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Old 07-05-2017, 06:20 PM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,238,434 times
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OP, you and your family are encouraging her behavior to continue so stop and if your brother struggles and is broke all the time it is his choice to stay *because of the baby*.
Also, stay out of your brother's relationship with his girlfriend, it is all his choice to live as he does.

 
Old 07-05-2017, 06:21 PM
 
37 posts, read 17,792 times
Reputation: 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Nic, don't be jaded about your own life. Yes, you CAN trust people to do what they're supposed to do. First off, don't pick a girl who had a child but chucked that kid off to her mother to raise. That's red flag #1.

I don't believe - for a minute - that your brother didn't see obvious signs that this girl isn't appropriate for a long term relationship, much less to be the mother of his child.
I am a girl, but either way, I've seen way too many people get into situations like this (dead-beat dad, leeching mom) and don't want to risk it.

And I'm sure he did notice some signs, but I guess when she said she was on birth control he turned into an idiot.
 
Old 07-05-2017, 06:24 PM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,238,434 times
Reputation: 62050
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
I disagree with anyone who says "abandon this baby" and let your brother handle it.

Over my cold dead body would any of my grandchildren be on welfare for basic needs like formula, I'll say that right now. Over my dead body.

I think you have nothing to fear that this woman is going to leave with the baby. She's already parked a baby at her mother's house - what leads anyone to believe she intends to take care of this one?

Sorry, I'm feeling the opposite of most in this thread. Your brother should have seen this coming a mile away, but was blindsided by having sex with her.

This isn't your responsibility. But your mother, this baby's grandmother, IMHO, shouldn't stand by and look the other way while this woman either absconds with her grand child or raises the child in poverty.

And your brother should be embarrassed for getting the family into this sad situation.
Why is it the grand parents responsibility? From what I understand about human anatomy Grandma
did not create half of the child so she has no legal nor financial responsibility.


If *you* want to handle your family that way it is your choice but not everyone will make that choice and
it is not the business of anyone else to attempt to *guilt* them into doing what they do not want to do.
 
Old 07-05-2017, 06:25 PM
 
37 posts, read 17,792 times
Reputation: 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
OP, you and your family are encouraging her behavior to continue so stop and if your brother struggles and is broke all the time it is his choice to stay *because of the baby*.
Also, stay out of your brother's relationship with his girlfriend, it is all his choice to live as he does.
We have stayed out of their relationship, not once have we told him what to say to her or do. She comes to us for money. I made this thread to see IF my mom should say anything at all, which from the responses I've gotten that is not the way to go.
 
Old 07-05-2017, 06:29 PM
 
10,158 posts, read 4,049,404 times
Reputation: 25719
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
Why is it the grand parents responsibility? From what I understand about human anatomy Grandma
did not create half of the child so she has no legal nor financial responsibility.


If *you* want to handle your family that way it is your choice but not everyone will make that choice and
it is not the business of anyone else to attempt to *guilt* them into doing what they do not want to do.
If this were just a girlfriend behaving very very irresponsibly and making life miserable for this guy, I'd say well, sorry, and look the other way. You made your bed, now lie in it, literally.

But when there's a baby involved, who will certainly suffer if help doesn't step in either in the way of money or legal aid, that's a different thing.

I believe strongly that family SHOULD be guilted in to stepping in when the welfare of a small child is at risk, sorry. I'm so sad when I see little ones go into uncaring foster care or are stuck in a terribly abusive situation and grandparents and aunts and uncles shrug and say it's not their problem.

In my opinion, it IS their problem where neglect and abuse of a tiny child is occurring.

Makes me want to smack bio parents right in the chops when they allow their children to be in situations like this, and I have all the empathy in the world for the plight of the grandparents who then are forced (yes, forced by their own senses of morals not to abandon their vulnerable family members) to pick up the slack.

I don't think enough frustration is being directed at the father in this situation - half the DNA is his that's caused this child to be at risk, and he is somehow unable to rise above the poverty level and still had a child and he's being portrayed as doing the very best he can. That ship has sailed.

Last edited by ClaraC; 07-05-2017 at 06:40 PM..
 
Old 07-05-2017, 06:30 PM
 
12,660 posts, read 10,501,376 times
Reputation: 17562
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nic781 View Post
Hi everyone.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. My brother has been in a relationship with this woman for maybe a little over a year or two (I only just met her a year ago). They just recently had a baby, and she has a two year old son from a relationship prior to my brother with a guy who is not in his life.

We found out she was pregnant, then she got fired from her job (not related to her pregnancy, but from what I understand she was doing something she wasn't supposed to). Since then everything has gone downhill. She at first didn't want to get another job, then she said she would get one after the baby was born but never made any effort, and then suddenly she started working for her uncle. My brother is doing everything on his own. They have to share a car since she wasn't paying her car payment and it got repossessed. She wanted my parents to get a loan for her so she could get a car, but she wanted a 2015 year car and my parents told her to ask her family to help her. Of course they couldn't/wouldn't help her so my parents ended up getting a small loan to get her a car (nowhere near what she wanted) so my brother wouldn't need to be escorted everywhere.

Now that she's "working" you would think she would have money and would want to help with bills and items for the baby, right? Nope, wrong. My brother asked her for half of the cellphone bill, she got mad and threw her phone at him and said she wouldn't have enough money to get her nails done. Just so my brother wouldn't be broke I ended up paying her half. A lot of the times she asks me "Hey can you buy a walker/bouncer for the baby?" or she'll ask for anything for my nephew and I'll get it because I don't want him to go without. She's called me selfish for not wanting to spend all of my money on her kids. My brother has told us multiple times that he is tired of her and if it wasn't for the baby she would be long gone. And I even think she knows that since she has the baby everyone is going to make sure she's taken care of.

My brother was struggling to get money together for the baby's diapers while she was out driving his car. Where is her money going? Mind you, her two year old stays with her grandparents full-time and rarely does he spend the night with them so she's not spending the money on her kids.

Everyone is a bit scared to say anything because she is the type to take the baby away and never let us see him. But, we also don't want our brother/son struggling like that to take care of her and the kids (he's currently in the process of getting a better job so hopefully that will help).

My mom wants to sit both of them down and tell her that he can't do it alone and she needs to contribute something, but she's not sure what to say or how to say it without upsetting her. Any help?

Edit: Just to clarify, they do live together.
Well I found the problem. The kid from a prior relationship doesn't help.

It's amazing how many problems birth control could have prevented in hindsight. Now your brother is stuck with this woman, who it sounds like he barely knew for long before she got pregnant, for at least 18 years, and really for most of his life. It sucks but it's really no one's problem but his own. He helped make this mess, now he needs to clean it.
 
Old 07-05-2017, 06:44 PM
 
5,190 posts, read 4,050,683 times
Reputation: 13169
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
If this were a girlfriend behaving very very irresponsibly and making life miserable for this guy, I'd say well, sorry, and look the other way. You made your bed, now lie in it, literally.

But when there's a baby involved, and will certainly suffer if help doesn't step in either in the way of money or legal help, that's a different thing.


I believe strongly that family SHOULD be guilted in to stepping in when the welfare of a small child family member is at risk, sorry. I'm so sad when I see little ones go into uncaring foster care or are stuck in a terribly abusive situation and grandparents and aunts and uncles shrug and say it's not their problem.

In my opinion, it IS their problem where neglect and abuse of a tiny child is occurring.

Makes me want to smack bio parents right in the chops when they allow their children to be in situations like this, and I have all the empathy in the world for the plight of the grandparents who then are forced (yes, forced by their own senses of morals not to abandon their family) to pick up the slack.

I don't think enough frustration is being directed at the father in this situation - half the DNA is his that's caused this child to be at risk, and he is somehow unable to rise above the poverty level and still had a child.
Preface: If this is real...
This is what the GF is counting on - that the grandmother will keep giving 'for the baby'.

What do you mean 'somehow unable to rise above the poverty level'? This depends on location, education, and a lot of other factors. We do not know the brother's situation (OP has been strangely vague) so we do not know the chances of the brother supporting the baby on his own.

What, exactly, do you expect the family to do? Just keep the situation as is? For the baby?

Yeah, attitudes like this allow mooches to thrive.

Last edited by mochamajesty; 07-05-2017 at 07:59 PM..
 
Old 07-05-2017, 06:49 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
9,217 posts, read 8,302,227 times
Reputation: 19980
Your brother has rights as a parent. Basically the courts will not let her just keep him from seeing the baby but he needs to establish rights NOW. He doesn't have to hire an attorney but he should talk to legal aid to find out his rights in your state.
 
Old 07-05-2017, 06:54 PM
 
Location: California
4,554 posts, read 5,470,957 times
Reputation: 9608
If she is getting public assistance for those babies, Child Support Enforcement should be able obtain a support order after they legally establish paternity. The woman sounds like a manipulator, with no future, or way of supporting herself that doesn't include reproducing. Let your brother do what he must to get control of the child and force her pay child support to get her off the tax payer's back. In today's world, it is sad that any female should resort that sort of behavior. You can't fight your brother's battles for him or he won't learn to be more careful next time.
 
Old 07-05-2017, 07:43 PM
 
741 posts, read 392,381 times
Reputation: 3448
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nic781 View Post
Also, for the last part she said she was on birth control, but obviously it wasn't working.
I'll bet she wasn't using birth control at all. How long did your brother know her before having unprotected sex with her?
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