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Old 07-05-2017, 06:58 AM
 
Location: DFW/Texas
922 posts, read 1,104,736 times
Reputation: 3800

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Last weekend my MIL was over at our house and DH, MIL and myself were talking about concerts in the area. There is a particular artist playing that we all like and my MIL and I expressed interest in seeing. DH was more along the lines of, "I like him but I'd rather see so-and-so instead". My MIL gets on this bandwagon to me that the 2 of us should go see this artist together and I expressed some mild interest but told her that I'd really want my DH to go with.

She said she wanted to buy tickets right then, that she'd pay for them and was badgering me about going and I told her that while I am interested, to NOT buy tickets until I think about it some more and she talked to me again. I repeated myself when she was leaving, too.

Well, she didn't listen and came over last night for dinner and fireworks and told me that she bought the tickets so, "We're going, your DH will be here waiting for you!" I just looked at her and said, "Uhhh, okay..." and then one of my kids asked me a question and the conversation didn't get brought up again with all the 4th of July chaos.

I'm PI$$ED. Look, this is not about me being ungrateful, not AT ALL. I'm flattered that she would offer to buy me a ticket to a concert, and even slightly suspicious because she is a notorious cheapskate. I had told my MIL that very day that DH and I have been going through a hard time the last several months because of his work schedule, our lack of time alone, cancelled weekend trips, etc. We've been so busy that it's been very hard to connect and it's been affecting our relationship. So, if there is a concert opportunity presenting itself, I want to go with my DH, NOT my MIL

Between now and the concert, every weekend is taken up with some sort of event so my DH and I once again have to put off being together. Being together during the work week consists of him coming home late, eating dinner as a family, putting our kids to bed and then HIM going to bed. So, literally, no time to go out and be alone or even really be alone at home.

This weekend some of our family is coming out and staying with my MIL but we're all going to be together. The following weekend our family will still be in town but will be leaving. The next weekend is the last weekend before my DH goes on call and it's the weekend of the concert. I didn't want to commit to the concert because I was hoping to get some alone time in with my husband before he went on call, which is a huge deal because he works even more. So, instead of DH and I spending time with each other and/or our kids, we'll be tangled up with other obligations.

I explained to my DH that I'm ticked off because my MIL took away my choice to go to the concert or not go- I'll look like a total b&^ch if I decline the invite, especially since my MIL doesn't have any friends she could go with (she moved here about 7 months ago and has yet to branch out- that's another issue). I'd rather be with him and our kids as a family and do something together this summer for once, since it hasn't happened yet. We don't go on long vacations- my husband's job doesn't allow for it. I have several friends who are spending up to 2 weeks in various places around the world this summer and I just want to go camping with my DH and our kiddos for a weekend.

DH told me that he understood exactly what I was feeling and agreed that his mom should have called me before buying the tickets but that he does think I'd have a good time. And I probably WILL have a good time, but I'd much rather that it be with HIM.

I wish that my MIL had given me the opportunity to decline the invite because I was planning on doing just that. She knew I didn't really want to go with just her and yet she didn't respect what I said and did it anyway- and she knows that me telling her "thank you, but no" makes me look bad. This whole thing just ticks me off and I know that I probably sound ungrateful but I'm not, really.

I just miss being with my husband and want to spend some time with him.
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Old 07-05-2017, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
19,480 posts, read 25,023,395 times
Reputation: 51113
This may sound simplistic but how about one of those times that Hubby comes home to eat dinner as a family and put the kids to bed you get a babysitter (or MIL) to do those things and you and Hubby have a quiet romantic dinner together. There is nothing magic about date night having to be a Friday or Saturday night. What about a Tuesday? Or Thursday? Even an hour or two alone on a regular basis can do wonders for your relationship.

And, don't blame your cancelled weekend trips on your MIL (unless she really is to blame). And are you really going to spend ALL of both weekends with those out-of-town relatives? I rather doubt it. Carve out some family time then.

But, yes, your MIL shouldn't have bought the tickets without talking to you first. Is it possible that Hubby told her to do that because HE wanted a quiet evening home alone with HIS kids before his busy work schedule?
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Old 07-05-2017, 07:58 AM
 
Location: DFW/Texas
922 posts, read 1,104,736 times
Reputation: 3800
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
This may sound simplistic but how about one of those times that Hubby comes home to eat dinner as a family and put the kids to bed you get a babysitter (or MIL) to do those things and you and Hubby have a quiet romantic dinner together. There is nothing magic about date night having to be a Friday or Saturday night. What about a Tuesday? Or Thursday? Even an hour or two alone on a regular basis can do wonders for your relationship.

And, don't blame your cancelled weekend trips on your MIL (unless she really is to blame). And are you really going to spend ALL of both weekends with those out-of-town relatives? I rather doubt it. Carve out some family time then.

But, yes, your MIL shouldn't have bought the tickets without talking to you first. Is it possible that Hubby told her to do that because HE wanted a quiet evening home alone with HIS kids before his busy work schedule?

That's the thing- carving out time during the work week is nearly impossible because the time my DH has between the time he gets home and the time he goes to bed is very limited. He often has to squeeze in research and reading in that time frame, too. Add in dinner, household things we're both taking care of, child care....the time slips away. I've told my DH that we need to be more deliberate in our time during the week and he agrees so we're trying to do little things to make that happen.

I'm not blaming my MIL for our cancelled weekend trips, etc- I was just using them as examples of the lack of time my husband and I have been missing with each other. To be honest, we are going to be spending pretty much this whole weekend with our out-of-town family, which is fine with us, as we haven't seen them in a long time. I was just hoping that we could carve out some alone time and family time in the next few weeks and not just an afternoon. We need and deserve to get away and just relax.

No, I can say with 100% certainty that my DH did not tell his mom to buy me a ticket so he could spend time with our kids by himself.
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Old 07-05-2017, 08:31 AM
 
284 posts, read 377,163 times
Reputation: 501
It's a few hours that you're spending with HIS mother -- look at it as helping him so he doesn't have to do it. What a sweet thing for you to do for him. And make it even more special when you get home.
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Old 07-05-2017, 08:40 AM
 
35,508 posts, read 17,770,829 times
Reputation: 50496
In general is she like this, or is this really a one-off and she thought you very much wanted to go but would feel guilty about it so she's done this as a gift? If this is a pattern of her pretending to not understand nuances in your family, that's a bigger problem and needs to be dealt with.

Maybe someone else would like to go with her?
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Old 07-05-2017, 08:46 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
704 posts, read 570,991 times
Reputation: 2576
I get your frustration...I'd be pissed off too. If it were my MIL, I would have a frank conversation with her about this. I would tell her I appreciate her generosity, but you had told her that you wanted to wait...and state exactly what you wrote here. If you decide to go, tell her that next time you would appreciate she respect what you say. Without attitude (even though she deserves it!), discuss it with her openly.
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Old 07-05-2017, 09:53 AM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,075,868 times
Reputation: 32726
I completely understand why you are upset about having the choice taken away. My mom did that to me once and it felt awful. That was my wedding, though, so..

That said, it is 1 evening. She's not taking you away from you husband for a week or even a day. It's one night. I don't see it as a big deal. I would be much more upset that she didn't listen to you.
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Old 07-05-2017, 09:57 AM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,075,868 times
Reputation: 32726
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berrie143 View Post
That's the thing- carving out time during the work week is nearly impossible because the time my DH has between the time he gets home and the time he goes to bed is very limited. He often has to squeeze in research and reading in that time frame, too. Add in dinner, household things we're both taking care of, child care....the time slips away. I've told my DH that we need to be more deliberate in our time during the week and he agrees so we're trying to do little things to make that happen.

I'm not blaming my MIL for our cancelled weekend trips, etc- I was just using them as examples of the lack of time my husband and I have been missing with each other. To be honest, we are going to be spending pretty much this whole weekend with our out-of-town family, which is fine with us, as we haven't seen them in a long time. I was just hoping that we could carve out some alone time and family time in the next few weeks and not just an afternoon. We need and deserve to get away and just relax.

No, I can say with 100% certainty that my DH did not tell his mom to buy me a ticket so he could spend time with our kids by himself.
We spend most of our time working and at kids activities. This is the season of life we are in. We accept it and know it won't last forever.
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Old 07-05-2017, 11:26 AM
 
Location: DFW/Texas
922 posts, read 1,104,736 times
Reputation: 3800
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pedal Wench View Post
It's a few hours that you're spending with HIS mother -- look at it as helping him so he doesn't have to do it. What a sweet thing for you to do for him. And make it even more special when you get home.

That's a very good way to look at it, thank you. I'm going to try to approach this differently and not be so butt hurt about it. But I WILL be telling her that she needs to confirm details with me before going and spending money on things. It makes me feel obligated to go because she did that and that is something that I dealt with with my own parents and deliberately got away from- they would spend money on me in some way and then have expectations of me to show them how much I appreciated it, even though I never asked for it. Their "generosity" came with a lot of strings attached. Brings back some unpleasant memories for me.
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Old 07-05-2017, 11:43 AM
 
16,715 posts, read 19,336,312 times
Reputation: 41481
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berrie143 View Post
I just miss being with my husband and want to spend some time with him.
So tell her that.

I would say I appreciate the gift, but there was a reason I asked her not to buy the tickets, and that's because I want to spend time with my husband alone, and I cannot go with you that weekend.

Then I'd suggest she take a friend.
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