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Some really good advice here especially with the part about people and dynamics changing. That's so true. The harsh reality is that family bonds can dissolve or significantly weaken over time. Estrangement is VERY COMMON in families. It often can be due to the son/daughter partnering up/marrying and forming new VERY POWERFUL bonds with that person (read up on the brain chemicals involved in love, sex, relationships etc) and potentially that person's family. The daughter in law can be highly invested in working to sever her partner's bonds with his birth family so that his loyalties and resources flow towards her (and possibly her family as well) and any future/existing offspring. That is why the mother in law and daughter in law relationship can universally be so fraught with incredible tension, hurt, and conflict.
The best thing to do is to accept that you had a parent-child dynamic with your son for many years as your child but that is over now. It will never be that way again. The healthiest thing for you to do is to detach emotionally from him and to have very few expectations of how you think the relationship with him should carry on. This frees you from being dependent on his regard and treatment of you. You are now better able to be content and at peace regardless of his actions/behaviors and that is regaining control of your own personal power. You are no longer giving your power away to another at their whims.
Of course, you can still love him and be in his life if he welcomes it but do so in a more detached manner where you have minimal expectations and dependency. Also, you should work on strengthening your own boundaries with him. If he is aloof and distant then the natural expected thing for you to do is to healthily withdraw from him so as to not further get hurt and disappointed over and over again. He pushes you away and so now you halt the cycle, and take about five steps backwards and practice being okay with it. People generally don't like people that they push away that keep coming back in for another push. They tend to lose respect for that person even more because that seems weak and needy. You may be surprised what kind of effect all of this may have on him when he realizes he is no longer pulling all of the puppet strings.
Oh Chloe, thank you so much for your insight, which is spot on! I know what you say is true. I must try to step back 25 times a day, but find it so hard to let go, and I know you are right they lose respect for door mats.. I wish there were an on/off switch of the heart!!!
Both you and fluffy gave me such great caring advise and I appreciate you both so much. I plan on TRYING to take your advise.. maybe one day at a time. I really fear that if I dont do this I will push him away and that is not what I want.
Oh Chloe, thank you so much for your insight, which is spot on! I know what you say is true. I must try to step back 25 times a day, but find it so hard to let go, and I know you are right they lose respect for door mats.. I wish there were an on/off switch of the heart!!!
Both you and fluffy gave me such great caring advise and I appreciate you both so much. I plan on TRYING to take your advise.. maybe one day at a time. I really fear that if I dont do this I will push him away and that is not what I want.
Sounds like your son could be really deep in the mourning and grieving stage post-divorce. Divorce can be right up there with death grief-wise. That pain and ache in the heart can remain for years sometimes. Maybe his way of dealing with the heavy emotions is to withdraw from everyone as much as possible in order to cope. Some of the men I know are that way- they withdraw and go inward when experiencing heavy tough emotions.
Plus if he meets another gal, you and she may hit it off much better than with the ex and then that could radically change the situation at some point with him becoming much closer to you and your spouse once again. That's a possibility someday. Hang in there! I bet in due time the situation will improve from where it is now with him probably still mourning the loss of his ex.
Chloe, I agree with you and that is one thing I pray for him, to meet a gal that will help him fall in love with this place! You know a woman can change his mind real fast! And yes, I got along with all his girlfriends, until that one he married.. man she hated me from the start! I would hope he would not fall for another one like her! 0_o
Thank you Chloe. I am better today after sounding off and you guys holding me up! -hugs-
Sounds like your son could be really deep in the mourning and grieving stage post-divorce. Divorce can be right up there with death grief-wise. That pain and ache in the heart can remain for years sometimes. Maybe his way of dealing with the heavy emotions is to withdraw from everyone as much as possible in order to cope. Some of the men I know are that way- they withdraw and go inward when experiencing heavy tough emotions.
Plus if he meets another gal, you and she may hit it off much better than with the ex and then that could radically change the situation at some point with him becoming much closer to you and your spouse once again. That's a possibility someday. Hang in there! I bet in due time the situation will improve from where it is now with him probably still mourning the loss of his ex.
Exactly...and mom demanding his attention and saying things like "we can't celebrate with you like this" is well, awful.
As the mother of 3 young adult sons, please help him by just being "mom".
"I'm so sorry you're going through this, is there anything I can do?" "If you want to talk about it, please know I'm here." Things like that & give him his space. It's perfectly normal. Do not demand anything right now.
Exactly...and mom demanding his attention and saying things like "we can't celebrate with you like this" is well, awful.
As the mother of 3 young adult sons, please help him by just being "mom".
"I'm so sorry you're going through this, is there anything I can do?" "If you want to talk about it, please know I'm here." Things like that & give him his space. It's perfectly normal. Do not demand anything right now.
I may have miss led you. What I meant, and he understood, was that after all these years of him being estranged, him being back in our life was a celebration.. not to celebrate the holidays only.. but to celebrate the reunion of his homecoming...
I do not put any demands on him, but my heart does hurt because I would love to be happy with his return. Hopefully one day he will feel that way too.
Thank you for your opinion.
I may have miss led you. What I meant, and he understood, was that after all these years of him being estranged, him being back in our life was a celebration.. not to celebrate the holidays only.. but to celebrate the reunion of his homecoming...
I do not put any demands on him, but my heart does hurt because I would love to be happy with his return. Hopefully one day he will feel that way too.
Thank you for your opinion.
Ah I see, nonetheless, young guys couldn't care less about celebrating a "reunion". It's not personal. It probably hasn't even crossed his mind. That's more of a mom thing. Especially if he is going through a tough time.
Oh I missed this one from when it was posted. How about the successfully not reunited estrangement stories?
My dad and I had been estranged for about 10 years or so. My sister maintained minimal contact through this time. Some years more, some years less. They saw each other once and she said it was uncomfortable and weird.
Anyway, last year I tried to open up some communication with him and it was well received, but overwhelming. Nothing with him has changed and in fact the characteristics that drove me away in the first place had only gotten worse. I think his heart is in the right place, but his brain isn't. I have no doubt that there is a nasty blend of mental illness, bad upbringing and cultural influences that just makes it so... no words for it.. just, not good, I guess.
This past year he only reached out a few times via fb and it was always to say the same story filled with victimhood and self-defeat. I'm not giving much context, but suffice to say this is a man that has taken advantage of all the potential life in America can offer a self-starter. And only he, himself blew it. And that's not the problem... the problem is dwelling on it for the rest of your life and not enjoying the immense fortune you still have.. health, family, sufficient income and assets.
So, without any fanfare, I blocked him from communicating with me once again. And I mentioned it to my sister last week and she confided in me that she came to the same conclusions and did the very same thing I did about a month ago. She came to a final acceptance that the relationship is done. If the next thing we hear about our father is that he passed away (possible, he's now in his mid-60's) it's not going to send us into despair about missed opportunities.
For me that's what "successful estrangement" looks like.
I may have miss led you. What I meant, and he understood, was that after all these years of him being estranged, him being back in our life was a celebration.. not to celebrate the holidays only.. but to celebrate the reunion of his homecoming...
I do not put any demands on him, but my heart does hurt because I would love to be happy with his return. Hopefully one day he will feel that way too.
Thank you for your opinion.
I would imagine he sees his homecoming as a failure, the loss of his marriage, his hopes, the future he dreamed of. I hope you can try to see that from his perspective and understand why he might not consider coming home a reason for celebration in the way that you do.
Oh I missed this one from when it was posted. How about the successfully not reunited estrangement stories?
My dad and I had been estranged for about 10 years or so. My sister maintained minimal contact through this time. Some years more, some years less. They saw each other once and she said it was uncomfortable and weird.
Anyway, last year I tried to open up some communication with him and it was well received, but overwhelming. Nothing with him has changed and in fact the characteristics that drove me away in the first place had only gotten worse. I think his heart is in the right place, but his brain isn't. I have no doubt that there is a nasty blend of mental illness, bad upbringing and cultural influences that just makes it so... no words for it.. just, not good, I guess.
This past year he only reached out a few times via fb and it was always to say the same story filled with victimhood and self-defeat. I'm not giving much context, but suffice to say this is a man that has taken advantage of all the potential life in America can offer a self-starter. And only he, himself blew it. And that's not the problem... the problem is dwelling on it for the rest of your life and not enjoying the immense fortune you still have.. health, family, sufficient income and assets.
So, without any fanfare, I blocked him from communicating with me once again. And I mentioned it to my sister last week and she confided in me that she came to the same conclusions and did the very same thing I did about a month ago. She came to a final acceptance that the relationship is done. If the next thing we hear about our father is that he passed away (possible, he's now in his mid-60's) it's not going to send us into despair about missed opportunities.
For me that's what "successful estrangement" looks like.
There needs to be another word for permanently splitting from family, but there is no official way to divorce them. Estrangement sounds ambiguous. I don't like the on/off thing which can be ongoing, it is drama that would stress me out.
There needs to be another word for permanently splitting from family, but there is no official way to divorce them. Estrangement sounds ambiguous. I don't like the on/off thing which can be ongoing, it is drama that would stress me out.
There isn't much drama once you decide to keep the estrangement permanent, which is what we did.
Drama: That's exactly what my dad wanted. Drama makes him feel vivacious and alive, but it makes my sister and I, both self-described highly sensitive people, really disorganized and out-of-sorts. I think that's why the situation doesn't make us very upset because I think it comes down to huge, insurmountable personality differences and not some great offense. Whatever feelings of resentment and hostility we had were dealt with years ago. We wish him well. We just don't want the nuttiness in our lives.
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