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Update on son returning.
The son I mourned for all the years of estrangement seems gone, so to speak. It's going on a year now and every day
is still a struggle. I really do feel like the bond, or love, is broken and if his dad or I dont walk on eggs shells he would leave again. It's not a comfortable relationship. The fear of losing him again is awful. He is divorced but still holds on tight to his x and she still controls him. He is quick to jump me, which is something my old son would never have done. I have to watch what I say and how I say it.
Any new updates for anyone?
Update on son returning.
The son I mourned for all the years of estrangement seems gone, so to speak. It's going on a year now and every day
is still a struggle. I really do feel like the bond, or love, is broken and if his dad or I dont walk on eggs shells he would leave again. It's not a comfortable relationship. The fear of losing him again is awful. He is divorced but still holds on tight to his x and she still controls him. He is quick to jump me, which is something my old son would never have done. I have to watch what I say and how I say it.
Any new updates for anyone?
Good to hear your son has returned. Sorry it is still a struggle.
Thank you GotHereQuickAsICould! I didnt mean to sound so down because I am very thankful my son is back in my life. I hope I didnt sound otherwise.
I'm sorry your sister is estranged. I went thru that too. My sister went 4 years without speaking to me and to this day I dont know what I did. I had a brother that tried to get her to talk to me or at least say what she was upset about but she never would say. Whatever your sister is upset about I sure hope she does not wait 4 years to make things right with you. Life is to short for this unnecessarily heartache!
Thank you GotHereQuickAsICould! I didnt mean to sound so down because I am very thankful my son is back in my life. I hope I didnt sound otherwise.
I'm sorry your sister is estranged. I went thru that too. My sister went 4 years without speaking to me and to this day I dont know what I did. I had a brother that tried to get her to talk to me or at least say what she was upset about but she never would say. Whatever your sister is upset about I sure hope she does not wait 4 years to make things right with you. Life is to short for this unnecessarily heartache!
Sounds like you are grateful he is back but miss the relationship you used to have and worried that one misstep and he'll be gone. Fingers crossed that it all works out.
Glad to hear your sister is speaking to you again. I wonder if mine ever will.
My children point out that it is no big loss, that she will get back in touch when she needs something. But she is family and feels odd to be cut off from her.
Sounds like you are grateful he is back but miss the relationship you used to have and worried that one misstep and he'll be gone. Fingers crossed that it all works out.
Glad to hear your sister is speaking to you again. I wonder if mine ever will.
My children point out that it is no big loss, that she will get back in touch when she needs something. But she is family and feels odd to be cut off from her.
But it is what it is.
You got me down to the T! You are much better at putting it into words than I am, but that's it. Grateful, but and worried... and also, since you brought it up, to think of it, the relationship between me and my sister is not near the same either. Once that trust is broken and someone hurts you that much to alienate you, it seems it's self preservation to protect yourself from opening up again. Maybe IF they did show real sorrow it would be different, but in both situations, my sister and my son, it feels like it could happen again if I say something they dont like. You are right too, that for the sister the feeling is different, not near as concerned with her as my own son.
You are spot on that it does not feel right having a family member not speaking. I hate that for you and do hope she comes around quick.
Update on son's return. Still a struggle. This is the second Thanksgiving I've had with him since his return and it was a lot of work and effort on my end, and he avoided me and his dad like the flu. He stayed in his room and only came out to eat. He said a couple times he will be so glad when the holidays are over. Late at nite I got a private moment with him and said it's been years since he has been with us and I'd like to celebrate but cant with him like this. Maybe if he loves that X so much he needs to be with her. He didnt comment and I didnt say anymore. Last nite we had words again. I dont think he likes me. He is not the same person that left and this one doesnt like me. I have learned that you cannot make someone love you yet I keep trying. I feel like he is only here till he can move out then I wont see him again. I am starting to think maybe that is ok since this person is not a good relationship. This is not the reunion I prayed for all these years.
Anyone with a success story that ended happy? I could really use one now..
Update on son's return. Still a struggle. This is the second Thanksgiving I've had with him since his return and it was a lot of work and effort on my end, and he avoided me and his dad like the flu. He stayed in his room and only came out to eat. He said a couple times he will be so glad when the holidays are over. Late at nite I got a private moment with him and said it's been years since he has been with us and I'd like to celebrate but cant with him like this. Maybe if he loves that X so much he needs to be with her. He didnt comment and I didnt say anymore. Last nite we had words again. I dont think he likes me. He is not the same person that left and this one doesnt like me. I have learned that you cannot make someone love you yet I keep trying. I feel like he is only here till he can move out then I wont see him again. I am starting to think maybe that is ok since this person is not a good relationship. This is not the reunion I prayed for all these years.
Anyone with a success story that ended happy? I could really use one now..
I know you are suffering so I'll try to be a little less blunt than I would usually be.
People inevitably change. You know this but you're trying to deny it.
Holidays are stressful anyway because they're as loaded as a baked potato with expectations of re-enacting years past. The older we get, the more we want to cling to holidays as we remember them in "the good old days." Memory is notoriously unreliable. If we had accurate memories, we'd recall that they really weren't all that good, with bickering and overdone turkey and those parents who refuse to rein in their children so they let them run around wild and that uncle who shows up drunk and keeps sipping from his hip flask all through dinner.
Just about everybody heaves a sigh of relief when the holidays are over.
You need to change up your game if you hope to form a relationship with your son. The old one is gone, so forget about that. Learn to stop wanting something that no longer exists because this wanting is making you unhappy.
Happiness is a choice. We can choose to be happy or we can choose to dwell.
I know you are suffering so I'll try to be a little less blunt than I would usually be.
People inevitably change. You know this but you're trying to deny it.
Holidays are stressful anyway because they're as loaded as a baked potato with expectations of re-enacting years past. The older we get, the more we want to cling to holidays as we remember them in "the good old days." Memory is notoriously unreliable. If we had accurate memories, we'd recall that they really weren't all that good, with bickering and overdone turkey and those parents who refuse to rein in their children so they let them run around wild and that uncle who shows up drunk and keeps sipping from his hip flask all through dinner.
Just about everybody heaves a sigh of relief when the holidays are over.
You need to change up your game if you hope to form a relationship with your son. The old one is gone, so forget about that. Learn to stop wanting something that no longer exists because this wanting is making you unhappy.
Happiness is a choice. We can choose to be happy or we can choose to dwell.
Some really good advice here especially with the part about people and dynamics changing. That's so true. The harsh reality is that family bonds can dissolve or significantly weaken over time. Estrangement is VERY COMMON in families. It often can be due to the son/daughter partnering up/marrying and forming new VERY POWERFUL bonds with that person (read up on the brain chemicals involved in love, sex, relationships etc) and potentially that person's family. The daughter in law can be highly invested in working to sever her partner's bonds with his birth family so that his loyalties and resources flow towards her (and possibly her family as well) and any future/existing offspring. That is why the mother in law and daughter in law relationship can universally be so fraught with incredible tension, hurt, and conflict.
The best thing to do is to accept that you had a parent-child dynamic with your son for many years as your child but that is over now. It will never be that way again. The healthiest thing for you to do is to detach emotionally from him and to have very few expectations of how you think the relationship with him should carry on. This frees you from being dependent on his regard and treatment of you. You are now better able to be content and at peace regardless of his actions/behaviors and that is regaining control of your own personal power. You are no longer giving your power away to another at their whims.
Of course, you can still love him and be in his life if he welcomes it but do so in a more detached manner where you have minimal expectations and dependency. Also, you should work on strengthening your own boundaries with him. If he is aloof and distant then the natural expected thing for you to do is to healthily withdraw from him so as to not further get hurt and disappointed over and over again. He pushes you away and so now you halt the cycle, and take about five steps backwards and practice being okay with it. People generally don't like people that they push away that keep coming back in for another push. They tend to lose respect for that person even more because that seems weak and needy. You may be surprised what kind of effect all of this may have on him when he realizes he is no longer pulling all of the puppet strings.
I know you are suffering so I'll try to be a little less blunt than I would usually be.
People inevitably change. You know this but you're trying to deny it.
Holidays are stressful anyway because they're as loaded as a baked potato with expectations of re-enacting years past. The older we get, the more we want to cling to holidays as we remember them in "the good old days." Memory is notoriously unreliable. If we had accurate memories, we'd recall that they really weren't all that good, with bickering and overdone turkey and those parents who refuse to rein in their children so they let them run around wild and that uncle who shows up drunk and keeps sipping from his hip flask all through dinner.
Just about everybody heaves a sigh of relief when the holidays are over.
You need to change up your game if you hope to form a relationship with your son. The old one is gone, so forget about that. Learn to stop wanting something that no longer exists because this wanting is making you unhappy.
Happiness is a choice. We can choose to be happy or we can choose to dwell.
fluffythewondercat, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being gentle yet so wise. I know you are right, and I try so hard to step back and yet I keep tripping myself up. I love my son so much, and was fearful he would never come back, I just want to hug him but know he has a fence up around himself. I will try to take your advise because I believe it is sound.. thank you again.
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