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"No one wants to be ignored. I have a co-worker who invites everyone else in my office (small office) to lunch but she doesn't ask me because she hates me. It hurts like a mofo to be excluded and ignored, but what else can you do? "
I used to be in those shoes Sas. It DOES hurt a lot. Do the other people in the office ignore you too?
You know, the best thing you can do is just to always smile and be gracious. Believe me, it soon enough becomes apparent to everyone else, when one person is being a *****.
"No one wants to be ignored. I have a co-worker who invites everyone else in my office (small office) to lunch but she doesn't ask me because she hates me. It hurts like a mofo to be excluded and ignored, but what else can you do? "
I used to be in those shoes Sas. It DOES hurt a lot. Do the other people in the office ignore you too?
You know, the best thing you can do is just to always smile and be gracious. Believe me, it soon enough becomes apparent to everyone else, when one person is being a *****.
Other people don't ignore me because I don't have beef with any of them. I mean, no one ignores you out of the blue. There's always a reason. I have beef with her; that's why.
She was doing accounting, and I took it over. I found out she's a HUGE scatterbrain. A/P and A/R was a MESS. I asked her about a LOT of problems. After awhile, she got fed up and told Owner that she felt like I was against her. Owner told me. That's when I knew how she felt. That's when I started noticing that she acted like I didn't exist. She stopped speaking to me socially. If we were in the kitchen together, she ignored me, but as soon as someone else came in, she started talking to that person. She stopped inviting me to lunch.
It hurt SO BAD to be excluded, ignored, and treated differently. SO BAD. I imagined hurting her back, but never did anything for the first 6 months. I continued to act like nothing was wrong while really hurting inside. I continued to witness Co-worker treating our other co-workers the same while she treated me differently. Finally, after 6 months, I couldn't hide my hurt anymore. I started avoiding her back, and I purposely did it so she could see what I was doing. When she walked towards me, I purposely stepped away. I didn't want to be near her, I couldn't even look at her. She got the hint, and every time she needed to walk past me, I could see her take a deep breath before doing it. Our relationship got worse because I retaliated. Revenge feels good in the moment and feels crummy afterwards (I'm not heartless monster).
These days, she still talks to everyone normally, but I can see that she is scared of me, which hurts me. She still doesn't speak to me socially, only about work. If she comes out of her office to talk to someone and I get up suddenly, she flinches and turns around and walks back into her office. It's happened enough times to know it's not a coincidence.
Most telling was today. I was in the kitchen washing my lunch box. When I finished and turned around, I saw her walking into the kitchen. But when she saw me turn around, she flinched and jumped a little. Yesterday, I was in the kitchen, I was pouring my lunch into a bowl. I looked up and saw she was coming into the kitchen. When she saw me look up and look at her, she jumped a little. Believe me, no one else does the same thing, and I pay attention to how people treat me. She is really scared of me.
I have always, always tried to take the high road with people, do the right thing, don't stoop to their level. But I'm also very emotionally sensitive and take things personally. When I feel immense HURT, I cannot act with my brain; I act with my emotions. I can only hold it in so long. I have a personality who wants to hurt someone back if they hurt me first, and so I have enormous guilt about succumbing to my hurt, retaliating, and making our relationship worse.
And no, there is no talking to her about this. At all. We're not confrontational people and we never talk about our feelings, ever. It's passive aggressive things like what I just said.
I used to be SUPER shy when I was young...up until about the age of 20-21. Yes, I'm introverted, but the being shy was getting me NO WHERE I wanted to be. Like OP, I felt invisible.
I decided that shyness just didn't work for me. Actually, a dream I had kind of became an "aha!" moment for me, and I started putting myself 'out there' more. The dividends of doing that started paying off almost immediately.
Smiling and eye contact can make a wondrous difference. For real.
Good point regarding shyness. I have to remember that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sas318
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I have always, always tried to take the high road with people, do the right thing, don't stoop to their level. But I'm also very emotionally sensitive and take things personally. When I feel immense HURT, I cannot act with my brain; I act with my emotions. I can only hold it in so long. I have a personality who wants to hurt someone back if they hurt me first, and so I have enormous guilt about succumbing to my hurt, retaliating, and making our relationship worse.
And no, there is no talking to her about this. At all. We're not confrontational people and we never talk about our feelings, ever. It's passive aggressive things like what I just said.
Sorry to cut out the beginning and middle of your post but I bolded what I consider to be a very important detail that I listen for when people are sharing problems. You don't really know the other person's point-of-view and if their intentions were to hurt you.
It sounds like you work with very immature people and maybe a very negative environment. Taking the high road is actually a learned skill, such as not jumping to conclusions that you were hurt first. It is not something you just decide to do.
I hope I don't come off too harsh. I just wanted to make it clear that navigating an environment like yours does take skill and there has to be something in it for you to motivate you. It also helps to have a role model; I had one and that really changed my life.
sas318: To put an end to this, you are going to have to swallow your pride and speak to her. There is no other way. You will be the "good guy" who did the right thing. Otherwise all this avoiding stuff will come back to haunt you one day and you won't be happy. Chalk it up to being more mature. It does not have to be confrontational. Just a little "how are you today" would be a beginning. JMHO
I get so bothered when a stranger doesn't really acknowledge me. One time for example, I was with my brother at the grocery store. I went to the checkout line, said hi to the cashier, then she bags my groceries. Then my brother gives the cashier his alternate id for the grocery store, since he was a member, to make my groceries cheaper. Then once she gave me my change and my receipt I tell her "Thank you". She said "You're welcome" in a quiet tone, but then she looks at my brother, smiles, and loudly tells him "Thank you have a nice day dear!", as if he was the one who purchased the groceries. She wasn't at all cheery with me. Another time I was with him purchasing some school supplies, and I went up to the cashier to purchase my items. The cashier was on the phone, but he did make eye contact with me. However, he didn't really give me a friendly look. After I purchased my items, and he gave me my change, he looks at my brother, smiles, and tells him "Thank you" as if he was the one who purchased the supplies. I'll also get irritated when I'm out with another person, and we walk into a store, and the employee only acknowledges the person I'm with and not me. I get so frustrated when this happens to the point where I think about it all day. It'll make me happy when they acknowledge me and be friendly with me. I hate being ignored like I don't exist. So what do you guys think? Why does this happen to me? How can I change this and how do I not let it bother me so much?
I think I find it weird that you need this acknowledgement from total strangers.
It doesn't matter at all who the grocery clerk, or the cashier talks to...why care????As long as you get what you came for what diff does it really make??Unless, of course, you're expecting something else along with that acknowledgement..........
I guess you could possibly change things by changing yourself, as there must be a reason why people favor your brother over you...don't you think?
Try shopping by yourself...then if there's any chit chat between you and a total STRANGER, it would have to be with you.
As for it bothering you, I can only say that it must be nice when things in life are so cozy that what a stranger does while working (and that you may never see again) can mean so much to you.
I used to be SUPER shy when I was young...up until about the age of 20-21. Yes, I'm introverted, but the being shy was getting me NO WHERE I wanted to be. Like OP, I felt invisible.
I decided that shyness just didn't work for me. Actually, a dream I had kind of became an "aha!" moment for me, and I started putting myself 'out there' more. The dividends of doing that started paying off almost immediately.
Smiling and eye contact can make a wondrous difference. For real.
We are twins separated at birth. I, too, was extremely, painfully shy as a child. I had to at some point make a very conscious effort to NOT be that way in order to progress in life.
I had a lot of help from my husband, too, who seemed to understand and know when to step in and help, even though he is anything BUT introverted.
OP, I hope you can overcome this feeling of invisibility that you seem to feel. Sometimes you DO need to fake it 'til you make it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida
What's missing from your story is a description of what happens if you're alone.
It's possible that your brother is pleasanter or better-looking that you are. It's also possible that he just catches the eye better by being taller, or better dressed, or more vocal.
Your options are:
1. You can just shrug it off and learn to live with it.
2. You can speak up and say something, like pleasantly teasing, "Hey, no smile for me?"
3. You can stop caring about total strangers.
4. You can work to be more charming and outgoing. I notice you give no example of initiating anything yourself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DCT2019
When I'm alone, everything is fine. I think the reason why he got more attention was because he came across more confident, spoke up, and had more open body language. Whereas I didn't. I don't think it has anything to do with looks or his appearance. I agree with your tips except for 2 and 4. I don't agree with 2 because I don't want to come across as desperate or needy for someone's attention. Many people don't like that. I agree with the first half of number 4, but not really the second half. It's the employees' job to acknowledge the customers.
Those weren't tips, they were options.
But, see? You knew the answer all along. His speech and his body language project confidence. And maybe also friendliness?
There is something in your demeanor that sends a message to others NOT to speak to you. It could be something subtle like not making eye contact with the other person, not smiling, body turned partly away, face angled down, looking sulky, etc. Because you are anticipating that you will be ignored and are ready to be offended, you probably don't look very approachable. The next time you are out with someone watch them...they way they look at others, they way they approach them. Body language often makes the difference.
I am going with this. I imagine your brother seems friendlier and more approachable. So, how can you change your demeanor to be more welcoming?
I am going with this. I imagine your brother seems friendlier and more approachable. So, how can you change your demeanor to be more welcoming?
I can try smiling more or showing more emotion. Projecting my voice more and not speaking so quietly. And overall, stop trying to seek approval from everyone and stop caring about what other people think about me.
Not necessarily just 'you aren't approachable'. When you are at a store it's usually (not always) one customer making the the actual transaction, in a restaurant one person footing the bill. This person is the alpha and the one the wait staff/cashier will focus on more.
For instance when I used to go to dinner with my son, I was the person paying and I took the lead in answering the hostess when approached, my son would glance at me whenever the wait staff asked a question, etc. This established that I was the primary person they needed to interact with. Later as my son got older and more confident he gradually took that role, now when we go out for dinner he is the person the wait staff interacts with.
Perhaps your behavior is suggesting that your companion is the one in charge and the one that is to be dealt with and you are just along for the ride, so to speak.
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