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OP, if you think back on the history with your parents, have there been other signs of their demanding nature, or narcissism? Has your life with them tended to be all about them? Were they kind and loving, or emotionally distant?
As this type of family dynamic is strange to me I am no expert and possibly you have already tried this approach, but here goes:
Explain your budget and how it is based on your income. Explain what percentage of your budget you CAN afford to send them each year, and maybe help them plan their own budget so it lasts longer. Do not exceed this amount. Explain that if they bankrupt you they won't be able to get ANYTHING from their son in the USA. The income from you will end if this happens and you might be forced to move home and live off them! Basically ask them which they would rather have....some financial help or none? Then stick to your plan. Don't fall for the guilt trip. You are only being a responsible adult...you can help, but you can't solve their problems for them. No one should expect you to beggar yourself.
I know this is a fairly rational approach to an emotional problem, but you have to start "weaning" them off support that isn't sustainable. You are not being selfish by changing the pattern.
Last edited by Parnassia; 09-16-2017 at 12:07 AM..
OP, you need to stop this financial hemorrhaging of your bank account/s, before you're really in trouble. It's outrageous, under the circumstances, that they're guilt-tripping you into maintaining their lavish lifestyle. Anyone who owns three homes in a number of countries is living a lavish lifestyle, by definition.
You'll have to tell them firmly, the next time they ask, that you can't help them anymore. No matter what they say, repeat those words. Just keep saying it. Don't offer any explanation, analysis of your economic situation, any impending crisis with your retirement savings, or anything. Just say, "Mom, dad, I'm not able to help you anymore."
If they keep pushing, guilting, and insisting (this is very selfish and narcissistic behavior, btw), break down and say, "Actually, I was going to ask you for help. I thought if you sold one of your three homes, you could pay me back for at least part of the money I've given you, because I'm beginning to run low on emergency savings, myself."
If they blow up, just say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish you the best in managing your assets. I need to rebuild my own, after the serious toll all this has taken. Take care. Talk to you later." Hang up. In the future, repeat the "I'm sorry, I'm not able to help you anymore." Do not fall for any attempts to hook you into an argument. Just stick to your line. Psych yourself for this in advance, so you can handle their manipulations calmly and dispassionately. Brace yourself for it.
Good luck, OP! Of course their demands are beyond the pale. So stop giving in. Be polite, but firm. Be a rock.
I often disagree with you on other threads, but I think this is great advice.
Do you happen to be Asian?
From my understanding this is the culture. Supporting your parents. Heard this issue on other forums.
You are in the US correct. Are they here on green cards? Why are they here when they have 2 other homes over seas?
Too suck off of you? If they are here illegally, have someone turn them in. WOW they are taking entitlement to a whole new level.
You need to take care of yourself or you'll have nothing for your old age.
Do you have siblings?
I think RUTH4TRUTH has a great idea. However that doesn't take in the cultural aspect pf expectation and guilt. If you did her idea, would your parents disown you? Not that that is a bad thing at this point. If they do you were nothing but an ATM for them. Right now they are breaking you financially and won't be happy till you have nothing.
OP, you need to stop this financial hemorrhaging of your bank account/s, before you're really in trouble. It's outrageous, under the circumstances, that they're guilt-tripping you into maintaining their lavish lifestyle. Anyone who owns three homes in a number of countries is living a lavish lifestyle, by definition.
You'll have to tell them firmly, the next time they ask, that you can't help them anymore. No matter what they say, repeat those words. Just keep saying it. Don't offer any explanation, analysis of your economic situation, any impending crisis with your retirement savings, or anything. Just say, "Mom, dad, I'm not able to help you anymore."
If they keep pushing, guilting, and insisting (this is very selfish and narcissistic behavior, btw), break down and say, "Actually, I was going to ask you for help. I thought if you sold one of your three homes, you could pay me back for at least part of the money I've given you, because I'm beginning to run low on emergency savings, myself."
If they blow up, just say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish you the best in managing your assets. I need to rebuild my own, after the serious toll all this has taken. Take care. Talk to you later." Hang up. In the future, repeat the "I'm sorry, I'm not able to help you anymore." Do not fall for any attempts to hook you into an argument. Just stick to your line. Psych yourself for this in advance, so you can handle their manipulations calmly and dispassionately. Brace yourself for it.
Good luck, OP! Of course their demands are beyond the pale. So stop giving in. Be polite, but firm. Be a rock.
Do you happen to be Asian?
From my understanding this is the culture. Supporting your parents. Heard this issue on other forums.
You are in the US correct. Are they here on green cards? Why are they here when they have 2 other homes over seas?
Too suck off of you? If they are here illegally, have someone turn them in. WOW they are taking entitlement to a whole new level.
You need to take care of yourself or you'll have nothing for your old age.
Do you have siblings?
I think RUTH4TRUTH has a great idea. However that doesn't take in the cultural aspect pf expectation and guilt. If you did her idea, would your parents disown you? Not that that is a bad thing at this point. If they do you were nothing but an ATM for them. Right now they are breaking you financially and won't be happy till you have nothing.
This is a good point that I didn't think of. But the issue of the OP running out of money still stands, and would need to be addressed. I suppose if push really came to shove, and there were a cultural "dutiful son" issue involved, the OP would then have to tell his parents that if they wanted help from him (which they don't really need), they would have to sell one of their properties, use the proceeds to live off of for some years while he rebuilds his own savings, and then, after they get real and tighten their own belts, a budget could be discussed.
But it sounds like these parents are too young, relatively, to be needing retirement help. Helping parents who have nothing but social security to live off of, is one thing. Helping parents who own 3 properties around the world? Um.....no.
I am retired and my son makes at least 4X my income. I would never ask him for anything. I don't need to, but if I were in need, I would have a hell of a time asking him for money. Parents have children and it is their responsibility to take care of them while they are children. You don't owe parents anything at all. Put on your grown up pants, say no, and live the best life that you can afford.
Dear friend who allowed herself to be taken advantage of family, asked "What if I were dead, what would you do? The family member replied "Find someone else". My friend replied "Consider me dead ! "
As a recovering enabler, Remember the 2nd commandment "Love thy neighbor AS thyself."
It sounds like you have had enough, emotionally bankrupt. Boundaries is excellent as is Dave Ramsey. Support groups as Al-Anon too, to help you quit enabling, decide what is best for you.
Congratulations for acknowledging your behavior; please listen to these Posters who do care about you. Blessings on your new journey of taking care of yourself. You are being self-caring, Not selfish
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