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Old 06-26-2017, 02:29 PM
 
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Well sure it happens...but i cant say I know any single women in their 40s in my life who suddenly announced hey I'm pregnant. I understand the sisters suprise and it sounds like she indeed didnt plan on the sister having kids. That said, many people would be happy about this! I cant believe how much people rely on family money for their future...how about make your own damn money and if you inherit any good for you.
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Old 06-26-2017, 04:46 PM
 
Location: Texas
9,153 posts, read 3,543,671 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Whatsnext75 View Post
Well sure it happens...but i cant say I know any single women in their 40s in my life who suddenly announced hey I'm pregnant. .
I know several single women in their 40s were or are pregnant.
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Old 06-26-2017, 04:54 PM
 
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Ok...and i do not. It would catch people by suprise...but one would hope a happy suprise.
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:40 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,984 posts, read 16,709,418 times
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I'll admit that I felt some resentment (or, perhaps more accurately, jealousy) that my brother had a child first - and I feel AWFUL about it.

My brother is 2 years younger, became the family "golden child" sometime during college (and somehow right around the time I was diagnosed with cancer - families are complicated), and luckily fell in love with a wonderful woman whose family has been beyond supportive in helping them start their lives in a comfortable financial position. The in-laws let my brother and SIL live with them for a year after college, not allowing them to pay for anything, so they could afford to buy a house at 23 and 24. Then they threw a lavish wedding, and my niece was a honeymoon baby. To help matters more, the in-laws offered to help with the baby a few days a week to reduce daycare costs. My parents have lavished the family with gifts and money, and even began hitting me up for her college fund despite not offering me any help when I was going through stage IV cancer just a few years prior as a recent college grad in an entry level job who had to often choose between eating and medications. My family knew and claimed they couldn't afford to help, or even visit.

Cancer has left my fertility iffy (and my parents refused to help with the cost of fertility preservation even though they then spend more than that on my brother's rehearsal dinner), and my financial life is still struggling even years later. I desperately want kids but don't know how and when that will be a possibility. It's really, really hard to not feel resentful, and I have upped my time in therapy in order to deal with it.

I hope my brother doesn't see it - we've never been close so I have absolutely said nothing to indicate how I feel and I absolutely adore my niece. It's also obviously not his fault. I know it's an irrational emotion. But it still magnifies how differently my brother and I have been treated as adults, and how the impacts of cancer still ripple through my life in a way that I can't forget long past I heard the words "cancer free."

Obviously this has little to do with the situation of the OP, but just a reminder that families are complex. Infertility and existing family tension adds a whole other level.
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:56 PM
 
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Having kids can certainly be wonderful but there are downsides as well...not sure why people often get jealous or envious of people having kids. I suppose if it's something the jealous person wants, cant have or doesnt know if they'll be able to have...the jealousy takes over.
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Old 06-26-2017, 06:00 PM
 
Location: Texas
9,153 posts, read 3,543,671 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
My brother is 2 years younger, became the family "golden child" sometime during college (and somehow right around the time I was diagnosed with cancer - families are complicated), and luckily fell in love with a wonderful woman whose family has been beyond supportive in helping them start their lives in a comfortable financial position. The in-laws let my brother and SIL live with them for a year after college, not allowing them to pay for anything, so they could afford to buy a house at 23 and 24. Then they threw a lavish wedding, and my niece was a honeymoon baby. To help matters more, the in-laws offered to help with the baby a few days a week to reduce daycare costs. My parents have lavished the family with gifts and money, and even began hitting me up for her college fund despite not offering me any help when I was going through stage IV cancer just a few years prior as a recent college grad in an entry level job who had to often choose between eating and medications. My family knew and claimed they couldn't afford to help, or even visit..
That is truly awful, I am so sorry. It also seems highly inappropriate that they are expecting you to contribute toward this child's college fund? The parents are the only ones responsible for this. And they should have been offering to help you out when you were so ill. It seems your brother and his family has had more than enough help at this point, to the point where they have been somewhat enabled. I've seen many parents help their married children & grandkids, far and beyond the help they would give their other adult kids. It's almost like they're trying to reward them for getting married when they are young and giving them grandkids. I also saw a lot of my friends getting married at 22 and being thrown lavish showers and getting money from their inlaws and parents. Most had no clue they didn't really deserve or need all this. I'd rather help someone out with their medical bills.
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Old 06-26-2017, 06:18 PM
 
Location: Paranoid State
13,047 posts, read 10,374,727 times
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There is no evidence of resentment in the original post.
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Old 06-26-2017, 08:14 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,580,121 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Unbelievable! I guess your friend has adjusted her opinion of her sister, and their relationship, since this resentment has arisen. People really take the cake. How sad for your friend, to encounter this disillusion.
I agree. After having waited for years to have a child of her own and have her family take away the joy by being pills.....heartbreaking for your friend. Shame.
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Old 07-01-2017, 06:33 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
32,999 posts, read 19,960,878 times
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Originally Posted by emm74 View Post
This isn't my personal situation but someone I know. She's in her 40s, professionally successful, owns a not-inexpensive home, etc. Everyone figured she was "married to her career" and she is still single, but she has decided to have a child on her own.

She feels like her sister resents this - sister has 3 kids of her own, and has enjoyed them being the only grandkids and being spoiled (in a good way) by their parents. She also said something that, while not explicit, made it seem like she expected her kids to be my friend's heirs and inherit what is likely to be a fairly substantial estate (of course many years down the road).

Has anyone experienced, or even observed, anything like this?

The closest I've had is that before I had my own kid, I was named as guardian for my sister's kids, and it was clear that in the worst case scenario if she and BIL both died, she expected me to sell my home and quit my job and move a couple of thousand miles to where she lived and raise her kids in their existing home. While I could understand why that would seem to be the least disruptive to the kids, and it's something I would have at least considered, I would have of course still needed to support myself and make the appropriate provisions for my own financial future. And then of course once I had a child myself, I would have had to worry about uprooting him too. Fortunately it was never an issue and my sister's kids are now legal adults.
All my siblings are older than me; I love all my nephews. So there is no issue in my family.

well, I realized this a long time ago that, Parenting is the hardest, yet most satisfying job there is. In spite of, or perhaps as a result of, that difficulty, parents have no need for regret. They grow stronger as individuals and parents as they deal with each pain-producing and difficult situation.

I am with a loving man whom I love very much.If we try for a child in two years, then it is still perfect timing for both of us. (I don't want to be an older mother)

My siblings and I are all trust fund babies, so money is never a struggle for us. The only worries I have is my Godson. I love that little boy with all my heart. He is the one (6 years old) does not want me to have my own child. But he is a lovely little boy and he perhaps will get over it. I don't think I can love any children (mine or not) more than I love this little boy.

I have amazing relationship with my two brothers, but my sister and I never really got along. I love her kids, and her kids love me. My sister would most definitely love my future child, although she has said many times, she wish I could've been a better sister. (whatever that means.)
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Old 07-01-2017, 06:59 PM
 
Location: Newport Beach, California
32,999 posts, read 19,960,878 times
Reputation: 12883
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
I'll admit that I felt some resentment (or, perhaps more accurately, jealousy) that my brother had a child first - and I feel AWFUL about it.

My brother is 2 years younger, became the family "golden child" sometime during college (and somehow right around the time I was diagnosed with cancer - families are complicated), and luckily fell in love with a wonderful woman whose family has been beyond supportive in helping them start their lives in a comfortable financial position. The in-laws let my brother and SIL live with them for a year after college, not allowing them to pay for anything, so they could afford to buy a house at 23 and 24. Then they threw a lavish wedding, and my niece was a honeymoon baby. To help matters more, the in-laws offered to help with the baby a few days a week to reduce daycare costs. My parents have lavished the family with gifts and money, and even began hitting me up for her college fund despite not offering me any help when I was going through stage IV cancer just a few years prior as a recent college grad in an entry level job who had to often choose between eating and medications. My family knew and claimed they couldn't afford to help, or even visit.

Cancer has left my fertility iffy (and my parents refused to help with the cost of fertility preservation even though they then spend more than that on my brother's rehearsal dinner), and my financial life is still struggling even years later. I desperately want kids but don't know how and when that will be a possibility. It's really, really hard to not feel resentful, and I have upped my time in therapy in order to deal with it.

I hope my brother doesn't see it - we've never been close so I have absolutely said nothing to indicate how I feel and I absolutely adore my niece. It's also obviously not his fault. I know it's an irrational emotion. But it still magnifies how differently my brother and I have been treated as adults, and how the impacts of cancer still ripple through my life in a way that I can't forget long past I heard the words "cancer free."

Obviously this has little to do with the situation of the OP, but just a reminder that families are complex. Infertility and existing family tension adds a whole other level.
I don't want to offer unwanted advices. Based on your posting history, I can tell that you are a very strong individual, definitely a survivor.

My uncle married a woman who is a stage four breast cancer survivor. (well, I call her my aunt)

She wanted a child so desperately after her surgery. Fertility doctors, prayers, tears, anger, the whole spectrum. Then miscarriages, more anger, denial, etc. She said resentment is a very big part of it because her own family was not there for her; There is a lot of anger as well, (why did this have to happen to her? That sort of thing.) she said acceptance is never a part of the journey unfortunately.

She just came back from a trip with my uncle. Now she says she no longer believing that having children is what gives your life meaning. Kids don't always turn out like you hope. And if you bet your entire life on that, you could be in for a bad shock.

She still wants her own children, but she is also looking into adoption (not implying anybody should do the same). But she is completely okay living her life fullest without a child. I guess it is a long journey, but she is doing so well.. Her therapist said that she should put herself first. I guess she is still figuring out what that means... Years ago I lost a guy I loved so much to suicide, my then therapist also said the same thing, "You need to put yourself first." To me, it doesn't mean that I ought to be a selfish person who only thinks about myself. It means I need to remove myself from toxic thoughts and surroundings. I also need to remove myself from other people's problems. I need to make myself happy first before worrying about what other people feel about themselves and me. I guess that is what "put yourself first" means.. The way I see it? Well, none of us is truly "normal", we all need to deal with whatever life throws at us.

It looks like you have a very loving relationship, I wish you all the very very best.

Last edited by lilyflower3191981; 07-01-2017 at 07:08 PM..
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