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Old 06-26-2017, 10:54 AM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,556,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Destiny74 View Post
Yes, it has been difficult. I have accepted the fact that since I have the problem with her, I am left out of a lot of family gatherings. I believe God has make good come of this. My children have benefitted the most from this change. My Dad and other sisters are coming around to having their own relationship with me.
I haven't used 'my words' so far because my sister is narcissistic and cannot deal with rejection or shame. She will get revenge. I have been tip-toeing around her to avoid setting her off. But I will consider this more thouroughly.
OK so basically the situation is that you want your sister to stop contacting you but are afraid to tell her. And yet she is supposed to respect the boundaries that she doesn't even know about.

Sometimes it's better to turn the other cheek and put up with people who annoy us for the sake of other relationships. Can you be the bigger person? Can you make the sacrifice knowing it will be one-sided?

I know that pride gets in the way. That's why the strongest people, the ones who get through life most unscathed, understand the value of selflessly sucking up the **** when others can benefit.
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Old 06-26-2017, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Long Island, NY
7,846 posts, read 10,835,927 times
Reputation: 9199
Quote:
Originally Posted by Destiny74 View Post
I have a sister whom I don't want in my life. I haven't spoken with her in 6 years. She insists on texting me on holidays or birthdays, and sometimes texts my son, who also doesn't want her in his life. Usually this isn't an issue as we just stay away from her. Occasionally there will be a bridal or baby shower where we are in the same room. I avoid eye contact with her, and stay far away. If I happen to look her way and see her, I look away. I do not wish to know what she is doing, who she is talking to or what she is saying. She clearly should know I am not close to her. These are my ways of setting boundaries. However. She will follow me around to watch what I do. She loves to interrupt me when conversing with others. And she will talk really loudly when she wants me to hear what she is saying. It is difficult as I no longer go to family holidays just to avoid her. I just want her to let it go, to just leave me alone. Unfortunately she lives with my Dad. I very rarely go there, I talk to him on the phone or sometimes he comes over to visit.
Do any of you have people that don't respect boundaries, or just do not understand them? What do you do?
I really don't know if she is truly clueless or spiteful.
The bolded--yes, I've had several people in my life like that. I cut off contact with them. Blocked emails, blocked their numbers, blocked them on social media. You and your son should do the same. If you feel she'll do something spiteful, let her knock herself out. Seems others are coming around and trying to re-establish a relationship with you. Unfortunately we don't get to choose our family members but we do get to choose who doesn't need to be in our lives. I'm all for getting rid of toxic people in my life.
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Old 06-26-2017, 11:27 AM
 
1,789 posts, read 1,451,393 times
Reputation: 3680
Quote:
Originally Posted by Destiny74 View Post
I have a sister whom I don't want in my life. I haven't spoken with her in 6 years. She insists on texting me on holidays or birthdays, and sometimes texts my son, who also doesn't want her in his life. Usually this isn't an issue as we just stay away from her. Occasionally there will be a bridal or baby shower where we are in the same room. I avoid eye contact with her, and stay far away. If I happen to look her way and see her, I look away. I do not wish to know what she is doing, who she is talking to or what she is saying. She clearly should know I am not close to her. These are my ways of setting boundaries. However. She will follow me around to watch what I do. She loves to interrupt me when conversing with others. And she will talk really loudly when she wants me to hear what she is saying. It is difficult as I no longer go to family holidays just to avoid her. I just want her to let it go, to just leave me alone. Unfortunately she lives with my Dad. I very rarely go there, I talk to him on the phone or sometimes he comes over to visit.
Do any of you have people that don't respect boundaries, or just do not understand them? What do you do?
I really don't know if she is truly clueless or spiteful.
You cannot control what your sister does, only what you do in response.

You are letting her control you without even being there. You need to stop letting her dictate who you see, when you see them and how you see them.

Don't avoid eye contact, just look around the room normally and have normal conversation with other people. When you happen to make eye contact with her, just keep your eyes moving like she is a complete stranger. Like she has no effect on you.

If she tries to talk to you, politely and calmly interrupt her and state "I have nothing to say to you" or something short and simple and direct. No emotion. Then walk past her and ignore her.

Don't let her interfere with your relationship with other family members, especially your Dad. Just call your Dad and offer to take him for coffee or out to eat or just to the park with your kids.

Instruct your kids to immediately inform you if she contacts them. Then inform her that she isn't allowed to speak to your kids.

These types of people thrive on whatever control you give them. If she sees she is impacting you or forcing you into certain behavior she will continue. You are not going to win until you stop letting her do this.

Just be aware that doing this will push her into some type of change. She will either get bored of the routine and drop it or more likely she will escalate it. Be prepared for her to ratchet up the drama, and when she does you will know that its finally you that has control of the situation. Just be firm and don't get emotional. Be prepared to get called out in some dramatic fashion in front of the family or friends....just keep your cool and state again that you have nothing to say to her, or tell her to please excuse herself as you were in the middle of a discussion that she isn't welcome in etc.
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Old 06-26-2017, 12:55 PM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,715,678 times
Reputation: 41129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Destiny74 View Post
I haven't used 'my words' so far because my sister is narcissistic and cannot deal with rejection or shame.
Even more reason to simply stay away from those events. It doesn't matter whether you use your words or not; a narcissist will always turn it around on you.

Walk away.
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Old 06-26-2017, 01:27 PM
 
9,829 posts, read 5,030,238 times
Reputation: 33969
Quote:
Originally Posted by Destiny74 View Post
Yes, it has been difficult. I have accepted the fact that since I have the problem with her, I am left out of a lot of family gatherings. I believe God has make good come of this. My children have benefitted the most from this change. My Dad and other sisters are coming around to having their own relationship with me.
I haven't used 'my words' so far because my sister is narcissistic and cannot deal with rejection or shame. She will get revenge. I have been tip-toeing around her to avoid setting her off. But I will consider this more thouroughly.
So instead of clearly defining the rejection once and for all, you're dancing around the subject and quasi-rejecting her each time the two of you are in the same place. How waiting for her to recognize this imaginary line in the sand causing LESS drama?
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:21 PM
 
6,839 posts, read 3,875,670 times
Reputation: 15612
Spiteful. She's rubbing your nose in it. Try not to react in any way and don't talk about her to other relatives. ANY reaction on your part will be fuel to her.
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Old 06-26-2017, 02:46 PM
 
Location: Pennsylvania & New Jersey
1,497 posts, read 3,537,597 times
Reputation: 1636
If you want to stop the text messaging and phone calls, just block her number.
Solutions: 2, Drama: 0
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Old 06-26-2017, 03:15 PM
 
Location: on the wind
7,173 posts, read 2,942,978 times
Reputation: 24265
Quote:
Originally Posted by Destiny74 View Post
Yes, it has been difficult. I have accepted the fact that since I have the problem with her, I am left out of a lot of family gatherings. I have been tip-toeing around her to avoid setting her off. But I will consider this more thouroughly.
You are giving her power even if she isn't aware of it. Sounds as if she's getting what she wants....pushing your buttons for whatever reason and making you tiptoe. I have a bullying spiteful busybody sister who has made me miserable over and over again for 50 years. There have been horrible fights followed by years when I have not spoken to her. But, thinking back, I probably suffered over them more than she did. She is usually the one who initiates contact again, but after being burned time after time I have learned to stay very superficial with her. I don't start anything, don't actively ignore her, don't initiate contacts but stay boringly civil if she does. There are times when family is more important and you just have to tolerate her. I had to deal with this sister a lot when my dad declined during the past 2 years of his life and while settling his estate. She behaved badly toward me, to my other sister, other relatives, even to the attorney the entire time and it still hurts, but I had to carry out my dad's wishes no matter how much misery she caused. I know I succeeded and no one can take that away. Learn deflection skills to shut her down (there are lots of good ones), don't hurt yourself by avoiding family. Don't feed her desire for drama, revenge, or to play the victim (oh pity me, so-and-so is so mean and won't talk to me). Do not permit her to dictate what events you go to. When you stop being her punching bag it will give you some satisfaction to see her fume helplessly over it. Maybe others in your family will follow your example and even give you bravos for it later.
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Old 06-26-2017, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,905 posts, read 14,406,502 times
Reputation: 30811
Quote:
Originally Posted by AllisonHB View Post
You are giving her power even if she isn't aware of it. Sounds as if she's getting what she wants....pushing your buttons for whatever reason and making you tiptoe. I have a bullying spiteful busybody sister who has made me miserable over and over again for 50 years. There have been horrible fights followed by years when I have not spoken to her. But, thinking back, I probably suffered over them more than she did. She is usually the one who initiates contact again, but after being burned time after time I have learned to stay very superficial with her. I don't start anything, don't actively ignore her, don't initiate contacts but stay boringly civil if she does. There are times when family is more important and you just have to tolerate her. I had to deal with this sister a lot when my dad declined during the past 2 years of his life and while settling his estate. She behaved badly toward me, to my other sister, other relatives, even to the attorney the entire time and it still hurts, but I had to carry out my dad's wishes no matter how much misery she caused. I know I succeeded and no one can take that away. Learn deflection skills to shut her down (there are lots of good ones), don't hurt yourself by avoiding family. Don't feed her desire for drama, revenge, or to play the victim (oh pity me, so-and-so is so mean and won't talk to me). Do not permit her to dictate what events you go to. When you stop being her punching bag it will give you some satisfaction to see her fume helplessly over it. Maybe others in your family will follow your example and even give you bravos for it later.
The best advice yet in a difficult family situation.
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Old 06-26-2017, 05:36 PM
 
258 posts, read 153,632 times
Reputation: 644
I agree.

To confront her with verbal boundaries as some people said is just not smart. Examples of what she's done: Got pregnant at 18, married the 'dad', divorced 'dad' who paid child support for 6 years, and then smugly told him he was never even the true father. When her daughter had cancer, my sister thought she may die, so accused her daughter's husband of molesting her other daughter as a way to get custody of cancer daughters baby (didn't work), accused 2 ex husbands of rape during the divorce process, accused my mom of sexual abuse when she was a kid as a way to blackmail my mom into doing whatever she wanted, and so on. This just isn't a person you want to **** off.
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