Single at couples event (member, meeting, wife, spouse)
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I am a single girl invited by my colleagues to a barbecue event where almost everyone (99%) is bringing their significant other/family. I have no one to bring with me. If I go, I will most certainly feel awkward/ashamed for being the single person among couples. Even worse, I might feel judged. So far I didn't have a problem with my status, but lately everyone around me (family, friends, colleagues) is repeatedly bringing this subject up, to the point they've made me very aware of it. Although I like my colleagues very much and I don't want to disappoint them by not joining the event, I don't know what I need to protect most. My good connection to them or my feelings?
When a married colleague brings it up, simply say, "Well, can I borrow your spouse for a night or two?" I actually did this once. Got a nervous laugh and the subject never came up again.
When a married colleague brings it up, simply say, "Well, can I borrow your spouse for a night or two?" I actually did this once. Got a nervous laugh and the subject never came up again.
Funny. But in actuality, it is their fear.
I have a male friend and I am less close to his wife b/c she is downer type and he is fun.
I do politely ask her how she is when I call but pray she doesn't stay on phone long b/c it is a nightmare. I know she can hear every word of he and I due to speaker or their old school landline. I always say at the end thank your wife for letting me borrow her hubby.
I am only asking advise on topics he knows about. Not girly relationship stuff. He owns properties
No one in conjoined at the hip.
Marital status may be respected...But both have identities of their own.
I'm single by choice ..Had my married days.
When going to events...I've yet to feel uncomfortable...Since no one is spoon feeding the spouse or walking them to the bathroom. It's amazing!
The onus is on you to change this attitude of odd person out.
In some cases (not saying it was in your case), that feeling is from someone being overly self conscious about a particular aspect of their life.
But it could also be said that if an unmarried/single person feels that uncomfortable at a social event full of marrieds/couples, there's something falling short in the social skills of the host and/or guests that cause the guest(s) to feel that way.
The judgment that someone is "overly self-conscious" is not yours to make. If a person wants to be in a relationship and cannot have one for whatever reason and they find themselves in situations that intensify their sadness and disappointment, there is no reason they should be self-conscious about their feelings. Their feelings are valid.
There have been other times in my life, especially right after my divorce, when it wouldn't bother me at all. As a matter of fact, I was happy not to be part of a couple at that time!
The point is that no one gets to tell someone else that what they are feeling is somehow "wrong".
The only thing a good host/ess could really do is invite other unattached people so that there is a mix.
If a person wants to be in a relationship and cannot have one for whatever reason and they find themselves in situations that intensify their sadness and disappointment, there is no reason they should be self-conscious about their feelings. Their feelings are valid.
I agree. Especially if these feelings come to the surface as a result of other people's constant judgement.
The judgment that someone is "overly self-conscious" is not yours to make. If a person wants to be in a relationship and cannot have one for whatever reason and they find themselves in situations that intensify their sadness and disappointment, there is no reason they should be self-conscious about their feelings. Their feelings are valid.
There have been other times in my life, especially right after my divorce, when it wouldn't bother me at all. As a matter of fact, I was happy not to be part of a couple at that time!
The point is that no one gets to tell someone else that what they are feeling is somehow "wrong".
The only thing a good host/ess could really do is invite other unattached people so that there is a mix.
I think my post was misunderstood, so please allow me the opportunity to clarify it.
If you re-read what my post (#45) said, yes, it does say that being overly self conscious is one possibility. The other possibility is that the group isn't being as inclusive or socially appropriate as it should be to consider feelings of people who aren't like them, whatever "like them" means. Or a combination of both.
If someone is being too self conscious, that doesn't mean that their feelings aren't valid, that they're the ones in the wrong, or that there isn't some external force that is aggravating an already sensitive situation. Passing moral judgment against someone because they feel uncomfortable in a social situation like OPs was not my intent at all. But it is a good idea to ask oneself, "why do these people have so much power over me, to make me feel so bad? What makes them so special that I am I putting so much stock in what they think?"
I know it's much easier said than done to do this, because I've felt self conscious over various social situations like the OPs myself, as just about every person has. So I acknowledge that can be a struggle and sometimes a slow process to work towards. And my personal experience is that people who over-emphasize that they are coupled in a setting like this are either insecure about themselves or their relationship status, not to mention the bad effect of making people who aren't in a relationship feel bad as well.
And yes, sometimes the best strategy is to avoid these people, who can either not realize they're causing discomfort, or sometimes do it because they really are jerks (and then it's especially wise to avoid them, and stand up to them as needed). With that said, it's still good to figure out some coping strategies (which can be different for different people) because there may be those times (a work situation for instance), where you can't always exit quickly in an awkward, uncomfortable moment. Those strategies can help when people misbehave or act clueless towards others' feelings, which can be more often than we'd like.
Most of my life I have been the odd one out. Everyone was part of a couple, and I would be the only single female. Even after I married my first husband, I ended up going to events alone because he was a jerk. After awhile, I started taking my best friend to things. Once I left my husband, I was a single mother, working full time, and didn't go out much anyway, but when I did I took my friend.
Nobody seemed to care that I was single. After all, I was overweight so therefore no one expected me to be dating anyway. They had no problem with me bringing my friend. Yes, it made me sad to be alone, but I always went anyway, even without my friend a lot of the time.
I had given up on ever finding a man, so I resolved to enjoy my life as it was with my kids and grandkids. That is when I met my 2nd husband, and we do everything together.
What I learned was that you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Lonely, maybe, but there is no reason to stay home just because other folks might wonder why you are not attached. OP, go to your party and have a good time. Show them that being single is doesn't mean you can't have a full life or enjoy yourself.
I think my post was misunderstood, so please allow me the opportunity to clarify it.
If you re-read what my post (#45) said, yes, it does say that being overly self conscious is one possibility. The other possibility is that the group isn't being as inclusive or socially appropriate as it should be to consider feelings of people who aren't like them, whatever "like them" means. Or a combination of both.
If someone is being too self conscious, that doesn't mean that their feelings aren't valid, that they're the ones in the wrong, or that there isn't some external force that is aggravating an already sensitive situation. Passing moral judgment against someone because they feel uncomfortable in a social situation like OPs was not my intent at all. But it is a good idea to ask oneself, "why do these people have so much power over me, to make me feel so bad? What makes them so special that I am I putting so much stock in what they think?"
I know it's much easier said than done to do this, because I've felt self conscious over various social situations like the OPs myself, as just about every person has. So I acknowledge that can be a struggle and sometimes a slow process to work towards. And my personal experience is that people who over-emphasize that they are coupled in a setting like this are either insecure about themselves or their relationship status, not to mention the bad effect of making people who aren't in a relationship feel bad as well.
And yes, sometimes the best strategy is to avoid these people, who can either not realize they're causing discomfort, or sometimes do it because they really are jerks (and then it's especially wise to avoid them, and stand up to them as needed). With that said, it's still good to figure out some coping strategies (which can be different for different people) because there may be those times (a work situation for instance), where you can't always exit quickly in an awkward, uncomfortable moment. Those strategies can help when people misbehave or act clueless towards others' feelings, which can be more often than we'd like.
Thanks for the clarification. Good post. We're on the same page.
In my case it was not so much what they thought, although I know for a fact I was looked on as the odd one, but I am kind of used to that for various other reasons anyway. It was more introspection, saying why am I unable to just disregard the way I feel discomfort in this situation, and the answer was that I myself was not happy with my singleness. But rather than just suck it up, I chose not to expose myself to social situations where I keenly felt that sadness. I was tired of working toward accepting that this was the way life is. Sometimes you just don't feel like accepting that you're not lovable when it seems as if all other people have to do is snap their fingers and love comes their way.
That has changed for me, and coincidentally, I went to a Halloween Party (by myself) at that same person's house last night. One of the former couples is now divorced, so just the now-single wife was there. The friend whose house this is just got back together with her S.O. after a six-month split, and saddest of all, another woman in attendance has a husband who is current in prison. Everything is temporary, truly,
If you have a close girlfriend bring her. It will freak the married types out.
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