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Old 06-24-2017, 02:17 PM
 
5,267 posts, read 2,278,376 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieLL View Post
Read my post up in the page.

Cause i worry about the future. I know someone like her who is now in his 60s and he is a burden for the family.
Absolutely nothing you can do...carry on with your life.
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Old 06-24-2017, 02:30 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,246,664 times
Reputation: 12632
x2 on what Curmudgeon just said.

You need to sit down with both your parents and your sister in law and explain that you will not be supporting her after they become very old and can't support her or after they die.

Make it clear that she is not your responsibility. Right now she is surrounded by enablers . That includes you because you are thinking that you need to support her for the rest of her life.

It will be a real difficult conversation and it may have to be repeated many times. When her parents can't support her anyone, she is simply on her own. It will be her problem, not yours. She will not be a burden to the family- you will be free of her and she will be her own problem.
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Old 06-24-2017, 03:00 PM
 
9,181 posts, read 9,156,037 times
Reputation: 11511
My thought would be that she sounds like a textbook example of "bad" parental spoiling (as opposed to "good" parental spoiling).

If she were a close family member, I would try to spend as little time as possible with her, as she sounds as if she'd be a colossal bore. If she complained about living with her parents, I'd just politely say, "Well, you know the solution to that - get a job" - and then refuse to get into further discussion.

There is, of course, no point in trying to enlighten the parents. However, if you were all together - for instance, if you were having dinner with her and her parents - you could make a point of enthusiastically talking about your job, about books you've been reading, about politics, just to make the point that normal people have other things in their lives.

I've never heard the word "ubication" - thanks.
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Old 06-24-2017, 03:22 PM
 
Location: on the wind
6,796 posts, read 2,771,359 times
Reputation: 23155
OK we've heard all the negative things about this person. I can't believe there is nothing on the plus side other than the fact that she's not an axe murderer. Why bother analyzing what created this dull person unless it makes you feel better about yourself? Can't change the past. IMHO if she's that superficial, you can stay superficial in how you deal with her. Don't bother to avoid situations you must share. That's a lot of wasted energy. She'll be present sometimes like a sofa you don't like. You have no control over her upbringing, her mind, her decisions, or her life and you can't force her to change. Don't borrow trouble fretting about some possible future burden. It may never happen or by the time it does, many aspects of both your lives could be very different. I'm not saying to not think about what you would do if she does become a burden, just mind your own business and manage your own affairs until you can't avoid taking action. I'd be civil but not engage very far, if she's nice to you be nice in return. If she doesn't seek you out great.
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Old 06-24-2017, 03:27 PM
 
1,226 posts, read 613,163 times
Reputation: 1664
Paris Hilton?
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Old 06-24-2017, 03:29 PM
 
1,511 posts, read 1,419,517 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieLL View Post
This is exactly what i fear.

She literally has the lifestyle of a well off person, too, with clothes, trips, and all kind of material things she didnt work to get. Me and my husband and baby have a much simpler lifestyle, NEVER get to travel or go on vacation (would die for a vacation actually), and we save a lot of what we earn to our little boys future. We work our asses off and live a simple kind of life. We are both academic types so we can take pleasure in things that arent material, and love a good chat about a great book, or watch a movie and talk about it afterwards, or endless debates about social issues, but we rarely buy things or spend a lot of money apart of the basics.

Theres no way we would be able to support that lifestyle. And, also, we have literally nothing in common with her, except for the fact that she is family.

Funnily, her brother and her are exact opposittes. Like, literal opposites of eachother. If she is lazy, he is hard working, vapid shallow/deep thinker, dumb as rocks/super smart, narcissistic/compassionate, etc.

Her parents are 60 and 61.


Then don't support her lifestyle. She's made her choice; her future is on her. Let her know you won't be supporting her when her parents are no longer around and let her deal with her own future.
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Old 06-24-2017, 03:34 PM
 
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,901 posts, read 8,369,692 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mtnbkr5 View Post
Paris Hilton?
Yeah, a brunette, shorter, poorer, latin american paris hilton
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Old 06-24-2017, 04:00 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,878 posts, read 17,190,006 times
Reputation: 40751
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
How old are her parents (your in-laws)?

I would seriously worry about what will happen when they get old or if they become disabled or lose their money. Unless something can be done now, when she still is fairly young, I would be concerned that she will move in with you and expect you and Hubby to continue paying for her extravagant life style forever.

And, better make sure that you are planning your retirement savings to support three people, not just you and Hubby because you probably are going to be expected to support her until she dies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieLL View Post
This is exactly what i fear.

She literally has the lifestyle of a well off person, too, with clothes, trips, and all kind of material things she didnt work to get. Me and my husband and baby have a much simpler lifestyle, NEVER get to travel or go on vacation (would die for a vacation actually), and we save a lot of what we earn to our little boys future. We work our asses off and live a simple kind of life. We are both academic types so we can take pleasure in things that arent material, and love a good chat about a great book, or watch a movie and talk about it afterwards, or endless debates about social issues, but we rarely buy things or spend a lot of money apart of the basics.

Theres no way we would be able to support that lifestyle. And, also, we have literally nothing in common with her, except for the fact that she is family.

Funnily, her brother and her are exact opposittes. Like, literal opposites of eachother. If she is lazy, he is hard working, vapid shallow/deep thinker, dumb as rocks/super smart, narcissistic/compassionate, etc.

Her parents are 60 and 61.
I would not let Hubby put off an honest discussion with his parents too long.

Well, you never know what will happen. My hubby was permanently disabled at age 58 and at age 63 fell down some stairs, suffered a traumatic brain injury and needed a full time caregiver (which meant I needed to quit my full time job).
Yes, the parents could be healthy for another 20 years and leave you with a 50 year old sister/SIL to support. Or someone could happen to them next year, or five to ten years down the road. Or they may have set a trust fund for her already to keep her in the "high life". Or may have never considered the long term consequences. Your husband won't know until he talks to his parents.

BTW, it is too bad that they pay for annual expensive international vacations for one child but not for their other child.

Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
x2 on what Curmudgeon just said.

You need to sit down with both your parents and your sister in law and explain that you will not be supporting her after they become very old and can't support her or after they die.

Make it clear that she is not your responsibility. Right now she is surrounded by enablers . That includes you because you are thinking that you need to support her for the rest of her life.

It will be a real difficult conversation and it may have to be repeated many times. When her parents can't support her anyone, she is simply on her own. It will be her problem, not yours. She will not be a burden to the family- you will be free of her and she will be her own problem.
Good points.

Last edited by germaine2626; 06-24-2017 at 05:03 PM..
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Old 06-24-2017, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Paranoid State
13,047 posts, read 10,366,998 times
Reputation: 15672
Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieLL View Post
She is very pretty


You get the picture.
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Old 06-24-2017, 04:54 PM
 
16,990 posts, read 20,591,236 times
Reputation: 33956
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
x2 on what Curmudgeon just said.

You need to sit down with both your parents and your sister in law and explain that you will not be supporting her after they become very old and can't support her or after they die.

Make it clear that she is not your responsibility. Right now she is surrounded by enablers . That includes you because you are thinking that you need to support her for the rest of her life.

It will be a real difficult conversation and it may have to be repeated many times. When her parents can't support her anyone, she is simply on her own. It will be her problem, not yours. She will not be a burden to the family- you will be free of her and she will be her own problem.
You're a little confused here. Why would the OP sit down with her parents? This woman is no related to the the OP's mother and father.

The OP's husband is the brother. He is the one who needs to sit down with HIS parents, who are also the slacker's parents. The OP can go along and she can certainly share her feelings with her husband, but it's not up to her to tell her in-laws what they better do. The OP's husband needs to tell his parents that he has no intention of taking her on at say age 45 or whatever age she is when both parents are gone. Who knows, maybe they have a trust set up for her. But regardless it needs to be discussed.
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