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Adam has been in the group for a year, so he thinks I am the problem. I agree with those who are saying that he probably is though.
No need to play the blame game. Adding Adam was not the "problem"--adding another guy for the two women you originally asked--it switches it to a "double date" kind of thing. The women started to creep out.
Can I be honest? You have only been hanging out with this group for three weeks and you are already sounding too dramatic and needy. Chill out and just have fun.
No need to play the blame game. Adding Adam was not the "problem"--adding another guy for the two women you originally asked--it switches it to a "double date" kind of thing. The women started to creep out.
Can I be honest? You have only been hanging out with this group for three weeks and you are already sounding too dramatic and needy. Chill out and just have fun.
I'm not being dramatic and needy, but it bothers me that 2 people I thought could be honest if they had a problem with me lie and blow me off almost immediately after committing. The double date hypothesis sounds very feasible, but if it's that or anything else I'd still want to know.
Thought you were a woman - sorry. I figured most men just blow this stuff off. Must be my age group.
Then ask them or come right out and say hey that wasn't meant to be a date by adding Adam. Whose to blame, probably you for asking Adam. But both of you are looking like this is how you get dates.
Next time be honest and don't add anyone last minute.
I'm a woman, if this happened to me, I too would of cancelled on you if I thought it was a friends thing and then ended up LOOKING like a date thing. They don't know you that well to know your intentions.
I get the feeling the "girls" suddenly felt like it was a couples date. Adding, "can Adam come too?" changed the dynamics.
Let it go...
This is a likely possibility. In which case, it wouldn't be that they don't like you, OP. Maybe it's Adam they don't like. Or maybe it looked too much like a double-date set-up to them, with the addition of the 4th person.
We don't really know who or what the "problem" was.
But I do know it's a problem when someone immediately jumps to using the language "should I confront ..." because their feelings got hurt. At the very end of your post you say "... I still am wondering if it is smart or advisable to politely inquire with one of them why they did this ..." "Confronting" and "politely inquiring" set different tones, but leave it alone.
You've gotten some good advice here. You and Adam both need to cool it and stop pointing fingers at one another if you want to stay friends. Sometimes it's nothing particularly personal that happens. People change their minds; stuff comes up. Learn how to lay back, be a little more casual, and observe this group that's new to you for awhile ... or you're not going to stay part of it for long.
Last edited by CatzPaw; 09-16-2017 at 12:26 PM..
Reason: clarification
I'm not being dramatic and needy, but it bothers me that 2 people I thought could be honest if they had a problem with me lie and blow me off almost immediately after committing. The double date hypothesis sounds very feasible, but if it's that or anything else I'd still want to know.
Actually people have a right to change their minds and that is exactly what I teach my daughter. Your reaction to this nonevent would be a red flag in my book, not necessarily something I would be afraid of, but I certainly would not encourage a close relationship.
Chill. Nobody owes you the honest truth. Sometimes things come up. Sometimes we can't pin point exactly what the issue is. Nobody owes you loyalty.
These girls gave OP a blowoff answer, and then told Adam that they just didn't want to hang out with OP. If they had an issue with Adam, why would they have given him a different answer instead of just repeating the blowoff? Especially knowing that Adam and OP were together.
It seems more likely that the girls thought they were close enough with Adam to be 'honest' with him, and assumed that Adam wasn't close enough to OP to pass on their message. Maybe the thought he would tell...but didn't care, because after all OP is a newcomer to the group and they don't like OP so why would they care if OP's feelings are hurt? Maybe they hoped he would tell, and the barb would hurt enough OP would leave the group.
If I were OP, I would take the high road. They don't have a right to decide who is in the group or not, and they don't have a right to decide who likes you and who doesn't. Or who you spend time with. And frankly, it's really unlikely that you would get along with everyone in a group of that size. If 8/10 in the group accept you then that is an achievement. Ignore their barbs--everyone else will follow your cue and eventually these two girls will either leave the group themselves or learn to keep quiet about their issues with you (whatever they are).
These girls gave OP a blowoff answer, and then told Adam that they just didn't want to hang out with OP. If they had an issue with Adam, why would they have given him a different answer instead of just repeating the blowoff? Especially knowing that Adam and OP were together.
It seems more likely that the girls thought they were close enough with Adam to be 'honest' with him, and assumed that Adam wasn't close enough to OP to pass on their message. Maybe the thought he would tell...but didn't care, because after all OP is a newcomer to the group and they don't like OP so why would they care if OP's feelings are hurt? Maybe they hoped he would tell, and the barb would hurt enough OP would leave the group.
If I were OP, I would take the high road. They don't have a right to decide who is in the group or not, and they don't have a right to decide who likes you and who doesn't. Or who you spend time with. And frankly, it's really unlikely that you would get along with everyone in a group of that size. If 8/10 in the group accept you then that is an achievement. Ignore their barbs--everyone else will follow your cue and eventually these two girls will either leave the group themselves or learn to keep quiet about their issues with you (whatever they are).
The girls were not texting Adam about the issue. They were texting John, another friend of mine and Adam's within the group.
There's a movie called He's Just Not That Into You.....they're not into you. They don't have to be your friends. You hang out with a bunch of guys and they're not guys. 2 guys and 2 gals going out can be seen as a date. Clearly, that's not what they're looking for. I'd let this go. You gave them a few hours notice and they didn't want to hang out with you. Not the end of the world. They are adults and can do what they want.
I'm not being dramatic and needy, but it bothers me that 2 people I thought could be honest if they had a problem with me lie and blow me off almost immediately after committing. The double date hypothesis sounds very feasible, but if it's that or anything else I'd still want to know.
The bold IS being dramatic.
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I get the feeling the "girls" suddenly felt like it was a couples date. Adding, "can Adam come too?" changed the dynamics. 
