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Old 11-26-2018, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
14,297 posts, read 7,870,097 times
Reputation: 53294

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My husband and I were in separate bedrooms and physically separated for months when we were married for 19 years and again when we were married for around 22 years. We've been married for 34 years next June. I don't know what happened to him. It was like his evil twin took over. Maybe a midlife crisis coupled with an awful job? (Cop) He was always my knight in shining armor until he because selfish and a bit of a rectum.

We went through counseling and it helped for a small while. He turned back into the evil twin. I finally kicked him out and he moved into one of the rentals for a few weeks. It was being renovated and I had to go out there and help periodically. We had a knock down drag out fight there and I could see that he finally understood where I was coming from. You see I was still very much in love with the man I had married, but not the one that he had become. Nothing was ever good enough and he always wanted more. He was also very uncaring about how hard I was working with a super bug that made me miserable. Helping me around the house was nonexistent in favor of sitting in front of a computer for hours every day. We had a role reversal where he did everything I did around the house and I did everything he did around the house. He understood how hard I worked and I actually got to sit and read a book. Again, it did no good. The evil twin returned, so I kicked him out. I couldn't deal with being as sick as I was and him being a rectum too.

That time apart did wonders for his attitude. He finally saw what he was losing and decided that it wasn't so bad after all. The love we had for each other was still there hidden behind resentment on both sides. My knight returned much to my relief. I didn't really want a divorce, I wanted what we once had.

There is always hope if the love is still there, even if your patience is stretched to the breaking point.
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Old 11-26-2018, 12:40 PM
 
6,408 posts, read 2,299,684 times
Reputation: 14742
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryBeth2 View Post
I really need to hear of estrangement success stories. How long were you estranged and how did you reunite, AND how is the relationship since you've reconciled? Are you walking on egg shells?
Please, for the rest of us still needing hope to cling to.

Several years ago my best friend's husband cheated on her, and wanted a divorce to persue this other woman. They separated, and she moved back to Missouri, got a job, etc.


Meanwhile, her husband tried to get something going with this other woman, who was happy to play with him...when she didn't think he was serious. When he bought a ring for this other woman, she told him she never wanted anything serious, and she wasn't interested in him like that.


That gave him a lot of time to reflect.


Long story short, my friend and her husband got back together, and are apparently quite happy together. If my friend is happy, than I'm happy.


It was very sad at the time. My friend came and lived with us for a couple of months when she first moved back. He'll never know how much he hurt her. But that was a long time ago.
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Old 11-26-2018, 12:58 PM
 
12,044 posts, read 6,634,027 times
Reputation: 12850
It would really hurt my feelings if my husband needed time to "reflect" to not cheat or become a real jerk to me. What is there to reflect on, unless a wife was doing something terrible to him. Is she all of a sudden not good enough for him? I would need to know exactly what his problem was that got him to act like that and it better be good because who knows when he could need reflection again.
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Old 11-26-2018, 01:30 PM
 
6,408 posts, read 2,299,684 times
Reputation: 14742
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
It would really hurt my feelings if my husband needed time to "reflect" to not cheat or become a real jerk to me. What is there to reflect on, unless a wife was doing something terrible to him. Is she all of a sudden not good enough for him? I would need to know exactly what his problem was that got him to act like that and it better be good because who knows when he could need reflection again.

Well, I DID say "long story short". Of course her feelings were hurt. But they worked it out. The details, now, aren't really important.
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:07 PM
 
3,805 posts, read 3,151,652 times
Reputation: 7696
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
Ah I see, nonetheless, young guys couldn't care less about celebrating a "reunion". It's not personal. It probably hasn't even crossed his mind. That's more of a mom thing. Especially if he is going through a tough time.
I guess you are right because I wanted to jump thru hoops and he's been low key for the whole past year.
Thanks .
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:09 PM
 
3,805 posts, read 3,151,652 times
Reputation: 7696
Quote:
Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom View Post
Oh I missed this one from when it was posted. How about the successfully not reunited estrangement stories?

My dad and I had been estranged for about 10 years or so. My sister maintained minimal contact through this time. Some years more, some years less. They saw each other once and she said it was uncomfortable and weird.

Anyway, last year I tried to open up some communication with him and it was well received, but overwhelming. Nothing with him has changed and in fact the characteristics that drove me away in the first place had only gotten worse. I think his heart is in the right place, but his brain isn't. I have no doubt that there is a nasty blend of mental illness, bad upbringing and cultural influences that just makes it so... no words for it.. just, not good, I guess.

This past year he only reached out a few times via fb and it was always to say the same story filled with victimhood and self-defeat. I'm not giving much context, but suffice to say this is a man that has taken advantage of all the potential life in America can offer a self-starter. And only he, himself blew it. And that's not the problem... the problem is dwelling on it for the rest of your life and not enjoying the immense fortune you still have.. health, family, sufficient income and assets.

So, without any fanfare, I blocked him from communicating with me once again. And I mentioned it to my sister last week and she confided in me that she came to the same conclusions and did the very same thing I did about a month ago. She came to a final acceptance that the relationship is done. If the next thing we hear about our father is that he passed away (possible, he's now in his mid-60's) it's not going to send us into despair about missed opportunities.

For me that's what "successful estrangement" looks like.
I am glad it works for you. It sounds like it works for you and your sister. I dont know, I thought family was forever, but it's not reality I guess.
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:12 PM
 
3,805 posts, read 3,151,652 times
Reputation: 7696
Quote:
Originally Posted by DubbleT View Post
I would imagine he sees his homecoming as a failure, the loss of his marriage, his hopes, the future he dreamed of. I hope you can try to see that from his perspective and understand why he might not consider coming home a reason for celebration in the way that you do.
You know you are on something, that he does feel like a failure. The mom in me is so happy to have him back in our life, and all willing to help him get on his feet. It's been a year, so maybe in time.......
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Old 11-26-2018, 03:39 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,603 posts, read 14,211,633 times
Reputation: 30235
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryBeth2 View Post
I may have miss led you. What I meant, and he understood, was that after all these years of him being estranged, him being back in our life was a celebration.. not to celebrate the holidays only.. but to celebrate the reunion of his homecoming...
I do not put any demands on him, but my heart does hurt because I would love to be happy with his return. Hopefully one day he will feel that way too.
Thank you for your opinion.
I want to respectfully submit that for son, his living at home is an admission of failure and loss. You donít move back with parents triumphantly. You move back because you have no other choice. The fact that son is still pretty aloof tells me that he is not reconciled to parents, and is possibly unhappy being there.
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:50 PM
 
3,805 posts, read 3,151,652 times
Reputation: 7696
Quote:
Originally Posted by animalcrazy View Post
My husband and I were in separate bedrooms and physically separated for months when we were married for 19 years and again when we were married for around 22 years. We've been married for 34 years next June. I don't know what happened to him. It was like his evil twin took over. Maybe a midlife crisis coupled with an awful job? (Cop) He was always my knight in shining armor until he because selfish and a bit of a rectum.

We went through counseling and it helped for a small while. He turned back into the evil twin. I finally kicked him out and he moved into one of the rentals for a few weeks. It was being renovated and I had to go out there and help periodically. We had a knock down drag out fight there and I could see that he finally understood where I was coming from. You see I was still very much in love with the man I had married, but not the one that he had become. Nothing was ever good enough and he always wanted more. He was also very uncaring about how hard I was working with a super bug that made me miserable. Helping me around the house was nonexistent in favor of sitting in front of a computer for hours every day. We had a role reversal where he did everything I did around the house and I did everything he did around the house. He understood how hard I worked and I actually got to sit and read a book. Again, it did no good. The evil twin returned, so I kicked him out. I couldn't deal with being as sick as I was and him being a rectum too.

That time apart did wonders for his attitude. He finally saw what he was losing and decided that it wasn't so bad after all. The love we had for each other was still there hidden behind resentment on both sides. My knight returned much to my relief. I didn't really want a divorce, I wanted what we once had.

There is always hope if the love is still there, even if your patience is stretched to the breaking point.
How long of a stretch of time was all this till the man you married returned? I have to say I understand this totally. With mine it was alcohol that changed mine. It seems there's always 'something' that causes the change. I'm glad you got your's back!
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:52 PM
 
3,805 posts, read 3,151,652 times
Reputation: 7696
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Several years ago my best friend's husband cheated on her, and wanted a divorce to persue this other woman. They separated, and she moved back to Missouri, got a job, etc.


Meanwhile, her husband tried to get something going with this other woman, who was happy to play with him...when she didn't think he was serious. When he bought a ring for this other woman, she told him she never wanted anything serious, and she wasn't interested in him like that.


That gave him a lot of time to reflect.


Long story short, my friend and her husband got back together, and are apparently quite happy together. If my friend is happy, than I'm happy.


It was very sad at the time. My friend came and lived with us for a couple of months when she first moved back. He'll never know how much he hurt her. But that was a long time ago.
Great success story. Like mine, although different, if it were a happy ending, the middle is forgotten. I would not waste time thinking of the pain of the estrangement if in the end we were happy again.
Thank you for posting!
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