Is my dad a narcissist and/or control freak? If so, what is the best way to deal with him? (father, person)
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We talk or visit several times a month and have things in common and a relatively decent relationship. There are some annoyances, however.
He is very judgmental and likes to criticize people. He is probably the most critical guy I've ever known. I don't think there is a relative or acquaintance whom he hasn't criticized.
He is bitter, was divorced from my mother after being married 30 years. He blames her for his financial situation and not being retired right now. I often hear about how she prevented him from making investments that he wanted to make. Maybe he's right so but do I really need to hear about this stuff?
He likes to complain about everything, yet doesn't want to hear my problems (or downplays them as if they are insignificant) nor give me any advice.
He doesn't seem to want to hear about good things that happen. I told him I had a job offer a couple weeks ago. Not only was he not excited but didn't seem to care. Yet he complains about his job and won't bother finding another one.
If I'm driving and he's in the passenger seat, he is a backseat driver to the point where he tries telling me where to park.
If we do anything together, we have to do things his way. If we do it my way and he doesn't like the results then he b*tches up a storm. So I usually do i this way to keep him quiet.
He makes an issue if I don't answer the phone or return his call right away
In his defense, he had to deal with the same type of stuff from his mother and her side of the family.
When my parents divorced almost 10 years ago, I allowed him to store a lot of stuff in my basement. Much of it is junk he bought at garage sales (and now the place he is living at now is filling up with junk). Just about all of it is still there. He rationalized it by saying that he will get it out when he finds a house.
He finally found a house recently that he is in the process of buying, only a few miles from my house! This was after I told him no when he asked to move in or put a trailer on my property. We are going to be practically neighbors now.
There are people with a lot worse parents so I wouldn't cut him off or anything like that, but any suggestions on better relating with him?
Your situation sounds supremely irritating and frustrating. And NOW he is going to be at your place and in your face all the time. I'm not sure what the solution is now, but I guarantee you will never get that stuff out of your basement.
Your father isn't going to change, but perhaps you will be free one day if you move to another state and/or he passes.
No, he doesn't sound like a narcissist. He doesn't even necessarily sound that controlling. We only know your experience with him. He maybe different with others.
He does sound like an unhappy, and probably lonely, person. You can't change that. You can change how you react to his unhappiness in life.
Your situation sounds supremely irritating and frustrating. And NOW he is going to be at your place and in your face all the time.
That's what I'm afraid of. Good thing I'm not in a relationship but if I ever do get into one, there could be more of an issue with a lack of privacy. He has been known to drop in without calling. I did get on him about it and then he would call when he's about 15 minutes away and ask about coming over.
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Originally Posted by zentropa
I'm not sure what the solution is now, but I guarantee you will never get that stuff out of your basement.
With him buying the house, he should be able to get most if not all of it out. But I wonder if he doesn't buy more junk and ask to store it there.
No, he doesn't sound like a narcissist. He doesn't even necessarily sound that controlling. We only know your experience with him. He maybe different with others. .
Perhaps narcissist is a stretch although my mother would say he's controlling. It tends to run in the family.
His mother is more controlling and he has an uncle who is also. I think part of his frustration is dealing with their BS for so long.
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Originally Posted by rrah
You can change how you react to his unhappiness in life.
That is true that I cannot change him. I guess I just have to let him be himself and focus on my own response.
If that's his only defense, then he doesn't really have much of a one. He definitely needs to stop complaining about your mother, especially since it's been 10 years. As for the other things he complains about, if you feel you've heard enough, then nip it. Tell him to deal with it and stop complaining about it. It won't be well received, but your boundaries need to be drawn somewhere. Even if it means there's less interaction with him.
The problem with perpetual complainers is they're too self absorbed that it becomes a one way street, and the direction is toward a toxic dump. They don't care if you can relate or not, all they care is dumping their load on you because it makes them feel "better". They're not interested in handling the problem, so there's really nothing YOU can do about that. But what you can do is decide if you had enough. Put it back on him.
....There are people with a lot worse parents so I wouldn't cut him off or anything like that, but any suggestions on better relating with him?
I am seventy-nine, my father was much the same and tended to be a bully as I was growing up.
My solution simply evolved. I stopped giving him information about myself that he showed no interest in. Then I stopped giving him any information about things he would not discuss with me, but would simply rage and bully about.
Our relationship finally boiled down to going out drinking and socializing when I visited the parental home, which was as rarely as possible. Totally boozy, yes; but no longer negative and acrimonious.
You may well get lots of positive advice which you may want to explore. But if your situation does not improve sooner rather than latter, just start very heavily editing what you tell your father.
If that's his only defense, then he doesn't really have much of a one. He definitely needs to stop complaining about your mother, especially since it's been 10 years.
Yep. Even if he is right (his name is still on her mortgage which is ridiculous), but I still don't want to hear it.
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Originally Posted by Inkpoe
As for the other things he complains about, if you feel you've heard enough, then nip it. Tell him to deal with it and stop complaining about it. It won't be well received, but your boundaries need to be drawn somewhere. Even if it means there's less interaction with him.
That's part of my problem, letting him taking control over the conversation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe
The problem with perpetual complainers is they're too self absorbed that it becomes a one way street, and the direction is toward a toxic dump. They don't care if you can relate or not, all they care is dumping their load on you because it makes them feel "better". They're not interested in handling the problem, so there's really nothing YOU can do about that. But what you can do is decide if you had enough. Put it back on him.
Yep I do feel like a dumping ground at times. And that is true about not wanting to handle the problem, I will make a suggestion and it's ignored or I'm told why it can't be done.
I am seventy-nine, my father was much the same and tended to be a bully as I was growing up.
My solution simply evolved. I stopped giving him information about myself that he showed no interest in. Then I stopped giving him any information about things he would not discuss with me, but would simply rage and bully about.
Good idea. I guess I need to stop looking for "approval". I won an award at work a few years ago and told him but he didn't really care. If it happens again (or I get a bonus or something), I won't even share the information. I don't think he's happy that I get one more week of vacation than he does. I guess I wouldn't be either though. If I stay with my employer long enough to get another week then I probably won't even bother to tell him.
No, he doesn't sound like a narcissist. He doesn't even necessarily sound that controlling. We only know your experience with him. He maybe different with others.
An excellent point, which I neglected to include in my previous post.
My father was extremely non-communicative with my mother and myself. There were several reasons, but not the least being that my mother was vain, spoiled and very immature. This had had its appeal at 18, but it certainly had vanished by their 30s. There were normally only two modes in our home when the three of us were together: silence, or my mother prattling about the shortcomings her neighbors, her friends and her sisters. (This latter was sometimes terminated by my exasperated father saying in a loud voice, "Shut your mouth for Christ's sake." And then we were blessed with silence for awhile.)
However, outside the home my father was gregarious and very well-liked, and sometimes amazingly kind to unexpected people.
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He does sound like an unhappy, and probably lonely, person. You can't change that. You can change how you react to his unhappiness in life.
In my experience one can change how to react to it if allowed to, but if not then resort to manipulating your way into some less negative form of contact. There is no point in continually bashing your head against someone else's unhappiness if they are thoroughly stuck in it.
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