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Old 07-02-2017, 06:37 PM
 
Location: NY to NJ
662 posts, read 824,837 times
Reputation: 1053

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Quote:
Originally Posted by BOS2IAD View Post
I've known people on both extremes of the spectrum. At one workplace, I had some co-workers on each end. One was an older woman who said very little about herself. I knew that she was a widow and a retired teacher, had a set of grown twins and some grandkids. One day, she told me that one of the twins lived in my town. I asked her where in town they were. She glared at me and paused, then mentioned a general area. It's not like I was demanding her child's address and phone number. She was like that when it came to other topics about her---acting like you wanted her deepest secrets. After a while it became uncomfortable trying to make small talk with her.

On the other end of the extreme at the same workplace --- A mother and daughter worked there. They were constantly airing their dirty laundry and neither seemed to have no shame in doing so. Now, that was uncomfortable. So many times I wanted to say "too much information".

I once had a boss at a different workplace who had no problem airing her dirty laundry at work. After I started working for her, I would answer the phone and take messages for her. She told me she didn't know those people and said they were bill collectors. Figuring that she told me this in confidence, I kept it to myself. It turned out that everybody in the department knew in great detail about it! If bill collectors were after me, I wouldn't be bragging about it!
I am also your old co-worker. Why was I like that? Because I didn't like you and/or knew you were a gossip My co-workers knew pretty much 0 about my personal life and I liked it that way. Then we had gossiping car-car who would let it "slip out" to the whole office when she gave a guy oral after a date. Attention much
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:41 PM
 
Location: NY to NJ
662 posts, read 824,837 times
Reputation: 1053
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murk View Post
It amazes me the psychological armchair quarterbacking that goes on any time someone's personality doesn't mesh 100% with another person's.

The OP appears to be open and casually reveals when they're going to (examples) wash their car or run to the bakery, etc.

The friend of the OP says he has an errand instead. It's true, apparently, and unless he's skulking around and acting shifty, a perfectly normal response to a question.

Maybe... just maybe... they have different personalities. How on Earth does a different type of personality turn into a disorder or deep-seated evil or something from their childhood or some type of con artist plot?

Does everyone really have friends only that are just like themselves? That is so weird to me.
Right? Talk about the over-analization (sp), or maybe just a thing with internet forums lol
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:51 PM
 
Location: At mah house
615 posts, read 312,665 times
Reputation: 940
Quote:
You sound very judgmental in your last paragraph.

Some one who likes to talk a lot and thinks s/he is sharing everything with others thinks that's good, and wants or thinks other people need to be like her/him. On the other hand, someone else may think that person is annoying and nosy. And there are people who like/appreciate people who don't talk too much and don't ask them too many questions.

You just have to understand that everyone is different. You cannot expect others to be like you, as you don't want someone expects you to be like him or her. Accept people for who they are, and so you can have long lasting friendships with others. If you think someone should be like you or like this and that person, you are unreasonable and like a narcissist.
I'm sure I did come off judgmental in my post. It's one thing I have to work on (see, I'm open to critique ), but I look at things this way. If it's something I'd tell my son, I don't mind telling someone else. Not in a talking-down-to-them kind of way, but in a rough-and-tough-love kind of way. The way I talk to my son sometimes is uncompromising, because I want him to be the kind of man who has a rhyme and reason for the choices he makes, even if I don't agree with them. I don't want him to be someone who develops traits that then become habits that then form his character just because nobody ever checked him on it. That's how you get people who always seem to struggle to make ends meet, struggle to have good friendships and relationships with women, struggle to keep jobs, etc. Because they do things not out of necessity or pragmatism, but habit.

So some of that tough love rolls into my conversation with other people in my life. But it's still love, y'know?

Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
OP this is what you just said Personality traits that aren't conducive to strong relationships (romantic or otherwise) don't necessarily go away over time. They go away once you're made to confront it. That's why I called him out on it. He knows me, so he knows if I'm bringing it up, it's not just judgment made to make him feel bad.

You're making this all about you, and how you think people should act.

If you have been friends with someone for over 10 years, you like them, they like you, they're a decent person but chooses not to into every detail of what is going on in their lives, accept that or don't bother with them.

They don't have to live by your rules.
You're right. But I look at it this way: if I had a friend and there was something I was doing that was kind of BS, I'd want them to call me out on it if I was treating them as less of a friend. It's not about living by my rules. Like the one poster said, it's mildly insulting when you're secretive about mundane things. It's not like I ask dude whether he likes boxers or briefs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by the minx View Post
No kidding.

He didn't specify his errand so he's "skulking" around? Seriously.

If he had said he was washing his car, I'm sure op would wonder why he didn't say where he was going to wash his car. Where does it end?
LOL, I can assure you I would not have done that.
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Old 07-02-2017, 06:54 PM
 
7,049 posts, read 8,539,598 times
Reputation: 8798
Quote:
over-analization
We really don't need to know you're out getting Preparation-H.
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:03 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,306 posts, read 4,478,964 times
Reputation: 26680
Wow. That is really presumptuous of you, OP, to think you know what's best for your friend.

He obviously doesn't *want* to be close to you. It's not hard to imagine why. You say you're big-hearted, I say you're overbearing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdmil View Post
But I look at it this way: if I had a friend and there was something I was doing that was kind of BS, I'd want them to call me out on it if I was treating them as less of a friend.
He's not you. I can't think of a simpler way to say that.
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:12 PM
 
609 posts, read 225,047 times
Reputation: 1606
Quote:
Originally Posted by jdmil
I'm sure I did come off judgmental in my post. It's one thing I have to work on (see, I'm open to critique ), but I look at things this way. If it's something I'd tell my son, I don't mind telling someone else. Not in a talking-down-to-them kind of way, but in a rough-and-tough-love kind of way. The way I talk to my son sometimes is uncompromising, because I want him to be the kind of man who has a rhyme and reason for the choices he makes, even if I don't agree with them. I don't want him to be someone who develops traits that then become habits that then form his character just because nobody ever checked him on it. That's how you get people who always seem to struggle to make ends meet, struggle to have good friendships and relationships with women, struggle to keep jobs, etc. Because they do things not out of necessity or pragmatism, but habit.

So some of that tough love rolls into my conversation with other people in my life. But it's still love, y'know?
Yes, I believe you have a good heart.

However, you need to know there are three types of people: introvert, extrovert and another in between. The characters of the first two types are quite opposite. And you cannot say this type is better than that type.

You cannot change others. You can only change yourself. If you want your friendship lasts, you help whatever you can and learn to listen more. If he wants to keep an arm length, give him room. You can think of the things like you say in the last paragraph of your first post, but many others may not think so.

Last edited by AnOrdinaryCitizen; 07-02-2017 at 07:29 PM..
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,671,579 times
Reputation: 20535
Quote:
Originally Posted by jdmil View Post

I actually think he likes that I tease him. He jokes back at me, so it's mutual combat. But I kind of called him out on it for real this time. If I were the type to not respect his privacy, we wouldn't have been friends for over ten years. I respect his privacy. But when "your privacy" consists of "mundane errand running", give me a break.
Teasing you back could be his way of coping with your teasing. He probably doesn't like it or enjoy it. You don't respect his privacy. If you did you wouldn't have started a thread complaining about him. There's no point in calling someone out for wanting their privacy. It's their privacy. Not yours.

Last edited by ss20ts; 07-02-2017 at 08:06 PM..
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,671,579 times
Reputation: 20535
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
OP this is what you just said Personality traits that aren't conducive to strong relationships (romantic or otherwise) don't necessarily go away over time. They go away once you're made to confront it. That's why I called him out on it. He knows me, so he knows if I'm bringing it up, it's not just judgment made to make him feel bad.

You're making this all about you, and how you think people should act.

If you have been friends with someone for over 10 years, you like them, they like you, they're a decent person but chooses not to into every detail of what is going on in their lives, accept that or don't bother with them.

They don't have to live by your rules.
Exactly! How can a person claim to be a friend, but impose rules about how they should live their life?
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:48 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
12,304 posts, read 10,671,579 times
Reputation: 20535
[quote=jdmil;48708216

It would be like if I told someone me and my son are having "Italian food" instead of "lasagna" for dinner tonight.[/QUOTE]

Who needs that kind of detail about what someone else ate?
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Old 07-02-2017, 07:50 PM
 
Location: San Diego
561 posts, read 423,464 times
Reputation: 537
Ever have a one-sided friendship? That is, you are that person's friend, but they are not yours, or they are your friend, but you are not theirs? I have. Quite a fair amount, and it's frustrating, either not being able to earn their friendship, or being trapped by their presence in your life. Don't entrap people.

This has been a Public Service Message from Native Transplant.
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