high school who will probably return to the area after college, but who knows. DS has been interning for the past two summers at a company around here, and there's a good possibility they may offer him a job after college. But, who knows? DH and I are at odds right now. It would be different if DS had graduated college, had a job, had his own place or even had an apartment and lived with someone. But that is not the case.....at least, not now. I think DH is jumping the gun. I want to stay here in our own house for a few more years.....at least until I know DS is somewhat "settled." I should say that DS is very close to us and we have a good relationship. It would feel to me as if I were abandoning him.
It would not be as if we were a couple of hours away if anything went wrong. Being 22 and just graduating from college is not being 25 with a steady job and more friends.

Has anyone been in this situation? Recommendations? Suggestions?
When I was 22 I lived hours away from my parents in a new city with few\no friends.

Dang, it's not like the kid is 17-18.

Ask them how they feel but frankly you sound like you're mollycoddling him.

If they can't swing this at 22 then god help them with life.
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Old 06-21-2017, 10:23 PM
2,347 posts, read 1,453,659 times
Reputation: 3112
I moved to another state a few days' drive away and started my life at 21. He will be fine. He's in college. He can come visit you during breaks if he wants. Go. Enjoy.
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Old 06-22-2017, 06:47 AM
Location: MA/NH
17,141 posts, read 34,638,441 times
Reputation: 16241
I was fine at 22 living in an apartment share and working. He needs this, if you want him to develop into a full functioning and productive adult. Sure, he may have missteps and some bad roommates, but how else will he learn to make better choices?
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Old 06-22-2017, 07:44 AM
Location: Winterpeg
882 posts, read 336,293 times
Reputation: 3706
How does your son feel about you potentially moving? He might be way less anxious about it than you sound like you are. Which is very anxious. It makes sense to me to move closer to the more settled son and his family. Your young son might end up living who knows where.

My parents moved from my hometown while I was out travelling when I was 18. I went to where they moved for a while, then made my own life.

My husband and I moved 2500km the weekend after our daughter graduated high school, at just turned 17. She stayed behind and lived with a friend's family to do her summer job, then joined us. After 4 years, she decided she wanted to go back to her hometown, and that's where she is now one year later.

She's had bad roommates, and money troubles, and school troubles, and boy troubles, but she's figuring that all out. With some help from us. We didn't stop being her parents, but we brought her up with the tools to fly the nest, and she has. We're proud of her.
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Old 06-22-2017, 09:11 AM
Location: Saint John, IN
11,043 posts, read 3,989,022 times
Reputation: 13557
If he's living away at college I don't see a problem. If he has no where to go on break than he must go wherever you are or work and get an apartment. Maybe with a roommate. He'll be fine! I both worked and went to college full-time. Plus no one paid for my schooling. I got my own apartment and was just fine. It's not easy and he'll have limited time to do anything besides work and school, but that will also keep him out of trouble! He's an adult, go and enjoy your life!
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Old 06-22-2017, 12:40 PM
2,381 posts, read 1,213,307 times
Reputation: 5127
And people complain about Millennials not being self-sufficient or knowing how to do adult things...Ever wonder why? I am sure there are at least a dozen rants on this right now in this very forum. Aren't Millennials learning that behavior somewhere? If never forced to try out life skills, how on earth are they supposed to learn?

OP, as many have said, its time to let that baby bird learn to fly. Move! No reason to be at odds with your husband. He's right.

Think of your own youth and the youth of your parents. What were they doing at 22? What were you? Why is childhood now extended to 30? Is it because the parents can't let go of that phase or because the kids lack confidence in their survival skills? Or is it both?

As someone who has paid their own way since they were 17 and done just fine, I think you need to let your years of parenting be tested by your ADULT child's foray into the real world. If you taught him well, he will be fine. But you will never know if you don't give him that opportunity.
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