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So young to have faced cancer and to not have loving support from your pArents is despicable. I had the same lack of compassion or support from my mother and sadly my daughter ( alas she is as narcissistic as her grandmother) as I dealt with breast cancer last year. Fortunately I had come to terms with the estrangement from both of them and so their lack of support did not surprise me or hurt me, as much as harden my disgust and contempt for them.
To the op I wish I could say there is hope but for us there is not, we accept it.
Healing message from Jeff Brown:
It's amazing how much energy we can channel into chasing love and approval from those who cannot offer it. It’s like the self-concept gets enmeshed with the wrong people- the neglectful ones, the abusive ones, the ones who have yet to move from love.
And then the mesh turns into a prison, locking us inside of our own longing, waiting for a liberator that will never come. Because some people cannot love- they just can’t. Some people cannot stop taking their misery out on others, and locking you in with their unresolved pain.
The greatest act of self- love is to let them slip back into their darkness, and to walk towards your own light. It doesn't matter who they are- parents, siblings, partners, colleagues. Let them go. Grant yourself permission to be loved.
Begin with those who recognize your value, begin in the mirror. Stay there until you see what has always been true. There's a lighthouse in your soul, shining bright through your divine countenance. Look close, closer, closest, until you see... you.
Spuggy, I loved that Jeff Brown message. Thank you so much for sharing that!
You said you went thru the cancer last year, so here's to you, a survivor (hugs)
A technique which might perhaps be of use to someone in this thread is something I have used a number of times and each time it seems to work effectively, for me anyway. Maybe it will for you too.
I believe it is an old occult practice, but because it is based on the assumption that we are all connected somehow to each other, I am happy to use it in my life. Obviously you have to decide for yourself whether you use it or not, but do not be put off by the way I have descibed it as 'occult'.
'occult' just means uncommon or hidden knowledge.
The technique is used when we encounter 'difficult' people, situations or when we feel animosity towards others or they feel animosity towards us. If in doubt try it. It could be a work colleague who is always mean and nasty or it might be a family situation which has blown up, or a neighbour who is acting "unresonably". I think it probably depends on whether we genuinely want to make the situation better or not, and I suspect it may work on a soul-to-soul level, but I dont know.
This technique consists of thinking of the challenging situation you are in, genuinely wanting a resolution which is a win-win for everyone concerned. Then you say to yourself "I salute and recognize the Spark of God within you" three times while continuing to hold the situation in mind. Just do this procedure once, repeating the phrase 3x should be enough to set it working. It should work fairly quickly, days or a week or two not months.
It does not have to be that particular phrase (if you dont believe in God for example), but the essence of it is to acknowledge that we are all connected energetically at some deep level and what hurts one person, hurts the other and you wish for a satisfactory resolution.
Each time I have used it, it has worked for me. It may not be the exact way I envisioned it working, but the situation has become 1000 times better each time.
My son has came back into our life. He has left the wife and filed for divorce. The emotions are off the chart. Instead of complete happiness there is much sadness seeing how he's in such a hard time in his life. We always knew he would not be in our life as long as he was in that family and we were spot on. He came back once and the wife pulled him back and so we are 'walking on egg shells' watching and not trusting him. They are still in close contact and she is still pulling at him to go back, so we will see. But it's Christmas and it's hard around here, when we want to be celebrating- he is moping. He has a job and is trying. Only time will tell if he makes it. I wonder if we ever fully can trust them after they have cut us off once.
An update;
things are still tender. The divorce is set for end of march but we are curious if he will go thru with it. He is not the son we knew when he left. I guess he couldnt be, he is now part of the family he lived with for all those years. It seems he picked up all the bad habits and forgot the good ones.. Well that may be an exaggeration but not much. When I look back at the first picture we took of our reunion, I shudder thinking how little I knew of what was ahead. I want to relax in our family and cannot. I hope he goes thru the divorce and then maybe he can move ahead with his life.
Anyone that has been reunited please let me know if you find this true. I want to know how long you were estranged.
Thank you so much.
My son has came back into our life. He has left the wife and filed for divorce. The emotions are off the chart. Instead of complete happiness there is much sadness seeing how he's in such a hard time in his life. We always knew he would not be in our life as long as he was in that family and we were spot on. He came back once and the wife pulled him back and so we are 'walking on egg shells' watching and not trusting him. They are still in close contact and she is still pulling at him to go back, so we will see. But it's Christmas and it's hard around here, when we want to be celebrating- he is moping. He has a job and is trying. Only time will tell if he makes it. I wonder if we ever fully can trust them after they have cut us off once.
Wow, this sounds very much like my situation, except that my son, after pulling away from his very controlling and manipulative wife, was pulled back when she "got sick" all of a sudden, and he is back in her clutches now. We have not heard from him since Christmas day of 2016. All emails, texts and phone calls are ignored. She was successful in getting him to cut ties with his father eight years ago, and now she has successfully cut him off from me, his sister, his grandparents, and a very large extended family with whom he had very close relationships.
We know we will not see or hear from him again until/unless he gets up enough self-esteem to try to leave her again, but he is bipolar and she uses that to keep him under her thumb. She treats him horribly, belittles him, cheats on him, but convinces him that the abuse is his fault. Basically, he fits the pattern of an abused spouse, right down to the isolation from family and friends. It breaks my heart, but there's nothing we can do until/unless he decides he wants to reconnect.
The saddest part is that when he did leave her in the fall of '16, he came to stay with me and he was so happy. He, too, had filed for divorce. He said he felt like a huge weight had been removed from his shoulders. He was planning his future and was so full of hope. Then she "got sick" and needed him, and he disappeared into her clutches once again and has not been heard from since.
I am so happy that you were able to reconnect with your son, Mary Beth. Your story gives me hope.
Edited to add: I just saw your update above. I hope for your sake he goes through with the divorce and can make a real break from her. Hang in there and please keep us updated on what happens.
Oh my gosh, Jams... our stories are so similar!!! I can see this woman doing the same to my son. She has him believing she is a saint and he should be happy she'll even talk to him! She is still pulling her strings, so until the divorce happens.... ?
You know Jams, I bet you raised your son like I did mine, with self esteem.. so how these controlling women able to do this, I'll never understand.
Oh my gosh, Jams... our stories are so similar!!! I can see this woman doing the same to my son. She has him believing she is a saint and he should be happy she'll even talk to him! She is still pulling her strings, so until the divorce happens.... ?
You know Jams, I bet you raised your son like I did mine, with self esteem.. so how these controlling women able to do this, I'll never understand.
Yes, my DIL is the same. She has my son convinced that he was lucky to marry her; that no one else would have him. The thing is, my son is (or was, when he met her) very outgoing and personable, and had a large group of friends. She had no friends when they met, and over the 14 years they've been together, my son has cut ties to every one of them because his wife would claim they didn't like her or were disrespectful to her. Whatever the reason, it was always about her. Several of them have contacted me or my ex-husband over the years to ask what's going on with him; why he won't return their calls.
I'm afraid she is going to wear him down so completely there will be nothing left of him when she's done. And the worst part is knowing you are powerless to do anything about it.
Your story gives me hope. Thanks for that. It's been a long time since I felt any.
Yes, my DIL is the same. She has my son convinced that he was lucky to marry her; that no one else would have him. The thing is, my son is (or was, when he met her) very outgoing and personable, and had a large group of friends. She had no friends when they met, and over the 14 years they've been together, my son has cut ties to every one of them because his wife would claim they didn't like her or were disrespectful to her. Whatever the reason, it was always about her. Several of them have contacted me or my ex-husband over the years to ask what's going on with him; why he won't return their calls.
I'm afraid she is going to wear him down so completely there will be nothing left of him when she's done. And the worst part is knowing you are powerless to do anything about it.
Your story gives me hope. Thanks for that. It's been a long time since I felt any.
Same story here! This woman cut my son away from all his old friends and family. Until he left her we had not seen or heard from him. I dont want you to get your hopes up yet because she is pulling him back and they are not divorced yet. Please say a prayer for us, and I will for you.
Healing message from Jeff Brown:
It's amazing how much energy we can channel into chasing love and approval from those who cannot offer it. It’s like the self-concept gets enmeshed with the wrong people- the neglectful ones, the abusive ones, the ones who have yet to move from love.
And then the mesh turns into a prison, locking us inside of our own longing, waiting for a liberator that will never come. Because some people cannot love- they just can’t. Some people cannot stop taking their misery out on others, and locking you in with their unresolved pain.
The greatest act of self- love is to let them slip back into their darkness, and to walk towards your own light. It doesn't matter who they are- parents, siblings, partners, colleagues. Let them go. Grant yourself permission to be loved.
Begin with those who recognize your value, begin in the mirror. Stay there until you see what has always been true. There's a lighthouse in your soul, shining bright through your divine countenance. Look close, closer, closest, until you see... you.
Thanks for posting this quote. Reading it hit home and I had a sudden epiphany about estrangement that's made me see things in a different light. Things make more sense now.
I bumped into this post today .. which I think is not a coincidence.
I ceased all contacts with my immediate family about two years ago. I progressively stopped taking their calls until one day I didn't take them at all. The last call I had was when I was undergoing an emergency (knowing that I live in a different country only accessible to them via plane) and requested 200 quids, and they told me more or less "no" then bragged a week later about buying a car to my brother. That was the nail in the coffin to me.
Anyway. This came after years and years of physical and emotional abuse which I do not care to disclose any further.
I have since forgiven them, understood their perspective, but have chosen to live my life for myself.
I have three younger siblings. Two teenage sisters and a brother in his twenties. My brother and I never really had a close relationship, so I didn't expect him to reach out although he underwent about a year and a half of not talking to one of my parents.
My younger siblings who are still in school are the ones I worry about the most, since I'm their big sister and I was supposed to be there for them. About two days ago, one of them reached out to me and I didn't know how to explain to her what happened. It's a tough subject. She saw what happened and I guess she understands the pain I was in. Nonetheless, we're talking like no time has passed.
I'm feeling like I'm walking on eggshells a bit, because although I'm incredibly happy to be talking to my sister again, I'm afraid of what my parents are going to think given I have no contact with them. That said, I'm not forced to contact them if I'm not ready.
To be fair, I felt a huge void when I had isolated myself from all family members. We've only reconnected two days ago, but I feel as though something has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter and a bit less "vulnerable" or closed off. We'll see what happens. I know where my boundaries lie with specific family members.
I bumped into this post today .. which I think is not a coincidence.
I ceased all contacts with my immediate family about two years ago. I progressively stopped taking their calls until one day I didn't take them at all. The last call I had was when I was undergoing an emergency (knowing that I live in a different country only accessible to them via plane) and requested 200 quids, and they told me more or less "no" then bragged a week later about buying a car to my brother. That was the nail in the coffin to me.
Anyway. This came after years and years of physical and emotional abuse which I do not care to disclose any further.
I have since forgiven them, understood their perspective, but have chosen to live my life for myself.
I have three younger siblings. Two teenage sisters and a brother in his twenties. My brother and I never really had a close relationship, so I didn't expect him to reach out although he underwent about a year and a half of not talking to one of my parents.
My younger siblings who are still in school are the ones I worry about the most, since I'm their big sister and I was supposed to be there for them. About two days ago, one of them reached out to me and I didn't know how to explain to her what happened. It's a tough subject. She saw what happened and I guess she understands the pain I was in. Nonetheless, we're talking like no time has passed.
I'm feeling like I'm walking on eggshells a bit, because although I'm incredibly happy to be talking to my sister again, I'm afraid of what my parents are going to think given I have no contact with them. That said, I'm not forced to contact them if I'm not ready.
To be fair, I felt a huge void when I had isolated myself from all family members. We've only reconnected two days ago, but I feel as though something has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel lighter and a bit less "vulnerable" or closed off. We'll see what happens. I know where my boundaries lie with specific family members.
Philly, your parents sound like they are related to my parents! My sister and I have talked about how we went over board (the doting parents) to our kids because we had such a cold hearted mother. Somehow she missed the , oh what's the word, where when a child hurts-a parents hurts, gene. My heart goes out to you and am so glad you have united with your sister. Surely your sister knows how your parents are too. I bet when you have children you will be the loving understanding mom, if you are not already!
-hugs
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