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We get together every few weeks to catch up and sometimes take a weekend or day trip also.
If we are together all day I don't expect her to stay off the phone all day but when we are eating out it seems so rude. I have mentioned it enough that she knows how I feel about it. I can tell she is irritated that this bothers me. Last week we had 4 gals at the table and after she texted a few minutes I asked if she could do that later so we could enjoy the meal. She asked the 2 other gals if they minded and they said they didn't so she continued. Sometimes she will tell me what so & so is texting and what she is texting back. urgggg
It is at the point that I either need to decline plans to go eat and tell her why or try one more time to explain
the problem. Should I just tell her I don't want to eat out with her unless she is willing to put her phone away. That leaves it up to her.
Yeah, I can relate to your situation. Your friend has a bad compulsive impulse habit in personal social settings. I have a friend who is hooked on the same endorphin enducing texting habits as you describe. It's really hard for her to go for more than 10 or 15 minutes without needing to get another hit of texting. She becomes not present to the people she is actually physically with.
It IS an addiction.
I don't think you can convince your friend to change her habit nor her needs for that fix just to convenience your own self, nor should you try to if you sense that what bothers you about her is irritating to her. You've already told her how you feel so don't tell her again. Don't try to control your friend. But there's no need for you to risk losing your friend if she is dear to you and more present and sociable in other ways and other social settings.
You can choose to change and take control of the types of settings in which you socialize with her without mentioning her bad dining/texting habits. That means choosing to exclude dining out with her when it's only the two of you together. It's okay to dine with her together with a larger group because while she's texting to get her fix she's not only excluding you from herself, she's excluding the rest of the group in front of her too ..... you and your other friends still have the rest of the non-texting group to continue socializing with while she's excluding herself from the group due to being occupied with her texting.
If there are other activities that you can enjoy together that don't include sitting down and/or dining together alone then that's what you should be doing. It's hard for a text-addict to be texting when they are being physically active and occupied with other things that demand more of her attention and mental presence.
However - If the only times you and your friend can find reason to get together is to have a meal together then there is something wrong with the relationship.
Same here and now I have 4 grown kids that know how to make conversation at mealtime and
don't text at the table except for something urgent.
As a side note when I eat at this friend's house her grown kids text & ignore guests at the
dining table and have very poor mealtime social skills.
I am not hung up about silly etiquette rules about what fork you use and things like that, but making
guests feel welcome & special is a huge deal to me .
That's your family. Many families aren't like that. I grew up with parents who were military brats. Dinner was not a time for talking. You were at the table to eat. If you want a conversation, do it before or after dinner. That's how I grew up. There was no talking at the table except for asking for something such as the salad to be passed or the ketchup.
I know many families like this and I know many families who were chatty like yours. My husband's family was chatty like yours. It was the strangest thing to me! Dinner seemed to last forever at their house. Probably because they were so chatty!
Nice that you assume everyone in my family is morbidly obese. Where did that come from? How rude.
Before I started a successful business I spent years and years in sales. Much of it face to face. I was usually top dog. I know how to flip the switch and charm and close the deal. You are right it does help in many situations. I also did most of the hiring for my firm for several years. Its amazing how many individuals have horrible social skills and cannot even shake hands correctly. And yes no eye contact.
But dealing with family is in my down time. Not trying to impress anyone. I could care less at this point. I am a good guy my family knows that. And yes before I got married I turned on the charm to those in-laws. But I closed the deal. Now its my time. My spouse is fine with who I am. I really don't care about your opinion which is totally off base and offensive frankly.
I wasn't talking about your family...sigh.
I was referring to your comments about the future and Google glasses and people not interacting at all.
I even bolded what you wrote. Plus singularity is coming in the coming years. Everyone will have a device sort of like google glasses that they will wear with replace the phone and monitor your health and a infinite number of other things. At some point it will be part of people and something you just wear all day.
Not talking about your family at all.
Last edited by seain dublin; 11-01-2017 at 09:45 PM..
True. But you can bet that no matter what they are doing together, the OP's friend is going to be constantly checking her phone. It's not the meal -- it's the expectation of having a friend's attention for just a little while.
Yup, people are going to check their phones. That's just how life is today. The friend isn't on her phone nonstop. So if the OP doesn't like it, then she needs to find a friend who doesn't check their phone which will be hard to do nowadays.
I was referring to your comments about the future and Google glasses and people not interacting at all.
I find that disturbing.
Well perhaps be clearer with your comments.
To some the future is disturbing to others its exhilarating. But people will be interacting perhaps not with you in the old fashioned way you understand. But they will be interaction.
He does this, because he couldn't do it prior to getting in the car and going out to dinner? Or because he simply couldn't wait until getting home after dinner, or while waiting for the waiter to bring the check?
My husband and I both have to check our work emails throughout the evening and weekends. It's part of our job. Neither one of us goes for 2 hours without checking email except when we're sleeping. I'm lucky that i can mute my phone when I go to sleep. He can't because he's pretty much always on call in case of some IT emergency. Many people have jobs like this.
Yeah, I can relate to your situation. Your friend has a bad compulsive impulse habit in personal social settings. I have a friend who is hooked on the same endorphin enducing texting habits as you describe. It's really hard for her to go for more than 10 or 15 minutes without needing to get another hit of texting. She becomes not present to the people she is actually physically with.
It IS an addiction.
I don't think you can convince your friend to change her habit nor her needs for that fix just to convenience your own self, nor should you try to if you sense that what bothers you about her is irritating to her. You've already told her how you feel so don't tell her again. Don't try to control your friend. But there's no need for you to risk losing your friend if she is dear to you and more present and sociable in other ways and other social settings.
You can choose to change and take control of the types of settings in which you socialize with her without mentioning her bad dining/texting habits. That means choosing to exclude dining out with her when it's only the two of you together. It's okay to dine with her together with a larger group because while she's texting to get her fix she's not only excluding you from herself, she's excluding the rest of the group in front of her too ..... you and your other friends still have the rest of the non-texting group to continue socializing with while she's excluding herself from the group due to being occupied with her texting.
If there are other activities that you can enjoy together that don't include sitting down and/or dining together alone then that's what you should be doing. It's hard for a text-addict to be texting when they are being physically active and occupied with other things that demand more of her attention and mental presence.
However - If the only times you and your friend can find reason to get together is to have a meal together then there is something wrong with the relationship.
.
Great Post.
Yes, we can find lots to do other than dining. I am a problem solver so it has taken a while to realize that
the eating out issue isn't fixable. Skipping the eating out as much as possible will help. If we are doing an activity and end up grabbing a bite to eat I may just have to ignore her bad habit.
It's not about "talking". it's about engaging. what's the object of getting together?? "fellowship" and "relationships". really hard to fellowship with someone who is ignoring you.
let me ask you, if your boss took you to dinner would you ignore him/her and play on the phone??
I am the boss! So I do spend a great deal of my evenings and weekends checking emails, our website, social media, blog, etc. It's part of my job. Doesn't matter who I'm with....I still have to take of my work.
Just because you get together with someone doesn't mean they need your undivided attention for hours. I'm ok with a break or 12. I don't get all upset and offended by people checking their phones. I've been married to someone who works in IT for over 20 years and has been on call pretty much the whole time. I learned to live with pagers going off at all hours and now it's cell phones. Not that big of a deal in my world. Oh and right now he's playing games on his phone while I'm on my laptop trying to get some web stuff to work....UGH...love when things crash!
But you don't see the difference??? Thanksgiving football games are pretty popular. MOST families do this TOGETHER. there is comradery, back and forth chatter. at most gatherings on usually ends up guys in one room while the women hang else where.
so what you are saying is you go to thanksgiving dinner, sit in front of the TV and ignore everyone??
that's a question, not assumption.
This sounds exactly like how most men spend gobble gobble day....glued to the boob tube watching the Lions play someone.
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