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I want to respectfully submit that for son, his living at home is an admission of failure and loss. You don’t move back with parents triumphantly. You move back because you have no other choice. The fact that son is still pretty aloof tells me that he is not reconciled to parents, and is possibly unhappy being there.
Yes, perhaps that is it, and he is only here because he has to be. That is what it feels like too, but I am so happy he is back in our life.. We all fail and mess up. I hope he can forgive himself and love again. I know I just want to hug him and love him so much. I missed him and am so happy he is back in our life.
I am glad it works for you. It sounds like it works for you and your sister. I dont know, I thought family was forever, but it's not reality I guess.
Genetically speaking we are!
The world is full of examples where relationships within a family fall apart, never to be put back together. Intact families are lovely and that should be what we all strive for, but as you say, it's not a reality for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons, not all of which are within anyone particular person's control.
Sometimes all we get to choose is how we react to something.
The world is full of examples where relationships within a family fall apart, never to be put back together. Intact families are lovely and that should be what we all strive for, but as you say, it's not a reality for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons, not all of which are within anyone particular person's control.
Sometimes all we get to choose is how we react to something.
You are so right, and that's what I'm struggling with right now, how to react.. You all have helped me see this situation from my son's point i.e. that he is embarrassed to have failed at a marriage, moving back in with folks.. etc... now I need to know how to handle myself with this new understanding. To me I could not see past the fact my son was out of that web of a mess, and home with family that loves him so much. Having to hold in my happiness is hard I can tell you, but knowing more of how he is feeling and what he is going thru helps. Thank you.. and thank you all so much!
You know...when I was getting divorced from my first husband, me and my kids moved back in with my parents.
It was hard. I'm the oldest child, and the first (and so far, only) sibling to get a divorce. I felt very much the failure. I failed at my marriage, and I failed at adulting, and I was failing at parenting. All evidenced by having to move back into my parents home.
It's really hard to move back. I had to subjugate my independence, I had to follow their rules...which...it wasn't hard to do so, but it grated sometimes...just relinquishing my independence. My parental decisions were always run past my parents, and they took on more responsibilities toward my kids than most grandparents have to. So, I know it was hard on them too.
And then there was just all the feelings of rejection and sadness and loss I was dealing with too.
Things DID get better. I'm eternally grateful my parents were there for us. I don't know how my kids would've turned out, without them. And I have pretty awesome kids. (They're not kids anymore...they're adults. But they're both neat people.)
You are so right, and that's what I'm struggling with right now, how to react.. You all have helped me see this situation from my son's point i.e. that he is embarrassed to have failed at a marriage, moving back in with folks.. etc... now I need to know how to handle myself with this new understanding. To me I could not see past the fact my son was out of that web of a mess, and home with family that loves him so much. Having to hold in my happiness is hard I can tell you, but knowing more of how he is feeling and what he is going thru helps. Thank you.. and thank you all so much!
I think just treating him as an equal, as a functioning adult with dignity is the proper path. Don’t ask prying questions, for one thing.
I do think you don’t want him to feel judged. But accept any help he offers as if, of course he would be helping. In other words don’t be overly effusive in your thanks.
In my experience though, sons and mothers might not be close as adults. Sometimes they are and sometimes they aren’t. You might never have the degree of closeness you want. As parents of adult children, we have to accept this. I think we have to respect our children’s boundaries, just as we expect them to respect ours. I understand the strength of your love for your son. I respect it. But often we, as parents, do not receive back all that we have given. I don’t know how to make this different. I only know it is often true.
You know...when I was getting divorced from my first husband, me and my kids moved back in with my parents.
It was hard. I'm the oldest child, and the first (and so far, only) sibling to get a divorce. I felt very much the failure. I failed at my marriage, and I failed at adulting, and I was failing at parenting. All evidenced by having to move back into my parents home.
It's really hard to move back. I had to subjugate my independence, I had to follow their rules...which...it wasn't hard to do so, but it grated sometimes...just relinquishing my independence. My parental decisions were always run past my parents, and they took on more responsibilities toward my kids than most grandparents have to. So, I know it was hard on them too.
And then there was just all the feelings of rejection and sadness and loss I was dealing with too.
Things DID get better. I'm eternally grateful my parents were there for us. I don't know how my kids would've turned out, without them. And I have pretty awesome kids. (They're not kids anymore...they're adults. But they're both neat people.)
I am so sorry you went thru that and so glad it did get better, but thank you for sharing this. I was just so happy my estranged 'only' child came back in my life I didnt see this side. To me, that relationship that took him away from his whole family, was a mistake and this was a great thing him coming out of it.. You have made me see his side and I thank you so much!
I think just treating him as an equal, as a functioning adult with dignity is the proper path. Don’t ask prying questions, for one thing.
I do think you don’t want him to feel judged. But accept any help he offers as if, of course he would be helping. In other words don’t be overly effusive in your thanks.
In my experience though, sons and mothers might not be close as adults. Sometimes they are and sometimes they aren’t. You might never have the degree of closeness you want. As parents of adult children, we have to accept this. I think we have to respect our children’s boundaries, just as we expect them to respect ours. I understand the strength of your love for your son. I respect it. But often we, as parents, do not receive back all that we have given. I don’t know how to make this different. I only know it is often true.
I do believe what you say is true because this is how it is here now. I keep my distance (it has hurt when I tried to get to close) and I stay out of his way, as much as possible. He will leave again as soon as he is on his feet but I dont want him estranged again. If this is it, then I accept it to have him in my life.
I have friends that are so close to their children, and they say things to them, and treat them in ways that I shudder over.. knowing my son would never let me do any of that. It's sad to me, when I love him so much, that we cant be close, but that is his decision and I have to accept this.
Thank you.
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