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Old 07-05-2017, 08:16 PM
 
750 posts, read 1,055,991 times
Reputation: 890

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nic781 View Post

Anyways, I've learned a lot from this thread. It's not my problem, and my brother needs to figure it out on his own regardless of their financial situation. If they have to go without, so be it.
Are you trying to tell me you never went without? My kids, as well as many other people on this forum have had to do without.

 
Old 07-05-2017, 08:20 PM
 
4,661 posts, read 3,977,591 times
Reputation: 9742
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons View Post
Your brother has rights as a parent. Basically the courts will not let her just keep him from seeing the baby but he needs to establish rights NOW. He doesn't have to hire an attorney but he should talk to legal aid to find out his rights in your state.
This.
If your mom wants to help, she can pay for a good family law attorney for your brother.
 
Old 07-05-2017, 09:10 PM
 
Location: Athol, Idaho
2,182 posts, read 1,161,596 times
Reputation: 3210
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nic781 View Post
Yes, my brother is renting my cousin's house and his GF stays there with him. But if people are telling us to stop helping them, and to just sit back and be quiet while my brother struggles and eventually breaks. If he says something to her she'll threaten to leave and if she does leave that's it. Where will he get the money for an attorney?

I don't know anything about a paternity test, and don't think it's needed since my nephew is a clone of my brother. My brother has never brought it up to anyone so I'm sure he has no fears when it comes to that.

She's only 23 (I'm 22, so we're very close in age), so I'm wondering if it's a maturity issue?
l

No. Not a maturity issue. You've both been adults for a while now.

Have you thought about how long all of you are willing to keep giving her stuff. Is it until this child turns 18? Will it include any other children they have? This is a long and on going problem and I don't think either of them are going to change.
 
Old 07-05-2017, 09:42 PM
 
Location: USA
3,569 posts, read 848,070 times
Reputation: 4166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nic781 View Post
Yes, my brother is renting my cousin's house and his GF stays there with him. But if people are telling us to stop helping them, and to just sit back and be quiet while my brother struggles and eventually breaks. If he says something to her she'll threaten to leave and if she does leave that's it. Where will he get the money for an attorney?

I don't know anything about a paternity test, and don't think it's needed since my nephew is a clone of my brother. My brother has never brought it up to anyone so I'm sure he has no fears when it comes to that.

She's only 23 (I'm 22, so we're very close in age), so I'm wondering if it's a maturity issue?
Your age vs her age is irrelevant. Stop analyzing her.

You need to stop wondering about your brother's gf and your brother's life and focus on managing your own life.

Your brother needs to grow up.

Last edited by applej3; 07-05-2017 at 10:08 PM..
 
Old 07-05-2017, 11:57 PM
 
16,992 posts, read 20,615,321 times
Reputation: 33961
Your brother picked her. She already had one kid from a previous relationship, so they decide to make another. Brilliant.

You see when money is tight, you don't go and have a kid.

If you were so concerned and your parents so concerned, than when he met her and things looked to be getting serious, that would have been the time to say something. Mention do you really want to get involved with this woman? You're only in your 20s once, what happens if she gets pregnant? But that ship has sailed.

They are now tied together until the son is 18. I doubt they will even be a couple in a few years from what you wrote, sounds like she will be on to Baby's Daddy #3.
 
Old 07-06-2017, 12:40 AM
 
3,250 posts, read 1,532,343 times
Reputation: 3576
to save you , your brother, your mom, and anyone else involved some really big problems with dynamics, just listen.

-Over 18, you are an adult.
-They are living together, and their dynamics should NOT be discussed with you and mom, you guys cant be so critical, that is called "talking behind someones back". Do not ask about his problems. Do not talk bad about his baby momma.
-you cant make plans or decisions for them, that is called "being in someones business".
-you will have zero rights if this goes far out their and restraining orders are placed.

****The best advice you can give is to suggest couples counseling. therapy gives them the tools, to function, to resolve conflict, to be a couple. therapist are the professionals, and the only right person to get good answers from. they have to go to resolve those feelings of a young, un trained, lost couple.****

You do not sound like someone who has been through this, so your opinion is of that.

Now, as for needing a car, what do you expect? should she take a bus or pay for cabs, with a small child in tow? If he or she cant share the car, that is not your problem, that is their financial issue. I have loaded up the car, with a baby,to drive my wife to work , at 530 am, not a problem for me. It is called being a family.

If she works or not, that does not affect you. New moms , or one parent needs to stay home and care for a baby. the one that earns more is usually the one who works. does this make any sense? If she gets her nails done, hair done, so what, she likes to maintain her appearance, she still needs to be attractive for your brother. She needs clothes, why should she look homely?

And she has another child, not of your brothers? I would expect him to have that child in their home as well. This is what families are. Would you get upset that he "mans up" to care for this child too? that is pretty cold, imo. You should support him, that he is sticking around with her. Do not talk anymore about the other kid, it is not right.

most people, do not get any training in how to be a couple, how to raise kids, how to have privacy, and to have a little faith. Divorce that B is the normal response. Drop that gold digging B is another one. How can one offer advice like "run away from the life you created"? when did they show anyone how to act? did your parents show you, give you lessons? Did your parents have the grandparents all in their business? is their anyone supplying the blue print with all the answers?

well OP, how would You feel if YOU were in her shoes? I am sure you would not appreciate meddling from inlaws .I am sure you would not like people outside of your relationship making decisions for you.

IS there any plan to marry? they are living together, trying to do the family thing, and were dating for a while before the baby, why did he get her pregnant for anyways? I am sure he loves her, or liked something about her to be living with her, and taking responsibility. Respect his decision, support it or say nothing.


He may be your brother, your moms son, but once he is an adult, and forming "his family" , you have to respect "their family", legal or not. The last thing you would want to do is to be that "wedge" between him and his baby mom. You can't pick sides, point fingers, put things in his head. this is not a movie folks, but real life. A Man and women, and their family should not be toyed with. Your negative input, and moms will only make things worse.

If she asks for money, "sorry" is a good answer. Ask for a loan, "I cant honey, I am sorry". If you see they can use something, offer them a gift. If your mom would like to and can help them get a used car, she can offer a gift towards it. You, can offer a gift, or to babysit, or to give an occasional ride.

As for money coming in, couple income should be put in a pile and spent responsibly. Their is no "mine" when their should be a "we". expenses like phone, food ,cable,gas, etc.. Since they are not married, they are resistant to do this, not being able to trust each other as they should. Your brother does not sound like he has a couple of hundred in the bank, so why dont they both do the direct deposit thing in the same bank?

All this craziness and nervous energy, because your brother willingly talks too much about his business, or mom and sister drags it out of him. And a small baby, in early stages of development gets to go through all this crap.

Don't ask how much, what you do with it, how you spend it, where you spend it. Suggest how he can save for the future with 401k, or IRA account. Suggest how to shop for groceries, get on the big sales, how to run a family (mom), but do not force, complain if he is not doing it right. Mom can teach, he needs to practice, you give no grades.

Last edited by kapikap; 07-06-2017 at 12:53 AM.. Reason: addition
 
Old 07-06-2017, 12:58 AM
 
3,250 posts, read 1,532,343 times
Reputation: 3576
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL View Post
I'll bet she wasn't using birth control at all. How long did your brother know her before having unprotected sex with her?
A mans duty is to always wear protection, Sorry Brother is at fault.
 
Old 07-06-2017, 01:10 AM
 
3,250 posts, read 1,532,343 times
Reputation: 3576
Where is DAD or the male role model?
 
Old 07-06-2017, 01:16 AM
 
741 posts, read 389,356 times
Reputation: 3448
Quote:
Originally Posted by kapikap View Post
A mans duty is to always wear protection, Sorry Brother is at fault.
We're living in the 21st century. Both people are responsible for wearing protection.
 
Old 07-06-2017, 02:20 AM
 
37 posts, read 17,703 times
Reputation: 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty View Post
Preface: If this is real...
This is what the GF is counting on - that the grandmother will keep giving 'for the baby'.

What do you mean 'somehow unable to rise above the poverty level'? This depends on location, education, and a lot of other factors. We do not know the brother's situation (OP has been strangely vague) so we do not know the chances of the brother supporting the baby on his own.

What, exactly, do you expect the family to do? Just keep the situation as is? For the baby?

Yeah, attitudes like this allow mooches to thrive.
Always that one person in a thread that tries to say it's fake or made by a troll. What would you like to know about my brother? Where he works? How much he makes? Where he lives?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pupmom View Post
Are you trying to tell me you never went without? My kids, as well as many other people on this forum have had to do without.
Without things we wanted, not without things we needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Your brother picked her. She already had one kid from a previous relationship, so they decide to make another. Brilliant.

You see when money is tight, you don't go and have a kid.

If you were so concerned and your parents so concerned, than when he met her and things looked to be getting serious, that would have been the time to say something. Mention do you really want to get involved with this woman? You're only in your 20s once, what happens if she gets pregnant? But that ship has sailed.

They are now tied together until the son is 18. I doubt they will even be a couple in a few years from what you wrote, sounds like she will be on to Baby's Daddy #3.
I mentioned in the original post that I only just met her last year. She showed up to my graduation in May and that was the first time I met her. A few weeks later she says she pregnant and I'll never forget it because it was a week after my grandma passed. Sorry, I don't have the ability to gauge how someone is when I first meet them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kapikap View Post
to save you , your brother, your mom, and anyone else involved some really big problems with dynamics, just listen.

-Over 18, you are an adult.
-They are living together, and their dynamics should NOT be discussed with you and mom, you guys cant be so critical, that is called "talking behind someones back". Do not ask about his problems. Do not talk bad about his baby momma.
-you cant make plans or decisions for them, that is called "being in someones business".
-you will have zero rights if this goes far out their and restraining orders are placed.

****The best advice you can give is to suggest couples counseling. therapy gives them the tools, to function, to resolve conflict, to be a couple. therapist are the professionals, and the only right person to get good answers from. they have to go to resolve those feelings of a young, un trained, lost couple.****

You do not sound like someone who has been through this, so your opinion is of that.

Now, as for needing a car, what do you expect? should she take a bus or pay for cabs, with a small child in tow? If he or she cant share the car, that is not your problem, that is their financial issue. I have loaded up the car, with a baby,to drive my wife to work , at 530 am, not a problem for me. It is called being a family.

If she works or not, that does not affect you. New moms , or one parent needs to stay home and care for a baby. the one that earns more is usually the one who works. does this make any sense? If she gets her nails done, hair done, so what, she likes to maintain her appearance, she still needs to be attractive for your brother. She needs clothes, why should she look homely?

And she has another child, not of your brothers? I would expect him to have that child in their home as well. This is what families are. Would you get upset that he "mans up" to care for this child too? that is pretty cold, imo. You should support him, that he is sticking around with her. Do not talk anymore about the other kid, it is not right.

most people, do not get any training in how to be a couple, how to raise kids, how to have privacy, and to have a little faith. Divorce that B is the normal response. Drop that gold digging B is another one. How can one offer advice like "run away from the life you created"? when did they show anyone how to act? did your parents show you, give you lessons? Did your parents have the grandparents all in their business? is their anyone supplying the blue print with all the answers?

well OP, how would You feel if YOU were in her shoes? I am sure you would not appreciate meddling from inlaws .I am sure you would not like people outside of your relationship making decisions for you.

IS there any plan to marry? they are living together, trying to do the family thing, and were dating for a while before the baby, why did he get her pregnant for anyways? I am sure he loves her, or liked something about her to be living with her, and taking responsibility. Respect his decision, support it or say nothing.


He may be your brother, your moms son, but once he is an adult, and forming "his family" , you have to respect "their family", legal or not. The last thing you would want to do is to be that "wedge" between him and his baby mom. You can't pick sides, point fingers, put things in his head. this is not a movie folks, but real life. A Man and women, and their family should not be toyed with. Your negative input, and moms will only make things worse.

If she asks for money, "sorry" is a good answer. Ask for a loan, "I cant honey, I am sorry". If you see they can use something, offer them a gift. If your mom would like to and can help them get a used car, she can offer a gift towards it. You, can offer a gift, or to babysit, or to give an occasional ride.

1. Where in any of my posts have I said anything bad about her?
2. Also where in my posts have I mentioned saying anything to him? Putting things in his head? Everything would be fine if they stopped coming to US with their problems. So me being in their business is bullsh*t. My mom wanted to say something to them because all they do is ask for crap and don't work for it.

And lol at the restraining order part. If anything, we would need to get one for her since she's everywhere begging us for stuff. If you think your appearance is better than your kids having things that they need while your SO struggles to pay bills then I guess it's okay? She also has a job, soooo

And again for the car, they came to us complaining. Not the other way around. I wouldn't give two sh*ts about the car situation if they stopped bringing it up.

We ask about her other son all of the time. We only see him maybe once a month. Every time we ask where he is it's the same "he's sick" "he's with his grandmother" "he's at the pool". He's never with her.

I don't think you read my thread at all. All you did was place all of the blame on me like everyone else in this thread.
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