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Old 08-15-2017, 08:13 PM
 
2,911 posts, read 2,030,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
You might know it, but if your abrasive personality rubs the wrong way on people a lot, as you are saying here, then perhaps you should look inward as to why you feel the need to be so blunt in the first place.

I have a personality that is very abrasive, and I have to be very careful how I say things. In fact, I started going to a therapist and taking meds to keep me calm, and it works very well as long as I take it everyday like I'm supposed to.

The excuse to just keep friends that love you for who you are, is a cop-out that I used to say too. The bottom line is, at some point your friends are going to get tired of your attitude, and one by one they too will go away if you don't change your demeanor.

Trust me when I say this.
This is too true. Same goes for family.
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Old 08-15-2017, 08:16 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 3,755,140 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
Not quite sure what to say. If it really bothered you, you would have changed long ago. People will usually only call you "sassy" and "deadpan" if you're funny. You don't mention being funny, so my guess is that you really do come off as mean. It would have been easier to try to answer if you had been clearer. I mean, if you try to be smiling and accommodating, and mostly keep quiet, in what way do people perceive you as mean?

But "mean" has nothing to do with being "smaller." Since you're lucky that sometimes people tell you to your face, you've had opportunities to ask, "Why do you say that? What part do you think is mean?" In other words, you could have tried for self-analysis, but apparently didn't. If so many people are saying it - and it's not something that most people say lightly - it's may be true, whether you "know" it or not.

But it's possible that you just have the bad luck to be among very bland people, and you have strong opinions, so that you seem abrasive. Another possibility is that you don't express yourself well, so that you phrase something tactlessly. It's the difference between saying, "Wow, Mary is FAT" versus "I'm sorry to see that it looks as if Mary is gaining weight." Maybe you need to start by finding some new people?
I forgot to mention that yes, people have also called me funny. People have actually called me a lot of things: genuine, funny, down to earth, sassy, selfish, mean, hilarious, sexy, b*tch, smart, genius, dumb, crazy, cute, silly, ridiculous, retarded, ahole, weird, difficult, a pill... I forgot to include everything else people have called me and as you can see, it's a range of things. So maybe there might have been some negative things people have called me, but I have also been called pleasant things many times as well. I must have been thrown off with the word "mean" because it's something my family called me so maybe that resonates louder than any of the other adjectives. I have never been called boring though so I think that stands for something.

As for the guy, when he asked me to help him do his laundry I said "I'm not your mother". Maybe it came off as harsh but I don't want any guy to think I'm going to clean up after him.
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Old 08-15-2017, 08:26 PM
 
2,911 posts, read 2,030,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33 View Post
Again, what specifically did he say? If he asked you to help him do his laundry (which is quite different than "Do my laundry!") and you just said NO, bluntly, I can see that being off putting. But I doubt he said he broke up with you because you said you wouldn't help him do laundry.

What specifically has he considered "mean" in the past, and how did you respond to what he told you?
I couldn't rep you twice, but yes, this is what I was thinking also. It HAS to be more to the story than this. I think her ex just slowly got tired of her off-putting attitude and the laundry thing was just the last straw.

I know it might sound "blunt" or whatever, but you truly have to look at the man in mirror a lot of times to find out the root of your issues. I don't care if people say "well that's just the way I am", or "I have a blunt personality and if people don't like it, so what", if you want to have some type of positive interaction with the people around you, you have to "know your audience" and adjust your personality/attitude accordingly. ADJUST your personality, not CHANGE it!

And people who identify themselves as being blunt seem to have a chip on their shoulder most of the time and are "proud" to be the way they are. I understand that maybe there might have been some type of trauma in their past that made them the way they are, but not everyone in this world is out to get you. Like I said previously, you may be missing out on meeting or getting to know some the most interesting people in your life.
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Old 08-15-2017, 08:34 PM
 
2,911 posts, read 2,030,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GKelly View Post
I forgot to mention that yes, people have also called me funny. People have actually called me a lot of things: genuine, funny, down to earth, sassy, selfish, mean, hilarious, sexy, b*tch, smart, genius, dumb, crazy, cute, silly, ridiculous, retarded, ahole, weird, difficult, a pill... I forgot to include everything else people have called me and as you can see, it's a range of things. So maybe there might have been some negative things people have called me, but I have also been called pleasant things many times as well. I must have been thrown off with the word "mean" because it's something my family called me so maybe that resonates louder than any of the other adjectives. I have never been called boring though so I think that stands for something.

As for the guy, when he asked me to help him do his laundry I said "I'm not your mother". Maybe it came off as harsh but I don't want any guy to think I'm going to clean up after him.
Would it have hurt if you replied with something like "hey, I'll do your laundry if you do my laundry..I'm not your mother"? Not "as blunt", but shows you are willing to compromise for the sake of starting a relationship. Just a suggestion.
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Old 08-15-2017, 09:02 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 3,755,140 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Remington Steel View Post
Would it have hurt if you replied with something like "hey, I'll do your laundry if you do my laundry..I'm not your mother"? Not "as blunt", but shows you are willing to compromise for the sake of starting a relationship. Just a suggestion.
You know, I have helped some of my exes do laundry and dishes in the past, so obviously I don't have a problem helping out. I think with this one, I just didn't feel he was that into me so I was reluctant on committing much. I guess I didn't know how to tell him that before it was too late. I think I acted out as a defense mechanism when he kept postponing our dates and kept being late to pick me up. Started seeing it as a sign that it was going nowhere. I think my problem there was instead of communicating what I was sensing, I became scared and defensive and distant. He kept asking me what was wrong but as soon as I start to feel vulnerable that I could get hurt, I have trouble verbalizing my feelings. As for before that all started happening, I really don't think I did anything wrong. He even told me he thought I was loving and sensual. Something just didn't click though. He later told me we just weren't compatible. I think I knew that but I was willing to work it out. Guess I was right that he wasn't into me enough to try and make it work. I think I was trying so hard to figure out what went wrong that I threw myself into a hole. He did call me mean even before things went south but I thought he was joking. I can't remember what I did to make him call me that.
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Old 08-15-2017, 09:58 PM
 
Location: az
13,513 posts, read 7,865,975 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GKelly View Post
I tend to have a blunt/abrasive personality. If people like me they call me sassy and deadpan. If they don't, they call me mean and b*tchy. I grew up with my family calling me mean and they still do. It hurt me so much I had to move away from them to the other side of the country. I never had mean intentions. I was a bratty kid who needed discipline but my parents couldn't do it because they were too busy with work or just preoccupied with whatever. I have tried so hard to be nice most of my life I think I have become a doormat. I force myself to smile all the time. I don't ever complain when something is wrong. I keep everything bottled inside. I have let this affect my confidence and I try to be smaller than I am because I don't want to be "mean". I keep quiet most of the time because once I speak my mind I become "mean". It's held me back so much in so many ways. My friend tells me I just have to find people who like me for the way I am and he's right. I was dating someone recently who kept calling me mean. I thought he was joking but he broke up with me today and I realized he probably really thought I was mean. I never had mean intentions. I was actually trying so hard to be loving and accommodating. I knew it wasn't right though and I couldn't break it off. I'm glad it's over but I just hate it when people call me mean when I know I'm not.

I have a co-worker like that. Not a bad man but not someone I care to be around.

Again he's not a bad person by any means. However, many people prefer not to deal with someone who has a blunt/abrasive personality if they can avoid it.
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Old 08-15-2017, 10:27 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 25,041,229 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GKelly View Post
You know, I have helped some of my exes do laundry and dishes in the past, so obviously I don't have a problem helping out. I think with this one, I just didn't feel he was that into me so I was reluctant on committing much. I guess I didn't know how to tell him that before it was too late. I think I acted out as a defense mechanism when he kept postponing our dates and kept being late to pick me up. Started seeing it as a sign that it was going nowhere. I think my problem there was instead of communicating what I was sensing, I became scared and defensive and distant. He kept asking me what was wrong but as soon as I start to feel vulnerable that I could get hurt, I have trouble verbalizing my feelings. As for before that all started happening, I really don't think I did anything wrong. He even told me he thought I was loving and sensual. Something just didn't click though. He later told me we just weren't compatible. I think I knew that but I was willing to work it out. Guess I was right that he wasn't into me enough to try and make it work. I think I was trying so hard to figure out what went wrong that I threw myself into a hole. He did call me mean even before things went south but I thought he was joking. I can't remember what I did to make him call me that.
It doesn't sound like the relationship was going anywhere. And, why can't the guy do his own laundry?

Your answer was probably a bit on the blunt side. But I agree with it!
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Old 08-15-2017, 10:37 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,436 posts, read 34,627,532 times
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So what you are saying is that how you come across to most people is not how you intend.

You need to figure out why you are sending out the wrong signals, OR, perhaps, you are sending out accurate signals, you just didn't mean for people to notice.
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Old 08-15-2017, 11:28 PM
 
2,911 posts, read 2,030,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GKelly View Post
You know, I have helped some of my exes do laundry and dishes in the past, so obviously I don't have a problem helping out. I think with this one, I just didn't feel he was that into me so I was reluctant on committing much. I guess I didn't know how to tell him that before it was too late. I think I acted out as a defense mechanism when he kept postponing our dates and kept being late to pick me up. Started seeing it as a sign that it was going nowhere. I think my problem there was instead of communicating what I was sensing, I became scared and defensive and distant. He kept asking me what was wrong but as soon as I start to feel vulnerable that I could get hurt, I have trouble verbalizing my feelings. As for before that all started happening, I really don't think I did anything wrong. He even told me he thought I was loving and sensual. Something just didn't click though. He later told me we just weren't compatible. I think I knew that but I was willing to work it out. Guess I was right that he wasn't into me enough to try and make it work. I think I was trying so hard to figure out what went wrong that I threw myself into a hole. He did call me mean even before things went south but I thought he was joking. I can't remember what I did to make him call me that.
OK...well now we are getting somewhere.

Remember, the first step in any social stigma is "acknowledgement" and it is good that you realize your personality MAY have been the issue here. Not saying that it is totally your fault, but in a situation like this, if the two of of you were really into each other, you both would've sat down and discussed these things. Whether he initiates it or not. Maybe his skin was too thin and you saw him as "weak" hence you not going out of your way to fix the relationship. Sometimes a person needs someone to "test" them and be a challenge to their personality for them to be attracted to them.

In the end, I hope you can work your way through this, either by yourself or with the help of a 2nd party (psychiatrist). Life is too short.
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Old 08-15-2017, 11:36 PM
 
386 posts, read 326,136 times
Reputation: 1037
Are you an extrovert or introvert? Introverts will never fit in an extroverted environment. Many try and get frustrated.
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