U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-20-2017, 07:29 AM
 
11 posts, read 16,613 times
Reputation: 15

Advertisements

DH and I bought a lot in a southern state a few years ago. The intent was to "some day" build a house on it. DH decided to take early retirement. He is 63. This is the scenario: DH's son (31) and DIL live in that same southern city/state with their young child, and they are about to have another child. DH's sister and BIL also live in the same city/state. DH and I have one bio son together. He is 21 and going into his senior year of college. We have talked to DS about possibly moving down south with us after college. He says no, that he likes New England too much. He also has close friends from high school who will probably return to the area after college, but who knows. DS has been interning for the past two summers at a company around here, and there's a good possibility they may offer him a job after college. But, who knows? DH and I are at odds right now. It would be different if DS had graduated college, had a job, had his own place or even had an apartment and lived with someone. But that is not the case.....at least, not now. I think DH is jumping the gun. I want to stay here in our own house for a few more years.....at least until I know DS is somewhat "settled." I should say that DS is very close to us and we have a good relationship. It would feel to me as if I were abandoning him.
It would not be as if we were a couple of hours away if anything went wrong. Being 22 and just graduating from college is not being 25 with a steady job and more friends.

Has anyone been in this situation? Recommendations? Suggestions?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-20-2017, 07:58 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,592 posts, read 17,582,380 times
Reputation: 27682
I was in something similar a decade ago as the son still in college.

Dad was laid off from his manufacturing job when he was 50 and I was 21-22, finishing college, at home some but not all the time. He found a job, but his pay was cut by about 40%. He didn't want to leave because I was still in college and he claimed his parents were "old" (they were early 70s and healthy then).

Ten years later, he's never made it back to what he was making before, his parents really are old now (in their early 80s with some problems), and I've spent most of the last five years living in the Midwest because I couldn't find a decent job here in Tennessee. They decided to "dig into" a struggling area after their salaries and job security declined, largely based on family factors that either weren't even a problem then (the parents) or changed in a few years anyway (me moving to the Midwest due to the bad local economy). It's been a hard decade for them. If they had left a decade ago to a healthier area, they would be in a lot better shape now.

Your son will learn to adapt. At 21, you are an adult and should be capable of doing your daily business without assistance. If you can and want to help him with an apartment or other expenses until he gets a job, that's fine. If you want to move south and it's reasonable to do so now otherwise, I would go ahead and go now. The thing is that the more you delay, the more life will happen and the more likely it is you just stay in place.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2017, 08:01 AM
 
Location: Sierra Nevada Land, CA
8,401 posts, read 9,148,021 times
Reputation: 13037
I hear your concerns. But your son is an adult and is old enough to make his own decisions. How is this different than him going to a college 500 miles away from home?

A second thought is are you building your life around your son?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2017, 08:06 AM
 
3,918 posts, read 2,751,761 times
Reputation: 7216
It sounds like a perfect time to move. After college, no one in my family moved back home, we all had jobs while in college and apartments and wanted to be independent. It's a good incentive for him to make plans for his future.

You're not abandoning him, you are helping him leave the nest. He can always come live with you in the new house if he has to. You can help him prepare for life as a young responsible adult by showing him how much he needs to save to get that first apartment and car when he graduates.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2017, 08:07 AM
 
5,397 posts, read 6,538,749 times
Reputation: 10472
My advice is that you have to let them go sometime. It sounds like your son has a good life path set

As to whether you and husband move south, it may not be the right time for you but right for him. Or it may be that you move and along with the many return halfway or back home when the new wears off. Or he may get down there and not like it.

Just saying these are two different issues. And they need to be worked separately

Good luck. You all are facing hard decisions
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2017, 08:27 AM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,549,344 times
Reputation: 37906
Time to go do your own thing. My daughter just finished her freshman year in college 1,000 miles away and she told me to take my empty nest anywhere I want to and not worry about her. She has moved out and will likely continue to live in the town where her college is.

What is your son's viewpoint? Go with whatever he says and believe him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2017, 08:35 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,056 posts, read 17,369,523 times
Reputation: 41499
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr5150 View Post
I hear your concerns. But your son is an adult and is old enough to make his own decisions. How is this different than him going to a college 500 miles away from home?

A second thought is are you building your life around your son?
I agree.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG View Post
It sounds like a perfect time to move. After college, no one in my family moved back home, we all had jobs while in college and apartments and wanted to be independent. It's a good incentive for him to make plans for his future.

You're not abandoning him, you are helping him leave the nest. He can always come live with you in the new house if he has to. You can help him prepare for life as a young responsible adult by showing him how much he needs to save to get that first apartment and car when he graduates.
I agree.

Now, it would be different if your son had just graduated from HS a week ago, or a few weeks ago, and was living at home without a job or without plans for college or additional schooling, but that is not the case. Let him grow up.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2017, 09:20 AM
 
Location: Pennsylvania
1,653 posts, read 1,232,400 times
Reputation: 6066
And people wonder why 20 somethings have a hard time adjusting to being an adult. He's not a toddler, let him go. He sounds like he's less worried about it than you are. You have to cut the apron strings sooner or later.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2017, 09:31 AM
 
9,819 posts, read 5,020,682 times
Reputation: 33944
"There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings."

Time to give your son his wings.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-20-2017, 10:05 AM
 
715 posts, read 492,634 times
Reputation: 984
Quote:
Originally Posted by dogrunner View Post
DH and I bought a lot in a southern state a few years ago. The intent was to "some day" build a house on it. DH decided to take early retirement. He is 63. This is the scenario: DH's son (31) and DIL live in that same southern city/state with their young child, and they are about to have another child. DH's sister and BIL also live in the same city/state. DH and I have one bio son together. He is 21 and going into his senior year of college. We have talked to DS about possibly moving down south with us after college. He says no, that he likes New England too much. He also has close friends from high school who will probably return to the area after college, but who knows. DS has been interning for the past two summers at a company around here, and there's a good possibility they may offer him a job after college. But, who knows? DH and I are at odds right now. It would be different if DS had graduated college, had a job, had his own place or even had an apartment and lived with someone. But that is not the case.....at least, not now. I think DH is jumping the gun. I want to stay here in our own house for a few more years.....at least until I know DS is somewhat "settled." I should say that DS is very close to us and we have a good relationship. It would feel to me as if I were abandoning him.
It would not be as if we were a couple of hours away if anything went wrong. Being 22 and just graduating from college is not being 25 with a steady job and more friends.
Has anyone been in this situation? Recommendations? Suggestions?

Well, it's gonna take you a year to 'build' anyway, so do that and sell/move in a year AS he is graduating college. perfect plan.

abandoning him? If he's 22 with a degree & internship/job, apartment, and can't buy his own plane ticket (to come visit) then you haven't done a good job raising him!! (I'd rather think you have- GO enjoy retirement!!!)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top