Starting over in new city

[seain dublin]

Originally Posted by littlelou

Seain,

you're right not everybody goes to church. There are active church groups that are geared toward the 40-50 year olds. Many churches have a traditional service and a "modern" service for those who like music, and singing and dancing and hearing the message in an up beat fashion, not a bible thumping "you're all going to hell" sermon. And going to church doesn't mean just the service - they have events too - dinners, movies, concerts, options.
You have to put yourself out there and meet people, then you get together for mutual events - dinners, movies, etc. Acquaintances turn into friends. At least that's how I've met and made friends. And I think you'd be surprised how many women over 40 attend sporting events alone. I am a hockey fan and when I moved to Charlotte in 2002, I went to a few games 'cuz I enjoy the game. I sat with the funnest group of people - went back the next weekend and got the same seat - fast forward to the next season and I bought season tickets in that area and have been close friends with those 8 people for over 14 years!! When I moved to Savannah, I went to the Savannah Sand Gnats - minor league baseball games and again met some great people - didn't get season tickets - just too damn hot to sit out there that many games, but in going to games here and there - made some friends, discovered several of the single ladies in my neighborhood went to games and we started going as a group. Through the hockey games I've met close to 10 gals who go on their own and met through so and so who sits near them. Its all about making an effort. I can honestly say since I've moved back to Charlotte, I haven't made the effort to make new friends - some of the old ones have gone away though there is still the core group that I can see or not see.

I agree with you a 100%. You have to put yourself out there.

And sometimes being the outsider you have to be the one to make the first move and put in some extra effort.

But I do think it is harder as we get older. I also found at least for me I wasn't comfortable being in a place where I really didn't know anyone for very long.

I have traveled to Europe by myself, so I have no problem talking to people or getting into conversations.

But I find I like to have a couple of people around who know me well or share DNA.

Originally Posted by littlelou

How true -the entire time I lived in Savannah I felt shunned because I wasn't from "one of them" - not of an old family. I was warned but went anyway and it hurt. I loved visiting Savannah, but the undertone of being an "outsider" wore me down. I still made friends - 90% of them are outsiders also...

That's what Portland was like. Even other transplants who had been there awhile seeemed to forget they were once newcomers.

Very xenophobic up there. People were polite, and some of the most considerate drivers I have ever seen. But to quote a line from the movie "The Way We Were", "I feel like I'm invited for drinks and everyone else is staying for supper"....LOL.

There is even an old thread on here about this issue with Portland as well as Seattle. I think Portland is worse as it is a much smaller city.

[ringwise]

It might be easy, or it might be hard.

I've done it quite a few times. Once at 22, once at 30, once at 34 and most recently at 48.

Each time was different with regards to making friends. At 22, it was pretty easy, since I had a boyfriend (who I eventually married) who worked at a company where there were a lot of single people in their 20's that had moved from out of the area.

Moving at 30 was the toughest, but I attribute that to the place I moved and the fact that I really didn't like the people there very much. I did make a few very close friends that I still keep in contact to this day with.

Just 4 years later, 34 was the easiest. I moved to a very small town and settled in with very good friends right away. I attribute it to the fact that I participate in a sport that is predominately women, and worked at a business that introduced me to a whole lot of people that I would run into a lot, that eventually became friends. It was also small geographically, so it was easy to get together often.

The most recent move was in the middle. I work at a business that has 6 employees, and no contact with the public. I still do participate in the same sport, and that is where all of my friends are. The area is very spread out, however, so getting together is more difficult.

I'd say it all depends on your job, your hobbies and your personality. I go to Austin often, and there are a LOT of things for people to do where you would meet folks.

[Parnassia]

Originally Posted by k374

I am considering relocating from Los Angeles to Austin, Texas... the reasons are many and this post is not about that. The one thing that concerns me is that I know virtually nobody there and I am in my early 40s. It would mean I would have to completely start from zero to build a social circle and gain new friends.

Has anyone else done this? Is it even possible to build new friendships from scratch in midlife? I see a lot of people establish their own circles in their 20s or early 30s at most.

Sure its possible. You will get to know people at work for one thing, and even if they don't become your best buddies they are sources for local information about activities you might enjoy. Chances are you will hit it off with someone unless your office is very small or not social. Its impossible to predict just where your new friends will come from and it starts with one. Anything from a seatmate on a commuter bus, someone who works at a local business you use, a neighbor (introduce yourself when taking out the trash or getting your mail), someone at a library or coffee shop/cyber cafe. If you happen to have a dog to walk you'll often end up meeting local dog walkers pretty quickly.

I have moved cross country to towns where I knew no one quite a few times. Just retired at 62 and moved several hundred miles to a town I've never lived in that attracted me. Granted I am pretty contented on my own so that helps. I am fairly shy, but if someone is friendly to an obvious newcomer it is easy enough to be friendly back. So far I have a couple of local friends....one of the housekeepers at the hotel I stayed at, a neighbor who happened to work at the library I use, and the owner of a native craft shop that carried work I really admired. You just never know. Start up a casual conversation with someone and see.