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If you were really bothered by your situation and serious about getting away from Mom, you'd be looking at an apartment with room mates near campus- which is what most students do.
Me too. Living in a dorm is only one option, OP, and you've looked into it and found you can't do it until next April.
So now it's time to look at other options. As other posters have said, most students live in an apartment with roommates. I'm sure you can find information on your campus about people looking for roommates, or house-sharing opportunities.
Made a similar topic months ago but I don't know how clear I was or if I had the right angle.
At this point in my life I'm coming to realize that the relationship I have with my mom is crippling me.
As a little kid I didn't like my mom. I would always remember constant, LOUD fights my mom would have with either her own mom or my dad, right in front of me. I remember my mom getting mad at me when I was 4 years old because I was being annoying about her wanting to buy food, and she literally yelled at me and knocked over the table, the couch, chairs, etc.
When I was in elementary I forgot my jacket at school and she said "you forgot your jacket at school didn't you <bleep> I don't know if those were her exact words, but I know 100% that she called me a<bleep> when I was a 4th grader.
She always tells me how she "always let me do my own thing" as if that was some sort of favor. There's a difference between allowing your child to be themselves, and pretty much completely neglecting them.
I have literally never gone to my mom for emotional support. Ever. The thought hasn't crossed my mind. Made sense why I would annoy some former friends by turning them into my personal therapist considering I had absolutely nothing to turn to at home. She expects emotional support from my brother and I instead. Luckily she goes to my brother for 90% of her complaints since she knows I won't enable her stories of her childish and embarrassing behavior, but still.
When my dad passed away almost 6 years ago things really started getting worse, as it was just my mom, my 21-year-old brother, and me. They were both off doing their own thing, and I was pretty much alone. I didn't even start driving alone until I was 22-- 8 months ago.
What's funny too is that my mom pays $3700 a month to live where we do, and yet I pay for my own dentist appointments, doctor appointments, psychiatrist appointments, my medication, my gas, sometimes groceries, school, etc. Practically everything minus rent and the phone bill. Sometimes she even asks ME for money. Doesn't really make sense for your son to have the lifestyle of someone in poverty when you're living in such an obscenely expensive townhouse, at least in my opinion.
She never asks me how I am, or how my life is going, or anything, really. If I say "it's good," that'll pretty much be the end of that. She has no problems whining to me about how I never ask that of her though. I don't, because she complains out loud 24/7 anyways, so I get how her life is going without having to ask.
She has also CONSTANTLY been criticizing me for as long as I can remember. EVERY interaction with her involves a criticism, which is why I literally never start a conversation with her. I have to force myself to initiate the "Hi's" sometimes, honestly.
It's either I work too much, or I work too little. I eat too much, or I eat too little. I go out too much, or I go out too little. I am too fat, I am too thin. When we get into arguments she insults me. In our last argument she called me an "uneducated moron," which I find funny considering that she always comes to me when she has a question about news/politics. She's called me an<bleep,bleep,bleep>a loser, pretty much every insult under the sun. Has called me selfish, cold, mean, you name it. She also was physically abusive when I was a child. She spanked me, slapped me, threw my video games like a frisbee, threw shoes at me, etc.
She also has ZERO problems embarrassing me in front of my friends or family, or other people in general. One of my favorite memories of her embarrassing me in front of friends was when she opened the door to the balcony and yelled at me from there, accusing me of stealing our own house's pillow. She's pushed me into the pool with all my clothes on in front of a bunch of people, she's yelled about very personal things in front of friends (or threaten to do so), etc.
She will also never take my side for anything. She will always assume I am at fault. This is not an exaggeration.
She also blames me for almost everything. It's funny at this point. If she is having trouble turning the TV on, "(my name) WHAT DID YOU DO THE TV ISN'T WORKING". If she is having trouble turning on her laptop, "(my name) WHAT DID YOU DO MY LAPTOP ISN'T WORKING". If I am not even in the kitchen and she opens the fridge and she drops something, "(my name) OH MY GOD."
She is so used to insulting me and blaming me for everything that sometimes whenever she's getting annoyed with my dog, she accidentally says "oh my god (my name) SHUT UP. Oops, I mean (my dog's name)"
She has zero problems waking me up at 6:30 am on a weekend if she can't figure something out and thinks that I am to blame. Or just in general, really. If she's up at 6 am and can't figure something out on Facebook and she needs my help she'll have no problems waking me up.
The one time I brought up how it makes zero sense that I get little financial support considering how crazy expensive the townhouse we live in is, she told me to get a second job. When I already work 20-30 hours a week on average and I am a full-time student. During a time when I was taking 15 units, and I had two jobs, and I used the bus for transportation, she even insinuated I get a third job. The funny thing is, when I looked at our income for 2016, I saw that I made half of what she made. Which IMO is embarrassing and means she's doing nothing. I go out once or twice a month, meanwhile she's out almost every single night. I'm all for a single mom going out and having a good time. I am not for a single mom going out almost every night while making almost no money while living in a crazy expensive townhouse while not supporting her son.
She also guilt trips CONSTANTLY. I DON'T ask for food, but if she doesn't buy food that day she will text me "I didn't buy dinner tonight... I'm sorry. Why don't you just go buy something for once." When I literally have not complained about food for years. If there's no real meal available at the house I'll just make something out of whatever is available or I will go to a nearby grocery store and get something myself. I literally never complain about a lack of food. But she always wants to guilt trip as if I constantly am demanding her to buy food. She'll buy something I didn't ask for, and then come up to me and say "You know, I paid $12 for this." She'll take out a bag of fruits, and say "see how much I love you guys? This was $9." Okay, good for you? Like if you're gonna guilt trip me for things I never asked you for, I don't want you to<bleep> buy it. And if you're paying $3700 a month to live somewhere and spending $9 on food is something that's worthy of bringing up, then there's a problem. She complains on a daily basis that I barely eat, but she will also complain that I finished something like a jar of peanut butter too fast.
She also has a really tough time accepting that I have ADHD even though I was diagnosed by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist, with severe inattention problems. She even told me how she went around and told her boss, her sister, her friends, etc. She also claims at least once a week that she hears about things "on the radio" about ADHD and my medication which I highly doubt.
If I ask her for anything, though, I'm going to be constantly reminded of this favor for at least a couple days. I've asked her for money (like $100) maybe once within the last year, and that's enough for "you're constantly asking me for money" or "I always give you money." She goes out of her way to do things that no one asks for, then complains about it and guilt trips about it.
When I won a scholarship, I texted her about it. I didn't get a response. I didn't see her until the next morning. She asked me how much it was. I said it was $2000, and she replied with "that's it?" Like yeah it's not much but... really? Made me feel like<bleep> for even getting a scholarship.
She constantly falls asleep on the couch (almost every day), but the time I did it, she asked "can you sleep on the floor next time you don't sleep in your room?" Like her precious couch is more important than me, or that I'm some filthy animal.
When I came out as gay she was accepting. When I dyed my hair she said "what are you going to do next? Paint your nails? This isn't normal." When I got my ear pierced she said "are you not going to show up to family gatherings now? Why would you do that? That's not normal" and "why are you trying to change yourself?" I pointed out how hypocritical of a comment that was considering that she got a boob job, and she said "well I'm not wearing my sexuality on my face." I was also putting on moisturizer yesterday, and she said "why? That's not something guys do. Your brother doesn't do that"
She constantly compares me to my brother, too. Your brother did this better. Your brother got a bigger scholarship. Your brother doesn't do this like you. You don't have to be this thin your brother is perfect. etc. etc. etc. She will buy specific foods for my brother but not me. She has sometimes bought something for my brother and told me not to touch it... nothing for me tho lol. She always shares things with my brother or comes in and asks how he's doing and whatnot but never with me.
She has never ever checked up on me. Never been proactive in my life to make sure I'm doing okay, or that I'm on the right track, or that I'm doing things correctly. It's always about her, she's the victim.
I pointed out how it's embarrassing that she constantly plays victim and she literally yelled "I AM a victim!!!" I was shocked. She is a child.
And any time she asks me for help with something, and I tell her that I don't know how to do it, she ALWAYS responds with "do you know ANYTHING? You're useless" Which is funny... aren't you the one asking me how to do something, meaning you don't know what you're doing yourself?
And any time I mess up with something I am mortified of my mother finding out considering that I will NEVER hear the end of it. And then I will be reminded of all my mistakes of the last 10+ years. How I am a failure, how I keep changing my major, how this that blah blah blah. Just a couple days ago she brought up how I always stain furniture, bringing up my latest transgression, which was when I made cup marks on her desk... 4 years ago. Granted I've been bringing up past mistakes of hers on here, but still.
And when she's home, the entire downstairs area is hers. SHE'S had a rough day and SHE'S tired, so SHE gets to have the couch and the TV all to herself. If she hears music or pretty much any noise coming from my TV or laptop I will get yelled at to turn it down. I've had texts telling me to "Shut it up" when the Volume was literally on 2. But when she would sing VERY loudly for hours at 7 am on a Sunday (with the windows open too) and I yelled for her to be quiet after having enough, she texted me telling me I am "so rude." She also vacuums at like 6 or 7 am. To hell with the neighbors too I guess.
It's just draining. I just really don't want to live here anymore. I feel like if I get the hell out of this house I won't spend hours of my day being in agony. I'll also grow up even more and at a faster rate.
Do my reasons sound petty? Honestly.
I'm thinking of taking a semester off, saving up money, applying for more scholarships and whatnot, and then moving the hell out during the beginning portion of next year. Is this a bad idea?
Didn't read your entire narrative.
Conclusion: Move out.
Unfortunately I started taking moving out seriously the day I made this topic. I checked, and I can only apply for dorming at my school in April kind of relieved in the sense that I have some more time to save up money, but kind of bummed that it will literally be a year until I can move out (official day to move in on campus is August 26, aka today). I would consider getting an apartment but I would say dorming makes more sense and it would also encourage me to be more involved on campus.
So you are staying in this situation because its financially beneficial to do so.Personally if it was as bad as you say it is 'id get a job and move out pronto.,put the schooling on hold for now.
He is going to school full time and working 20-30 hours a week. He is asserting his adulthood and independence by accomplishing this. There's no shame in living with a parent under these circumstances.
There may not be shame in it, but it's not full adulthood. It's working toward full adulthood, arguably, possibly, but he still lives at home. He clearly cannot chart his own course in life yet, so that's not full adulthood. In full adulthood, one is on one's own, free of all parental apron strings.
It's always hard to read the typical replies of people who blurt out, "You're an adult! Grow up!" to someone who 1) is still young and 2) obviously has had the misfortune to grow up in an abusive environment.
Retorting "Grow up!" to someone like this is ineffective because it presumes that the OP has the coping skills to do that, as if he had grown up with a nurturing parent who taught him how to separate emotionally.
So yeah, the OP KNOWS he can and should grow up ... duh ... and he feels the instinct that he needs to get out on his own, but the environment he grew up in (and still is in) has conditioned him to doubt himself and wonder if his instincts and decisions are correct.
OP, I'm glad you feel like the tough love approach was helpful. There's nothing wrong with getting all that stuff down "on paper" in a therapeutic way or asking IF it's ok to want what you want.
It's ok. You would have been justified to leave a long time ago, but now that you feel like you can, you certainly should.
Get some help with emotional boundaries because your mom WILL get worse before you can get better.
I didn't even need to read the whole post. You are an adult and can make choices like moving out and then setting healthy boundaries in dealing with toxic behaviour.
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kind of relieved in the sense that I have some more time to save up money, but kind of bummed that it will literally be a year until I can move out (official day to move in on campus is August 26, aka today). I would consider getting an apartment but I would say dorming makes more sense and it would also encourage me to be more involved on campus.
