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I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My brother has been in a relationship with this woman for maybe a little over a year or two (I only just met her a year ago). They just recently had a baby, and she has a two year old son from a relationship prior to my brother with a guy who is not in his life.
We found out she was pregnant, then she got fired from her job (not related to her pregnancy, but from what I understand she was doing something she wasn't supposed to). Since then everything has gone downhill. She at first didn't want to get another job, then she said she would get one after the baby was born but never made any effort, and then suddenly she started working for her uncle. My brother is doing everything on his own. They have to share a car since she wasn't paying her car payment and it got repossessed. She wanted my parents to get a loan for her so she could get a car, but she wanted a 2015 year car and my parents told her to ask her family to help her. Of course they couldn't/wouldn't help her so my parents ended up getting a small loan to get her a car (nowhere near what she wanted) so my brother wouldn't need to be escorted everywhere.
Now that she's "working" you would think she would have money and would want to help with bills and items for the baby, right? Nope, wrong. My brother asked her for half of the cellphone bill, she got mad and threw her phone at him and said she wouldn't have enough money to get her nails done. Just so my brother wouldn't be broke I ended up paying her half. A lot of the times she asks me "Hey can you buy a walker/bouncer for the baby?" or she'll ask for anything for my nephew and I'll get it because I don't want him to go without. She's called me selfish for not wanting to spend all of my money on her kids. My brother has told us multiple times that he is tired of her and if it wasn't for the baby she would be long gone. And I even think she knows that since she has the baby everyone is going to make sure she's taken care of.
My brother was struggling to get money together for the baby's diapers while she was out driving his car. Where is her money going? Mind you, her two year old stays with her grandparents full-time and rarely does he spend the night with them so she's not spending the money on her kids.
Everyone is a bit scared to say anything because she is the type to take the baby away and never let us see him. But, we also don't want our brother/son struggling like that to take care of her and the kids (he's currently in the process of getting a better job so hopefully that will help).
My mom wants to sit both of them down and tell her that he can't do it alone and she needs to contribute something, but she's not sure what to say or how to say it without upsetting her. Any help?
My mom wants to sit both of them down and tell her that he can't do it alone and she needs to contribute something, but she's not sure what to say or how to say it without upsetting her. Any help?
Of course it is going to upset her. She can't get whatever she wants and is going to have to work for things, like the rest of the world. Don't worry about upsetting her - worry about that poor baby.
No one is going to talk sense to her. If your brother is only staying because of the baby, he'll eventually tire of the drama and the relationship will end. Then she'll take the baby just as everyone feared. Your best bet is to secure a good family law attorney who can advise the father and grandparents of their rights before that happens. In the meantime, any gifts you or your parents give should be expressly for the baby in the form of clothes, toys, gear, etc., but never money (unless its set up in a custodial account for the baby with you and/or your parents as custodians), because the baby-mama will use that for herself. Give gifts because you want to, not because you feel obligated. Your brother made this mess by having unprotected sex with a low-rent gold digger and its up to him to deal with the consequences. The most important things he can do is love his child, be there for him as he grows, and better his own job prospects so he can decently support his child. He should consider gaining full custody. Maybe your parents can offer to babysit while he works for a better future for this little life he created. Because leaving his child in the care of this selfish woman will end up being damaging in the long run. I watched the exact same scenario play out with my husband's cousin and his kids are paying the ultimate price because of their trailer trash mother.
If anyone buys clothes for the baby remove the labels so she can't return them and get things for herself. I would do this with anything bought for the baby.
I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My brother has been in a relationship with this woman for maybe a little over a year or two (I only just met her a year ago). They just recently had a baby, and she has a two year old son from a relationship prior to my brother with a guy who is not in his life.
We found out she was pregnant, then she got fired from her job (not related to her pregnancy, but from what I understand she was doing something she wasn't supposed to). Since then everything has gone downhill. She at first didn't want to get another job, then she said she would get one after the baby was born but never made any effort, and then suddenly she started working for her uncle. My brother is doing everything on his own. They have to share a car since she wasn't paying her car payment and it got repossessed. She wanted my parents to get a loan for her so she could get a car, but she wanted a 2015 year car and my parents told her to ask her family to help her. Of course they couldn't/wouldn't help her so my parents ended up getting a small loan to get her a car (nowhere near what she wanted) so my brother wouldn't need to be escorted everywhere.
Now that she's "working" you would think she would have money and would want to help with bills and items for the baby, right? Nope, wrong. My brother asked her for half of the cellphone bill, she got mad and threw her phone at him and said she wouldn't have enough money to get her nails done. Just so my brother wouldn't be broke I ended up paying her half. A lot of the times she asks me "Hey can you buy a walker/bouncer for the baby?" or she'll ask for anything for my nephew and I'll get it because I don't want him to go without. She's called me selfish for not wanting to spend all of my money on her kids. My brother has told us multiple times that he is tired of her and if it wasn't for the baby she would be long gone. And I even think she knows that since she has the baby everyone is going to make sure she's taken care of.
My brother was struggling to get money together for the baby's diapers while she was out driving his car. Where is her money going? Mind you, her two year old stays with her grandparents full-time and rarely does he spend the night with them so she's not spending the money on her kids.
Everyone is a bit scared to say anything because she is the type to take the baby away and never let us see him. But, we also don't want our brother/son struggling like that to take care of her and the kids (he's currently in the process of getting a better job so hopefully that will help).
My mom wants to sit both of them down and tell her that he can't do it alone and she needs to contribute something, but she's not sure what to say or how to say it without upsetting her. Any help?
Edit: Just to clarify, they do live together.
It seems like it is working well for her. Your whole family chips in. Nice.
I would go to the court system. Brother needs to pay support. Not more and not less.
I doubt she wants full custody since she doesn't even want to take care of the other child.
Advise your brother to move out, ask for custody if he wants it and use birth control in the future.
No one is going to talk sense to her. If your brother is only staying because of the baby, he'll eventually tire of the drama and the relationship will end. Then she'll take the baby just as everyone feared.
Your best bet is to secure a good family law attorney who can advise the father and grandparents of their rights before that happens. In the meantime, any gifts you or your parents give should be expressly for the baby in the form of clothes, toys, gear, etc., but never money (unless its set up in a custodial account for the baby with you and/or your parents as custodians), because the baby-mama will use that for herself. Give gifts because you want to, not because you feel obligated. Your brother made this mess by having unprotected sex with a low-rent gold digger and its up to him to deal with the consequences. The most important things he can do is love his child, be there for him as he grows, and better his own job prospects so he can decently support his child.
He should consider gaining full custody. Maybe your parents can offer to babysit while he works for a better future for this little life he created. Because leaving his child in the care of this selfish woman will end up being damaging in the long run. I watched the exact same scenario play out with my husband's cousin and his kids are paying the ultimate price because of their trailer trash mother.
There is absolutely no reason why the grandparents and the aunt should be supporting this child. Does the baby gave enough food to eat? Does he have diapers? Does he have enough clothes (even if they are from garage sales or Goodwill)? Does he have one or two toys and a few books? Does the baby have a car seat?
Then the baby will be fine. This is especially true if the baby's mom is spending her paycheck on manicures and not on things for her own baby.
Another good case on why to not get pregnant until your married. Then only if you can afford a child. Obviously your brother didn't know this lady as much as he thought. He needs to move out and request full custody because she doesn't want to work( even though she is working now)and child support will only do so much. She has taken advantage of your family's good nature now the time has come to fight her in the courts.
There is absolutely no reason why the grandparents and the aunt should be supporting this child. Does the baby gave enough food to eat? Does he have diapers? Does he have enough clothes (even if they are from garage sales or Goodwill)? Does he have one or two toys and a few books? Does the baby have a car seat?
Then the baby will be fine. This is especially true if the baby's mom is spending her paycheck on manicures and not on things for her own baby.
The baby does have food, clothes, toys, etc. She gets government assistance so they provide the formula for her. I'm assuming the food stamps she gets goes to her grandmother for solely taking care of her other child.
I understand your concern OP, but this is not your problem nor is it your mother's. "Sitting her down" to tell her (gf) what she already knows is pointless. It's totally your brother's responsibility to deal with his own relationship and parenting issues.
I understand your concern OP, but this is not your problem nor is it your mother's. "Sitting her down" to tell her (gf) what she already knows is pointless. It's totally your brother's responsibility to deal with his own relationship and parenting issues.
+1.
It isn't you or your mom's place to "sit down" adults anyway...
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