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OP, I think your friend is simply an INTP according to the Myers-Briggs breakdown of 16 personality types. There is nothing wrong with his behaviour. I fall into this category too but it's mainly because I've been surrounded by people who have taken issue with what I'm doing, where I'm going or why. Or sometimes I don't feel like small talk.
Mother on phone: Sounds like you have a cold.
-Yes, it's been a week now.. almost gone, I think!
Mum: Are you taking echinacea?
-Oh yes, lots of it!
Mum: good!
Compared to.....
Mother on phone: Sounds like you have a cold.
-Yes, it's been a week now.. almost gone, I think!
Mum: Are you taking echinacea?
-No, I did try it the last time you mentioned it but it didn't seem to help.
Mum: Of course it helped. It's like a miracle, you probably would have been worse without it
-Yeah, maybe.
Mum: Maybe? So you think I'm wasting my money?
-No, if it helps you, that's fine.
Mum: well are you saying it's all in the mind?
-Well no, but (stress, not enjoying this exchange)
Mum: Do you wear your slippers or still walking around with bare feet??
-Aaaaaaaaaarrrghhhhhhhhh
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
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Location: USA
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I'm one of those people who keep almost everyone at arm's length. I've been hurt too much in the past by people who I thought were my friends, even family treated me like I was a retard because of my Deafness and mild heart defect. So, it's hard for me to trust and be open to letting others into my life.
I just got into a slightly elevated (wouldn't call it a fight) with a friend of mine. He's one of those people who are kind of secretive, almost out of habit at this point, for basically no reason. He's one of those guys who, if ask him where he's going, he'll be like, "I just have an errand to run". It's not like he's going to the drug store for Preparation H and he doesn't want to share, it'll be something simple like going to wash his truck. Here's the thing: I've known and been friends with this guy for well over ten years and he's always been detached and secretive like that. I've teased him about it, because that's what I do , but today I kinda called him out on it because he was doing that same thing for no reason.
He says I'm being weird and he's just a private person. Part of it is I'm a big-hearted person (I'm a Southerner and a Leo), so I care about the people I care about, if that makes sense. And I understand being a private person (well, sort of), but this is habitually keeping people at arm's length for basically no reason. Even if someone asks a semi-private question, they probably don't care in the sense that they can't go on with their day unless they know your every innermost secret.
I basically told him he's getting too old for that stuff. He's almost forty, hasn't seriously dated anybody in the time I've known him, and he still acts like the shy kid in school who the teacher asks to go up to the chalkboard and work out a math problem. Most people in the world don't give a hoot about you, and the people who do aren't out to get you. If you keep people at arm's length, don't be surprised when you look around and don't have anybody. You have to be the kind of person who lets people care about you or you're going to be the person nobody cares about. And you'll have all the privacy in the world because nobody's interested.
OP, I don't get this. Do you want to know the banal details of the errands he runs? Why would you want to know that? It seems like an odd thing to complain about. I thought you were going to be talking about how he doesn't share anything about his family background, or any personal difficulties, or something; things that contribute to intimacy. But instead, you're miffed because he doesn't share incredibly tedious details about his everyday life? OP, maybe it never crossed his mind anyone would be interested in such minutia.
I'm not over-bearing. Like I said, at best, when he acts like he's conducting Top Secret government business when he's just going to the store for milk, I just shrug it off or make some wiseass comment, we laugh, and move on. I'm bringing it up here now because I did mention it to him on a more serious note, but that's because it's a little weird to be that dodgy over little things.
That's your interpretation. He's a guy (like many, possibly most, people) to whom it doesn't occur to share the petty details of his weekend errands. Most people aren't interested in that stuff. It's quite normal for someone to say, "Well, I gotta go. Nice talking to you, but I've got some errands to attend to." NO ONE asks in such situations, "Oh, what errands? Where are you going?" That would be weird. People don't normally take an interest in each others' errands, OP. You're unusual in this regard. Sharing laundry lists of each other's errands or weekend chores is not what builds intimacy. In fact, that kind of trivia is what some people use in conversation to obstruct the development of intimacy. It's sharing one's emotional life, and some aspects of one's personal history, that builds intimacy.
OP, to be honest, your friend sounds like the normal one in the duo. Sorry.
How do you get from a person not sharing the minutiae of their lives to being secretive? Also, as a Southerner I feel that it's a stereotype that we are so outgoing and super friendly--some are, some are not--I'm not at all! I agree wholeheartedly that if you give some people an inch they will take a mile.
I'm polite but have learned to set boundaries and not share everything I do, even with people I'm close to. I've learned, for instance, that "No" is a complete sentence--no explaining or making excuses all the time.
Here's a little Southern saying from long ago that explains how I feel, "If people will talk to you, they'll talk about you."
How do you get from a person not sharing the minutiae of their lives to being secretive? Also, as a Southerner I feel that it's a stereotype that we are so outgoing and super friendly--some are, some are not--I'm not at all! I agree wholeheartedly that if you give some people an inch they will take a mile.
I'm polite but have learned to set boundaries and not share everything I do, even with people I'm close to. I've learned, for instance, that "No" is a complete sentence--no explaining or making excuses all the time.
Here's a little Southern saying from long ago that explains how I feel, "If people will talk to you, they'll talk about you."
I agree with this reply 120%, and I'm a Yankee. ;-)
There is a very eloquent book from a few years ago on this subject - "Quiet - The Power of Silence in a World that can't stop Talking" by Susan Cain. Thoughtfulness is a valuable skill, imho.
Still waters run deep.
Last edited by LilyMae521; 10-27-2017 at 05:50 AM..
I agree with this reply 120%, and I'm a Yankee. ;-)
There is a very eloquent book from a few years ago on this subject - "Quiet - The Power of Silence in a World that can't stop Talking" by Susan Cain. Thoughtfulness is a valuable skill, imho.
Still waters run deep.
I love that book. It's a must read.
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, but today I kinda called him out on it because he was doing that same thing for no reason.
I love that book. It's a must read.
