Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I really need to hear of estrangement success stories. How long were you estranged and how did you reunite, AND how is the relationship since you've reconciled? Are you walking on egg shells?
Please, for the rest of us still needing hope to cling to.
It was about 4 years ago, and I was in my mid-40s with three sons. We all live locally, in the same area, and I don't even remember exactly HOW the estrangement began. I know that my mom has narcissistic tendencies, and my dad is an enabler who manages to look like the calm, sane one. I am an only child.
But anyway I grew tired of their manipulation and just stopped reaching out. (They had always managed to lay the responsibility for contact at my feet, saying, "We know you're SO busy, so we are just here ..." but still would complain if I didn't call them "enough," etc.)
It turns out that period of no contact lasted one year, and I would have let it go longer, but one day as we were leaving the house I drove the car around front, and my dad was standing on the front porch ringing the doorbell.
I got out and hugged him, and we got together later that day and talked. I expressed my concerns, and I guess he went home and talked to my mom. I never had a direct conversation with her, but ever since then she has not been nearly as hard to deal with as she usually is, and she even is ... supportive ... at times.
So we are not really "close," but that's mostly because I am terrible at being a "day to day" friend/daughter, etc. So we see each other on occasion. It's not a strained relationship, and my sons feel like their grandparents love them.
Not sure if that's what you were hoping for, but our scenario seems to have worked out for now.
I have successfully ignored the love bombing, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation my parents have used over the past year to try to get me to end the estrangement. To me, that's a success story.
People generally don't make the decision to be estranged lightly. Listen. My parents could have avoided all of this had they listened to me just once over the years, and especially into the weeks leading to our estrangement.
I have posted about this many times before, but this concerns my adopted daughter. We adopted her when she was six, and she was considered "special needs" because of severe emotional and behavioral problems. (She received a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder with possible Reactive Attachment Disorder,) Even though her bio mom was a cocaine addict, she had bonded with her and being separated from her caused HUGE trauma. She hated us from Day One and did everything she could to make our lives a living hell. (All of this is very understandable, of course.) When she left our home one month before her 18th birthday -- eight years ago -- to go back to her birth mom, she said that she hated us and that we were the worst parents in the world. (Btw, this was after years of therapy, various kinds of activities such as ballet lessons, swim lessons and then swim team, Scouts, etc., and strict and consistent but loving discipline.) When she left, she said that she never wanted to see us again -- and quite honestly, at that point, we hoped that we would never see her again, either!
However, after her birth mom kicked her out after about two months of them being together (!!), she began calling us once a month like clockwork, even though she continued to make bad choices. She ended up pregnant by a felon, and after he went back to prison, she called and asked us if she could visit us with the baby. (This was three years after she had left our home and five years ago.) We said Yes, which led to us resuming our relationship, and even though she has continued to make several more VERY poor choices in life, it is now at the point that she now calls us about twice a month -- she lives 200 miles away from us --and visits us whenever she is in town; and she has told us a couple of times how sorry she was that she treated us the way she did.
But that is NOT to say that everything is now peaches and cream! She ended up having another child by the felon, and then another child by a very nice young man and having a child with him, and they ended up marrying, but they are now divorcing after being married for two years -- BUT she is working two jobs, and she really seems to be trying to do the right thing, and she is a VERY loving mom (a better mom in some ways than I was, in fact). However, because of her past history and the fact that she is still making poor choices, imo, I still am on guard because she has always been extremely manipulative and very adept at lying, so I don't think I will ever completely let down that guard.
However, to answer your question, MaryBeth, eight years ago when my daughter left, I would have bet every last dollar I had that I would never see my daughter again; and I would have laughed -- and did! -- at anyone who said that she "would come around" and come back to us. So, there is ALWAYS hope!
Oh my goodness WhoCares how on earth did you deal with that for 12 years? At one point in my life I thought about fostering but I quickly came to the conclusion that I am just not cut out for it, especially if the child had major issues.
My husband and I separated many times during our marriage. We loved each other but I just could not live with him. Getting back didn't really work for us despite the many marriage counselors we saw; he was just not willing to change because he didn't see any problem with his behavior. The last time I left was supposed to be for good but his cancer returned and I moved back in with him. He died a year later.
It was about 4 years ago, and I was in my mid-40s with three sons. We all live locally, in the same area, and I don't even remember exactly HOW the estrangement began. I know that my mom has narcissistic tendencies, and my dad is an enabler who manages to look like the calm, sane one. I am an only child.
But anyway I grew tired of their manipulation and just stopped reaching out. (They had always managed to lay the responsibility for contact at my feet, saying, "We know you're SO busy, so we are just here ..." but still would complain if I didn't call them "enough," etc.)
It turns out that period of no contact lasted one year, and I would have let it go longer, but one day as we were leaving the house I drove the car around front, and my dad was standing on the front porch ringing the doorbell.
I got out and hugged him, and we got together later that day and talked. I expressed my concerns, and I guess he went home and talked to my mom. I never had a direct conversation with her, but ever since then she has not been nearly as hard to deal with as she usually is, and she even is ... supportive ... at times.
So we are not really "close," but that's mostly because I am terrible at being a "day to day" friend/daughter, etc. So we see each other on occasion. It's not a strained relationship, and my sons feel like their grandparents love them.
Not sure if that's what you were hoping for, but our scenario seems to have worked out for now.
Thank you. That does help. I am so happy that you all have new ground to build on in the future and your son's have those grands too..
Good luck for continued success..
-hugs
I have successfully ignored the love bombing, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation my parents have used over the past year to try to get me to end the estrangement. To me, that's a success story.
People generally don't make the decision to be estranged lightly. Listen. My parents could have avoided all of this had they listened to me just once over the years, and especially into the weeks leading to our estrangement.
Oh I agree this is not something that just happens.. Please tell me what were you trying to tell them.. please, and is there anything they could do now to change things..
Thank you so much.
I have posted about this many times before, but this concerns my adopted daughter. We adopted her when she was six, and she was considered "special needs" because of severe emotional and behavioral problems. (She received a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder with possible Reactive Attachment Disorder,) Even though her bio mom was a cocaine addict, she had bonded with her and being separated from her caused HUGE trauma. She hated us from Day One and did everything she could to make our lives a living hell. (All of this is very understandable, of course.) When she left our home one month before her 18th birthday -- eight years ago -- to go back to her birth mom, she said that she hated us and that we were the worst parents in the world. (Btw, this was after years of therapy, various kinds of activities such as ballet lessons, swim lessons and then swim team, Scouts, etc., and strict and consistent but loving discipline.) When she left, she said that she never wanted to see us again -- and quite honestly, at that point, we hoped that we would never see her again, either!
However, after her birth mom kicked her out after about two months of them being together (!!), she began calling us once a month like clockwork, even though she continued to make bad choices. She ended up pregnant by a felon, and after he went back to prison, she called and asked us if she could visit us with the baby. (This was three years after she had left our home and five years ago.) We said Yes, which led to us resuming our relationship, and even though she has continued to make several more VERY poor choices in life, it is now at the point that she now calls us about twice a month -- she lives 200 miles away from us --and visits us whenever she is in town; and she has told us a couple of times how sorry she was that she treated us the way she did.
But that is NOT to say that everything is now peaches and cream! She ended up having another child by the felon, and then another child by a very nice young man and having a child with him, and they ended up marrying, but they are now divorcing after being married for two years -- BUT she is working two jobs, and she really seems to be trying to do the right thing, and she is a VERY loving mom (a better mom in some ways than I was, in fact). However, because of her past history and the fact that she is still making poor choices, imo, I still am on guard because she has always been extremely manipulative and very adept at lying, so I don't think I will ever completely let down that guard.
However, to answer your question, MaryBeth, eight years ago when my daughter left, I would have bet every last dollar I had that I would never see my daughter again; and I would have laughed -- and did! -- at anyone who said that she "would come around" and come back to us. So, there is ALWAYS hope!
And you do have my very best wishes. Good luck!
Oh my gosh what you've went thru! Your heart must be broken in a million pieces.. Thank you for going thru all of that again, for me.. and best wishes to you and your family, too! I hope you can find security in your relationship, like it's suppose to be. I know waiting for the other shoe to drop is hard on the nerves. I am wondering if after going thru so much in estrangement if that is even possible.
-hugs
Oh my goodness WhoCares how on earth did you deal with that for 12 years? At one point in my life I thought about fostering but I quickly came to the conclusion that I am just not cut out for it, especially if the child had major issues.
My husband and I separated many times during our marriage. We loved each other but I just could not live with him. Getting back didn't really work for us despite the many marriage counselors we saw; he was just not willing to change because he didn't see any problem with his behavior. The last time I left was supposed to be for good but his cancer returned and I moved back in with him. He died a year later.
I really understand you when you say you loved him but could not live with him, that he did not see his behavior as a problem. To move back in with him, when he needed you like that, well I just respect you so much. That could not be easy. It's never easy to see someone you care for die.. That cancer is horrible!
Were you ever to the point where you stopped talking to him, like would not let him talk to you?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
