People who keep everyone (including friends) at arm's length (male, person, narcissistic)
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I just got into a slightly elevated (wouldn't call it a fight) with a friend of mine. He's one of those people who are kind of secretive, almost out of habit at this point, for basically no reason. He's one of those guys who, if ask him where he's going, he'll be like, "I just have an errand to run". It's not like he's going to the drug store for Preparation H and he doesn't want to share, it'll be something simple like going to wash his truck. Here's the thing: I've known and been friends with this guy for well over ten years and he's always been detached and secretive like that. I've teased him about it, because that's what I do , but today I kinda called him out on it because he was doing that same thing for no reason.
He says I'm being weird and he's just a private person. Part of it is I'm a big-hearted person (I'm a Southerner and a Leo), so I care about the people I care about, if that makes sense. And I understand being a private person (well, sort of), but this is habitually keeping people at arm's length for basically no reason. Even if someone asks a semi-private question, they probably don't care in the sense that they can't go on with their day unless they know your every innermost secret.
I basically told him he's getting too old for that stuff. He's almost forty, hasn't seriously dated anybody in the time I've known him, and he still acts like the shy kid in school who the teacher asks to go up to the chalkboard and work out a math problem. Most people in the world don't give a hoot about you, and the people who do aren't out to get you. If you keep people at arm's length, don't be surprised when you look around and don't have anybody. You have to be the kind of person who lets people care about you or you're going to be the person nobody cares about. And you'll have all the privacy in the world because nobody's interested.
Well, he feels he has a right to keep things private and that's what matters. There is a reason....its how he chooses to be. Don't be judgmental stating he has "no reason". Everyone shares their personal life to a different degree. You can't force him to be anything but himself and you certainly can't expect him to behave just like you do with others. It doesn't seem as if he's trying to hide something illegal or immoral right? He doesn't seem to complain that he doesn't have a relationship does he? He's not an axe murderer or a masked superhero in his spare time is he? What's the problem?
IMHO if someone kept teasing me and then told me that I was "getting to old for that stuff" in this manner I would be very offended and hurt. And probably end up being even more private after such comments from a friend like you.
Last edited by Parnassia; 07-02-2017 at 03:43 PM..
I understand exactly what you mean, OP. I have a male friend who does the same thing. It can be exasperating. I know what you mean when you say "he does it for no reason".
You are not trying to get him to be like you are. He is being secretive on so many small things which is way beyond the norm.
I should say I 'had' a male friend who does this. As I had to cut off the friendship 3 months ago, after many years of friendship. (not for the reason you specify)
Maybe your friend thinks if he reveals tiny things he does that it will become expected that he reveal some larger things about himself or how he spends his time. And maybe he has some embarrassment about certain things in his life or about how he spends his time.
About 10 years ago, a friend of mine also told me that she felt like she knew nothing about me despite being friends for 14 years. I asked her what difference it would make and she didn't have an answer.
What difference would it make to you if he told you he was going to wash his car instead of saying he was just running an errand?
About 10 years ago, a friend of mine also told me that she felt like she knew nothing about me despite being friends for 14 years. I asked her what difference it would make and she didn't have an answer.
What difference would it make to you if he told you he was going to wash his car instead of saying he was just running an errand?
It impedes closeness for one thing. And people often are seeking some closeness with some friends.
It also impedes intimacy. And intimacy is sought with some friends. Not a sexual intimacy and closeness, but an emotional one.
Private people
Public people
And thats waaaay too much information people
There's always witness protection people
They all make the world go round
I agree. There are reasons why one chooses to not reveal a lot of information about themselves; and instead of others taking it personal, perhaps being respectful is the better option.
There may be things in their past that are painful for them and they choose not to talk abut it - and in some instances, if they reveal some of their 'life', people want to know more and more and don't let up.
The OP also mentioned about a friend not being specific about 'running errands'. . .one doesn't have to reveal everything they're about to do.
Run far, far away. I got burned once and learned my lesson.
Reel you in then cast you out.
Make you feel like they are your best friend then get very secretive.
blueherons, you're describing a sometime characteristic of 'narcissistic personality disorder' and sometimes 'borderline personality disorder.'
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, but today I kinda called him out on it because he was doing that same thing for no reason.
